Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

I can't send them in with the rent money mum doesn't even know I am unhappy, never mind planning on leaving, and sis has her hands full she doesn't drive mone is hidden at my mum's, would be a right faff. Will be safer waiting 24 hours I think, will email estate agent and tell him will be in first thing tuesday morning - he understands my situation so should be ok with that. It is so frustrated as I had loads I wanted to do: pay rent, put in claim for IS, go to WA and get lady to finish my CCgrant form and send it off, go into housing office with housing benefit form. Can't do any of that now until Tuesday.

He is playing darts right now so hopefully can stay online for a bit and chat if anyone is around.

Was so shocked when he put me on the spot last night! Hope he doesn't want to repeat the conversation tomorrow.

I am concerned about the possibility of him ransacking the computer after he so kindly ran your bath for you while you were here.

Regarding tomorrow's conversation, hope all goes well -- you could always use preoccupation with your DS back in school, and helping his settle in to the school year routine as reasons for your regrettable quietness?

Sometimes people like your H are very attuned to the moods of others because they operate from a sense of fear, and reading other people is therefore important.

I would try to get him out of the house if possible, maybe suggest going for a walk if it's a nice day, or out somewhere just to defuse the situation. Avoid drinking, though.

I managed to delete forms, passwords, today's history, etc before I handed it over to him - am getting very speedy at doing so but yes it does scare me that he might find something.

We have a few errands to do tomorrow (returning fancy dress, visiting a laundrette with our impossible mountain of wet muddy camping laundry, food shopping, etc) so yes we will be out for main part of day busy busy. Won't be drinking, school day, driving around day time all no nos for drinking in our house (even for him). Have emailed estate agent and told him will go in first thing Tuesday morning.

I said I had my health / pending op being all up in the air as why I was a little preoccupied and distant. Was meant to have op to repair cystocele and rectocele prolapse this month, but not looking likely now and some confusion over what consultant I need to see next, and when and so on. TBH have put it all on hold mentally as I have enough going on!!

You really do have a lot going on, ATA. How typical that your H has completely blotted all of that out of his mind and sees things from the pov of 'you're cold and distant' -- in other words, all about him.

Yes silly isn't it. The bathroom thing is even more ridiclous given that our bathroom door is opposite our back door, which is now our only door as front door is broken and stuck/locked! So everyone knocks / comes in via back door of house, and he is upset I don't want to be laid in the bath for all and sundry to see! I knew he preferred the door unlocked - it is control isn't it?! He likes to know he can walk in and out of there while I am in the bath. It is mainly the door issue, and also DS is now getting older and is extremely clingy so mummy's bath time seems like a good time of day for me to have 10 mins with him not attached to me.

I wish I could just scoop up DS and his things and walk out - I just keep telling myself 'not long now...'

It really is control, and a way to send a message to you about how little he values your right to privacy, even in the bathroom. It also shows you what he thinks of the idea that there should be healthy boundaries between people, even people who are married and sharing a house; this concept is something an abuser cannot accept.

I think it comes from not really seeing you as a separate being -- you're an extension of him, in his mind. Everything you say or do is carefully analysed for signs that you are becoming uppity and therefore becoming a threat.

He believes you are completely focused on him and do everything you do solely as an expression of your relationship with him. He does not take any of your health problems, for instance, into account when trying to analyse your alleged coldness, because they are not related to him.

that makes a lot of sense and very much sums up his perspective. He does take my actions however minor as a message of how much I value / respect him/ our relationship. So if I am seeing to DS while he is talking to me he will be frustrated I am not giving him 100% of my attention locking the bathroom door for privacy is locking him out, having things on my mind is taken as me being cold to him.

He does take things personally with everyone. If someone doesn't immediately reply to a text he is annoyed with them, traffic lights change to red just for him, if someone puts an album on out back that he doesn't personally like but a few other people do he will sulk. I could go on, but I won't.

Right am gonna get off to bed, will be back on when I can with updates.

It's like dealing with a big overgrown 2 year old (apologies to all the 2 year olds out there). They take everything completely personally. Driving with my exH was a nightmare. Good luck tomorrow.

Well am going to be running around like a headless chicken tomorrow! Need to do so much and don't know where to start - but I do know am going to start by going into the estate agents and paying a months rent!!

Can anyone advise what else I need to do? Will need to change benefits to Income support for single parent, need to go into women's aid and finish CCgrant form and send it off, go through bills and note down account reference numbers and phone numbers,call energy suppliers at new house and arrange getting a payment card sent out, fill in and take in housing benefit form. Know I can't do all of this in one day - don't know what to do in what order.

Does anyone have any advice? Anything you forgot to do? Wished you had done sooner (or later) than you did?

Axiom, I have zero experience of any of this stuff, so I'm afraid I'm not much use in terms of advice.

But I think you're an amazing, strong woman. You have my utmost respect and I hope you get all the happiness you deserve. You're a star. Don't forget that.

Can WA give you a list of what to do - they must have experience of this?

Remember about telling certain people - the school, the doctor etc NOT to divulge your address to anyone as you will have a partner trying to find you - that goes for the council too!

new house -

will you need benefit to pay council tax
need tv licence (can be done on line snd paid for by direct debit)
tell your bank your new address
your sons school
your doctor/your specialist (re operation)
were there some emergency funds you wre applying for?

please emphasise the need for secrecy re new address

Quick post as I'm at work, but forward your post via Royal Mail. You can do this online and takes about a week to start coming through. I used a friend's address as didn't know where I'd be living but I didn't have to worry about him going through my post.

good idea - I would have your post forwarded to your sister/friend though just in case he makes some investigations with the post office as to where post being forwarded to.

Since you know your postman, maybe he could keep your post for you on the sly until the paperwork for the change of address catches up?

Hi everyone just decluttering a bit today in preparation for move , paying some bills and doing my housework .

DS has soo much stuff, I get a headache everytime I think about moving it all!

Had a letter from my gynae today offering me the op!! Can either be put straight on the waiting list, or go have another appointment first to discuss op again and then go on waiting list. Eeek. Had put it to the back of my mind TBH as have that much on - might ask for another appointment just to stall op slightly until the dust has settled from me upping sticks.

Also having to pay the balance for next years holiday too, it's not til May next year and have a cancellation plan on it so will pay it and then assess what we will do about that in the new year, there are a few options but don't want to decide anything yet.

Have redirected my mail from 10th Nov to new house paid for 3 months so everything should have my new address by time it finshes.

update please. The house is all sorted yes? when you moving? where will your partner be at this time? who helping you? have you got the necessities for when you move?

Hi stressed - yes the house is mine, have secured it by paying a month's rent but don't have keys or tenancy agreement yet as there are a couple of little safety repairs need doing before estate agent wants to give me the keys (fair enough - he doens't want me moving in with DS before doing things like putting a seat on the toilet and fixing a couple of kitchen cupboard doors on properly - nothing major just little jobs).

Hopefully will get keys either end of this week or beginning of next week - either way will hopefully be moving end of next week. Will be moving stuff out while DS at school and partner at work, have two lovely friends from DS's school, and sister, so 3 cars and plenty of hands. Will also be getting a van man for an hour to move wardrobes and drier.

I am going to get keys, clean and hoover house and move some bits he won't notice on one day, then next day do the big move. GULP. I am nervous and excited and guilty and scared all at once.

I don't have everything to move but will have the bare necesseties and everything else will fall into place once I have got in there I am hoping.

I am so pleased and PROUD of you. You should be very proud too.

Will you have beds etc when you get there?

I'm just going to thank all of you who have supported me on this thread, some days it has been all that has kept me going. Everyone who has been posting support and sharing their experiences have really inspired me and bolstered my confidence that I am doing the rght thing long term. Thank you.

ATA

Great stuff!!.

May you and DS both be happy in your new home!.

No proper beds stressed, but plan on taking our air beds from camping stuff, which we will be perfectly comfy on til I can get us nice long term beds. DS won't care about being on an air bed as long as I am there!

We have had a letter through the door today - hand delivered, about the mortgage arrears talking about reposession and if the house sells for less than is owed will still owe remaining balance. Do you have to have a lot of arrears to get to this stage???? Didn't think arrears where that big (ie big enough to warrant reposession)! Or is this just heavy handed shock tactics? Maybe arrears aren't huge? I honestly don't know. He was ignoring his phone ringing all last week bet it wasmortgage people. He said it would be bank about his overdraft. I cannot believe how useless he is regarding his financial responsibilities. It is the only household bill he has to pay FGS.

This house with the additional space out back is very unique, he would never get anywhere as nice, with as much space again - it was bought at perfect timing too before housing market rocketed. {sigh}

Well am I right in thinking what happens to that house is not your problem as soon as you move out?

Have you started posting on freecycle about things you might want?

Are there any emergency grants you are entitled to to help you kit place out?

There is the community care grant stressed, can take a while to come through but should get it. Could also apply for a crisis or budgetting loan too. Can't apply for them though until I have tenancy agreement on new house signed, so just a case of sitting tight for a few days now. Will post wanted ads on freecycle soon as I get the keys.

Yes this house won't be my concern when I move, I'm not on the mortgage thankfully!!!! Will still feel bad though. It's kin of like the end of an era leaving here, plus it is kind of the hub for all of our family and friends, we get together a lot here so the thought of him losing the house is kinda sad for everyone if that makes sense?? The games room out back backs onto garden and we have huge frames of photos of our BBQs and get togethers, lots of memories.

Am taking photo albums, and most recent photos are all on my laptop anyway. I know deep down it's just bricks and mortar and am not sad for me to leave the house.

Am ramblng now back soon..

You are so lucky not to be on the mortgage of the house, ATA. Your H had a lovely house, a lovely wife and child, and let it all slip through his fingers. Glad you're taking your good memories along with you. It's clear your H doesn't care about anything that's really important. I'm also glad you'll have a man with a van to help with the move, plus your sister and friends.

I know thank heavens for small mercies eh mathanxiety!

Doing a bit more tidying, decluttering, etc today. Can't wait to move! {impatient}

DS still asking everyday on way home from school if daddy will be at home or if he is at work - it is a daily reminder of why I am getting out of here.