Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

AboardtheAxiom I have just sat and read this whole thread and feel as though I have gone through every emotion with you. I am left feeling elated, overjoyed for you

I just want to say a huge well done, you have achieved so much and with such determination, I am sure this thread will be an inspiration to many women in the same situation as you.

The support you have received from the lovely Mumsnetters on this thread has been wonderful too. I know your situation is not a very pleasant one but this whole thread has left me with a nice warm feeling. I wish you lots of love and luck in your new home and all the happiness you and your DS deserve xx

PS Please keep posting with updates on your new life

Not quite there yet but not long now...

Just doing my best to contain my excitement and organising as best as a I can for my midday flit (hopefully one day next week!).

Thanks for wishing me well. Oh and don't worry about updates - there will be plenty, I am a long addicted MN'er - I'm going nowhere!!

That is quite mad about the mortgage being in arrears. Thank god you have been making these plans as you could have had to move out regardless if the house does end up being repossessed.

I sympathise with your sadness about the house as it is bricks and mortars. But it is also more than that as I'm sure when you moved in you had all these hopes and dreams about the happiness you would have in your home. And now that's gone.

I feel the same way about our house even though I really want my ex to hurry up and get it on the market. I had such hope and happiness when we bought it and really wanted the happy life we had planned. And it's a beautiful house in a lovely rural location with the fields and Mendip hills out the back. I used to go running twice a week and from the top I could see across to Wales and the whole of the Severn Estuary. Just so lovely but all of it is tainted in my mind with the awful memories of being with my ex.

Feel sad for all the dreams that have gone, but maybe once you have actually moved eh! You've got so much going on.

I am so proud of you - I always knew you would manage it.

Have skim read, and just want you to know that I am here if you need me, I have a car so can help with things, and also looking after Ds if need be, though we'd have to get to know each other first.
Also, get posting on Freecycle now, or keep watching it and see what you can ask for.

I'm getting a new bed in the next few weeks hopefully if you want mine, and my step dad just bought a new sofa today so will ask him what he's doing with that if you like.

just out of interest, why can't you take the beds from your house? and the washer, fridge, freezer etc? If you get a van, take what you need for DS!! I didn't when I left ex, and I wish I had as he accused me of clearing him out anyway.

Will send you my mob number on FB x

Hi QoD how are you getting on?

NeedCoffee thanks regarding the bed and sofa, please do keep me posted on those, I would really appreciate either it's very kind of you to think of me.

I can't really take the beds as DS's is a triple bunk which he and his two big brothers all use (they choose to share a bedroom) and will still all need a bed (!) so can't really take that. My bed is a huge kingsize sleigh bed which would be hard to move and won't fit in my new bedroom anyway!

Am taking my drier (as he has always turned his nose up at it anyway and it's light to move and fairly new), but won't be taking old and heavy washer, fridge, etc - can't do it for arious reasons and yes some of them are me being soft as well as more practical reasons. Sister is lending me a mini fridge for milk til I get a big fridge freezer, and can wash clothes at my mums til I get a washer.

I am just happy to move as quickly and easily as possible and as I know I will get a community care grant I am happy to make do for a little while.

Funny, the last thing I would think of taking with me would be the old bed. I'd be more inclined to make a nice bonfire of it

ATA-Of course i will keep you in mind for them both, no guarantee for either though as may have to put the new bed on hold after today will let you know after weekend, and been trying to get in touch with step dad but no joy as yet.

Also, maybe think about taking towels and bedding, maybe buy some of them space saving vacumm bags from pound shop and getting the stuff you want put in them, ready to grab when you go-if DP says anything, tell him you're getting oranised for christmas/when you go for your op/whatever.

Heard anything from the landlord yet?

ATA Can you contact me ASAP on my mob please? My Dad said you can have the couch and chair and they'd be able to deliver it for you today if you're landlord could maybe let you have the keys just to leave it in there, otherwise he can store it for a few days for you, but wouldn't be able to deliver it for you and they live just outside of the City.

They're doing it all at dinnertime and I need to go out so will be on my mob.

If you'd rather not have it let me know x

Needcoffee ATA is not on here all the time. I suspect if her partner around she wont be able to sort for today but sure she would still want the stuff

Hi

Thanks stressed, you are correct, I jump on here if I get chance but don't sit on here logged in much on a weekend as he is usually about and is getting suspicious. Have text needcoffee, all sorted.

I feel really tired today don't seem to have any energy.

DS is sleeping at my mum's tonight so we can go to someone's house who we go camping with for drinks. Don't want to go and don't want to spend all that couple time together either. Wish I could go to my mum's with DS and that's saying something!!

He was being really grumpy and snipey last night (I think he wanted me to argue with him) but I just bit my tongue and got through the evening.

Was DSS's birthday yesterday - 13 years old! He is growing up very nicely I'm so proud of him.

hope tonight isn't too bad for you, maybe don't drink too much
My dad said he can store it for a few days for you

Watch out for adrenaline-related feelings of crashing. Maybe this is what's happening today? When you get through this, you'll probably feel like a burst balloon for a while.

Hi Needcoffee and mathanxiety (and anyone else dropping in).

I do feel flat today - god knows what I will be like when I actually go. Those first few weeks will be hard.

Last night was not too bad. Sad though as will probably not socialise with them again once I leave STBXP and they are a nice bunch. Had a nice weekend with friends last night, and BIL cooked for us today, will really miss them. Feel very flat and low, think I was running on excitement last week thinking I could move literally straight away and it wasn't to be. Hopefully this week!!..... {fingers crossed impatiently}

Am I mad to think we can get on eventually after I have left?? Now and again I hope he can be civil and reasonable and we can get on well but then I think 'nah don't hope for that'.

Needcoffee, I will text/ring you when I can about sofa thank you.

No probs, also I have ordered a new cooker today to come Wed, mine is pretty knackard to be honest, the oven gets quite smokey after 40 mins being on and the handle is haning off but it would be ok if you had nothing else, so I am offering to you before I put it on freecycle just in case, if you did want it, you could maybe get whoever picks the couch up, to get the oven on route too? Just a thought, I won't be offended if you don't

And working on the bed situation too, and if I do manage to get another one, am looking to get a kingsize, so will have all the bedding if you wanted it, but not sure when that will happen.

Sorry you're feeling down? Are you having second thoughts? Me and Exdp manage to be civil to each with regards to DD, and I still get on with his family, so you could still see his family and hopefully manage to have an amicable relationship for the sake of DS

Still dropping in

As you know, my ex and I did not have an amicable split to say the least, but in a strange way our dealings now are what some would call civilised. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him and he's always subtly pushing the boundaries, but he's no longer rude or abusive to my face. I see him for literally a couple of minutes every fortnight, I still cannot actually bring myself to look at him and say less than twenty words to him. Everything else we do in writing.

All things considered it's nowhere near as bad as it could be. Still doesn't stop him being an abusive, manipulative piece of shit IMHO. He's unbelievably concerned about his nice guy image and being seen as the aggrieved party, so I use it to my advantage. In the first few weeks he tried to rage at me about being unreasonable and over-reacting when I asked him to be punctual when picking up DD, I took a severe zero tolerance line and included the solicitors. That helped.

Please make sure you are also arranging a solicitor before you move. You might not end up needing one, but make it part of your plan.

Slow and steady, you're going to get there my dear .

That gives me hope NC thanks, not having second thoughts - definately not. I am at a stage of total realisation now that we will never be totally happy while we are together. I have zero confidence, I am at a stage where people compliment me and I genuinely (though don't show it outwardly) think they are taking the piss.

I am totally fed up of living like this and can't wait to get out. Also although I wish I was already out, I think the wait in a way is helping as things like telling DS he never gets cleaned properly in a sarcastic voice or that watching paul o grady is his number one priority when he gets in from work , just serves to highlight exactly why I am leaving.

I may take you up on kind offer of the oven too {shamelessly in need and have abandoned my pride}. Does it cook ok? Is it gas or electric hob on the top? Is the smoke a cleaning issue? Ha ha hope you aren't offended by me asking that!?!

I am just so impatient to move. I know I will move in with hardly anything, and need to paint some rooms to get them looking nice, but I still cannot wait.

x posted there QoD nice to know you are still checking in!

At the end of the day with emotional abuse only you know exactly what they have done and how manipulative they are. I am hoping he will tow the line so he can see DS without involving courts, CSA, etc. Yes - if he were to get nasty or manipulative I would involve solicitors.

Aww thats awful about not being able to take a compliment from people, well-The Only Way is UP!

Lol definately a cleaning issueThats what everyone keeps asking!
No seriously, not offended, I've scrubbed it, can't work out where the smoke is coming from, but DP says he thinks it may be fat that has got through to the blades and I aren't able to reach through the tiny vents, it has a top oven in the grill capacity, that doesn't smoke, so if its only pizza or chips or whatever it'll be fine, I just can't fit a chicken in there! Its electric hob and cooker. You can use the main oven, I just wouldn't for more than an hour or so-maybe a small chicken keep taping handles up too.

will be okay till you get yourself sorted, I would have kept it but cooking for lots for christmas dinner so DP said I had to get a new one.

also, be prepared for contacting a solicitor if need be, he may not take you leaving very well- I went for residency and an injuction at the same time because Ex got violent when he came round to pick dd up, it wasn't something I wanted to do, but it stopped him harassing me and made me feel as though I had some power.

Oven sounds great thanks, would much rather have stuff to tide me over - really appreciate it.

Yes I have no idea how he will react when I leave could go either way nasty or nice but I am sure he will want to appear as the injured party, whether that means he will be nasty or nice I don't know, time will tell I guess...

well, I know its a pita, but maybe should have a free one hour appointment with a solicitor just to have the background already down with them just in case he does turn nasty and you need to do an emergency anything, hopefully it will be just a precaution.

here is a very useful thread on MSE website for anyone else in the same situation as me, hope others find it helpful too, I am just reading through it now.

Will pop into community legal advice place next time I am in town centre.

ATA - have you made a list of what you need. You live a long way from me but maybe I could send some stuff if I have anything you need (bedding? crockery?) You have come such a long way and would like to help if I can. You can email me on my usual yahoo address which you have.

Just thought I would pop in and say hello. Have bought a few bits and chatted before. I left last Saturday, and have moved with nothing. Dont be soft like I was! I managed to get a fridge on freecycle but still cooking with a microwave. Tis shite, so if you have a cooker, take it! Ive Been quite lucky really As Ex and I are Still on speaking turns so he is doing my washing. Wishing you the best of luck!

Hi stressed and knickersonmahead

Knickers, didn't know you had moved out! How are you getting on? Was squonk right do you live locally?? Looks like NeedCoffee will be donating me her cooker so that's good and have a few people I can impose upon to use their washer until I get one.

Stressed, I do have a list somewhere but don't feel comfortable posting oh I need this and that on MN, if people have bits they want rid of I will probaby happily accept them but don't want to appear grabby and cheeky.