All these Mother-in-Law postings

[Extended]

When I read all these Mother-in-Law postings it makes me sad. Not that I doubt the sincerity of what people write but because I think they don?t appreciate what it is like for young couples when there is no parental support available.

In the three years we were at university, this was prior to getting married, we lost all four parents (two in a motorway crash, one in a accident on the farm and one with cancer). Quite a lot to cope with in your late teens and early 20?s!

Try having no parents at your wedding, no grandparents for your children and no sources of emotional support available 24/7.

The loss of our parents was life changing for both of us so just remember that in the vast majority of cases any parent is better than none.

I think alot of ppl come on here to have abit of a moan and other posters 'fuel' it so you end up with a thread 80 pages long which ends up being a 'who has he worst MIL' and very little to do with the original poster.

So what starts as a 'my PIL wants to look after DS on their own and im not sure about this' ends up being 'I do have really controlling PIL who will stop at nothing to take over and undermine me' by the end of the thread.

Also I think alot of ppl have truly toxic PIL and sometimes they give their perpective on MIL threads which really have nothing to do with their situation. For example you might get a 'my MIL gives my DS sweets' type thread and you get ppl giving their experiences of their terrible toxic PIL which is sometimes irrelavant to the thread.

I agree Pinkglow. I have tried to make the point on other posts that if someone complains about their MIL, others with a difficult r/ship with THEIR MIL will jump in and support the original complainant up to the hilt, without it seems thinking about the issue and whether the DIL'S complaint is reasonable or not. SO I suspect the original complainant gets more "fuelled up" than s necessary and the whole thing gets blown out of proportion. I have seen comments like "of course she blames you, she's your MIL!" and "What more can you expect of a MIL " and even recently "MILS have a tendency to read the Daily Mail"..........excuse me.......where is the evidence for this!?

I think it is good that people can let off steam here and if this prevents them from rowing with MILS then that can only be good but I think there is a downside as outlined above.

I think it is unfair to stereoptype MILS in this way. Also I think it worth remembering that MILS are also people in their own right and are also mothers, grandmothers, wives,partners, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends etc and above all they are human with all the human frailities that we all possess to a greater or lesser extent.

Incidentally am I the only MIL on here. If not it would be lovely to hear from others! I could do with some support too!

NanaNina - I totally agree with what you have said above.

An excellent post NanaNina, I hate the stereotyping which leads to people saying 'poor you' to my SIL when she says her MIL is visiting-despite the fact that SIL invited her because she enjoys her company! It would seem that you are on to a loser if you are the parent of a DS, and somehow all the 'good' parents have DDs!

You are thrown together with people that you wouldn't choose, since you all love the same man you really need to expect to make an effort on both sides.
I was very impressed with an article in the Times about the relationship here It was a woman whose French husband died suddenly when her baby was less than a month old. She stayed in France and had lots of difficulty with the ILs but they all worked it and 4 yrs later when she went back to England they had an excellent relationship. I would agree that some people, sadly, have toxic MIL and nothing will improve things but very often DIL could try harder over simple things. The story of the MIL knitting and the DIL rejecting it is a prime example-it would have been so easy to make the MIL happy with no cost to DIL (and DIL would still have done it her own way).
I have 2 SIL, one was easy to befriend-we get on easily, the other wasn't my usual sort of friend but after 15yrs we have become friends-only because we made the effort.

weegiemum - you have gone very quiet as you did on the original thread when I tried to put a different slant on your dilemma. Maybe you are only interested in posts that re-inforce your own view about your MIL. I think it a shame if you are not prepared to consider things from a different angle.

You mentioned that I seem to want to protect all MILS at any cost (or something like that) which demonstrates I think your capacity to distort the facts. I wonder whether there is an issue about distortion in your original complaint. I have tried in all posts about MILS and DILS to see both sides of this age old problem and I think this has been recognised by others.

I won't post again as I think I am (as you mentioned )getting a bit too personal here. I just felt that your post "Think we might have fallen out with MIL!" sounded a touch gleeful. I may be wrong but that's the way it struck me. I also wonder whether you have more invested in "keeping the pot boiling" over the incident with your MIL than you have in finding some resolution.

A final thought - luckily you have a good DH -SO your MIL did something right then!

Reading this set of threads has been so interesting. Some people have wonderful in-laws that help out, care about their grandkids and about their son/daughter-in-laws. Others have MIL's that are vindictive and seem to want to cause trouble within the marriage/relationship. Some DIL's seem to have unrealistic expectations of their in-laws, other DIL's are considered as an unwelcome interference that is to be irradicated.
I can understand that some feel upset by the negative comments about MIL's, however, some feel a real need to vent their frustration to someone outside their relationship, (Anyone read Second Wives Club??) So, why not have a whole bold-headed section for in-law trouble, then anyone who needs to vent can, but those who don't want to read it don't need to click that heading? Can someone at Mumsnet set this up please??
Oh, PS, for Christmas, the year after we got maried, my mil bought me, "Don't Marry Her F*c# Me!" (That was in the early days when she was being nice -x- )

What people need to realise is that some MIL are really awful. It's not just visiting when I don't want her to type of stuff. Though, in my expperience this can be just the beginning. I presume my MIL has Narcisstic Personality Disorder, she is an extremely dysfunctional woman. It doesn't always start with Grandchildren arriving.

She carries on like DH and her have a wonderful relationship and I'm the cow who took him awy, this is not true. DH always stayed away from home, was rude to her and has always backed me up.

When we started going out she actually came to see me to find out my religion (we live in N.I),she thought she had some kind of ownership over me because I was going out with her son.

FIL (they have since divorced)was decorating for us while we were on holiday. Arriving home my flat was completely differnt, she had rearranged all the furniture; the hotpress, I'd left delicate clothes drying over the bath, she stuck them in he machine and shrunk them. Everything was moved, in cupboards, my make up ^everything. She had gone through my personal papers (I owned the flat), and threw away anything she wanted. Had moved my record collection, worth a bit of money on to hot pipes so it melted, Jesus the list is endless.

DH phoned her and gave off, she laughed so I went up to see her. As we went inthe door she laughed and said "ohhhhh are you cross?2 in a tee-hee voice. I went mad andtore strips of her. DH said I was the first person ever to stand up to her.

This was 15 years ago and she's done so much more.

She was sectioned a few years ago, I was the person who ran aroubd helping. Funnily enough her 'episodes' now conincide with something important happeniing in our life eg holiday, me going into hospital for an op. She phoned DH when I was in hospital saying manic things and saying he needed to come across. He refused and she stopped with the act and said she hoped I died on the operating table.

So maybe people are posting anti MIL things for a reason, this post is the longest I've ever done and it's only the tip of the iceberg. I can't go into detais about my MIL evertime I post on a MIL thread but that doesn't mean I don't have good reason to try to give advice.

Sorry about typos but my arms sore and I'm of to watch telly.

Good grief. Why oh why is it so hard to understand that SOME MIL's are horrors who are dominating control-freaks and SOME MIL's are lovely women who want the best for their DGC.

Why the heck does there have to be a "one size fits all" MIL?

It seems to me that those with nice MILs cannot understand that others are not so lucky. And those with awful MILs sometimes enjoy sharing the misery with other like-minded DILs.

So fecking what.

I completely agree with PawsandClaws. Some MiLs are fantastic and at the other end of the spectrum there are absolute horrors.

Mine is sadly at the horrific end of the spectrum. I have worked very hard with her for many, many years, but she continues to hate me because I have "taken her son off her". Nothing I ever do is right and believe me I have tried. She has tried many times to turn my husband against me and celebrates the divorces of her sons as they 'come back into the fold'. Now isn't that horrific?

In my case, it really is that simple. Wish I had a wonderful MiL, but I don't. Wish I had her help with my four sons, but I don't. Wish she could see that there is room for both of us in her son's life, but she doesn't. Wish I had a lovely MiL, but I don't.

I've learned, at last, to live with it. I've learned a lot from her and will never make the same mistakes with my own children.

I can only reiterate what I wrote earlier in this discussion:-

"I think if a person is reasonable and healthy emotionally functioning anyway then there will be far fewer difficulties. It is when a person who is at heart dysfunctional and not healthy emotionally that problems can and do arise within families not just to say the MIL/DIL relationship".

People who are toxic are not at all open to any sort of reasoned argument, take any responsibility for their own actions (my FIL is a case in point here as his only main concern in life is him) or apologise for their actions. They are also more than likely to give you a long list of your own supposed shortcomings.

I agree with the last couple of posts and especially with yours Attila, my ILs see no reason why they should apologise for anything and it's always someone else's fault (like mine!)

I used to "hide" what the ILs have done and said to me from my parents, but now I don't. But I have to explain in great detail the way my ILs 'tick' and why they treat people the way they do, because my parents have no concept why any parent would screw up a son/daughter's marriage, like my ILs have with mine. If I'm honest, if I'd known 16 years ago what I'd have to put up with from my ILs, along with DH defending them (he actually told me 2 years ago that, "husbands and wives don't stick up for each other if it's going to upset family"), I wouldn't have married DH. That's the damage that bad ILs can do to a marriage.

My I-Ls are the main reason I left my NPD-exH. They are NPD too, and after 23 years with my exH I had had enough.

All I had to look forward to in my life was looking after nasty elderly PILs and an equally insane elderly Aunt-IL, and a miserable and nasty ex-H....all of whom had made my life a living Hell for all those years.

I also have my own elderly NPD-Mother to care for, and teenagers of my own....

If that makes me a selfish DIL well so be it.

One of the problems with these dreadful MILs is that they have no-one to stop them in their behaviour as their own parents who may have kept a lid on their dreadful carry-on are now gone, and they are now top dog as they see it. Also, it is easy to bully a DIL who has just given birth to her first child and is maybe feeling unsure of herself and vulnerable. And if her H is used to being useless in standing up to his controlling parents, its difficult for him to adjust.

IMVHO DHs not standing up to their parents causes alot of damage in a marriage.

For what its worth.

I started this thread not having any idea where it would lead. I still think DH and I were particularly unlucky in losing all four parents in our late teens and early 20's.

MIL's and FIL's come in all shapes and sizes and range from the brilliant to the toxic but I think only a tiny minority of folk could say that the nett effect of their 4 in-laws taken together was not better than the situation we faced - particularly given our age.

PS It is more than slightly strange to walk past your Mum and Dad's graves on your wedding day when going from the wedding car to the church. Think about it.

Nobody has denied that what happened to you was awful and tragic.

BUT if my MIL died tomorrow I wouldn't grieve nor go to her funeral. The vast majority of people do have a fine family life with all the parents, but the people who post about ILs on here don't. They aren't moaning for the sake of it.

ILs can, and do, ruin familes.

My father left when I was three, never to be seen again, and my mum died when I was 27, 12 months before I got married and 18 months before I had my baby. The day after my wedding, I went to the cemetery to lay my wedding bouquet on her grave, so I know where you are coming from, OP.

I get extremely angry and sad when people complain about their own mothers, for example during our NCT classes, the teacher asked everyone to name something our parents had done in raising us that we thought was wrong, and that we wouldn't repeat. I walked out. How could they criticize their parents like this?

However, I do join in the MIL complaints when chatting with my friends (in a pretty lighthearted way), which is hypocritical I know... but MILs are a different matter in my opinion. They assume a strong and deep connection with your baby that they don't have with you, and given that the baby came out of your body, that feels pretty weird. And they do things differently. I think we'd find any other family and the way they do things very weird - but we only get a close look at our in-laws. These feelings of being uncomfortable and thinking the PILs a bit weird makes people hyper-critical.

And from my point of view, I'm so jealous that my own mum can't share the pleasure of my baby and be part of our lives, that deep down I resent the PILs for being able to do this.

Extended

I wonder why you think that this is a competition? You are winning because you lost all four of your parents when you were both young.

That is indeed tragic. For you....

Everyone who has posted in reply to you has said how sorry they are about that.

I think that had I had different parents and different ILs, then I would have been very sad at their loss at such a young age.

However....several of the posters had what I had, which is totally insane and abusive parents and ILs, who have without doubt ruined my life, and that of my children.

Those posters who had/have terrible ILs have expressed empathy towards you in your sad situation. You seem to be denying that those posters have any right to post about their situations because you consider your situation to be worse than theirs.

Many people with abusive parents and ILs would dance on their graves should they die.

That takes NOTHING away from your loss, but that is just the way it is.

You are quite correct it is not a competition. I know I have a lot to be grateful for, happy marriage, no health problems, no money worries and so on.

But in the context of Parents-in-Law the hand I got dealt was just about as bad it gets and that is why I found some of the fairly minor niggles about the same topic posted on this site rather upsetting.

Hence the thread I started.

I agree with gettingagrip.

I don't think you are taking on board the misery some people suffer with ILS. You say the hand you got dealt was as bad as it gets in regards to ILs, yet there are numerous posts on here telling terible stories that have ruined lives. I'm sure there are a lot of people who wish they still had people with them who have died, me included.

As I've already said, I'd rather my MIL was dead. That's how awful she is.

Although I have every sympathy for your situation Extended, the knowledge there is someone worse off only makes your own burden temporarily easier to bear. It can't eradicate the problem all together and in fact adds a guilt factor.

Everything is relative - ie, those who have lost jobs and homes in the recession - at least they are not starving like some people in the world, etc, doesn't stop them worrying about where to live and what to do in real terms.

'They assume a strong and deep connection with your baby that they don't have with you, and given that the baby came out of your body, that feels pretty weird.'

I can see that it is difficult not too feel a bit resentful if your own mother isn't around, but it isn't the ILs fault and although the baby came out of your body it may well turn out to be a carbon copy of MIL in looks and/or character so it isn't suprising that they have a deep connection with their grandchild. My father's mother died before I was born, but I can see from photos that I look more like her than my own mother. My brother is just like my maternal grandfather in character.I can see different family members in my own DC. The baby is part of a wider family, no one can say which genes they will have-they are not exclusively yours. You may hate your MIL but your DD may love her. Families are very complex-you have to accept that they all have an influence, nature, even if you don't let them nurture (unless your DH was adopted).

Extended, I'm sorry for your loss.
I truly believe that people post their stories on MN because it is a "safe" environment to do so. We can be guaranteed support if the situation warrants it and a very definite "get a grip" if we're being a bit precious! It's much better to vent on here than it is to open up a rift IRL.
There are some truly awful in-laws out there. I find my PIL very difficult to tolerate, not so much because of their behaviour towards me (which has been dreadful at times), but because of how they treat my DH - their own son.
My MIL is mentally ill and has been for years. It's like a great big pink elephant in the room that everyone ignores and no-one dares mention. FIL has spent his entire adult life placating MIL and pandering to her every whim. They refuse to acknowledge my dh's successes, or even say they are proud of what he has achieved. They make constant snide comments about how we live our lives and what we spend our money on but are quick enough to ask us to fund one madcap scheme after another. DH is trapped in the cycle of appeasing his parents and "not rocking the boat" but it is tremendously damaging and painful for him.
So I suppose that I am a bitchy DIL but my resentment comes from the love I have for my DH.

I think it is good that there is a safe environment on MN, and I expect it fills a need-however as a mother of DSs it fills me with dread! Luckily in RL I come across more positive role models.

Porcupine11 - I am staggered at your comment that MILS "assume a close bond with your baby even though not with you and as the baby came out of your body that's a bit wierd" (or words to that affect). Yes of course the baby came out of your body BUT how did the baby get in there in the first place. Hmmm ...... I wonder if a man was involved in the process! Are you suggesting that the mother of the baby is more important than the father? Why should the MIL not feel this close connection with a grandchild - he or she is the child of her son and has 50% of her son's genes. Piscesmoon - agree with all you say. You are the voice of reason and I sincerely hope you get nice DILS because you deserve them.

Since reading this (and as a MIL and doting grandmother it made me quite cross) I do wonder if other DILS feel that the MIL has no right to a close connection with the GC because there is a lack of this connection between the 2 of them..........maybe this is another source of tension. It really does strike me as unfair though - a relationship is a 2 way process and if for whatever reason there is not a good connection between a MIL and a DIL, why the DIL should think it wierd that the MIL feels a close connection with her GC is beyond me. Do you think Porcupine that your own mother (or any other woman's mother) has more of a right to feel that closness with a grandchild than a MIL. If you have sons, I would ponder on this one.

As a grandmother I feel an enormous connection with my grandchildren and experience the same sort of "agony and ectacy" as I did with my own children albeit at a greater distance. Fortunately I have 2 amazingly lovely DILS and 1 who is a little tricky at times, but all are very generous about letting me spend time with and enjoy my grandchildren (even though they came out of their bodies!)

I think Nananina, that it must be a bit galling if a MIL has never bothered much with a DIL or has actively tried to displace, embarrass or upset her, that she is then all over the new baby as though the DIL was just a breeding mare.

It all depends on the personalities of the MILs and DILs in question though. However, it is possible that some MILs would actively delight in swooning over the baby whilst subtley edging DIL out of the picture, by not asking her how DIL is or taking an interest in DIL's stories or contributions about the baby's latest developments etc.