All these Mother-in-Law postings

[Extended]

When I read all these Mother-in-Law postings it makes me sad. Not that I doubt the sincerity of what people write but because I think they don?t appreciate what it is like for young couples when there is no parental support available.

In the three years we were at university, this was prior to getting married, we lost all four parents (two in a motorway crash, one in a accident on the farm and one with cancer). Quite a lot to cope with in your late teens and early 20?s!

Try having no parents at your wedding, no grandparents for your children and no sources of emotional support available 24/7.

The loss of our parents was life changing for both of us so just remember that in the vast majority of cases any parent is better than none.

Nobody on here has tarred MILs with the same brush, me, and others have acknowledged that the vast majority are nice, normal, people. You seem to be convinced that we are all vindictive MIL hating cows, this isn't the case. We just hate our own MIL, but can sympathise with others about MIL problems.

My MIL says she's only being honest too .

Sayithowitis - ah yes forgot that I had dared to wonder if the academic success was a trifle exaggerated. I still think Porcupine was indulging in a bit of exaggeration for the sake of emphasis and I just thought I'd point it out. Am a bit puzzled as to why someone giving reasons for their actions is causing so much anger in others. I always find it easier to understand things if I can see the reasons behind it, but there you go.

Yes I do accept that people are"at the end of their tether" and post on here for support. I think you are inferring that I am judging people as to whether they are reasonable or not and this is not the case.Re your point that it is "hurtful to be told by strangers that you are being unreasonable" I absolutely agree and I don't believe that I have ever said such a thing. You seem to be convinced that I have so can you let me know which posts of mine have made such comments. At the risk of annoying again (as people clearly don't like to look at what is behind a person's beahviour) the original comment by Porcupine that she thought it "wierd" that her MIL expected to have a close bond with her grand child, I found very worrying and even offensive and so made my views known.

I'm sorry (woops shouldn't apologise on here - forgot myself for a minute) that you have such a difficult MIL and I agree there is no point in trying any more.

I will though decide for myself when to stop posting. I am not actually upset - more intrigued and if the truth be known a touch addicted. I'm sure it will pass. Also I find this a bit more interesting and stimulating than posts about whether a child should be allowed sugar on strawberries (oh god I do hope that poster doesn't have a toxic MIL and be on this thread too or I will be in such trouble) I think you're right in that people just want to vent about their MILS and I firmly believe that they don't actually want to hear anything that might not wholly accord with their own views. I still believe that is the real reason for the reactions I am getting.

And still the insults and distortions are coming in............mad as a spoon (a spoon? oh well) a nasty passive/aggressive person..............bit offensive, not just a teeny bit............no. OK

StayFothersister - YES you have rumbled me. I AM actually one of those toxic MILS and my 3 DILS all hate me. How clever and insightful of you to be able to give me such an accurate assessment of my character and disposition - ah the wonders of the internet. Happy Now!

Cocopew - Not tarring all MILS with same brush eh? You said in response to a DIL complaint about her MIL "of course she blames you - she's your MIL." Now, that sounds a bit like tarring with the same brush to me but then what do I know.

Gettingagrip - Any evidence for you allegations yet............No..........thought not!

I am standing by for the backlash!

Where did I say that? If you are referring to Weegiemums thread it was a joke from another convo we had.

Do you go around threads writing down anything bad said about MILs? .

It's bad etiquette to bring up other threads,my post have been referring to this thread only.

I think you're right Frosty, I'll think I go now. Banging my head aginst a brick wall springs to mind.

bloody hell, pretty personal eh?

I'm with the poster saying that mil dil problems often stem from dil being raised as an independent adult and her parents respecting her choices and wishes and then marrying a whose dm doesn't. It does clash.

I know - I was having fertility investigations and they identified issues with my dh. We went to visit her and I was dragged off to see a specialist booked by mil! I was horrified and more so when she came with me and dh and when we were called she walked into the room with us. At least the doctor firmly showed her back out. I was too shocked and went along with it but my parents were absolutely livid when I told them.

Delusional given thjat the issues were dh's and she knew that.

Nana Nina, I have just read some of your recent posts all in one go.

"Sayithowitis - ah yes forgot that I had dared to wonder if the academic success was a trifle exaggerated. I still think Porcupine was indulging in a bit of exaggeration for the sake of emphasis and I just thought I'd point it out."

and

"3.Been accused of saying that someone was lying. This was absolutely NOT the case. In my defence I pointed out the difference between lying and wondering if there was a slight exaggeration. After this my accusers went quiet so I can only assume that they have accepted the difference."

So basically, if I am off MN for a few hours and not here to defend myself, you are going to continue with your line that I 'exaggerated' my success, which everyone apart from you reads as 'porcupine is a liar.' So now people on a forum where I frequently post and ask for/share advice think I am a liar.

Please cease and desist. I am a very academic person, that is all - I told you my grades to show how crazy it was for you to jump to the conclusion that I was 'intellectually limited' simply because I interpreted a poem in the same way that the rest of the literary world had done before me. The reason I have not been on MN today is because I am in the process of a miscarriage, and no that is no a lie either, very sadly.

I wanted to thank you all those posters who have stood up for me, I have been really grateful for your comments.

the original comment by Porcupine that she thought it "weird" that her MIL expected to have a close bond with her grand child, I found very worrying and even offensive and so made my views known.

My comment was such an innocuous one - that it was weird from the DIL's point of view that a MIL who had zero interest in her was suddenly so passionate about a baby who had just emerged from the DIL's body. I then said that this makes DILs hypercritical, so if anything, I was rather more balanced than I feel now having read pages of your criticisms of DILs.

It's a bit much to call it the 'original comment'. You were already arguing with other posters when I joined the thread four pages in.

Thanks StayFrostys, it was relatively early on, but still surprisingly depressing. There are nice people to talk to on here about it, but it's times like these when I miss my mum so much.

Oh Porcupine

So so sorry .

Ignore, ignore, ignore, the silly woman....of course no-one thinks you are a liar!

Everyone can see Nina for what she is though!!

Hope you are feeling a little better soon.

Love and hugs

xxxx

Porcupine, I am so sorry to hear your sad news. I've been there,done that, got the t-shirt as they say. And however early it is, it still hurts. A lot. I hope you have someone with you to support you, both now and over the next couple of weeks. I always found it was a few weeks later that the blinding hurt really kicked in. Never done this before on here, but here goes: ((hugs)).

NanaNina, you clearly do not understand what I was trying to say. I have not said that you have called me unreasonable, however, the general tone of your posts certainly infers that DILs who have a difficult relationship with their MIL are often the unreasonable one. The whole tone of your most recent post is actually quite unkind, certainly I do not like the sarcasm as I think it is uncalled for. I have genuinely tried to help by pointing out some of the ways I think you could help yourself to have a much happier MN experience than you seem to be having right now. However, maybe you rather like being the focus of everybodies ire, you certainly appear to be almost rejoicing in the insults you are receiving. You have even repeated the insult to Porcupine re her academis success. For that reason, I am going to step back from further discussion with you.

Good luck, I have a feeling you are going to need it!

Porcupine,

Am so sorry to hear about your loss.

Take care of yourself.

NanaNina, the less said about you the better.

So sorry Porcupine, I've been there myself so know how you feel.

Take care x

Porcupine, so sorry for your loss. Have been there too and my thoughts are with you. xxx

I doubt that anyone will read this as the thread seems to have expired. However I don't like "unfinished business" so here goes.

Sayithowitis: Yes I know my last post to you was unkind and sarcastic. I rarely (if ever) resort to sarcasm in RL but tbh I just felt that my attempts to being honest and authentic were falling on stoney ground. I also found the tone of your posts a little "preachy" and somehwat patronising. I am sure that you didn't intend this but these posts (like e mails) without voice intonation and facial expressions can I think come across in ways that are not intended.

I was astonished at Porcupine's comment about pat. GPs being "wierd" for wanting to be close to their GC and I see that she is still defending her view, and her comment as "innocous." I don't think anyone who can say this will begin to understand how hurtful this is until they are a pat GP with a dil with the same viewpoint.

Cocopew: No I don't trawl back to see if anyone has said anything bad about MILS - I just happened to remember one comment you made. However I am certainly not alone in referring to another thread as several people on here have done the same to me.

Gettingagrip - Yes I confess to a little trawl and discovered that you have had very bad experiences surrounded by all these relatives with NPD and that must have left it's mark on you. I note that your accusations against were some of the charactristics of the NPD person. It seems that you see if where it isn't and I suppose that is understandable in your situation. However I can assure you that I don't have NPD.

Porcupine: Your original comment struck at something deep inside me - as a MIL and paternal grandmother who would die for her grandchildren, I could barely believe that anyone would think this "wierd." I know your own mother died before she could see her grandchildren and I'm sure this must have some bearing on how you feel. I didn't realise this at the time but I think it would probably have struck me the same way. As I said earlier I don't think you willunderstand my feelings unless you are ever in that position yourself and I sincerely hope you are not.

As for your academic qualifications - if you believe in yourself and are secure about who you are - does it really matter what a perfect stranger thinks. I would have thought not. Re the difference between lies and exaggeration - I am not going to explain the difference again, it's just too tedious.

I started out on this thread feeling very sorry for some dils with difficult mils and still do even though I have been accused of wanting to "defen mils at any cost" and all sortsof other things. I think there has been a big distortion as I have alwasy tried to see both sides of this often fraught relationship.

I think if I had not "outed" myself as a MIL I would not have come in for so much flak. I think that if a dil is having a bad time with a mil, any attempt to try to shed a littlelight on what might be going on in the r/ship, or on the mils postion from ANOTHER Mil is not something that will be tolerated on MN. I have tried to do this in some posts and have never received a response and assume from that silence that dils who dislike their mils are not interested in considering the r/ship from a slightly different angle. That I find very sad but I have come to believe that is the case.

A final word Porcupine - yes your child is ALL yours - but only for now. This will not always be the case - he/she willgrow away from you over time and will in all probability eventually leave you for a partner. I know you won't think of it now - I never did when my babies were small - but it is amazing how quickly it rolls round.

Sayithowitis - Thank you for wishing me luck and no I won't need it. I am a woman with a fulfilled life both personally and professionally though had had my share of heartache over the years but with the help of a loved and loving family, and wonderful women friends I have come through. I hope all of you will too.

NanaNina

I've got real problems with my mil - not PND related ones, not ones where I have underlying insecurities but the type where I was physically prevented from breastfeeding, where when I started word to get some more money for our family she decided that my ds should be taken abroad to stay with her without me at 15 months old - I was not asked - she told my 'd'h to do it and he tried - did not succeed. They type where my husband then attempted to bully me very very badly and threatened me with my life and she asked me 'to again just let her know what I'd done as I obviously deserved it'.

Some of us pesky dils have a genuinely hard time.

I agree totally, WannaBe. I am a mum, also a recent MIL and grandma. I am disabled and my son used to help me with things like weeding the garden but now DIL resents any time he spends with me so he's stopped. She comes from a very large family with lots of kids who she spends a lot of time with. My mum died when I was young and I had a very uninvolved MIL, despite my best efforts for my kids to see her. I have a very small family who I can't often see due to their work commitments, old age or distance. I am invited to see my grandchild around every 10 days and the only times we are all together as a family is on special occasions, eg Christmas or birthday meals. I have always liked taking photos of these as they are few and far between but DIL, and now my son, has shown extreme disapproval of this. I only have 2 lots of pictures of the baby in 7 months and one of them was the day of the birth. They had some professional shots done recently and I asked my son and DIL if they could put some on a disc for me but she says it's up to her and my son who sees them, nobody else. There are many more examples of her wanting to take control but the bottom line is that it's her family now and it's up to them what happens. There's no open toxicity as I have seen described in other people's posts but it certainly seems to be a control thing. x

I lost my dad in my early twenties - he died suddenly and unexpectedly. I was then expected to care for my mum, to whom I was not close, who had alzheimers. Around the same time my dd1 went off the rails big time, had a baby at 14, then another. I was asked by ss to take on care of both children which I happily did.

I still have cut off contact with my mil who showed me no sympathy or understanding during all this time. Horribly hard on my dh, but I could not live with the snide remarks and mistreatment of my younger children through her casual cruelties. They did visit her as grown ups, but they have now chosen not to go any more because of the way they are spoken to. If she wants to see them, well she knows where they live. It is funny how history has repeated itself.

I can see both sides in this, I really can. But sometimes for your own sanity you have to move on and cut contact because it affects your whole family and is damaging to your children.

Porcupine

I am so sorry to read about what you are going through! Sending you a big hug! Be strong xxx

Sorry for posting in bits and bobs but very busy today so can only hop on here and there.

nananina, you have upset me so many times with your comments. I find that you sometimes choose to ignore the situation and what OPs are really asking and turn the thread into an OP (DIL) bashing. You are very quick with the insults but yet instead of apologising honestly, you make pathetic excuses.

We have had a run in on my own MIL thread in the past where I have found u to be quite immature to be honest. But today you have provided some valuable insight into an MIL's thought process which I find interesting. And actually Thank you! This has helped me see things a bit clearer with my own MIL.

• you whole comment about how some MIL have their mothering senses reawaken when the GC is born and how they want to relive it and sometimes confuses the GC with their own DC is very interesting. That would explain y my own MIL has turned into a complete bitch since my first DD was born. She always wanted a daughter coupled with the fact she had a hysterectomy a few months after DD was born might explain her nasty behaviour. I always wondered y she has made no effort to be part of our family and only want to see DDs on her own alone. The way she demands that I am not there when her royal highness decides to visit makes sense. She want to play mummy and not GM!

• I think you also need to read people's post properly before you start making personal accusations. There is no need for that. It's actually stooping quite low. I understand that as an MIL u feel the need to stick up for your kind but you sometimes go off on a tangent and it's always laden with sarcasm and unnecessary insults.

• you are now starting to remind me of my own MIL. You never accepts responsibility for the crap that comes out of ur mouth. There's always a pathetic excuses. You attack unnecessary (beautifully I might add! Your words are quite sharp! And designed to hurt). I am now starting to see your post as patronising and narcsistic.

• I do wander if u always make these patronising comments here on the web where u have time to think and deliberate before posting and yet comes out with such nastiness what u must be really like if someone disagrees with u in RL? May be that's y ur relationship with ur DIL is 'tricky'. Maybe she doesn't like ur attitude and how patronising u can be. I wonder if we were to hear her side of it all what it must be like. You don't like it when someone disagrees with u at all!!! Don't paint urself to be a saintly MIL.

This thread is from 7 years ago!

Hahahhaha! So it is! Someone resurected it yesterday and I didn't look at the date! Just shows nananina hasn't changed in 7 years! Lol!