I'm not going to be popular, but I need someone to talk to

[veryconfusedandupset]

Have name changed for this, obviously. Married for many years but although we intellectually connect and have fun the sexual side of it has never been quite right. DH seems inhibited and isn't really up for anything out of the ordinary. Anyway, I'm on this committee to do with work and through it I met X who is a few years younger than me, overweight, totooed and into bling (really not my type)on his third marriage and very good company. Not obviously attractive but there is something about him. he is a nurse who holds an administrative position and has that nice empathic manner that male nurses sometimes do. Anyway one thing led to another and before I knew where I was I was being bombarded with texts, invited for drinks and we began to see each other.We do get on very well, not just sexually. It has really messed my head about. As we both have families ( though mine are teens, his daughter is 11) we agreed we would not run away togerther, but both said we would like to.He is an acomplished lover and I do want him physically but each time we get close to having sex he pulls back and says that is not as high on his agenda as it is on mine ( though he invites me round to his house when his wife is out), sends me porny pictures and tries to have sex in wierd positions, but never actually does very much. I've been really silly over this and I'm now unreasonably and stupidly totally in love with him and I think I'm scaring him off by being a bit OTT. I'm just so upset and want to be with him and I feel miserable because he doesn't think it is reasonable I think sex is so important and now he is off to Devon on holiday for a week and I just can't cope and he thinks it is unreasonable of me tobe upset.I've tried really hard with DH over the years but no oral sex, not much sexual activity and no talking in bed leaves me very frustrated. No one will have any sympathy with me but I just can't cope with this on my own. Lover thinks I should be happy just to meet for a grope every now and then in a car park - or to pay for hotel for our meets.(he seems to have no money despite earning more than me)What a mess, am I being unreasonable to want more from X - or is he right that I should just chill out and enjoy what is on offer? If I give him up I'm going to feel distraught, upset and lost, but I feel like sh*t anyway. Don't want to leave DH, love him but can't cope with barren sex life forever - I'm getting on a bit and this might be my last chance.Abit of sensible advice and insight please.

This has been going on for 3 months now, this week has been very fraught for both of us at work, neither of us has been well and we have not been in contact so much. I just wanted to have some time with him this evening but we only had 45 minutes and I got very upset - he said i was obsessed by sex and that he was happy just to be with me and just do as we fancy. I said that when you love someone it is the natural consequence. i have been really upset since I got home and have only been explicit becuase it is hard to explain what there is between us withou it, sorry to have offended anyone

are yu a nurse t verycnfused?

sorry my os are not cming out unless i press very hard.

Good lord,woman. I thought the whole point of an affair was to have red hot sex. But you aren't even getting that. Patch it up with husband. Get a divorce. Buy some new cushion covers. Back pack around Asia. Whatever it takes. But give this guy a wide berth.

veryconfusedandupset - your name says it all, really.

It's not suprising that after so long of decent marriage but unfulfilling sex life that you're getting so worked up by the (very) slight possibility of something more exciting - drowning, straw, clutching comes to mind.

I'm not judging, just surmising. Can't be easy. No matter what you do, there's hard choices ahead.

I agree with those who say you need to, well, sort yourself out first. And priority number one is get shot of bling boy. He doesn't give a fuck about you. Quite literally, as he won't even finish what he's started. I reckon he just likes the attention of it all.

Cheating on third wife? Won't even bother to complete the deed? Odd positions? Come on, you know time spent with him has disaster written all over it.

Wow. That sounded a lot harsher than it was meant to.

Seriously. Get some space for your head. Re-read this thread - esp your posts. And realise that this is a mess and you and X need to stop cheating and start deciding what to do with your marriages. It's a matter of time before tongues wag at work, and then it will get back to your spouses.

Thank you everyone for talking some sense to me - I'm going to bed now and will mull it all over in the morning - I have been thinking he is wonderful, but I can see my growing feeling that he is not is well founded and teh next week will give me some breathing space to sort it all out.

how on earth can he say it is you who obsessed with sex!!!

He sounds bad news to me-much better to concentrate on improving your relationship with DH.

Run!...and don't look back..

'overweight, totooed and into bling'

'he sent me some anal pics because he hasn't done that before and would like to try with me'

'I thought for a first approach sort of sideways onwith me on my back and him on his knees at rightangles was a bit odd, and then he wants me on my back but with my legs almost behind my ears '

Yeah,great catch you got there,can see why you'd want to leave your dh....

Ha ha ha, I've just followed the link to the sexual technics... Love. It! "Its got nothing to do with your vorsprung durch technic, you know". I'd suggest investing in a vibrator... progress through technology!

Sorry, I don't mean to mock. I can't do sex without emotional involvement. I could sleep with the biggest munter on the planet and I would still have emotional attachment I reckon. The safer option in your case is therefore The Rabbit.

I rather like the old sexual technics position actually- it is unfairly mocked

Off for some bean-flicking...OP,good luck with sorting your head out

This man doesn't sound that much of a catch- I really can't see what you are getting from this relationship at all.

If you don't want to be with your husband, end it and find someone who makes you feel happy, loved and valued.

If you do want to be with your husband, end the affair before you get found out. Too many people stand to get hurt, most importantly the children.

Everyone should be happy, but in this set up I just can't see anyone winning.

Been thinking about this some more today. I feel really horrible, as if I've been dumped by someone I love but can't go on like this, although I will have to have some professional contact with him, which will be difficult. Suspect he is far happier with wife than says and as he has let me down in other ways just trying not to think about him and be positive about life. Looking back over the posts you have all given me very sensible advice.

Anal pics? ...he sounds a right arse hole.

I agree with dittany. OP, if you are real, get yourself some help luv.

confused, I promise in time you will look back on this, cringe deeply and think what a lucky escape you have had by getting out now, before he demolishes your self esteem.

His poor wife, being stuck with a loser who sends filth to other women. You are not missing out on anything by giving him up.
Appreciate what you have in your DH, and let him go if you can't, he sounds way too good to be treated like this.

Tiredoftherain - sure you are right. And the other reasons I should not be interested ( which I'm reciting because I still feel sad and disapointed and unloved)1. He really is quite fat, 2. He expected me to pay for everything. 3. He said he was used to having his pick of women years ago 4. Says he has rubber allergy 5. Warty hands 6. Bitten fingernails 7.Sent me lots of poems on clip art pages and they were pretty awful 8. The porn 9. Makes suggestive comments to other women as if it were a joke 10. has horrid shoes 11. Not nice to invite mistress to mat. home when wife at work and email to go to mat. bed (never done)12. Sent me picture of his dogs shagging!and with our names printed on the page. 13. Wants dogs to breed - too many dogs in world already. 14. In addition to the other porn sent me picture of a "foot job" in action. I know this sounds like a spoof and I am stupid but it is all true and I am going to be well shot.

Jeez, I don't know whether to laugh or cry for you!

gawd almighty, yes you are well-shot!!

or you need to be shot, one way or the other

rubber allergy = will not use condoms ??

get thee to the clap clinic, pronto