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Relationships

Finding escort agencies on DH's PC

32 replies

NoseyHelen · 02/09/2009 15:56

I logged in to our PC as my DH rather than myself (by mistake). I typed in the website address that I wanted but after a few letters it offered me an escort agency. Looking at the history, DH looked at 21 agency sites last week, 3 the week before that and 2 the week before that. I then looked at his e-mail - he had e-mailed himself 6 agency addresses.

What on earth do I do? Our sex-life has been pretty non-existent for a long time. As I type this I remember that 5 yrs ago, just before we were married, there was an agency address in his history but he said this was one of those pop up things - before we had adware to stop them popping up all the time (as they did in those days).

He's out with the children now - I have no idea what to do about this.

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NoseyHelen · 03/09/2009 18:04

I just asked him if he would come to realtionship counselling - he said yes, if I would find it helpful - it's a start.

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NoseyHelen · 03/09/2009 17:28

Thank you so much for all of your replies. I really appreciate it - and the uncharacteristic hugs!

I really don't know what to believe and I can't prove anything. I can't prove that he has actually used a prostitute and neither can he prove that he hasn't. He's never going to admit it though when I've made it quite clear that I won't stay with someone who'd use a prostitute. I did say this morning, 'Well to quote Mandy Rice-Davis, you would say that - which in the circumstances is rather apt, given her profession'.

To clarify the point on prefering him to have an affair - what I mean is that I can understand an affair but I can't abide a man who would exploit a woman. He knows I mean this since I had a very good male friend, until he told me that he'd used an 'escort' and I just couldn't relate to him after that.

I am unhappy that we have a sex-less marriage but part of me resents that I would have to make the initial overtures to remedy this - I'd like him to make the first move. To be honest most of my relationships have been full-on sexually to start with and then I've gone off it. With DH he seemed to go off it too and it was kind of convenient but I would like us to have some intimacy occassionally.

We definitely need to see a counsellor and I'll look into this.

The irony of all this is that I have recently decided to become a relationship counsellor. On Tuesday I said to him that I wondered if becoming a relationship counsellor would jinx our relationship. Yesterday when I went on the PC and found the escort agencies, I'd actually gone on the PC to register on the initial counselling course!

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wheniwishuponastar · 03/09/2009 16:50

yes, that's true... makes sense to think what you want to do about you and your husband having sex. that's an important thing.

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AnAuntieNotAMum · 03/09/2009 16:41

I'm amazed by mumabee's presumptions. No one reading this topic can know if this man has used prostitutes or not. What a strange idea that, having found one, he would always return to the same one. What if someone felt safer going to many different places so that one wouldn't get recognised? Don't forget that Helen had found an agency address years ago, before they were married.

Helen, are you happy living in a virtually sexless marriage? If you are, do you think that your husband is or can? Is it possible there's something deeper going on here as he looked at paid sex before you were married? Are there things about sex and his desires that make him ashamed and he wants to keep out of a "real" relationship?

Sorry to say also that he wouldn't be out all night to use a prostitute, in fact, that would cost serious amounts of money. Half an hour sometime on the way to or from work or at lunch is more likely.

Wish you luck, it's a horrid situation. I find it quite unusual to hear a woman say she would rather her husband had an affair than used paid sex. Women more often seem to say that an emotional betrayal would be worse than a sexual one.

My suggestion would be that, in the immediate, you both need to talk about your non-existent sex-life, address how you both feel about that and what you think the way forward is. Put that before the escort question if you can.

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mumabee · 03/09/2009 14:07

Hi NoseyHelen, I couldn't read your post and not reply. I am a counsellor and do not presume to know about your relationship. I would like to lend some support (apologies for the long post).

Firstly, I'm sorry that you have found this out about your DH. It must be a shock, especially if it's come out of the blue.

I will go against the grain and say yes, I think that your DH is not being truthful but does not seem to have taken the final step of actually going to the Escort Agencies. My gut instinct says he has thought about it but not gone through with it. The multiple searches suggest that he has not made up his mind and might be using them as a bit of escapism(for now). If he had gone to an Agency, he would probably initially return to the same one, because he would feel that he had gotten away with it and had adequately covered his tracks.

You both need to talk, is there someone who could take the kids for a few hours to give you time to talk/shout without the fear of the chilidren overhearing? I agree with you about finding a relationship counsellor and about your concerns about what happens if he refuses to go. How you pitch the counselling idea is very important because if he feels that he is going to be under attack or blamed, the chances are he will refuse to go, which leaves you in a tricky situation. It seems unfair that you have to be the one to pussyfoot around him when he is in the wrong but it is important to keep dialogue open, especially because you are worried about your children. As upset and angry as you are now, it might be an idea to try and organise your thoughts before talking to him which may help you focus. He knows that you know and is probably bricking it and thinking of how to get himself out of this mess. He knows that he has been caught out and has made matters worse by lying about it being a one-off and then deleting the history. The next logical step would be for him to be on the defensive. Ultimatums and threats could back him into a corner, achieving the opposite of what you want.

I would suggest that you write yourself a list of questions, if you can, to help you to clear your head, on the lines of:
a)What do I want to do? Do you want to stay with him? If yes, then what needs to change?
b)What you think has gone wrong in the relationship (you mentioned in OP that you are not intimate-have you spoken about it? Do you miss intimacy with him? If yes, chances are he misses it too. What would you would like to do to get it back on track? It might be the last thing you want right now but is something that will need to be addressed if you decide to stay with him.
c)Is there something else going on with him? Stress, worry, self esteem problems, weight issues etc? This does not excuse his behaviour in any way but might help get to the root of all this.
d)Has he been a good DH/ father before this happened? If he came clean, would you be able to forgive him and allow him to earn your trust again?

I agree with what someone else said about going to a GUM clinic, even if it's for piece of mind. Whatever the outcome of all this, this could be the start of a new chapter in your relationship.

I wish you all the best during this difficult time. I'll follow an earlier example, if I may and also give you a hug x

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ladylush · 03/09/2009 11:38

I agree with Yummy. My parents stayed together when they really shouldn't have. They did eventually split up but years later than they ought to have done.

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ladylush · 03/09/2009 11:37

When my h cheated I didn't feel at all guilty that my ds would be separated from his father. Maybe I should have. All I felt initially was rage, distress and humilation. Once those feelings had dissipated a little I was able to focus on practicalities like childcare. I planned to split care of ds between us so that he would be with me in the week and his father at the weekend. However, we stayed together in the end so it never came to this. I think I was too emotionally charged to really consider the effect the separation would have had on ds - though of course I was at pains to try and keep things stable for him during those few weeks after the affair came to light. Also my pride would not have let me stay with h just because of ds and I wouldn't want to settle for this lesser relationship.

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YummyorSlummy · 03/09/2009 11:35

Would it really be taking there father away though? It would be a different set up but your children would still spend time with him, go and stay with him etc. Can you live like this and feel this much pain, staying in a marriage without trust for the sake of your children? When people do this, it actually seems to be more detrimental to the children than anything. You need to think of your happiness.He has been actively looking to be unfaithful to you- you are worth more than that!

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NoseyHelen · 03/09/2009 10:22

I spoke to him again this morning - saying I knew he looked at them more than once and that now I can't trust him when he goes out, especially people I don't know.

He repeated that it was a one-off occassion, despite me saying I know that he looked on more than one date because the PC logged it over a number of dates. He still denied it.

I can't take my children's father away from them - I would feel so guilty despite knowing I have no reason to feel guilty.

I think we must see a relationship counsellor and if he refuses this I am not sure what to do.

I never thought that our marriage would just implode like this.

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Scorps · 03/09/2009 10:02

He is lying, i think. My DH also swore on my 3 childrens lives, and my unborn baby's life that he didn't cheat - he had.

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sherby · 03/09/2009 09:17

You know he is lying. You know this because he emailed the agencies and clearly accessed them more than once.

You need to decide what you want to do. Do you want to bury your head in the sand? Or can you really not live with a man who pays for sex with a prostitute?

If so then you need to sit down again and say 'i'm sorry but I do not believe you, I knwo you are lying because of x x x reason and I want an explaination.

Are your bank accounts joint? If so then go to the bank and ask for statements for the last 6 mths.

For what its worth I do not know your husband so can't say for sure, but it sounds like he is lying and I think you know it too.

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YummyorSlummy · 03/09/2009 00:12

Ok he is clearly lying!
This is going to sound harsh but how can you believe him? Why would he be mindlessly browsing at escort agencies?!!
Don't waste your time! All the marriage therapy in the world won't undo his wrongs if he's cheated and the trust is gone. He has shown you by doing this that he doesn't have an ounce of respect for you and is willing to betray and lie to you.
Could you spend the rest of your life knowing that? Or would you rather start over and leave the door open for someone who will love you completely and would rather die than hurt you?
You can't just let it slide. You deserve more from life!

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Andrea67 · 02/09/2009 23:59

This is between you and him. Only you two can decide where this goes.

You must talk and decide how to move forward.

If the relationship is worth saving, then it's up to you both to sort things out before things go any further. I suggest you find a good relationship counsellor. This can really help.

Sometimes we get lost and do things we regret - men and women. We just have to be big enough to own up to our mistakes, decide what it is we really want and make a huge effort to put things right. In the long term relationships can become stronger.

I hope it works out for you.

Andrea x

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GypsyMoth · 02/09/2009 23:40

Well, I left when my ex did similiar, but he was violent also. There's no future without trust. Any doubts about his fidelity, any at all, get to a clinic!

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LauraIngallsWilder · 02/09/2009 23:30

Noseyhelen - sorry you are experiencing this
My XH did something similar

He lied and lied and I was so gullible I never once realised what he was up to.
Id sit dh down and thrash it out if it were me (might save you months of further wondering what he is up to)

A non pc Mumsnet {{{{hug}}}} from me

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NoseyHelen · 02/09/2009 23:26

We're in outer London and agencies all London based I think - I didn't look that hard to be honest.

The lies before haven't been anything like this - really 'little white lie' territory.

What am I supposed to do if I don't trust him?

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GypsyMoth · 02/09/2009 23:13

That's it then, as you say. He's done it before, and you don't trust him. Are you moving far? Were this agencies based in new area?

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NoseyHelen · 02/09/2009 23:13

I don't think I have to prove what I saw. If I can tell him what I saw and he knows that I know I think that is sufficient.

He didn't seem phased by me asking him to swear on his children's lives or in front of God.

I thought he might say something like, 'How could you think I'd want to sleep with a prostitute'. I'm not sure what to make of him not saying this.

However, I knew he was lying but his body language gave very little away. I've suspected he's lied about a few things in the past (nothing serious) but he has seemed so genuine at the time that I don't know whether I can trust him now - or what I can do to resolve it.

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SheWillBeLoved · 02/09/2009 23:03

I was going to suggest taking screen shots of the history tabs earlier and printing them off, but got distracted by DD sorry I didn't quickly reply now that he has deleted them.

What did he say when you asked him to swear in front of God? Not that it matters, he swore in his own children's lives that it was a one off, when you clearly know it wasn't - so swearing in front of God and lying won't be hard for him to do, devout Christian or not.

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NoseyHelen · 02/09/2009 22:53

Well, I did ask him about it this evening.
It went something like this (not verbatim):

Me: I noticed that someone has been accessing a number of escort agency websites on our PC...
DH: Really...? (Meaning, who could that have been?)
Me: Yes. It wasn't me and it wasn't the children so it must be you.
By this point he is looking a bit panicked.
DH: Well, yes it was just a one-off, mindless browsing.
Me: Are you telling me that you have never used an escort and have not been planning to use one?
DH: Yes, it was just mindless browsing.
Me: Do you swear on your children's life?
DH: Yes, it was just mindless browsing, a one off.
Me: I want you to know that I will not be able to stay with you if you have used a prostitute. I can't be with a man who treats women like this - you wouldn't want your own daughter to be a prostitute. I'd rather you had an affair.
DH: No really it was just mindless browsing.
Me: Do you swear that in front of God? (we are both Christian)
Me: Ok, I'm not going to argue with you.
And that was about it.

The thing is that I know it wasn't a one off and I know he e-mailed himself several website addresses. I'm not sure why I didn't say this to him.

I don't trust him to be honest and I'm not sure what the conversation achieved. I have noticed that he has deleted his internet history though.

As for the tips, DH has all his statements on line with passwords so I can't check.

The next time he goes out and rolls in at 6am I am hardly going to believe that he and his friends got so drunk he passed out on someone's sofa. Crikey, I know exactly how that last bit sounds. I just don't know what to do.

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MrsLemon · 02/09/2009 22:09

I would do ALOT more digging before saying anything.

Once he knows you know - anything untoward will be hard to prove/discover etc.

You cannot ignore this and you will HAVE to speak to him about it at some point but I would suggest alot more groundwork on your part first.

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ladylush · 02/09/2009 22:02

check bank statements

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sherby · 02/09/2009 19:03

If I were you I would firstly print out anything you can and put it away somewhere so he can't delete etc.

Then I would log on online to phone bills/credit cards and print them out and any hard copies you have. Check for phone numbers to escort agencies, withdrawals of unusual amounts of money? Look at the dates can you remember what he was doing on those days.

Then I would wait until the children are in bed and calmly say I would like to speak with you please. I was on the pc earlier and saw xxxx, please can you explain to me how it got there and why you were looking at it?

I do not think you cannot just not bring it up because you are worried about breaking up/not moving etc. You have already said your position is you could not live with a man who was sleeping with escorts so you need to know what is going on, for your relationship and your own sexual health.

I have no doubt he will probably just say 'oh I was browsing' it seems to be the way these things go, so I think you should definitely do some digging before you let him know you know.

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IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes · 02/09/2009 19:01

I wouldn't ignore it but dont assume he has used escorts. People often have fantasies that never become a reality, infact they may prefer them to stay as a fantasy. He may have just looked at at the pages.

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Besom · 02/09/2009 18:58

Poor you. This must be a terrible shock. It's no wonder you don't know what to say to him. Don't think you can ignore it though.

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