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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

627 replies

AboardtheAxiom · 08/09/2009 10:34

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

OP posts:
Knickers0nMaHead · 12/11/2009 22:49

That long? How do they expect people to manage in that time? anyways Im coming off this thread now as shouldnt be whinging! Good luck for tomorrow. You have my email

scrimble · 13/11/2009 19:08

AtA, you've been on my mind today. I've been hoping it has been going ok for you.

I recall the amazing feeling of standing in my new front room, which was completely devoid of anything bar a couple of cardboard boxes, and realising that I was free. I felt scared too. But the feeling of having a huge weight lifted from my shoulders was something I won't forget. It felt like life could start again.

I so hope you feel free too.

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 14/11/2009 08:26

AboardtheAxiom left the building!!

I am now in my new home with DS and my little cat, and feel very relieved (and a little guilty). I was so lucky yesterday to have so many people pitch in and help me physically move stuff, we got it all done, everything I wanted to take I did. Although I did totally bypass the medicine cupboard so don't have any of DS's inhalers, piriton, lactulose, etc. Will either go for them monday with a friend while he at work (although would have to make sure he was actualy at work somehow), or go to GPs and explain and hope they will write me a bumper prescription out.

My house is just right for me and DS, and the nicest of all the ones I looked at. I am very content and calm and it feels lovely.

OP posts:
Knickers0nMaHead · 14/11/2009 09:22

Awww I am really proud of you, well done. I would just go to the gp and explain. I wouldnt go back to the house as he may be expecting you to go back to them. How was your first night?

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 14/11/2009 09:40

Well I was absolutely exhausted and me and DS both went to bed on our double airbed at twenty past nine, I did dream a lot about dodgy characters breaking in so that woke me up a few times. Considering the circumstances we both slept pretty well!

I don't think DS realises we are here permanently yet.

OP posts:
shamsham · 14/11/2009 10:03

Shamsham stands up and applauds!

Well done !!!!

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 14/11/2009 10:22

Thanks shamsham little steps have got me here after all, I had a few halts and hiccups along the way but I think these happened for a reason and that in the end I left at the right time to the right place.

It's so nice to just have DS to put my energy into, I can leave his toys out without worrying, we can do what we want this weekend, spend all day sunday at my mums, go see friends etc and not worry about it!

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 14/11/2009 11:35

Well done!

NeedCoffee · 14/11/2009 15:43

Great news that you slept ok and are feeling good about things
Have you heard from ex?

Welcome to the start of your new life! Now pop over to the meet up thread(and you knickers) and lets sort out a date for a piss up meet up!

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 14/11/2009 20:09

In my note I told him I would have my phone turned off over the weekend so I could concentrate on settling DS but that I would be in touch in a few days time when we had all settled down a little emotionally.

He sent me a text about an hour after he would have got in saying 'Am I to assume we are not having XXX for tea then?'

Didn't know how to take that really.

Also had two missed calls and an answerphone message from his best mates girlfriend asking her to just let me know I was ok.

Had a missed call from him today too around lunchtime.

My phone is not off in case I need it but it is on silent. I will have to speak to him eventually but I'm hoping I will be a little more detached when I do.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 14/11/2009 20:14

Good for you ATA . You did it! Keep that phone on silent. And I don't know about calling the mate's gf either. Seems he misses you at mealtimes?

Hope you'll get some good sleep in as the dust settles.

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 14/11/2009 20:52

I know what you mean math about the mate's girlfriend. She is kind of a friend of mine too, but we haven't been all that close lately. I didn't reply to her right away, but when I got up this morning I sent her a quick text just to let her know I was alive and ok. I know this was just manipulation on his part but didn't want to think someone would be worrying about me.

Told my mum and my nana today and they came over to new house. Mum is trying palm curtains off on me (house has curtains) and both been a bit overwhelming.

Another early night tonight I think.

OP posts:
NeedCoffee · 14/11/2009 21:27

How about him sending that about tea.
How's DS been? How you feeling?
I have a new T Mobile sim card with £5 on it if you want to change your number, or an Orange with £1 on it. Just let me know

mathanxiety · 14/11/2009 23:55

ATA, have a good night. Funny about your mum trying to unload curtains on you. She might have a bit of a hard time dealing with everything -- mine still can't wrap her head around some of the situation I was in, and I found myself being supportive of her some of the time. And going over things more often than I felt I needed to. But it was good to know she was in my corner all the same, and she's almost caught up .

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 15/11/2009 18:54

Anyone around tonight?

Feeling tired and sad today. Been at my mums and took some washing with me as no washer here yet. I need to put money on my gas and electric (have a bit of money in my purse but none in bank). Thought I would get my carer's allowance tomorrow but have toaken my off the ball in the last week with my internet banking and have had a load of charges, so am over my overdraft, which will mean more charges, and won't see what gets paid in tomorrow as will just get swallowed up. Am going to go into my bank branch tomorrow and explain my situation and see if they can help in any way.

Also going into women's aid to get community care grant sent off, ring and claim income support, and see about a crisis loan.

DS is suffering with his soiling/constipation issues has a big huge round tummy and has seepage so am constantly changing him so need to ring docs about that as can't wait for school nurse to refer me.

DS hasn't asked about daddy once. I explained on friday that we would be living in the new house and daddy in the old house and he woul go and see him there sometimes. He asked on saturday morning if we were going back to the old house now and I said no and explained again we were living here from now on and that's been that. He has been tired and emotional though (to be expected he has been great considering what a huge change it is to throw on an autistic child). I am tired and emotional too (but haven't had a proper cry yet at all) TBH.

OP posts:
Knickers0nMaHead · 15/11/2009 19:22

The first couple of weeks are the hardest. I am just in my 3rd week now and just starting to find it a bit easier. Try and get your meters changed to dd. Prepayments are crap. I got my electric changed but bg never came to do the gas. Write down your direct debits etc so you can see exactly what is happening. Wrt the bank, i had some dd that went out friday but had no cash in bank. I havent an overdraft either. I went in and explained everything and they wrote it off as a one off. So it is worth speaking to your bank manager.

mehdismummy · 15/11/2009 19:33

evening i left dh over a year ago and was in a refuge for 6 mths, we now have a lovely flat and i have just painted(yes me!!) ds room!! its bloody hard in the first few weeks as you go thru so many emotions, knickers is right dd is the way 2 go 4 bills, have u apllied 4 a community care grant?

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 15/11/2009 19:42

Estate agent said if I am here long term the owner won't mind me changing gas and electric to Direct debit instead of prepayment, but don't think he meant right away. Will changing them over incurr a cost to the owner of the house?? Don't really understand why they have a say in it (!) unless it is that they will have to fork out in some way for me changing it over? I wouldn't mind it being prepay if I had enough cash to put on it!

I am just going through a pile of dvds I took from the old house and seeing cash price for them on the CEX website then will go into town tomorrow and get som cash for them. Feel sad I will have to go cash them in but would rather have money for food and utilities than dvds!

I'm sure I will manage eventually but right now it is hard not to stress about it.

OP posts:
Mamazon · 15/11/2009 19:51

Owner doesn't have a say as such, but they don't like people switching over to DD unless they are long term as if the tenant ups and leaves with a debt the owner is then liable and the property could end up blacklisted.

But switching doesn't cost them anything and is cheaper for you as the tenant.

It is hard in the first few weeks, but you have taken the biggest most difficult step by leaving. honestly, nothing from here on will be as hard as taking that first step.

Mehdi is right, please do apply for a community care grant. it is paid by the DWP and you will not have to repay it. it is specifically designed for situations like yours and can be spent on the essential items like furniture for the house or replacing clothes you have had to leave behind (dont tell anyone i told you but no one will know if you have been a little creative with what you ask. Eg - your house may already have beds but not a washing machine, the beds would be considered essential but not the machine.....ask for 2 beds and spend it on the machine. just don't tell anyone i told you so )

Well done for getting this far.

mehdismummy · 15/11/2009 19:53

hi mamazon i totally agree re ccc! there are also charities that will help, what age is your dc?

NeedCoffee · 15/11/2009 19:56

AtA-I don't see why the landlord has a say in it either Are the bills in your name? If so, ring them up and tell them you want to change to DD, don't think they should charge for it, if they do, just say you're changing your supplier.

Also go see the woman at womans aid first tomorrow, she can maybe help you sort out an emergency lan/grant to tide you over.

Sorry to hear about DS, I have some lactulose I could bring you tomorrow? But its probably better if you get him some from doc, it may be different strength?

Mamazon · 15/11/2009 19:58

Also if there are any larger items you need do check your local Freecycle first. place a wanted ad.

When i was first housed after he found us for the second time we have nothing. not a single thing. My mum posted an ad asking for "pretty much everything" i was offered. beds, cookers, cutlery, a fridge, toys for the children....alsorts.
Im almost 3 years down the line and have been slowly replacing all my freecycled things with my own items and i love the fact that i can pay it forward by re offering the items that were life savers for me.

also local church groups are fantastic. I don't know if you are in touch with Womens aid but if you are you could ask your outreach worker if there are any organistations locally that are able to offer any help.

You really aren't as alone as im sure you feel.

mehdismummy · 15/11/2009 20:00

there are also places that u can get recycled furniture if u are on benefits your local council will know who does it

Shivvering · 15/11/2009 20:01

Im 4 days into my first week.
still a bit shell shocked to be honest. Hope to have my own house back next week when interdict kicks in. Children are okay. asking to see Daddy. He is devastated does not know wtf has happened but understands and apologising lots.

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 15/11/2009 20:02

The lady at women's aid has my CC grant filled in already and ready to go, but I had to have my tenancy agreement before I can send it off so that will be in the post tomorrow.

I will get approximately £11 for my dvds. Better than nothing I suppose!

Even though I pretty much did everyhting for DS myself anyway the idea of him relying totally on me is so overwhelming and I keep having to give myself little mental pep talks

OP posts: