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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can i moan about dh and money

143 replies

cheesesarnie · 29/08/2009 14:28

sorry another relationship post from me within 5 minutes

money is tight atm,im worrying about it every night but have been very good getting the weekly shopping down to £34(for 5),we're going without things but eating a fairly balanced diet.im a sahm so this comes out of the family tax credit and child benefit.i also pay bills out of this (water,council tax,electric,a catologue we used to buy washing machine and new tv when old one blew up),driving lessons.

dh works full time and long hours.

on thursday i did the weekly shop saying no to dc when they wanted certain things in supermarket just because i dont have the money.we did it in budget with £3 to last till next thursdayand the very next morning dh comes in with food shopping(£160 worth).this really upset me for some reason,he knows i panic about money and if he'd said he had 'spare' money it could have gone to something else-such as next weeks food bill.i can see in good way now that we now have freezer full of food but was and yesterday.i think just because he's now a hero to dc splashing cash on cakes and treats etc!

also last week he casually mentioned going to hairdresser,i was as he knew dc needed hair cuts before going back to school but i couldnt afford it.

i know im being silly and immature.its just theres no 'us' when it comes to money or even parenting really.

ignore my silly rant

OP posts:
mamas12 · 29/08/2009 20:12

No it is not snooping at all. It is the family money and the sooner you are able to stand up up to this the better.
Do it tonight when dcs are in bed and if you need any advice about it I suggest you make an appointment with CAB. Your dh need not know until you are confident in what you will say is going to happen.

LoveMyGirls · 29/08/2009 20:13

How can it be snooping when legally what's his is yours too?

In this house everything is shared, everything is open and I do the filing so I see everything and I'd go mad if dp tried to hide anything and we're not married yet (will be soon though)

You have every right to look at what's going on!

If he refuses to talk/ sort it out/ have joint bank account whatever then kick him out, it won't be you that's split the marriage up, it will be him because he's selfish and finacially abusing you!

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 29/08/2009 20:35

i wouldnt know what questions to ask

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 29/08/2009 20:54

I'd sit him down and say I want to know everything regarding money, I want to know why he can go and spend £160 on shopping and I can't when we are married and supposed to be equal.

You need to know every income and every out going. Do a spreadsheet if it makes it easier.

No wonder he doesn't want to discuss, why would he when he's got the good end of the deal while you have the very shitty end?

mamas12 · 29/08/2009 20:55

If you're talking questions for CAB, don't worry they will know what questions you and they need to ask.
Honestly cheesesarnie, Go do now while you are on here and we will support you.
Don't be afraid of him anymore, he is not there and we are not going to tell him.

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 29/08/2009 21:00

i cant look now as his box of 'stuff' is in our bedroom and dd and ds1 are watching a movie.

i have spreadsheet that a lovely mner emailed me,i told him about it but he wasnt impressed.i do all mine in my 'organised mum' life book thingy,ive shown him-just so he knows how tight my budget is.
i'll print out the spreed sheet now so that its all ready and waiting.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 29/08/2009 21:06

Well done.
You have to do it. It is ridiculous to keep living the way you're living cheessarnie.
Good luck and come back on here to let us know how it's going. Later on tonight or whenever...

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 29/08/2009 21:09

what kind of things do i need to look for?

wage slips
tc documents
housing benefit documents
details of loan argreements?
????

car insurance policies?things like that?

OP posts:
bellavita · 29/08/2009 21:12

As others have said, you need to get this sorted. It ain't right

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 29/08/2009 22:50

right dc all fast asleep and im ready to snoop!

OP posts:
bellavita · 29/08/2009 22:53

Am all nervous for you...

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 29/08/2009 22:59

me too

where is your h?

please let us know you are okay

oldraver · 29/08/2009 23:03

Cheesesarnie are his details not on the Tax Credits award notice or is this in his box of stuff ??

To be honest you would be better off financially to kick him out. You would get your CTC and CB, another £63 IS, plus your rent and council tax paid. So you would have £273 per month more cash plus whatever your council tax is probably another £120 ish.

Point out to him he needs to divvy up the money better or you will be forced to go it alone. Is this your only worry with him because you dont sound happy at all

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 29/08/2009 23:06

im fine.hes away tonight.

right,quick look and have worked out his weekly wage(bring home) is between £220 and £335.most recent tc thing i could find was july and had him down as getting £68!and me £131(which is wrong as i get £143.but found loan things from his bank.one which was taken out in 2004 for £7500 paid back over 96 months at £127.68 a month.and another taken out in 2007 for £10000 paid back over 60 months at £249.72 a month no idea if these are paid off or up to date or whatever.also life policy,pension plan,home insurance and car tax etc etc.

so the loans are a secret and probably where his moneys going.maybe.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesesarnie · 29/08/2009 23:07

no its not my only worry .

just everything.

OP posts:
mamas12 · 29/08/2009 23:09

You also sound not so confident in the finance arena but why?
YOU are coping extremely well on the pittance you have compared with him sporadically splashing out and then telling you you he's skint so can't buy his own dcs things!!!
Get everything that includes money basically especially bank account details and do some chicking.

bellavita · 29/08/2009 23:10

Blimey, those are big loans and long repayment terms too...

What about bank statements? you would be able to tell from those if loans are still live.

Is the tc a week for him?

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 29/08/2009 23:11

because i dont think i do cope well.i always feel theres something more i could do.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesesarnie · 29/08/2009 23:11

no bank statements.yep tc are each week.

OP posts:
bellavita · 29/08/2009 23:12

Like what cheesesarnie? It sounds as if you pay more than your fair share as it is without having a fair share if that makes sense..

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 29/08/2009 23:13

if he kept up to date with them they should now be paid off shouldnt they?my brain hurts

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 29/08/2009 23:14

60 months is 5 years so that can 't be paid off yet

bellavita · 29/08/2009 23:14

Are tc to boost someones income?

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 29/08/2009 23:14

i dont know but i still go to bed every night wondering what else i could do.what would help,or general worrying.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesesarnie · 29/08/2009 23:15

im a dumbarse can you believe i just retook gcse maths(i'll give up waiting for the results!).

OP posts: