Finding escort agencies on DH's PC

[NoseyHelen]

I logged in to our PC as my DH rather than myself (by mistake). I typed in the website address that I wanted but after a few letters it offered me an escort agency. Looking at the history, DH looked at 21 agency sites last week, 3 the week before that and 2 the week before that. I then looked at his e-mail - he had e-mailed himself 6 agency addresses.

What on earth do I do? Our sex-life has been pretty non-existent for a long time. As I type this I remember that 5 yrs ago, just before we were married, there was an agency address in his history but he said this was one of those pop up things - before we had adware to stop them popping up all the time (as they did in those days).

He's out with the children now - I have no idea what to do about this.

[ladylush]

When my h cheated I didn't feel at all guilty that my ds would be separated from his father. Maybe I should have. All I felt initially was rage, distress and humilation. Once those feelings had dissipated a little I was able to focus on practicalities like childcare. I planned to split care of ds between us so that he would be with me in the week and his father at the weekend. However, we stayed together in the end so it never came to this. I think I was too emotionally charged to really consider the effect the separation would have had on ds - though of course I was at pains to try and keep things stable for him during those few weeks after the affair came to light. Also my pride would not have let me stay with h just because of ds and I wouldn't want to settle for this lesser relationship.

[ladylush]

I agree with Yummy. My parents stayed together when they really shouldn't have. They did eventually split up but years later than they ought to have done.

[mumabee]

Hi NoseyHelen, I couldn't read your post and not reply. I am a counsellor and do not presume to know about your relationship. I would like to lend some support (apologies for the long post).

Firstly, I'm sorry that you have found this out about your DH. It must be a shock, especially if it's come out of the blue.

I will go against the grain and say yes, I think that your DH is not being truthful but does not seem to have taken the final step of actually going to the Escort Agencies. My gut instinct says he has thought about it but not gone through with it. The multiple searches suggest that he has not made up his mind and might be using them as a bit of escapism(for now). If he had gone to an Agency, he would probably initially return to the same one, because he would feel that he had gotten away with it and had adequately covered his tracks.

You both need to talk, is there someone who could take the kids for a few hours to give you time to talk/shout without the fear of the chilidren overhearing? I agree with you about finding a relationship counsellor and about your concerns about what happens if he refuses to go. How you pitch the counselling idea is very important because if he feels that he is going to be under attack or blamed, the chances are he will refuse to go, which leaves you in a tricky situation. It seems unfair that you have to be the one to pussyfoot around him when he is in the wrong but it is important to keep dialogue open, especially because you are worried about your children. As upset and angry as you are now, it might be an idea to try and organise your thoughts before talking to him which may help you focus. He knows that you know and is probably bricking it and thinking of how to get himself out of this mess. He knows that he has been caught out and has made matters worse by lying about it being a one-off and then deleting the history. The next logical step would be for him to be on the defensive. Ultimatums and threats could back him into a corner, achieving the opposite of what you want.

I would suggest that you write yourself a list of questions, if you can, to help you to clear your head, on the lines of:
a)What do I want to do? Do you want to stay with him? If yes, then what needs to change?
b)What you think has gone wrong in the relationship (you mentioned in OP that you are not intimate-have you spoken about it? Do you miss intimacy with him? If yes, chances are he misses it too. What would you would like to do to get it back on track? It might be the last thing you want right now but is something that will need to be addressed if you decide to stay with him.
c)Is there something else going on with him? Stress, worry, self esteem problems, weight issues etc? This does not excuse his behaviour in any way but might help get to the root of all this.
d)Has he been a good DH/ father before this happened? If he came clean, would you be able to forgive him and allow him to earn your trust again?

I agree with what someone else said about going to a GUM clinic, even if it's for piece of mind. Whatever the outcome of all this, this could be the start of a new chapter in your relationship.

I wish you all the best during this difficult time. I'll follow an earlier example, if I may and also give you a hug x

[AnAuntieNotAMum]

I'm amazed by mumabee's presumptions. No one reading this topic can know if this man has used prostitutes or not. What a strange idea that, having found one, he would always return to the same one. What if someone felt safer going to many different places so that one wouldn't get recognised? Don't forget that Helen had found an agency address years ago, before they were married.

Helen, are you happy living in a virtually sexless marriage? If you are, do you think that your husband is or can? Is it possible there's something deeper going on here as he looked at paid sex before you were married? Are there things about sex and his desires that make him ashamed and he wants to keep out of a "real" relationship?

Sorry to say also that he wouldn't be out all night to use a prostitute, in fact, that would cost serious amounts of money. Half an hour sometime on the way to or from work or at lunch is more likely.

Wish you luck, it's a horrid situation. I find it quite unusual to hear a woman say she would rather her husband had an affair than used paid sex. Women more often seem to say that an emotional betrayal would be worse than a sexual one.

My suggestion would be that, in the immediate, you both need to talk about your non-existent sex-life, address how you both feel about that and what you think the way forward is. Put that before the escort question if you can.

[wheniwishuponastar]

yes, that's true... makes sense to think what you want to do about you and your husband having sex. that's an important thing.

[NoseyHelen]

Thank you so much for all of your replies. I really appreciate it - and the uncharacteristic hugs!

I really don't know what to believe and I can't prove anything. I can't prove that he has actually used a prostitute and neither can he prove that he hasn't. He's never going to admit it though when I've made it quite clear that I won't stay with someone who'd use a prostitute. I did say this morning, 'Well to quote Mandy Rice-Davis, you would say that - which in the circumstances is rather apt, given her profession'.

To clarify the point on prefering him to have an affair - what I mean is that I can understand an affair but I can't abide a man who would exploit a woman. He knows I mean this since I had a very good male friend, until he told me that he'd used an 'escort' and I just couldn't relate to him after that.

I am unhappy that we have a sex-less marriage but part of me resents that I would have to make the initial overtures to remedy this - I'd like him to make the first move. To be honest most of my relationships have been full-on sexually to start with and then I've gone off it. With DH he seemed to go off it too and it was kind of convenient but I would like us to have some intimacy occassionally.

We definitely need to see a counsellor and I'll look into this.

The irony of all this is that I have recently decided to become a relationship counsellor. On Tuesday I said to him that I wondered if becoming a relationship counsellor would jinx our relationship. Yesterday when I went on the PC and found the escort agencies, I'd actually gone on the PC to register on the initial counselling course!

[NoseyHelen]

I just asked him if he would come to realtionship counselling - he said yes, if I would find it helpful - it's a start.