Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

ATA

I would certainly get a Solicitor involved now re access arrangements as I feel he will renege on any verbal agreement that is eventually made. Anything less than a legally binding agreement will backfire on you in time. He is already wanting to know where you live and his requests are unreasonable. He cannot or will not do boundaries. He still cares not a jot for your or your son; he wants to punish you both for having the gall (in his eyes) to leave him. He likely feels he has done nothing wrong and continues to believe this illusion.

This is all about power and control and he will not give up on either easily.

You will have to be firm and consistent in your dealings with him. He is already making you out to be the villain of the piece when you have clearly not been.

Thanks for the support, I will do my very best and report back later.

When you say no and he asks why, say you feel this is the best way to go about things and the way you prefer it. After that, silence. Then it's up to him to either persist in asking (and you give him the same answer in a firm tone) or going on to something else and then returning to the topic. If you're in a public spot, he really can't raise his voice or get angry. This conversation could go on for hours, so if you think you're going round in circles or he's bothering you, look at your watch, warn him that you've got other things to attend to, say it's been an hour or whatever, and you're going. Then get your things together and leave.

The worst thing that could happen in this situation is ... ?

Try to shake off the idea that you control his reactions, but try to see also that he is restricted in his choice of responses by the environment where you are sitting, and also by the circumstances. He knows well that if he starts throwing his weight around, threatening, etc., he will possibly stand to lose contact with DS.

The idea that things will be done the way you prefer, or even that you have a preference that he has to take into account, is going to be hard for him to grasp. But he has no other choice. It is really hard to put your foot down, though, however gently, and no matter how much you are in the right.

Having a solicitor do your spadework on contact and visitation issues eliminates some of the hassle of dealing with the ex. They're very useful because they represent authority, and you do not. Trying to hammer out an agreement between yourselves will probably result in a lot of stress for you. Even if you succeed in getting a do-it-yourself agreement from him he will not respect what you have agreed, and will keep causing you headaches over any issue he can find, especially with visitation, because he enjoys this sort of treatment of you and it has been his habit up to now to treat you like this. And visitation is something that takes place on a regular basis, so there's always an opportunity for him to get at you unless everything is spelled out in legal terms, written down signed, and filed with the court.

Emotional abusers have to have someone to abuse. If it wasn't you it would be someone else, but for the moment it's you. Best to find a spokesperson and avoid presenting him with too many opportunities to do what he does best.

When you say no and he asks why, say you feel this is the best way to go about things and the way you prefer it. After that, silence. Then it's up to him to either persist in asking (and you give him the same answer in a firm tone) or going on to something else and then returning to the topic. If you're in a public spot, he really can't raise his voice or get angry. This conversation could go on for hours, so if you think you're going round in circles or he's bothering you, look at your watch, warn him that you've got other things to attend to, say it's been an hour or whatever, and you're going. Then get your things together and leave.

The worst thing that could happen in this situation is ... ?

Try to shake off the idea that you control his reactions, but try to see also that he is restricted in his choice of responses by the environment where you are sitting, and also by the circumstances. He knows well that if he starts throwing his weight around, threatening, etc., he will possibly stand to lose contact with DS.

The idea that things will be done the way you prefer, or even that you have a preference that he has to take into account, is going to be hard for him to grasp. But he has no other choice. It is really hard to put your foot down, though, however gently, and no matter how much you are in the right.

Having a solicitor do your spadework on contact and visitation issues eliminates some of the hassle of dealing with the ex. They're very useful because they represent authority, and you do not. Trying to hammer out an agreement between yourselves will probably result in a lot of stress for you. Even if you succeed in getting a do-it-yourself agreement from him he will not respect what you have agreed, and will keep causing you headaches over any issue he can find, especially with visitation, because he enjoys this sort of treatment of you and it has been his habit up to now to treat you like this. And visitation is something that takes place on a regular basis, so there's always an opportunity for him to get at you unless everything is spelled out in legal terms, written down signed, and filed with the court.

Emotional abusers have to have someone to abuse. If it wasn't you it would be someone else, but for the moment it's you. Best to find a spokesperson and avoid presenting him with too many opportunities to do what he does best.

Sorry, it was long enough without posting it twice

Don't apologise mathanxiety, I read both posts so the advice sunk in!

I am back from our 'meeting' which was at old house (sorry). It went well. He did try to have everything his way but I made it clear calmly that I would be setting terms and that my offer of two nights a week was very reasonable and that asking to pop round for cups of tea was neither necessary nor helpful for DS (it's downright weird IMO but didn't state this to him). Ex is wanting this for his own reasons and I want us to distance ourselves. I have told him the only times he will be knocking at my house is when he is picking DS up for him to stay the night at his Daddy's.

I did feel sorry for him, he was quite upset. But then I remembered the times he has been upset before whilst 'apologising' for things he has done or listing all the reasons the bad stuff in our relationship was my fault and I realised he is a master manipulator and can turn it on to make me feel bad. Fortunately I am now wiser and more cynical.

woohooo Well Done, see how strong you are already with ess than a week away from him

Do you know what needcoffee, I caught myself wandering about smiling the other day, plus I am finding I have much more gusto and energy than I had pre move. It'slike my mind is less muddled and my body is less tense. I have lots to sort out and keep on top of and a to do list aslong as my arm but I haven't felt this chilled out in ages.

Don't get me wrong I have been having down moments too (like crying in the bank yesterday ) but I know I made he right choice and already feel better for it.

Good
It really is the beginning of your new life, imagine what you could do with it! So many possiblities, maybe start CM again or go back to college or anything you want really

No harm in having a cry, ATA. Worse to try bottling it all up.. Well done for being straight up with him. You'll have to keep it up now. But you already have more energy.

There's a high cost to be paid for living with someone who can turn it on as you say. It's easier to breathe when you're not a punchbag, and easier to focus on you and DS when you don't have to be always on alert for the H.

Can anyone give me an insight into how women can keep on going back to these relationships and giving the man "just one more chance" to prove that he has changed and is no longer the insanely jealous, insecure, manipulative, unreasonable, irrational, passive/aggressive man who controlled her every move and relationship with others that he was before?

How can they do this when they have children who don't deserve to be raised in unhealthy relationships?

What would you do if you had to sit back, powerless, and watch this happen to your sister over and over and over again despite her seemingly being able to have no trouble in getting rid of him easily enough but being completely and utterly unable to cut contact with him once he'd gone and stand firm and stay rid of him?

It's hard when there are children involved whom you love and care for deeply and you have no rights over them but know that their mother is not acting in their best intersts because she is no more than a puppet having her strings pulled and her head messed with by a man who knows all the right buttons to press on her to be able to worm his way back in to her affections and life again.

ATA

l have just spent the entire evening reading you threads from start to finish

You have my respect and admiration for the way you have dealt with all this stress and change in your life.

I wish you and your DC much happiness in your new home.

The rest of your life starts here. Good luck

Strawberryberet - I have to admit I was a little irked when I read the tone of your post but carried on reading and can see you are understandably frustrated and concerned for your sister and her dcs. I know mysister will have been silently whopping for joy as she helped me move last week!

I am reading two books at the moment which are really helpful in showing the psychology and dynamics of an abusive/unhealthy relationship. Perhaps you could read them? They are Dragon Slippers - This is hwat an abusive relationship looks like and It's my Life Now - Starting over afteran abusive realtionship or domestic violence If you have to choose one I would choose the second book, I am finding it really helpful and would recommmend it to anyone in a similar situation to mine and also someone supporting a person in or leaving an unhealthy relationship.

Do you and your sister have a dialogue going about her situation? At the end of the day it has to be her decision to end the relationship, otherwise she will just return to him. Perhaps you could use these books as a conversation opener? Does she live near you? She could read them at your house? I realise it must be frustrating, please do not 'give up' on her, this will make her feel even more isolated and dependant on him. By being there for her you will help her become stronger and can be a sourceof support she desperately needs.

Doha - wow that's a lot fo reading! It has taken me a long time to realise I needed to leave, once you are in such a cycle it is so destructive to your self esteem and sense of reality that you feel completely drained of your sense of who ou are and what you want it is hard to know what to do and where to go. Thanks for your wishes of luck in the future.

NeedCoffee - was wondering yesterday what I would like to do with my life and do think I would like to further my qualifications and find a career while I have the opportunity. Like you say I can do almost anything - I feel spoilt for choice!!

Mathanxiety - yes I think now I am out of his fog I can see him evenmore clearlyfor what he is, and know I cna deal with him. If he needs step out of line I will be sorting things via a solicitor,but want to know I have been fair and given him a chance to be amicable.

Cheeky bugger! Asking if he can come round for a cuppa after work. Oh, are you cooking the tea? And so on.

Your ex is so like mine in terms of not freaking out, being very plausible but also wanting it all his own way.

Good that you said he can only come to your house for drop off/pick up, but I would still suggest a neutral place until after Christmas. He'll whinge, but it's worth it.

The agreement I have with my XWP (ex wanker partner, he's not so much a bastard more of a self-absorbed twunt) is that he cannot physically come to my door. I have a front door, three paving slabs as a mini path and a wall. He is not allowed to come closer than the wall which sounds pedantic but is important. I feel safer and I know he can't push the boundary, e.g. I just need to go the loo etc.

Remember, you don't have to justify your decisions to him. It's hard to unlearn this behaviour, but keep practicing.

Now organise a solicitor woman!

I like QoD's idea about a neutral pick up and drop off place. This will help train him. You will feel very invaded if he so much as puts a foot in the door, and will feel you have to defend your space when he's around.

Also, you don't have to appear reasonable if the end result is that you don't get what you want. You have done the right and responsible thing both for yourself and your DS. You are a fair and responsible adult who can see the big picture and do what's best. Trust your judgement of what's best and not your ex's, ATA.

The problem with trying to look reasonable in your ex's eyes is that you are not dealing with someone who can be reasonable himself. He will take everything personally, whether it's fair or not, and you will constantly feel under pressure, guilted out, and focused on what he needs, and his reactions to every situation where the two of you have a difference of opinion.

Hope your DS is settling in and feeling more like he's at home Does the school know about how things are?

Strawberry, your sister sounds like a woman whose self esteem is in the toilet. She needs help getting it back. Some women in this kind of situation can benefit by taking martial arts, or actually any kind of course where their talents can be praised (even watercolour painting, basket-weaving, etc.) anything that helps them focus on themselves and become aware of themselves as respectworthy people with something to contribute. Living with someone abusive has the effect of destroying your self confidence and your sense of self worth. This is why it's easy for her P to snap his fingers and back she goes. Don't despair of her keep at her without judging her.

I am so sad tonight. Think my emotions have finally kicked in, like I have been a bit detached from things and have been bumped back into reality. Can't stop crying.

I know I don't want to go back but I still feel so sad.

Hey hun, you have every right to be emotional.. cry if you want ,get it all out. Being emotionally abused takes away so much of your self esteem that it leaves you doubting your emtions and the 'realness' of them. You have done so well.
Dont forget that quite possibly what you are greiving for is the loss of a dream,a fantasy almost, created to protect yourelf from the reality of xp. Chin up pet the worst is over x

Sorry I can't be on for long ATA, but I was exactly the same, it hits you, it gets better, I promise
find something to keep you occupied for a while, wallpaper stripping, sanding anything down? do practical stuff, what about checking freecycle, stuff4sale for stuff you need?

did you get the oven sorted btw?

Will pop on to the meet up thread to plan dates

Hi needcoffee and shamsham - I know I just have to ride these feelings out. Have been quite tensed up and blocking my emotions and for some reason today was the day. Probably not helped by DS's sickfest alllast night all over our only airbed, quilt, blankets, bedroom carpet, both of our PJs, etc.

Tried looking on freegle and stuff4sale earlier but got all frustrated as have no van or cash. Feel like I have used up this 24hrs get up and go on sickfest.

Hopefully will feel a bit better tomorrow. Although DS will be doing his first overnight at his daddy's tomorrow I willreally miss him.

Council are picking oven up tomorrow NC, would have cost too much to have socket put in, but sofa and arm chair have been a godsend!! Thank you. x

oh no so sorry to hear about the vomitting, nightmare with no washer, we had it on hol in a caravan with dd2 who covered dd1 too.
Hope its all sorted now.
No worries about cooker and glad chairs/sofa have been ok.
Did you put a wanted add up? some people may be able to deliver if you explain your situation.

ATA - I feel like an intruder here but I hope you don't mind that I have read most of your thread (well all your posts anyway). I was in your position many years ago as a young mother with a little boy the same age as yours and I managed to get away too. It was like reading a book, reading your story and I was clicking away hoping and hoping that you would get away. I too was very emotional after I had left and felt very down for several months and like you had no money. I had a good supportive family and friends but was too proud to ask for help.

I later got involved with Womens Aid and together with some friends we opened a Refuge in our home town and I was involved for many years until I went into social work.

I am a grandmother now and semi retired.

Look I really hope you won't take this the wrong way but I feel I would so much like to help you if I can. I'm not rich or anything like that but was lucky enough to have a job I loved for 25 years and have a decent pension and still do some independent work. Would you accept a cash donation? Not huge, but maybe enough for you to get a few essentials or even to treat you and your little boy. You see, when I was in your position, someone did this for me and I never quite forgot it.

I don't need your address as if I were you I wouldn't want to trust a complete stranger - could always send a cheque to your mom/nan/sister or trusted friend. Please think about it - I won't be offended if you feel you can't accept but thought it worth a try.

ATA, my DD vomited regularly over the bed for the first month or so after I left her father - I think it was the stress. Because of work, I could only get out to the laundrette once a week, so our flat smelt pretty bad. My parents came to stay and filled the place with (sickly-smelling) air fresheners. This bit is tough but it does pass. I'm now six months out and feel so much better (and there is considerably less vomiting!)

Great advice here, esp. from mathanxiety, that I'm planning to steal for myself, and I'm going to take a look at the books that you yourself recommended.

Interesting question, strawberry. Before the relationship with my ex, I wouldn't have been able to understand why women go back. But you remember the good times, you feel sorry for him, you want your children to have their father, and you believe him when he says he acted in the way he did because of your actions - this gives an illusion of having control over the situation. "If I just get it right this time, he won't be angry and things will be good again". He has broken down all your certainties, and replaced them with his own, so you find yourself buying into his version of events - and his promises about the future.

I'm not really tempted to go back - made easier by the fact that ex isn't asking me to go back! But it's been more than a struggle than I guessed.

Hi ATA,

I have been following your story but not posting much because you have already got some really good support from a few on here.
Firstly, well done again on getting out
Secondly, the feeling you describe in your latest posts are normal. It's not sadness and upset because you want to go back again, i think its because now the dust has settled on the move itself your emotions are letting go and you are "grieving". Grieving for a relationship and life that should have been 'the one' and in the end turned out to be a huge disappointment and source of deep unhapiness.

You are young still. Much much younger than me when I finally left 18mths ago. But I feel like I have a new life. For several months I would put loud music on and dance around the kitchen . It's hard on your own but boy is it better than hard and deeply unhappy with someone.

You are just beginning the rest of your happily ever after !!

I know it's probably hard to see the bright side of things when you're covered in puke, but this really is possibly the worst time. As the days go on, you will gather strength. I think it's best to let the feelings wash all over you and not try to be uber brave. Grief and being exhausted are the mother and father of all double whammys try to do some relaxing, maybe some conscious breathing, slow stretching anything that allows you to just focus on the moment. Make sure you have nutritious food at regular intervals. It's so hard to be all things to you and your DS, but a different kind of hard from having to deal with the H too. And part of this is dealing with the new phase of the relationship with the ex.

xxxxxxxx

Hows things been today AtA?

NannaNina-that is so generous and thoughtful of you