All these Mother-in-Law postings

[Extended]

When I read all these Mother-in-Law postings it makes me sad. Not that I doubt the sincerity of what people write but because I think they don?t appreciate what it is like for young couples when there is no parental support available.

In the three years we were at university, this was prior to getting married, we lost all four parents (two in a motorway crash, one in a accident on the farm and one with cancer). Quite a lot to cope with in your late teens and early 20?s!

Try having no parents at your wedding, no grandparents for your children and no sources of emotional support available 24/7.

The loss of our parents was life changing for both of us so just remember that in the vast majority of cases any parent is better than none.

I think porcupine's 'tremendous academic success' has touched a nerve with NanaNina!

THANK YOU sayithowitis - feel the need for a bit of support right now! I do have a reputation for being a little too outspoken at times and as someone else said, it is easy when you are anonymous. I will however take more care in future.

Stayfrostyothersister - wow what a character assassination! good job I won't take it to heart, as I actually believe your comments say more about you than they do about me. I have actually had many many comments on here thanking me for my posts and saying how helpful they have been but I am not going to try to convince you of anything.

But that doesn't make any sense because I stated exact grades and my exact degree and university - it isn't open to misinterpretation.

If I'd said 'top grade GCSEs and A-levels, plus a degree from a top-flight university' and I'd actually meant B grades and a degree from a non-redbrick institution, then I might be accused of exaggeration.

How, in your opinion, did my statement make my academic career sound greater than it actually is?

And to ask 'did i touch a nerve' when I defended myself about lying is also mean-spirited. I didn't say 'ooooh did I touch a nerve' when you complained about my observation that MILs can't be 100% sure of a child's parentage (which, as you have chosen to ignore, was in the context of an evolutionary biological argument, and is therefore basically talking about 'cavemen').

NanaNina I really don't see why you feel the need to stick up for MILs. We all have acknowledged that there are MILs who are great, but that's not what the threads are about. It's for the hideous women who make peoples lives a misery, why stick up for them? All you are doing is blaming either the DIL or her parents.

Thats v tragic for you and your partner Extended. I'm lucky to have my mum still alive and my dh's mum and step dad both well too. They all live v far away though and as a result when my mil comes to visit it is for at least 2 weeks at a time. Although she is v kind and i like her a lot, 2 weeks in her company gets a bit intense. She also comes from a different culture and is not comfortable with silence at all. Although I'm glad to see her come, I'm always v drained and glad when she leaves too. She tries to visit at least twice/3 times a year.
My mum is just across the sea so I can nip back and forwards to see her often with just the kids. When she comes over it is just for weekends now and then. In any case I think having parents in your home for long periods of time puts a huge strain on your relationship.
Saying all that our 3rd child is now on the way and we often feel v isolated and would much prefer a network of family around for our kids too.
I have 2 boys and often wonder what kind of a mil I'll be if I get the chance. For some reason its tricky to get the mother/daughter in law relationship right me thinks.

What I actually said was I WONDERED if your academic success was a trifle exaggerated - nothing more and nothing less. It was not my opinion that your academic success sounded greater than it actually was, I merely wondered if this could be the case. To be very frank I don't know or care whether you were exaggerating or not, and I suppose I was just still feeling a bit off with you when I made that comment.

I then reacted to being accused of saying you were lying when this was not the case. Any yes of course you "touched a nerve" when you said that MILS can't be 100% sure of the identity of a child's father. This is what this is all about isn;t it - getting cross when "nerves are touched" I find your comment that it was "in the context of an evolutionary biologal argument and is therefore basically talking about cavemen" very odd. That kind of comment standing alone and quoted out of any kind of context is odd in my view. But there we are you and I are never going to agree so shall we agree to differ. It is all getting a bit tedious isn't it.

Uriel - your comment about the possibility of Porcupine's academic success touching a nerve with me made me laugh - not sure if it was meant to but it did! And just in case anyone is still interested I am always glad for anyone's academic success - my comment was nothing more than an attempt at point scoring because I was cross. Not that I'm proud of that but there you have it. I'm honest if nothing else!

NanaNina

Well this thread has made me laugh out loud!

And boy...did I need a laugh!

Basically , Nina, the way I see it is this....

You get to post whatever you like about anyone...people then pitch in with their opinions...some of these people have the most terrible experiences with their parents and their ILs, which may go some way to explain why some MILs have a reputation.

You don't listen to any of them....and indeed become personally abusive to some posters who are getting the better of you....

I did ask you earlier if you thought it was a competition, and you said no! But it is a competition for you! If you can't win by fair means you resort to insults!

And then....irony of ironies....you morph into the kind of person who those who can't do with their MILs are complaining about all along!

Hilarious!

Thankyou so much for making my day!

xxx

I have to say the main benefit of MIL postings has been for me to get a persepctive on my own MIL - previously I thought her utterly beyond the pale (pail?). Now her antics seem reasoned and sane in comparison to other people's MILs.
Yes I would be unhappy if she died - though just for my husband being left alone in the world. And because we'd have to sort out her nightmare of a house.

the comment about paternity of children made me smile - esp after having MIL question DD's parentage in front of me and DH!! (she was assuring DD that even if DH wasn't her father, she'd still love her )

The poem by Kahlil Gibran is a beautiful one, and as KB is more of a mystical believer I still it find it comprehensible without theistic belief - though yes my DC's are mine mine mine too! i interpret his 'He' as being more an imagined destiny/lifeforce than a theistic God.

I love the poem. I can quite understand all the analogy with Christianity, but I don't choose to see it that way. You can read all sorts of thing into 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,' but I don't. The central message is excellent. There are too many parents who think that not only can they control their DCs actions, but that they can control their thoughts. You may give birth to someone who shares your own beliefs but you may have someone completely alien to you. You mother the DC you get-not the one you wanted! As a parent you have to be prepared for the fact that your DC may choose a life long partner who is not on your wavelength, but you have to keep quiet and make the best of it. The new DIL also has to be prepared for the fact that she doesn't care for DHs family, but she also needs to make the best of it.

ah well, whenever i see DD putting her crayons carefully point-up in the box, then placing them in the drawer...I know that she's her fathers daughter, and no amount of messy vibe from me will bring that round...

we could just post some more of the prophe really.....

i thought about it lots whilst at home with my first, it felt like a whole new journey...

Gettingagrip - coo......... and I am the one that's supposed to be rude on here.This is the 2nd character assassination I have received in one day - and yet I am asked to learn some MN etiquette! You say I "post what I like about anyone" - isn't that what everyone does. Your accusation that I am "personally abusive" can you evidence that please as I do not believe that this is the case. I think you are getting me confused withsomeone else - I certainly don't recall you asking me about competitiveness or responding to you on that issue.

Think you may need to "get a grip" and I would be interested to know how you can evidence the accusations that you have made against me.

Mind - glad to have made you laugh.

NanaNina,

I am shocked to see that whenever you say sorry, you seem to throw another insult in.

You do seem to hide behind the 'Well, I was cross/upset' but that is not a valid excuse I am afraid, in my opinion that is just a cop out.

Just because YOU are upset, doesn't give you the right to upset someone else and I feel you are not very considerate.

I remember in another thread you told me to to a chill pill (no idea why), you seem to be able to be very harsh for no reason whatsoever and later apologising for your behaviour, is an apology supposed to make it right?

Can you see that this kind of behaviour may actually cause the difficult relationship with your DIL? I am not saying that this could be the reason, I just suspect that you don't seem to realise that you can be very tactless and that it may upset people.

NanaNina......are you Alastair Campbell?

I only ask because he was quite good at this sort of thing.

'This sort if thing' being causing a ruckus about a topic which is loosely connected to the original topic, but serves to take the focus off the original topic, because people are getting too close to the truth with that one.

He used this methodology very effectively many times.

Thing is, Nina, many of us on here have seen this sort of manipulation often enough to recognise it for what it is.

Many of us see this exact behaviour in our MILs!!

Oh Dear!

NanaNina, I don't think you have been the subject of a character assassination at all, just some posters have taken issue with the things you have said on here and have pointed out, quite bluntly, that it is not just a one-way street when it comes to making snippy comments. And I have to say, I do think some of your comments have been at least 'snippy', if not just plain nasty!

You have said that one of your DILs sometimes makes hurtful comments. Can you not see that you, at least on here, are doing exactly the same thing? Just because we are anonymous on here, does not give us carte blanche to be as rude as we like. Yes, be honest, yes, be blunt, but there is no need to be rude or to call into question things like people's education etc. We all know that sometimes, a troll will come on here and make up the most outrageous things to provoke a reaction, and they usually get outed fairly quickly and take some 'stick' for it. But most people here are honest and do not deserve to have their qualifications, education or anything else, called into question. And certainly not in the way you have been doing it.

I hope I am honest when I post. As my name says, I say it how it is, or at least, as I see it. But I try not to be rude. I am the same in RL, but I try to be tactful, indeed, my job requires me to be honest but in a tactful way. The reason I am anonymous on here, as, I would guess are most other people, is to allow me to talk about what can be very personal and private things in my life, which I would not necessarily wish for everyone who knows me in RL to know.

Maybe, when you post, you could try reading it aloud before posting. Imagine how you would feel if somebody said the same thing to you. How would you feel? Maybe imagine your DIL saying it. Would you consider it a hurtful remark? If so, don't post it. And really, an apology is only an apology if it is truly meant and isn't given along with an excuse for doing whatever has caused the apology in the first place.

I hope you don't take this as an attack, it really is a genuine attempt to help you, I always think it is a shame when people are put off posting becasue they haven't always understood the way MN etiquette works.

Sorry for long post.

Hands up who thinks that Nananina's DiL, you know the one she has a difficult relationship with, posts on MN about her whilst she is giving advice in MiL threads. Oh go on, hands up

Sayithowits - No i didn't perceive your last post as an attack at all. However I still think that there has been a big overreaction to ONE offensive comment that I made and for which I was very quick to apologise.

Just to re-cap then, in response to that one comment, the following comments have been made about me:

1.Been called rude x 4 and patronising x 2
2."Your totally uncalled for nastiness"
3.Been accused of saying that someone was lying. This was absolutely NOT the case. In my defence I pointed out the difference between lying and wondering if there was a slight exaggeration. After this my accusers went quiet so I can only assume that they have accepted the difference.
4."you make daft comments"
5.From SFotherS: "routinely administer tickings-off, outrageous personal remarks, boundless self-justification,fake apologies."

1. "plain nasty"
2. "you only blame dils or their parents" (I think this was in relation to my pointing out (as many others on this thread did) that it was unwise for the 2 sets of GPs to criticise each other and that there can be rivalry between the GPs that needs to be kept in check.
3. "very tactless"
4. "you are personally abusive"

10."very harsh for no reason" 11. "Morphing into a MIL of the sort we all complain about" 12 "mean spirited"

There are probably more but I can't be bothered to trawl back any further.

Now call me over sensitive but I reckon that is something of an over reaction. And Yes I absolutely agree that posts should be read back aloud, but not only by me. I think this comment can apply equally to others on here.

When I started posting onthis thread I was appalled by the behaviour of some MILS and tried to think what might be going on for them just below the surface so to speak. However as I pursued the thread I could see that in some cases the r/ship was just too fraught for either side to be able to "give" a little to improve matters. Sad but true.

I actually think now that some DILS just have more invested in thinking ill of not only their MILS but ALL MILS and so get angry at any attempt to try to shed any light on this fraught relationship. I suspect this is why people are getting so annoyed with me. However I am sure that if MILS did post on here (and I have yet to see one but been told I am not the only one)the same thing would be apparent.

Finally I'm really sorry to disappoint my antagonists but I actually do NOT have a "difficult" relationship with one of my 3 DILS. It is interesting that this is being said as I have never described it in that way, merely that it is a little tricky. She can make hurtful comments occasionally which I ignore but she has many many positive personal qualities and makes my son very happy so what mother could ask for more. My other 2 DILs also notice the occasional hurtful comments and urge me to take DIl no 3 "up on this" but believe it or not, I choose not to - the stakes are too high and it is not really a big problem.

There does seem to be a tendency for matters to be distorted on this thread, to fit in with what people want or need to believe.

Gettingagrip - am still waiting for you to revidence the comments that you made about me?

Hope the "Hands Up" campaign takes off to keep you MIL hates amused!

Getting a grip - should read "evidence" not "revidence"
And last line should rad MIL Haters!

God, you're mad as a spoon.

Glad I'm not your DIL.

Or am I?

My mil (sort of, we arent married) hates me, she doesn't even try to pretend anymore.

She just walks in and out of our house as she sees fit.

She doesn't acknowledge me most of the time, talks about me as if I'm not actually there.

Made unpleasant comments about my children and I to someone who didn't know any of us, but who became a very good friend when we bought the house next door to him
I had phoned my OH whilst he was at her house to ask him to meet me at the hospital because one of the kids was in A&E, she commented as he was leaving that 'he was running off to his ready made family'.

Only calmed down about us being together when she realsied that we would not be having children of our own, due to my hysterectomy.

She is vile about my parents, my mum had surgery for a detached retina, MIL couldn't understand why she wasn't back at work after a week off. (isnt your mum lingering a bit)

She is permenently at the doctors for one ailment or the other, yet if my kids or I are ill has no sympathy or patience, has been heard to tell OH that I'm always ill and must be sickly

She retired from her job to spend 3 months in India with my OH whilst he was working over there, which meant I wasn't able to get over again before his contract finished. Fortunately, OH put his foot down and only let her stay for 5 weeks. i still wasn't able to get over there again though

My OH is lovely, but feels unable to say anything to her because she has mental health issues, he didn't live with her for years after her and his dad divorced due to her mental state. She uses this as an excuse to get away with the most horrible things imo. (the years apart, not the mental health issues)

She used to beat him so severely when he was little that the school actually phoned SS twice. Yet he still defends her and runs around after her. I am never sure if he is still frightened of her or just suffers from the most horrendous guilt. He once said to me that he felt as though he had abandoned her, he was 12 years old ffs.

I have very little patience with her, she will never change, I have come close to leaving my OH in the past because of her attitude in part.

I have two sons, I have always tried to be nice to their girlfriends, even if I don't really like them, they are my sons choices, not mine. My sons are quite sensible, and are capable of finding the right girls for them.

At one stage, I used to despair about my relationship with MIL, now I just shrug my shoulders. Whenever we are at family things, everyone comments on how strange she is towards me

But NanaNina, whilst you apologised for the 'intellectually challenged' comment, you immediately followed up with the comment about porcupine having exaggerated her academc success. There was no need for you to do that. If you had just apologised and left it at that, I am sure that most of the posters would have accepted the apology and moved on. It was the fact that you are always offering reasons/excuses for the comments you make, that has ensured this has carried on. Sadly, in a way, you have given them ammunition re MILs!

I am also not sure that you have fully taken on board that whilst some of the things you read here appear to an outsider to be very trivial, it may well be that one very small thing is the final straw in a long line of events. people tend to post on here when they have reached the end of their tether and I don't think it is for us to judge whether they are reasonable or not. Often, they are just looking for an outlet for their hurt and anger. Sometimes they are looking for support from others who have been through similar. But unless you have been through it from their POV, it is difficult, sometimes to understand why a small thing can cause so much upset.

I would love to have a good relationship with my MIL, well, any relationship really. She has always made it abundantly clear that I am not good enough for her son. She predicted our marriage would last less than a year. We have been married over 27 years. She still does not accept me. She also chooses to have a non-relationship with our children. When they were little we had to beg her to see them and spend time with them. She has never, not even once, looked after them. She even refused to have DS1 on the day that DS2 was born because she wanted to go shopping. She told mu DH to get a neighbour or someone to have him! After 27 years of marriage, and over 30 years together, I resent being told by people who don't know me, that because I am the DIL, it is almost entirely my fault that the MIL/DIL relationship has failed. It is only in the last year or so that I have decided to stop even trying. And, I might add, that was despite my DH telling me years ago that whatever I did would never make a difference to my MIL's opinion of me.

I am sure that most of us do recognise that it is not always the MILs fault. But sometimes it is. And for those who have that kind of MIL, to come on here and be told by strangers that it is them who are unreasonable, is very hurtful.

Maybe you should avoid this topic since it is causing so much upset to you and to others?