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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Finding escort agencies on DH's PC

32 replies

NoseyHelen · 02/09/2009 15:56

I logged in to our PC as my DH rather than myself (by mistake). I typed in the website address that I wanted but after a few letters it offered me an escort agency. Looking at the history, DH looked at 21 agency sites last week, 3 the week before that and 2 the week before that. I then looked at his e-mail - he had e-mailed himself 6 agency addresses.

What on earth do I do? Our sex-life has been pretty non-existent for a long time. As I type this I remember that 5 yrs ago, just before we were married, there was an agency address in his history but he said this was one of those pop up things - before we had adware to stop them popping up all the time (as they did in those days).

He's out with the children now - I have no idea what to do about this.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoseyHelen · 02/09/2009 16:40

Anyone?

OP posts:

Besom · 02/09/2009 16:48

If it was me I would need speak to him about it but after the children have gone to bed.

How are you feeling about it?

wheniwishuponastar · 02/09/2009 16:53

talk to him about it. one of the most important things is that he is definitely using condoms and gets tested for stds.

Original poster

NoseyHelen · 02/09/2009 18:00

I don't really know what to say to him and I am scared that if I do say something I won't like what he says or that we'll break up. I've just looked at my gorgeous children and I can't bare the thought of breaking up their home.

We're moving on Monday - I'm worried this conversation would mean that we don't all move to the same house.

If he has been using an 'escort' then I don't want to be with him. I think it's disgusting. I could forgive an affair much easier than exploiting a woman - and we could never have sex again because I can't compete with someone who will 'ooh' and 'aah' as required.

OP posts:

wheniwishuponastar · 02/09/2009 18:37

can you get yourself a counsellor to work out what you want to do?

Scorps · 02/09/2009 18:42

Can you bear the thought that their father (potentially) is a liar? If he is doing this, then he isn't thinking of them much then is he?

You need to confront him. Could you check bank statements, see if any payments have been made? Maybe he was just looking.

AnAuntieNotAMum · 02/09/2009 18:47

What do you think your options are?

Besom · 02/09/2009 18:58

Poor you. This must be a terrible shock. It's no wonder you don't know what to say to him. Don't think you can ignore it though.

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 02/09/2009 19:01

I wouldn't ignore it but dont assume he has used escorts. People often have fantasies that never become a reality, infact they may prefer them to stay as a fantasy. He may have just looked at at the pages.

sherby · 02/09/2009 19:03

If I were you I would firstly print out anything you can and put it away somewhere so he can't delete etc.

Then I would log on online to phone bills/credit cards and print them out and any hard copies you have. Check for phone numbers to escort agencies, withdrawals of unusual amounts of money? Look at the dates can you remember what he was doing on those days.

Then I would wait until the children are in bed and calmly say I would like to speak with you please. I was on the pc earlier and saw xxxx, please can you explain to me how it got there and why you were looking at it?

I do not think you cannot just not bring it up because you are worried about breaking up/not moving etc. You have already said your position is you could not live with a man who was sleeping with escorts so you need to know what is going on, for your relationship and your own sexual health.

I have no doubt he will probably just say 'oh I was browsing' it seems to be the way these things go, so I think you should definitely do some digging before you let him know you know.

ladylush · 02/09/2009 22:02

check bank statements

MrsLemon · 02/09/2009 22:09

I would do ALOT more digging before saying anything.

Once he knows you know - anything untoward will be hard to prove/discover etc.

You cannot ignore this and you will HAVE to speak to him about it at some point but I would suggest alot more groundwork on your part first.

Original poster

NoseyHelen · 02/09/2009 22:53

Well, I did ask him about it this evening.
It went something like this (not verbatim):

Me: I noticed that someone has been accessing a number of escort agency websites on our PC...
DH: Really...? (Meaning, who could that have been?)
Me: Yes. It wasn't me and it wasn't the children so it must be you.
By this point he is looking a bit panicked.
DH: Well, yes it was just a one-off, mindless browsing.
Me: Are you telling me that you have never used an escort and have not been planning to use one?
DH: Yes, it was just mindless browsing.
Me: Do you swear on your children's life?
DH: Yes, it was just mindless browsing, a one off.
Me: I want you to know that I will not be able to stay with you if you have used a prostitute. I can't be with a man who treats women like this - you wouldn't want your own daughter to be a prostitute. I'd rather you had an affair.
DH: No really it was just mindless browsing.
Me: Do you swear that in front of God? (we are both Christian)
Me: Ok, I'm not going to argue with you.
And that was about it.

The thing is that I know it wasn't a one off and I know he e-mailed himself several website addresses. I'm not sure why I didn't say this to him.

I don't trust him to be honest and I'm not sure what the conversation achieved. I have noticed that he has deleted his internet history though.

As for the tips, DH has all his statements on line with passwords so I can't check.

The next time he goes out and rolls in at 6am I am hardly going to believe that he and his friends got so drunk he passed out on someone's sofa. Crikey, I know exactly how that last bit sounds. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

SheWillBeLoved · 02/09/2009 23:03

I was going to suggest taking screen shots of the history tabs earlier and printing them off, but got distracted by DD sorry I didn't quickly reply now that he has deleted them.

What did he say when you asked him to swear in front of God? Not that it matters, he swore in his own children's lives that it was a one off, when you clearly know it wasn't - so swearing in front of God and lying won't be hard for him to do, devout Christian or not.

Original poster

NoseyHelen · 02/09/2009 23:13

I don't think I have to prove what I saw. If I can tell him what I saw and he knows that I know I think that is sufficient.

He didn't seem phased by me asking him to swear on his children's lives or in front of God.

I thought he might say something like, 'How could you think I'd want to sleep with a prostitute'. I'm not sure what to make of him not saying this.

However, I knew he was lying but his body language gave very little away. I've suspected he's lied about a few things in the past (nothing serious) but he has seemed so genuine at the time that I don't know whether I can trust him now - or what I can do to resolve it.

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GypsyMoth · 02/09/2009 23:13

That's it then, as you say. He's done it before, and you don't trust him. Are you moving far? Were this agencies based in new area?

Original poster

NoseyHelen · 02/09/2009 23:26

We're in outer London and agencies all London based I think - I didn't look that hard to be honest.

The lies before haven't been anything like this - really 'little white lie' territory.

What am I supposed to do if I don't trust him?

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LauraIngallsWilder · 02/09/2009 23:30

Noseyhelen - sorry you are experiencing this
My XH did something similar

He lied and lied and I was so gullible I never once realised what he was up to.
Id sit dh down and thrash it out if it were me (might save you months of further wondering what he is up to)

A non pc Mumsnet {{{{hug}}}} from me

GypsyMoth · 02/09/2009 23:40

Well, I left when my ex did similiar, but he was violent also. There's no future without trust. Any doubts about his fidelity, any at all, get to a clinic!

Andrea67 · 02/09/2009 23:59

This is between you and him. Only you two can decide where this goes.

You must talk and decide how to move forward.

If the relationship is worth saving, then it's up to you both to sort things out before things go any further. I suggest you find a good relationship counsellor. This can really help.

Sometimes we get lost and do things we regret - men and women. We just have to be big enough to own up to our mistakes, decide what it is we really want and make a huge effort to put things right. In the long term relationships can become stronger.

I hope it works out for you.

Andrea x

YummyorSlummy · 03/09/2009 00:12

Ok he is clearly lying!
This is going to sound harsh but how can you believe him? Why would he be mindlessly browsing at escort agencies?!!
Don't waste your time! All the marriage therapy in the world won't undo his wrongs if he's cheated and the trust is gone. He has shown you by doing this that he doesn't have an ounce of respect for you and is willing to betray and lie to you.
Could you spend the rest of your life knowing that? Or would you rather start over and leave the door open for someone who will love you completely and would rather die than hurt you?
You can't just let it slide. You deserve more from life!

sherby · 03/09/2009 09:17

You know he is lying. You know this because he emailed the agencies and clearly accessed them more than once.

You need to decide what you want to do. Do you want to bury your head in the sand? Or can you really not live with a man who pays for sex with a prostitute?

If so then you need to sit down again and say 'i'm sorry but I do not believe you, I knwo you are lying because of x x x reason and I want an explaination.

Are your bank accounts joint? If so then go to the bank and ask for statements for the last 6 mths.

For what its worth I do not know your husband so can't say for sure, but it sounds like he is lying and I think you know it too.

Scorps · 03/09/2009 10:02

He is lying, i think. My DH also swore on my 3 childrens lives, and my unborn baby's life that he didn't cheat - he had.

Original poster

NoseyHelen · 03/09/2009 10:22

I spoke to him again this morning - saying I knew he looked at them more than once and that now I can't trust him when he goes out, especially people I don't know.

He repeated that it was a one-off occassion, despite me saying I know that he looked on more than one date because the PC logged it over a number of dates. He still denied it.

I can't take my children's father away from them - I would feel so guilty despite knowing I have no reason to feel guilty.

I think we must see a relationship counsellor and if he refuses this I am not sure what to do.

I never thought that our marriage would just implode like this.

OP posts:

YummyorSlummy · 03/09/2009 11:35

Would it really be taking there father away though? It would be a different set up but your children would still spend time with him, go and stay with him etc. Can you live like this and feel this much pain, staying in a marriage without trust for the sake of your children? When people do this, it actually seems to be more detrimental to the children than anything. You need to think of your happiness.He has been actively looking to be unfaithful to you- you are worth more than that!

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