Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

627 replies

AboardtheAxiom · 08/09/2009 10:34

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

OP posts:
AboardtheAxiom · 16/11/2009 17:39

just preparing myself for him ringing - I said to call at 6pm......

OP posts:
Mamazon · 16/11/2009 17:48

good luck ATA.

remember to stick to the practicalities of what you need to discuss. don't be drawn into the emotional stuff. He has been emotionally manipulative and abusive before, don't believe that this will have changed overnight.

Have a great big glass of wine/chocolate bar/slice of cake ready for when you put the phone down, you will need it.

Even if the call is to the point and simple, it is going to be emotionally draining. don't under estimate how much of an impact such seemingly simple things can be. if you want to cry afterwards you should. and don't feel bad about it.

do your best to stay in control of the conversation, talk about what you wish to discuss and if he tries to bring the conversation around to his agenda cut him off and bring it right back.

If there is anyway at all you can record teh conversation do so, if he says anything threatening or agressively you can keep it and use it if needed in future.

mathanxiety · 16/11/2009 17:53

Make sure you don't commit to anything verbally over the phone. Say 'I'll get back to you on that' if he makes any requests'. Repeat if he presses you. Tell him you're sorry he feels that way if he gets emotional in any way. Don't be tempted to fill in gaps in the conversation by talking yourself. No friendly chattiness. Tell him you prefer texting in future and you will be in touch, he is not to contact you. Good luck ATA. xxxx

AboardtheAxiom · 16/11/2009 17:59

"I'll get back to you on that" is good will no doubt use that.

Have asked DS if he wants to say hello to daddy when he rings me up on the phone and he has said yes so I will let him and put the speaker on. Can't record it which is a shame but I don't think he will be aggressive or threatening, I think he will go with emotional tactics.

Will definately have a glass of wine afterwards. I have a half full bottle of red that I brought from the old house so may finish that have a little.

OP posts:
AboardtheAxiom · 16/11/2009 18:12
Sad
OP posts:
Mamazon · 16/11/2009 18:14

thaht good huh?

mathanxiety · 16/11/2009 18:18

You there ATA?

AboardtheAxiom · 16/11/2009 18:26

I'm here. Went to go cry in the bathroom and DS followed me. He is with me all the time and I don't want him to see me howling. I haven't cried properly yet. Think I am taking him to school tomorrow so may blub then.

It was as I expected. A mix of questions questions and guilt trips. DS talked to him very quickly (he is autistic so phone convos not his strongest point).

OP posts:
Mamazon · 16/11/2009 18:31

same as DS.

Its not the end of the world if he see's you cry, butyes it probably is best if he goes to school tomorrow. at t he very least it will give you some time to think things through and sort your head out in peace and quiet.

don't fall for thr guilt trip. you have nothing to feel guilty about. you gave him plenty of opportunities within which to change, it ios his actions that have brought about these events. you have done nothing wrong.

when he asks you questions, only reveal information you are happy with him knowing. if you don't want to tell him don.t

now get Ds to bed and take that bottle of wine with you for a nice hot bath.

AboardtheAxiom · 16/11/2009 18:40

Yes he wanted to know:
who helped me move
did I use a van
who had been chain smoking at the back gate
when did I decide it was over
why didn't i tell him
when will I allow him to see his son
if this is why I wouldn't lend him some of my car money
where I was living
if it was private rented
if I was ever going to tell him where I was living
what should he do regarding bills
had I met someone else
why did I leave while he was at work
why didn't I tell him when he rang me at lunchtime on moving day
what if I decide in 6 months time I want to come back
if he can call me up on the phone

lots of guilt trips in between each Q too. Where's that wine.....

OP posts:
Mamazon · 16/11/2009 18:55

well i hope you only gave him the answers you were happy with.

He does sound like a self absorbed arse.

well done girl, you've done so well. You should be proud of yourself.

mathanxiety · 16/11/2009 19:03

who helped me move:
he is probably angry and maybe surprised that you have friends with resources. Thinks you have another man.

did I use a van:
suggests he thinks a man was involved.

who had been chain smoking at the back gate: again he thinks there's a man involved.

when did I decide it was over:
again the man suspicion. No idea what he could have done to run it into the ground.

why didn't i tell him:
poor me, left in the dark. Also, hinting you have been underhand and cheating on him, have something to be ashamed of.

when will I allow him to see his son:
red flag -- warning use of the term "his son". Expect a fight on access to your DS, ATA. And lots of ongoing issues re contact times, places. You need to get this sorted with a solicitor asap.

if this is why I wouldn't lend him some of my car money:
duh, not too bright is he...

where I was living:
suspects you are with a man. No need to answer this if you don't want to, even though it's a direct question. You could reassure him you're safe and comfortable "and thanks for your concern."

if it was private rented:
thinks a man may be paying the rent or taking care of you somehow.

if I was ever going to tell him where I was living:
again you don't have to. If he finds out and harasses you or if you feel afraid, get an order.

what should he do regarding bills:
hope you told him to pay them? Poor baby...

had I met someone else:
the crux of the matter.

why did I leave while he was at work:
again DUH....

why didn't I tell him when he rang me at lunchtime on moving day:
suggests you are being dishonest. This is mild attack mode.

what if I decide in 6 months time I want to come back:
this is wishful thinking on his part, also shows he thinks you are a flake who doesn't stick to her decisions.

if he can call me up on the phone:
better to say no on this.

I think he is looking at this from a pov of wounded manly pride and he has also decided that his behaviour towards you has no bearing on the matter. He is not prepared to be accountable for his part in the end of your relationship. He is accusing you of being underhanded, presenting himself by contrast as reasonable and direct, and he is also very suspicious that there's another man involved (which also lets him off the hook as far as his behaviour is concerned).

Lots of love ATA to you and your DS. xxxxxx

AboardtheAxiom · 16/11/2009 19:46

Mamazon and Mathanxiety your observations of him are spot on. He did ask how I had been but in a pointed manner to make me feel bad and also probably in the hope I would ask how he had been.

I am proud of myself in terms of how I handled the call. Only told him stuff I was comfortable with, and wasn't 'chatty' to prolong the conversation. I did pull him up on the reference to 'his' son, and his accusatory tone regarding access and he did back down and state that he knew I would be more reasonable than his older two son's mum. I think it will have thrown him thatthe conversation didn't end in me showing that I felt bad or giving in to him emotionally as I usually would.

I am hoping he will realise he needs to be reasonable and respect the boundaries I have put in place.

DS is upstairs but is very resistant to being up there without me (he was like this pre moving too).

I now have wine. Thank god for wine.

OP posts:
NeedCoffee · 16/11/2009 19:54

At least phone call is over now. Did you come to any arrangement?

Sorry not been around, had a lot on but you have my number if you need me.

also, seen a few things pop up on Freecycle and thought of you, you been keeping an eye on it?

xx

queenofdenial2009 · 16/11/2009 20:07

ATA, sorry I've been a bit AWOL, more of the same for me. But I just wanted to say well done, I knew you could do it. We're all rooting for you.

Now go and get that bloody solictor!

mathanxiety · 16/11/2009 20:18

The boundaries thing is very hard for someone like your H. It's why they don't do relationships well in the first place. That's what solicitors are for, though.

So proud of you handling the phone call. Hope your DS will settle in and feel secure soon.

AboardtheAxiom · 16/11/2009 20:22

Hi needcoffee and QoD

Not been on freecycle no will get on there and have a look! DS is now asleep on the sofa.

QueenofDenial hope you are okay?

OP posts:
stressed2007 · 16/11/2009 22:32

Have emailed you sweetie - post your own "wanted" ad on freecycle. x

NeedCoffee · 18/11/2009 11:23

How have things been AtA? x

AboardtheAxiom · 18/11/2009 14:30

Hi needcoffee, things have been okay, I have been busy and stressed out trying to get grant and benefits applications in progress.

Ex keeps trying to call me but I am only answering if it is convenient to me i.e. I am not busy and am emotionally strong enough to deal with him. Have found the phone tips I was given very valuable! Am taking DS to meet him for a coffee this afternoon. I suggested to ex that DS stays at his Saturdays and Wednesdays (I do want them to have regular contact and on set days if ex will play nice). He then said - well will you behave humanly and let me come round after work some days to have a cuppa and see DS? I replied with let me think about it. He still does not know my addresss but does realise if he is reasonable I will be too. Apparently someone (not sure who afriend or relative, suggestedhe wait outside school for me!! Ex told them this would not help and make me even lesslikely to give him my address. Least he realises. He said he is getting internet to email me(!).

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 18/11/2009 15:26

E-mail is far preferable to phone contact, including texting. It's very important not to let him know where you live -- he really really wants to know this information, and keep him from having it at all costs. He may try to get the info from your DS. Perhaps you could tell DS something misleading about where you are? Or walk a long route from school to home so he doesn't suspect he lives close to school?

Could you suggest it would be better for DS's settling in to only see H at neutral places like a cafe, etc., and only once a week to begin? And with you there and an agreement that no serious relationship issues will be discussed at that time? When visitation arrangements are being made, it's usual to have a schedule of every other weekend, so seeing him every weekend and during the week seems a bit much for your ex to ask.

Glad you're not answering the phone when he calls. If you keep on stonewalling him (it will drive you crazy but) he may get the hint and knock it off. Stick to your guns. Remain non-committal whenever you talk, and if possible avoid talking. If his calls become too much, I think there's a magic number beyond which it's considered harassment. If he does somehow find out where you live and starts calling around and trying to contact you personally, you can get an order.

AboardtheAxiom · 18/11/2009 15:43

Mathanxiety - I am worried about the whole boundary issue. I know he will offer to drop us off at home today but I will decline - which I am then expecting a tirdae of guilt trip and questions about. However, I think I will eventually tell him where I live but make it clear I do not want him 'popping round'. How can I do this? What should I say. I think he wants me to still be in his pocket. I know he is really playing the 'I don't even know where my son is living - poor me' card.

I think I am finding it hard to admit how much control he had and still wants, and am struggling to deal with it.

The thing is most couples who had split up, even in a healthy relationship wouldn't be popping round for a drink on their way home from work would they?????? He seems to think that on top of two nights a week overnight that this is a reasonable request and that I amsome inhumane villainous ex by not agreeing to it!!!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 18/11/2009 16:11

Oh yes, he will do his utmost to make you think you are the villain in all of this. But you hold the trump cards, since he doesn't know where you are right now and you have physical custody of your DS. He is of course being unreasonable. How to get him to understand this? Use phrases like, "Of course, you understand I can't have you actually visiting me at home, DH." Or "Of course, you do understand that visiting me at home is out of the question, DH" As far as offering you a lift home, you could just tell him you're running errands and can make your own way, 'but thanks for your concern', blah blah.

No, when people split up, they can agree to remain friends or whatever, but popping around is not on, usually. Being firm with him will be hard because this is not how you have been trained by him, but take a deep breath and understand he is at a disadvantage here. You get to call the shots.

You are going to have to retrain him in the area of dealing with you. A firm and consistent attitude (like training a dog ) will be required. State the way you want things to be, matter-of-factly, using phrases like 'Of course..' or 'As you must understand..' or 'In the circumstances...' If he makes a direct request that you don't want to go along with, you could say regretfully, 'Oh no, I couldn't possibly agree to that right here on the spot' or 'Get back to you in a week on that'. That way he may start to understand that the separation is a fait accompli and he had better get used to it. The best way to train him is to get a solicitor and a binding agreement (preferably before he does and he's still on the back foot, so to speak).

I would actually avoid situations where you or DS are alone with him. Don't get into his car, don't go to the old house. A public place like a cafe is great because if he gets mad you have witnesses. Parks and playgrounds are ok but not as good as a cafe.

AboardtheAxiom · 18/11/2009 16:32

Trouble is I could say no to him and he will want to know why. It's not just the saying no but also the conversation after I say no. I really didn't want to have to do things with solicitors. Is that what it's going to take?

OP posts:
NeedCoffee · 18/11/2009 16:50

you don't need to give him a reason why you say no, thats just it now, you owe him nothing.
Just say 'No' and if he keeps asking why? Say 'because thats the way it is/I feel/its going to be etc-Like you would a child asking why, why?

Swipe left for the next trending thread