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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can i moan about dh and money

143 replies

cheesesarnie · 29/08/2009 14:28

sorry another relationship post from me within 5 minutes

money is tight atm,im worrying about it every night but have been very good getting the weekly shopping down to £34(for 5),we're going without things but eating a fairly balanced diet.im a sahm so this comes out of the family tax credit and child benefit.i also pay bills out of this (water,council tax,electric,a catologue we used to buy washing machine and new tv when old one blew up),driving lessons.

dh works full time and long hours.

on thursday i did the weekly shop saying no to dc when they wanted certain things in supermarket just because i dont have the money.we did it in budget with £3 to last till next thursdayand the very next morning dh comes in with food shopping(£160 worth).this really upset me for some reason,he knows i panic about money and if he'd said he had 'spare' money it could have gone to something else-such as next weeks food bill.i can see in good way now that we now have freezer full of food but was and yesterday.i think just because he's now a hero to dc splashing cash on cakes and treats etc!

also last week he casually mentioned going to hairdresser,i was as he knew dc needed hair cuts before going back to school but i couldnt afford it.

i know im being silly and immature.its just theres no 'us' when it comes to money or even parenting really.

ignore my silly rant

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesesarnie · 30/08/2009 00:51

AnAuntieNotAMum-how do you know all this at this time of night

OP posts:
AnAuntieNotAMum · 30/08/2009 01:14

I used to volunteer for CAB and I haven't had a drink tonight so might as well do something useful

Sleep well.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/08/2009 08:52

So he takes home, say, 1000 a month, plus 260 HB, plus (say) 160 TCs. 1420. Out of this he pays at least 250 loan repayments, 650 rent. Anything else? Car insuraance, utilities? That still leaves him with minimum 300 after all those things are paid. 300 disposable income. What??? Does he have a gambling problem? Addiction to porn? drug problem? Where is this money going? And where did that 10 grand go? That's a hell of a lot of money.

I find it unbelievable that he could take out a loan and not tell you.

RealityIsNOTDetoxing · 30/08/2009 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CarGirl · 30/08/2009 12:58

I wonder if he still has credit cards and that's how he bought all the shopping?

No wonder he doesn't want to dicuss finances if he's been hiding all that debt & his spending habits from you.

Thinking of you

bellavita · 30/08/2009 13:34

Just wondering how you are today.

Did you manage to get the photocopying done?

DutchGirly · 30/08/2009 14:32

Please, please read up about financial abuse which this is.

I am very concerned about you being dragged into debt, debt that you may not know about.

I am appalled that your kids have to go without, whilst he spends HIS money (wtf does he thinks you do, SAHM is a job as well). The children should be priority no 1, no doubt about that.

sheepgomeep · 30/08/2009 17:05

omg he sounds like my dp!

I too am having terrible issues with my dp over money. But mine will take my cashcards out of my purse or pockets, hide them and then spend the money. He reckons he has too do it because I'm crap with money (I managed fine as a single parent) He gives me £2 a day sometimes and I just don't know what to do.

We have row upon row upon row about it, he says he can't help I think its a control issue so I don't leave him (he is very insecure)

But he has got us into terrible debt, bailiffs on door, council tax arrears and yet he thinks nothing about spending 20 quid at the shop and comes back with shit

I'm sick of it and I hate him at times.

AnAuntieNotAMum · 30/08/2009 20:41

Sheep, that sounds dreadful for you. Can I ask why you stay with this man?

Council tax arrears is not good, much worse than cards or loans, it's a criminal offence to not pay council tax.

Does he have the pin numbers to your cards? Can you change them?

whyme2 · 30/08/2009 21:11

Cheesesarnie I hope you get this sorted.The stress of it all must be awful.

sheepgomeep · 31/08/2009 11:15

I love him. I know its pathetic. Also he won't leave and it is just too much hassle to go through the police etc. We have got to go to court on the 24 sep over CT arreara. I will change the pin numbers it won't stop him taking the cards but it will stop him from taking the money.. I'm loath to do it because he will make my life miserable not violent as such but very bad temperered and nasty.

Our actual relationship is ok but the money thing is a huge prob

Portofino · 31/08/2009 11:24

Your relationship doesn't sound OK to me sheep! It sounds a bit shit actually!

sheepgomeep · 31/08/2009 11:38

I know that deep down. I'm just not strong enough to leave him. He knows he has a problem, we have tried to get help but no one wants to know. He says its like a compulsion for him. He had a terrible childhood.. no excuse I know but it was truly awful.

Portofino · 31/08/2009 12:03

Does he work? Do you?

mamas12 · 31/08/2009 14:59

Sheep go to the doctors and ask for some help with councelling for yourself.
That will give you confidence to stand up to him
Your relationship is NOT okay btw. just so you know.

sheepgomeep · 31/08/2009 15:08

I work pt, he doesn't. He got laid off before xmas last year and has struggled to find work since.

He doesn't get jobseekers at all now because I earn slighlty over the amount that we need to live on (even though we are heavily in debt)

Portofino · 31/08/2009 16:46

Are the dcs his? You mentioned being a singe parent.... I honestly would get rid of him. He is just spongeing off you. It can only get worse!

AnAuntieNotAMum · 31/08/2009 17:04

Sheep - have you got support from CAB or similar to help you prepare the paperwork for the 24th?

Do change the pin numbers.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2009 18:06

Sheep

Your actual relationship with him is not healthy at all; its deeply dysfunctional. How on earth can you write that your actual relationship is okay. All your writings are precisely those of an abused woman.

What's there to love about him exactly?. How on earth did you hook up with him?.

What is in this "relationship" for you now?. He is a cocklodger and thus not worth it. He is only dragging you and any children down with him. You've got the baliffs around because of him, you have CT arrears. This IS hassle and CT arrears are very serious indeed. This is not love, he is controlling you!. He has absolutely no idea what love is and you cannot help him. You're the last person who can help him. The controlling behaviour that he gives you is abusive behaviour. He takes your cards (on the dubious pretence that you're crap with money) and then spends the cash!. Why does he have your PIN numbers?.

He may well have had a crap childhood but frankly that is his issue to deal with.
Why do you say its too much hassle to go to the Police?. Stop excusing him and your own self here. You can get this man out of your lives if you truly want to but you need to be strong. He is setting a terrible example to you and your children.

What are you both teaching these children here?.

Podrick · 31/08/2009 18:17

Does your dh add to your life? Is he worth hanging on to?

I would think you would be better off financially without him tbh.

colditz · 31/08/2009 18:30

CS

The shit is going to hit the fan when you challenge him on this . He will either flip or clam. Trust me. I know my stuff.

Be strong and don't be afraid to kick him out if that is what you need to do.

sheepgomeep · 31/08/2009 19:39

2 are mine from a previous relationship, he has 2 dd from a previous relationship and we have dd2 together. We have been together for four years

When we both worked everything was ok, not perfect but what is. Since he hasn't worked he has been really controlling.

He helps loads round the house, is very good with the kids, gives me a break when I need it with the kids BUT its the money thing isn't it.

I just don't want the police involved. My mum works for them.

I have mentioned that I think he has aspergers, loads of things fit with him,

There is a 6 week waiting list for help with the cab, its too late for that

Sorry cheesesarnie I've hijacked your thread I will start another one.

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 01/09/2009 16:49

sorry.just a quick message to say my keypads been broken so havent been ignoring you all.will update later or tomorrow.

weve spoken-you all gave me courage!

OP posts:
hayes · 01/09/2009 17:06

hope you got it sorted out

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 02/09/2009 11:08

don't worry sheep-hijack away.seems were both dealing with loser dh.or (my new favorite word)'cocklodgers'

well.when dh came home from work i left it an hour and said we need to talk about money etc as really isn't fair that i be struggling etc while he seemingly has no worries and never ending supply of cash.he kept saying 'later'.'later' he would write out incoming and outgoings.'later' wed talk.etc etc.it got to later and i just thought this cant carry on so told him he needed to realise how serious i was and that its not just about the money.we had huge row and i went off upstairs.i must have fallen straight to sleep and the next morning he handed me a run down of his in comings and outgoings-simple-why the fuss!
from what i worked out,theres no dodgyness,just lots of bills i hadn't realised about.Ive worked out he has £40 a week left over and have told him that £30 of it needs to go towards the shopping.and that if anything else came up-like school shoes or whatever i would use that and have a week of shopping on £40 again.
i also told him a few other things that i hadnt been able to tell him-like booking my driving test in secret because hes so unsupprtive.it all came out.
things seem a little better-i suppose just getting it out in the open.but we will see how it goes.
he reckons he didnt know how bad things were!!!he did.

OP posts:
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