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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

627 replies

AboardtheAxiom · 08/09/2009 10:34

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

OP posts:
mehdismummy · 15/11/2009 20:04

how old is ds? shivering it gets easier babe i promise

mehdismummy · 15/11/2009 20:33

ata can i send u anything to help my ds is nearly 4?

mehdismummy · 15/11/2009 20:35

do u know sqounk she is a bloody legend her

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 15/11/2009 20:40

DS is five but he is huge - in size 7-8! Plus I took all his things from the old house so he is ok.

I don't need anything, and will be fine I am sure, I am just a worrier. At the end of the day I am resourceful neither of us will go hungry.

Thanks for chatting with me.

So ex text asking when he could call me and I said Monday 6pm, he then text back that he has taken monday and tuesday off work so could call me during the day? I have a zillion things to do tomorrow which I know I will feel better for doing. Also now worried about taking DS in to school as he would know what times he could 'bump into me' at the gates. Don't want to see him face to face yet and want to be in control of things for a change! Not text him back.

OP posts:
Mamazon · 15/11/2009 20:40

aboard - if there is anything i can do to help then please let me know.

where abouts are you in the country?

Mamazon · 15/11/2009 20:44

take him to school. get there early and go in via the office. inform school about what has happened in case DS says anything.
ask if it will be ok if you could collect Ds a little earlier than usual for the next few days, just until you feel striong enough to chance running in to him.
if he calls you other than at the times you have specified, ignore it. do not allow him to take control.

mehdismummy · 15/11/2009 20:44

i am afraid thats what he will do as they go through the time old classics of being nice, apolegetic and abusive again, be strong and never 4get why u left. r u sure u dont need anything? have u got paypal? please if u need anything please ask, loads of people helped me from here so i know what its like, my email addy is [email protected]

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 15/11/2009 20:50

I am in a place that begins with H an rhyms with dull. Cryptic or what?!

What do you think of his communication / my school issue?

OP posts:
Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 15/11/2009 20:54

mehdis mummy yes I do know squonky she is a busy bee ATM but I think she is coming to our local MN Xmas meet up, she is great.

I could take DS in a bit earlier yes I don't know what to do. Was pondering keeping him off anyway with his bowel issues. Hmm.. don't know what to do for best.

OP posts:
Knickers0nMaHead · 15/11/2009 20:57

I wish there was something I could do for you! I agree with taking ds into school a little earlier and asking if you can collect him earlier. Wrt the text. Just text him and say, 6pm will be better, please respect my wishes. Or something to that affect. Btw, i have just started a thread if you wnt to pop on.

mehdismummy · 15/11/2009 20:58

imho he is still trying to control u, i had no contact with my h for over a month, does he know where u live?
please give my love to sqounky

Mamazon · 15/11/2009 20:59

further afield than any of my contacts sadly but i will certainly let you know if i hear of anything from your kneck of the woods.

AS for his text, you have given him a time to call and he is disregarding your wishes. he wants to regain the control you took from him when you left.
he is taking time off work, not because he feels bad but because he wants to manipulate the world into thinking of him as the good guy. he will portray you as the bad guy who has taken his child from him, make out he is devestated and has no idea why you have left.

you need to ignore it and rise above his attempts to get a reaction from you.

Any more than 4 phone calls in a 24 hour period can be considered harrassment so don't feel as though you need to put up with him bombarding you with texts and calls.

School - as long as you keep them informed they will work with you im sure. Dv has a massive impact on children and their learning so they will do all they can to help keep DS calm and settled.

these next few days will be difficult. he will tell you everything he thinks you want to hear. its ok to feel as though you want to go back. my advice would be to spend a little time listing all the reasons you left. get them down in writting and keep it somewhere safe. when you feel yourself weakening go back and read that list again. it will give you some perspective.

Good luck and stay strong

Shivvering · 15/11/2009 21:04

Ds 9 & 5. I agree inform school and police if need be. I have interdict. Collect your children at different times if need be.

I still need to do the benefits to see if I get help.

Shivvering · 15/11/2009 21:05

sorry just sen this has been said about school.

Shivvering · 15/11/2009 21:07

My interdict said no harrassment and I have had 26 texts and 40 missed calls since wed. I think I will call my lawyer tomorrow.

mehdismummy · 15/11/2009 21:15

mamazon can u email me plse

Mamazon · 15/11/2009 21:23

will do Mehdi.

Shivvering - you certainly should. He wont get t hrown in jail but he will get pulled back in over it and he will be warned. if it continues he can face a prison sentance.

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 15/11/2009 21:37

Have decided to keep DS off school tomorrow, x doesn't know where I am now living but it is practically a stone's throw from school so don't want to risk bumping into him on the school run and him realising where I live before I decide I can trust him to know If that makes sense.

Am off to bed but thanks all of you for keeping me company tonight, have just reread and there are some posts there now that I didn't see earlier (?!?) so if I haven't answered any questions please don't be offended.

OP posts:
Julezboo · 15/11/2009 22:26

Just wanted to say well done!!!

I left my abusive Exp 6 years ago now. I have been with my new man for 5 years, married for 4 months and had another DS

Keep strong x

nattiecake · 15/11/2009 23:39

ive just read through the entire of four of your threads and want to say a huge well done for finally getting out and good luck for the future.
you are a brilliant mum and deserve to finally have some happiness.

mathanxiety · 16/11/2009 00:57

ATA, tell the school they are not to release DS to your ex, only you can pick him up and take him anywhere. Text the ex and tell him not to bother getting in touch with you because you are not prepared to have any communication with him yet. And don't answer any further communication. What had you intended to tell him when you got in touch? If you let him make the calls and start a conversation you will be dealing with his agenda, so don't accept any calls or respond to any texts. When you get in touch, text only. This way, there's a record of his replies Don't have any verbal conversations with him. Just communication that is recorded as it occurs. Be prepared for a charm/ apology/ poor me/ poor DSSs offensive. Don't waver

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/11/2009 09:25

ATA

If your ex keeps being a twat (which given his past form is very likely) then I would start using a solicitor. Infact I would seriously consider now setting up a legally binding agreement with regards to him seeing your son. He will try and control you through any contact at all; it is all done to hurt/punish you for leaving him. He is already disregarding his wishes by offering another time, again his wanting to control the situation.

He'll try all the usual type pleading crap to get you back but please do not waiver now in your resolve; you have come such a long way since the start of your threads.

School should be aware that your DS is only to be released into your care at end of school day. Inform them now of your current circumstances.

NicknameTaken · 16/11/2009 10:30

Congrats, ATA! Agree with telling the school that only you can take your child, and getting a legal agreement about contact.

stressed2007 · 16/11/2009 11:05

ATA how are you today. Please email me to let me know how you are.

QueenOfHearts22 · 16/11/2009 11:47

AboardtheAxiom just read through this and WOW, you have done a fantastic job and coped really, really well given all that's gone on.

Seriously, kudos to you.

Agree that you now need to have discussions with a lawyer, hopefully you will qualify for legal aid. Controlling men will try anything to get the upper hand, don't risk him trying anything with your son.

Hope all is well and you're feeling positive in your new home