Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

I am speechless.

I think this will really help AboardtheAxiom and other women on here that need to find huge amounts of inner stength.

You are a very strong women.
God bless you x

Hi everyone

I am going to view the inside of the private rented house tomorrow afternoon that I hopefully won't have to pay a deposit on. Am taking a friend with me don't worry. As long as it is liveable and he is satisfied I am not some druggy/skanky ho I will be taking it! (Am trying not to get too excited about it but it's proving tricky)

yournotalone - your story is very sad and I related to several parts of it. Very you are still there though. It's never to late to start again you know. x

stressed - it's not that I had chosen the other area, it was a case of where council would pay my bond (was closer to family, further to school) but this house is near school. I had told landlord council wouldn't pay my bond due to location and he has said he may accept me as a suitable tenant without a bond.

well good luck with it all - please post once you have seen it and get a chance to. x

I'm crossing my fingers again. Awed by your persistence, ATA, and it's bound to pay off eventually.

Hi everyone

The house was actually much bigger than I expected, didn't need much doing to it, landlord was nice, all good. He needs to speak to the other guy he owns it with, and if they agree I need to provide character reference and a v.small deposit that I offered up to show willing.

Think this might be the house girls/ladies/vipers!

On a more worrying note think he is suspicious. Took today off work and is also takin tomorrow off. [sigh] Hope not as would much rather 'pretend' and move out unnanounced than have an awful atmosphere and him making me feel guilty, banging around the house and so on.

am very glad to hear about the house..sounds great ...what do you need to do next to secure it? Is their form filling at the local authority?

Why is he suspicious? Do you think he has found anything?

The landlord needs to discuss it with the other person he owns house with, but said it should be fine. Just a case of getting it sorted I think, sounded really positive.

Regarding him - I don't know. It's not something I can put my finger on, he was cross I didnt immediately text him back earlier this afternoon. Has also been all downtrodden looking and sad. I would normally ask him what's wrong but haven't!!!! Daren't in case he has somehow found out something / found something / senses me withdrawing emotionally.

Hi Aboard ! Tis great to hear you might be getting sorted with a house !!! I envy you so much in that you've made such a positive choice for your self and the LO. My DP has been very jovial and accomodating this week.. he has been sleeping well because.... yep hes back smoking the whacky backy again-Just the one to help him sleep- so back on the roundabout we go.
I have been making progress myself in that I am sortin out :

A) the state of my house; so I can have paperwork etc, favourite toys close to hand if nec.

B) The state of me:got eye brows tinted waxed today, hair cut tomorrow, back on low carb eating as well.

C) Told him straight that I have plans on two nights next week so he must b a;home b sober( dont hold out much hope for b , He has already racked up 25-30 pints since Monday)

D) Finances should be totally caught up with arrears within 2 weeks.

Hopefully I should then be able to think more clearly

Also have got my sister to check for places for dcs in school near to her in uk.

I really do care for my DP but he's only the man I love when he has a beer or a spliff, and only for a few mins,at that, before the beer/smoke kicks in. OR Hes sober and twitchy, shouty, abusive... so cant win have to do this for the kids..

Any way let us know how ye get on (hugs)

ATA, when you move out, please make sure there's someone else there helping you, in case he catches you and goes nuts. Especially if he's drinking, etc. You might like to contact WA and see if they think it would be advisable to alert the police about what you're doing. Hoping the house will work out. xxxx

Yay for the house!

ATA, excellent news about the house, really hoping it comes through. And if for any reason it doesn't, now you know that your approach and persistence will pay off in the long run.

When I got closer to leaving, I was very worried that he would realise something was up. I went back to being really docile and playing his games. There was an incident that sticks in my mind where he just had a full-on go at me because I wasn't sufficiently grateful that he had bought some toothpaste (that we didn't need as we had about four tubes already). I just hung my head and kept saying how grateful I was; inside I really didn't care anymore, so it didn't seem worth arguing back anymore.

Hard to tell if he ever knew before I left. He went to work one day and dropped DD off at nursery and came back to find a note on the table saying I'd left him and taken our daughter. To this day, he's never asked why.

I think he is just sensing I have been distant with him, he is coming to me more for kisses and suggested we go out to lunch today while DS was at school (he doesn't treat me to lunch in case any of you were thinking how generous, usually I pay or I say we go halves if I am skint). I think he engineered the day so we were together all day (meaning I couldn't answer my phone in case it was the landlord), was even reluctant for me to browse in a shop while he went into the bank!! It is driving me crackers. I feel claustrophobic, resentful, impatient and angry.

jmacon - those all sound like positive steps, keep going you will get there.

QoD - It is very hard yes to continue being passive, even little things such as facial expression could give me away as resisting his POV for example, and I am trying to avoid a row.

mathanxiety - when I hear back from landlord will call WA as they have a ready filled in Community care grant form ready for me to send off and will ask them more Q's in terms of moving.

nicknametaken - hi!!

Have had offers of help from couple of friends and sis to do runs back and forth when I move, and one friend has offered to help me get house spick and span, feel so lucky that people are supporting me in RL and on here, it helps so much.

So glad there is help for you in RL for the move, and hope it's soon . You seem to be so removed from him already, good for you.

I hope it's soon too! Hopefully will hear from landlord this coming week. DS is off for half term this week so gonna do some nice things with him to take my mind off waiting for news.

We are off camping next weekend for halloween am just gonna trudge through it best I can - DS really looking forward to it. Things are moving too slowly, was hoping to be out by now will be 'oh she left me right before xmas' and such like.

Also I keep having moments when I think, oh I should tell him my plans it'll be ok he will be reasonable [eek!] - then I remind myself in black and white of his behaviour and manipulation tactics and decide against it [phew!]

Count slowly to 100 whenever you think you should tell him your plans or things could turn very halloweenish very fast for you. He'll moan and complain and badmouth you no matter what you do or when you do it -- please yourself as to your timing and let him whine about it as he sees fit.

Yes counting is a good idea, I have just been kind of letting the moment pass.

He probably complains about me even now so not too fussed (I am actually secretly hoping most people upon hearing I have left will think, about time I don't know how she stayed so long). On saturday he told me to fuck off. Twice. In front of DS(5), neice(13), nephew(11) and BIL. (Because he was a little drunk and I wasn't verbally worshipping him but joking that I disagreed with his POV). So yes, I am hoping most people who know us both well will have a little sympathy for me. I know I am now sickly sweet angel but even so...

Oh I hope I hear from landlord today I really really do! Kept waking up last night thinking about moving. [tired]

Me and DS are off to the supermarket then when I get back am making green tomato chutney. Am toying with the idea of going to rail museum in York tomorrow with DS as he is train mad and not been at all this year.

I had a farewell note all written out and then in the heat of the moment I forgot to leave it and I found it in my pocket later.

The first couple of phone calls I got from him after he realized I had left nearly broke my heart. Brace yourself, that bit is tough!

I'm sure he probably will make himself out as a victim because you left 3 months before Christmas. Any little way to twist the knife, they'll find it.

It's worth it all though. Hope you hear from the landlord today!

Yes, watch out for the pathos. Keep your list of his behaviour and personality defects from this thread handy near the phone so you can let your eyes wander over it while you listen to him if he gets in touch. Your upcoming camping trip sounds so appropriately halloween-y. I hope you'll be safe.

Hi

Not heard from landlord today {impatient}...

How did your exes react when you left? I am thinking of putting in my note (yes think am going to leave a note even though I hate the idea of it because it seems so harsh), 'will call you in a couple of days' or something, so he is not ringing me when it suits him to rant / cry / manipulate.

Halloween camp is a big group of us that get together in a field with a marquee and party for the weekend. Will feel uncomfortable pretendng with an audience, he will be drunk, it will be cold . Rest of them are a nice bunch though so am sure will manage! I am going as misty comic IF my comic comes in time to then go and buy an outfit matching something she wears in that issue.

I have had an email from landlord saying he will speak to partner/joint owner today or tomorrow as he is away - get everything crossed for me! Ooh I so want it, been picturing each room with us in it.

Off to pay some bills, am trying to keep everything up to date so I have one less thing to be blamed for. Have not paid my loan this month though, am going to write to them and explain situation and ask them if I can do token payents for a little while while I get sorted and benefits are all in order etc. Have done this in the past no problems so hopefully should be ok to.

ATA, get on the phone asap about your loan so nothing negative shows up in your finances if the landlord checks. Pay what you owe for the month if you can at all.

If you write a note, assure H that all household bills that you are responsible for are up to date, that you're leaving, will not be taking calls for a while. He probably won't respect this and will try calling anyway. I would avoid calling him, just return any calls by text when you're good and ready. xxx

can't post properly he is in a mood and keeps asking to use laptop. Has asked to 'borrow' £150 of my car money I said no and he wants to know why.

Will try to get on and post properly tomorrow.. ..

Hope things are ok. Any news on the house? x

Hi everyone landlord had said should hear today or yesterday about the house so better be today!!

So while he was off work last week glued to my side he blew £180 on a log burning stove for out back (note - this is not for the house - it is for his gamesroom/workshop). He now has realised he needs to tax his car and pay the mortgage and hasn't enough money, also needs costume and beer and petrol for weekend. His solution to this is to borrow £150 out of the money I have from the sale of my car!!! He put me on the spot and asked if I had banked it yet and I said no without thinking. I have said no he can't borrow it but was met with sulks, guilt trips, snidey comments and 'well what are your reasons for not wanting to lend me it?' all evening. He also waited until I was sat down with my tea, picked up laptop at other end of room and asked if he could 'just check his emails'.

This money will hopefully buy me things like oven, bed for DS, and washing machine when I move, will hopefully be able to pick them up second hand. I know if I lend it to him I won't get it back, especially when I move out and he is paying or not all the bills.

Grr. I am willing my phone to ring with every atom in my body.

If you can don't give it to him. Your thinking is correct. He should n't be buying stuff he can't afford and then expect you to pay for it.

I know we are thinking ahead but if you do get house - what do you need for it? Does it have say washing machine in it? What do you need to get for it? Just a thought that some of us might have stuff you can have even if it is just to be getting on with