Those of you who have LEFT an EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE relationship please come and tell me how you did it

[AboardtheAxiom]

as I am struggling to get my head around leaving.

I know at the end of the day I need to do this for myself and DS but am finding very hard as - well , here is my thread

If anyone on here has left please tell me about your journey and how you managed it.

Hi Abroad - are you OK?

Hi, are you here? how is things going?

Hi everyone

Haven't had chance to open this thread as he keeps hovering whenever I am on laptop. I am totally fed up. I am anxious, have no appetite for anything other than chocolate and wine, and just wish I could move out tomorrow into a little house for just me and DS.

House viewings were ok but I know nothing will come of them (will get to that in a minute). Two were cancelled, one was a hole, one was nice, one was lovely. The last two were with same estate agent who basically just wanted the 'application fee' off me before would even write down the details of it on letterheaded paper for me to take into the housing office. That would mean stumping up application fee and running the risk council say no to paying bond, or landlord deciding on a different applicant and me losing money I don't have. £125 in this case. We have been eating out of the freezer and cupboards last week or so - can't find that amount of money just to practicaly gamble it away.

Went into housing office and spoke with a really nice lad who was very helpful. Apparantly lots of estate agents do this now and make a lot of money from it, so she looked at other ways round things. Gave me some ideas of areas to bid on that are low demand on bus route to school. Area not great but she lives on there and it is not as bad as it once was, is gradually mproving IYKWIM. I am also being reinterviewd by either homeless team or DV panel to try and get my a higher band of need so I can place more bids each fortnight for council houses, and be higher up the list of priorities.

I feel like screaming, crying, tearing my hair out (I do think it is bloody falling out every time I brush it loads of hairs in the sink). Plus I want to just run to this guy I have feelings for and it is taking every ounce of my energy to keep up appearances. It is he who came through for me the other day. His loyalties should fall in the opposing camp you see and I feel shitty for putting him in the middle. He doesn't know all the details though.

I am

Just going to see to DS he in the bath.

That should say 'spoke with a really nice lady'.

Meant to say. These council houses that are on the bus route to school - lady also told me I would be eligible for a free bus pass for ds which would be great.

Hope someone is around tonight because I could really do with some company - I just want to have a huge cry and I can't because he is only out back playing darts and will no doubt be keeping tabs popping in and out.

Guess no one around tonight. God I have never felt so alone and shitty and trapped before in my life. I know people have worse stuff going on in there lives, and I am usually perspective girl but I can't do that today. I hate my life. I hate that I feel so alone. I hate this fucking house and having to get in bed with him every night.

Rant over

I am here.. you are doing so well. Don't be down - it is coming together just more slowly then you would like. xx

Hiya I am on line tonight. Have posted re leaving my partner a bit further down . Hope your feeling okay . I have read your posts over the last while and I think you are a bit further on in leaving than me. I think I am afraid of leaving because it will be MY choice and if it all goes pear shaped for the dcs then it will be MY fault. Then again EVERYTHING is my fault apparently so what difference hey?

Hi stressed just went off to make a cuppa and calm down abit. I am so wound up and anxious. Feel like a ticking time bomb. Have been on ADs before for it so maybe time to go back to GP but was really hoping I could manage without them. Came off them last year as realised it was my life making me depressed and anxious and ADs wouldn't change that so came off them and told him was leaving. Ended up staying and he said I had been all over the place due to coming off them and put it down to that.

Sigh.

Just took me 6 attempts to load that post. Cross posted with you there jmacon, yes everything is my fault too and I do everything wrong. Bet you do all the childcare stuff anyway and the kids are all for you most of the time. You are doing it all now anyway, that's how I am looking it at. When I leave I will actually be better off financially (and I don't just mean incomings - will only be on benefits but will manage as am good at budgetting), less stress, no atmosphere in house, DS more chilled, etc.

Will look for your thread.

You are getting there, your road just seems to be particularly hard. It seems so unfair for you.

Can I ask, has your GP prescribed you any anti-depressants? It really might help just get you through this awful time. I have so much sympathy with the sex thing, as I was coerced into have sex with my ex for years and it is soul destroying. It made my skin crawl when he touched him and I had to try so hard not to recoil.

Tempting as it is, you also know that going with your crush would not be the right thing to do. It's a very seductive idea, but it could make things more complex. Use your energy to get higher up the banding for a council house. I know you're already digging deep, but you are an incredibly strong and compassionate person.

It does seem very obstacle littered doens't it QoD?! I try to get housed on route, find a dead end, go another way no way through and so on and on.

Not seen GP for ages bout ADs, think I will go in but don't know what day I will be able to get in.

Wouldn't push for anything to happen with this guy anyway whilst I am here. I have always said I would never start a relationship without ending one. (Although emotionally - whoops!) Plus I would be devastated to lose him. He is the only man in my whole life who I know I can trust, we get on like a house on fire and I don't want to do anything to ruin that. Maybe when I am singled and settled I might ris it but not now.

I do not feel strong today at all. Feel wobbly and weak and tear soaked.

Bumped my thread for you. I think you are doing really well, you are nearly there, I feel really crap because I'm just not quite there yet

You will get there jmacon, all the advice on here kind of seeps into your self conscious, you will see from my links back to old threads, which also have links to older threads, it has taken me a long time and a lotof support to get to this point, I kind of had a lightbulb moment and you will have one too, it won't be anything major (I hope), just a quiet and strong realisation that you need to go. This is far from my first thread on how unhappy my relationship is, but I can say with absolute confidence it will be my last one.
WHat would I do without MN?????

I think that I now know that things are going to have to happen; that I have to leave;that nothing is going to change. Its weird that when people react in a shocked way to my situation I always think God things arent that bad are they? I dont feel that I am in any immediate danger but I know that the longer I leave it the harder its gonna be.
Keep trying with the council; I think if youre less fussy about area you should be housed much quicker. Is it done with points or choice based where you are ?

It's a bit of both jmacon, you have a certain amount of points, which puts you in a certain priority band, A being the highest priority to be housed. Applicants can all then 'bid' on properties available, and the bidder with the highest points/band on that house gets it.

I don't feel I am in any immediate physical danger either, but health wise, emotions, self esteem, confidence? Everyday I live here these are endangered. I have been at a friend's house all day, and walking back into the house I doubled over with stomach cramps! Walking up the block to the house DS is asking in a worried tone if daddy is at home. You don't have to be facing a beating to need to leave - although am I right in remembering yours has been physically abusive in the past??

Please call upon any help and advice you can, just talking will brng you a little closer to leaving.

I have an email from an accredited landlord asking for my number even though I have told him council won't pay my deposit (as it is too close to current house) and I don't have the money myself. Shall I email him it??

I would e-mail it, because you might be able to negotiate on the deposit if the landlord gets the impression you are a potentially good tenant, not a drifter, not a party animal who will destroy the house. It's just you and the DS, not you and a bunch of teens, and if you come off as responsible, articulate, polite, s/he might be willing to meet you halfway moneywise. I don't know if I would be entirely open about your whole story and why exactly you are looking for accommodation when talking to the private landlord. They might be spooked and imagine a troublemaking ex breaking the windows, police being called, holes in walls from fights, etc., and a lot of people think it takes two to fight or that there are always two sides to abuse and therefore you might not be a good potential tenant. But keep all your options housing options open. However, watch out for landlords who prey on female tenants.

When you talk to the council, please don't downplay the fear aspect of your circumstances. Play all your cards as forcefully as you can. And tell them it's a terrible situation for your DS too.

Hi math

I emailed all of the accredited landlords at one point out of desperation to see if anyone had anything available, this is the email I sent:

Hi,

I am contacting you as an accredited Landlord to enquire as to whether you have any suitable properties for myself and my son. To explain I am currently looking for a 2 bed house to rent in town, close to * Primary School. (I need to stay close to my son's current school as he has special needs which make change very hard for him and I do not drive). I am currently being supported by Women's Aid who are helping me apply for the council's bond scheme as I am in urgent need. I will be in receipt of housing benefit as a tenant as I am currently out of work (although I do usually work and intend to return to working in the New Year).

Please let me know either way if you feel you have any accomodation suitable.

Kind Regards,
AboardtheAxiom

Will email him phone number in morning and ask him to only call during school hours. Hopefully he can help. Will be cautious though dont worry, and if I go to view property will take someone along. Property he has available is right on the doorstep of school so council won't pay the deposit as too nearby.

Council guy not back in office til Wednesday so won't be talking to them until at least then.

Oh fingers crossed it will work out for you. Keep up the deep, calming breathing in the meantime. It does seem that everyone else except you is in extra slow motion when you really get the fire under you in this situation.

just lost my post

thanks math

I am trying to be all calm and zen like but am actually anxious and impatient!

Everytime I log into my thread I feel so overwhelmed (in a good way). If I didn't have this outlet and source of support I would probably still be pretending my life is fine and slowly dying inside.

Hope I can get something sorted soon {impatient}.

Good morning everyone, this is my first time posting but I have read every single posting and thread that all of you have put on here.

I am now going to put my own story on here for you all to read and maybe hopefully it will give you all the strenght to move on and forward.

Iam alot older than all of you and my children have grown up and moved on with there own lives and it is the children and all of your well beings that i have decidid after 30 years married to a NPD, non of you should be suffering any abuse what so ever, if i can give you all just a tiny peice of my strenght by just you reading about my life, and when i read your links and see how much you all have grown and moved forward it would make my day.

kind wishes to you all

Hi just wanted to agree with mathanxiety:

"When you talk to the council, please don't downplay the fear aspect of your circumstances. Play all your cards as forcefully as you can. And tell them it's a terrible situation for your DS too."

You really need to be playing this up not down. It is the system and all will be doing this so don't put yourself at disadvantage because you are being so strong and "making do". If your son dreads going home you need to be using this.

I don't know if others agree with this but if you send any more letters to accredited landlors I may drop the reference to Womens aid. They are fab but I think picky landlords may twin them with all the stereotypical aggro outlined above.

Is there any progress with any of the house hunting - have you found one you like yet?

I cannot tell you how to leave, but ive written a thread on here that might help you really make the move, ive tryed to send you my thread but for the life of me i cannot see how, look up i still have my inner core.

"Will be cautious though dont worry, and if I go to view property will take someone along." But keep all your options housing options "open. However, watch out for landlords who prey on female tenants"

This is important - stay sharp at all times.

"Property he has available is right on the doorstep of school so council won't pay the deposit as too nearby."

Have n't you decided that you now want to move closer to your family and away from current areas or are you undecided about this?

"I would e-mail it, because you might be able to negotiate on the deposit if the landlord gets the impression you are a potentially good tenant, not a drifter, not a party animal who will destroy the house. "

I agree - what sort of money would be needed? Could you find any of it to start and then give him a bit more each month etc to bump it up?

here it is:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=relationships&threadid=846298-I-still-have-my-inner-core#17230846