All these Mother-in-Law postings

[Extended]

When I read all these Mother-in-Law postings it makes me sad. Not that I doubt the sincerity of what people write but because I think they don?t appreciate what it is like for young couples when there is no parental support available.

In the three years we were at university, this was prior to getting married, we lost all four parents (two in a motorway crash, one in a accident on the farm and one with cancer). Quite a lot to cope with in your late teens and early 20?s!

Try having no parents at your wedding, no grandparents for your children and no sources of emotional support available 24/7.

The loss of our parents was life changing for both of us so just remember that in the vast majority of cases any parent is better than none.

"Intellectually limited". How patronising, be careful or you'll give MIL a bad name for being rude.

"There are lots of these women about! Parenting is a process of gradually letting go, and respecting personal space."

I completely agree with this sentiment. IME a lot of DIL-MIL friction arises when the DIL has been brought up by parents who have let go and do respect personal space, and she works on the assumption, early on, that her DH's parents are the same, when they are not.

I read them every day on mumsnet BonsoirAnna!-if they are totally controlling at 7yrs as in 'I can't think why my 7 yr old DS needs time on his own away from his mother' they are going to find it equally difficult that the adult DC has a mind of their own.
I think we are all PFB at some stage, but we have to make a conscious effort to stamp it out-in the interests of our PFB-and his future wife!!!

My POLs offered to give my DP a lot of money towards the purchase of his first apartment with his exW if they bought it in the same street as them . And he had to live at home until he was 25 and earning - they always refused to let him live independently as a student! So lots of control issues here. Fortunately I was forewarned (unlike my sister and her French MIL) and kept them at arm's length from the beginning.

What cocolepew said !!!!!!

"IME a lot of DIL-MIL friction arises when the DIL has been brought up by parents who have let go and do respect personal space, and she works on the assumption, early on, that her DH's parents are the same, when they are not".

You couldn't have described our situation more accurately if you'd tried! My parents have always said they would respect our decisions and let us make our own choices, and they have followed through with that - dh's mum wants to control everything he does and has never liked me because I won't toe the line.

It is very sad, and as the mother of two sons it has taught me soooo much about how not to do things . It causes so much distress to my dh too as he sees the way she treats me and it just means we are very reluctant to spend any time with them. Consequently, my parents will see more of my kids than his do, simply because of the stress in the relationship .

"Intellectually limited" - you do make some sweeping assumptions NanaNina. I'd better ask Oxford University to take back my Masters degree, and while we're at it, the exam boards can retract my 4 As at A-level - all sciences, natch, and my 8 A* at GCSE. Cos I'm a bit fick, innit?

Why do you need to get so personal just because I said some things you disagree with? And that goes for you too piscesmoon, with your statement about my relationship with my DH.

'intellectually limited' is very nasty. Using it as an insult when there are very nice people with learning difficulites about.

ps. The poem you quote is from Gibran's book 'The Prophet' which is described by the publisher as "full of lyrical outpourings that express his deeply religious and mystical nature."

Read also this explanation, and then tell me this poem does not have a religious theme, as I understood on first reading. I find it utterly irrelevant to an atheist.

"In this poem an archer plays a parallelism to God. Likewise, arrows become children and the bow becomes the parent in the lines "You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth" (line 12). Gibran uses this method to express that God does not only love the children which move in the direction of his kingdom; he also loves the ones who were the support behind the children. "Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness; for even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable" (lines 16-18). Like an archer, God bends the bows which are his parents, testing them for stability to aid the arrows as they try to reach their destination. "The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with his might that His arrows may go swift and far" (lines 13-15). Gibran's final message in this parallelism is that parents should not despise the tests God provides in the image of children, for these tests only make God love (the parents) more."

NanaNina, your totally uncalled for nastiness in your response to Porcupine, may explain why you have a 'difficult' DIL as well as what sounds like a somewhat strained relationship with your DSD. Does this sound at all familiar to you: glad to see you apologised but I think you should take more care before posting such judgemental and unkind comments ?

It is hard to sit here and watch people complaining about something they have got when you don't have that thing and wish that you did, it's not always better to have bad parents than none at all.
Just because you have family it doesn't mean you have support.
Since my husband died it is just me and the kids, the in- laws have behaved very very badly throughout my husbands illness death and even at the funeral, that is not just the way I choose to see things it is the view of the many professionals along the way.

Oh dear - I'm afraid I didn't realise how rude and patronising my comment about "intellectual limitation" was and I apologise unreservedly to all who were offended but especially to Porcupine 11. However at the risk of offending you again, I do wonder if your claims of all your academic successes are a trifle exaggerated - not that it matters but there you go.

sayithowitis......"totally uncalled for nastiness" - this sounds a bit rude to me so I'm not the only one who can make mistakes on here! I think you may be confusing me with someone else as I don't have a "difficult" DIL -I have 2 lovely DILS who are in fact the daughters I never had, and one Dil with whom I have to be a bit careful because she can sometimes make hurtful comments, but most of the time it's fine.

You mention I might have a strained r/ship with my DSD - am fairly new to MN so don't know what DSD is! but I'm sure I don't have astrained relationship with him whoever it is.

I think in the way that people'scomments on here sometimes plug into deep feelings, this is what happened here with me. I just got so angry at P11s comments that the MIL did not really have the same right as a maternal grandmother to the grandchildren. As a MIL and pat g/mother to my GC (and I am so lucky that all my DILs are more thanhappy for me to have as much contct with my GC as possible)

MILS are human too you know!

Once again apologies for my earlier comments.

Lol - are you serious? They are not exaggerated at all, and the extent of my success serves to show how daft your original comment was.

Do you think a mother cannot have an academic background? Are intelligence and fertility mutually exclusive?

There is little point in apologising and then immediately calling me a liar. You should learn some MN etiquette.

"I have 2 lovely DILS who are in fact the daughters I never had, and one Dil with whom I have to be a bit careful because she can sometimes make hurtful comments, but most of the time it's fine."

Pot kettle and black spring to mind.

How can you apologise to someone and in the same breath accuse them of lying?

Stayfrostyothersister - re your comment that "I come across as quite rude and patronising when people disagree with you" I won't disagree with the fact thatI have on occasions come across like this and I am really sorry about this because I don't think this is necessary or helpful. I was pretty appalled when I realised what i had said about "intellectual limitations" and I had no idea how awful it sounded to be honest.

however I would like to make the point that when strong feelings are evoked in me and Imay inadvertently come across as rude, it isn't because people disagree with me. It is because what someone has said has plugged into something about which I feel very strongly and I don't think I'm any different from anyone else in this respect - I think it's called being human!

I seem to be the only MIL posting on MN and i do try to take a balanced view and I can see that some MILS are indeed very difficult but I can also see that some DILs are just not going to give the MIL a chance. Plls comemnts about the pat GP being of less importance than the MG made me angry I must admit. I know how precious my GC are to me and all 3 of my DILS never rank the GPs in order of importance in any way shape or form BUT I just felt for the pat GPs out there who were suffering from DILs with this point of view.

I was much much closer to my mom than my MIL but I would never ever have dreamed of thinking that my mom was more important. i realise now that P11's mom died before her child was born and she did admit that she was resentful of her MIL because of this and I think that is a perfectly understandable human emotion. However I would hope that a DIL would have the maturity and sensitivity
to rise above this although I accept that this may take time.

P11s comments (with a smiley face)that MILs never know if the child is actually their son's child particularly annoyed me too.

IOh well there we have it - us MILS are human too with all the human frailities of our fellow humans!

NanaNina, I referred to your nastiness as that is how your comment to Porcupine sounded. And, tbh, you comment about people exaggerating their academic success is also uncalled for.

If I got it wrong about your DIL, I apologise, however, that was based on your comments about your 'tricky ' relationship with one of your DILs.

Your DSD is your dear Step Daughter. You have stated on another thread how you felt/feel about her and indicated that there was some element of strain in the relationship with her. Again, if O got it wrong, I apologise.

The quote ( the part between the stars) was taken from your own post on another thread, to highlight the fact that you seem very good at giving advice to others, yet don't seem to adhere to it yourself.

FWIW, I agree that there are times on MN when a MIL cannot do right for doing wrong, but I think it is important to remember that sometimes it is one seemingly small incident that is the breaking point, often after many, many bigger things have happened. I would love to have the kind of relationship with my MIL that my SIL's do. But after nearly 30 years of trying, I have accepted it just isn't going to happen. And, sadly, I can no longer be bothered to try when it is always kicked back in my face. She has never had the same relationship with my DH as she does with her other DCs and nothing we do or say will ever change her now. So we have given up. I just feel so sad for all she has missed out on. She has two wonderful GC that she hardly knows, she has a DS who is the most wonderful, caring person you could ever wish to meet, but clearly she doesn't! And she has a DIL who despite it all, would still like a decent relationship but who just can't keep on neing the only one putting anything positive into it.

Can I point out that I have NOT accused anyone of lying - this is a distortion of the facts. I said that I thought it was a trife exaggeration - not the same thing. I would never accuse anyone of lying. Did I maybe touch a nerve?

Of course I believe that mothers can have academic backgrounds. You completely disregard my apology which confirms my initial feelings about you. I have tried to understand your position but you have disregarded this too. So I will say no more.........

You've done it again! You are on a roll today. Why give up now?

This is beocming Orwellian, are you saying tat Porcupine has told an untruth?

Satithowitis - yes you are right about my step daughter and I I did try hard with her but never could feel any real closeness with her. I was very young at the time and I'm afriad didn't realise how difficult it was for her to fit in with our family. also she was having a hard time at home with her mom and step dad arguing. I wasn't having a very easy time either with a difficult P and money troubles, so all in all it was a bit of a disaster. However I think step parenting is one of those things that you have to experience to understand.

My step daughter has grown into a very self centred woman who has fallen out with her father and her own mother and has 4 children with 3 different fathers. I know this is all because she did not receive the care and attention and unconditional love that children need to thrive, but I didn't know all that at the time she was growing up. BUt I can't turn the clock back. One positive thing is that I am close to my step GC ( 2 of whom are young adults and both of whom have little contact with their mother).

Anyway - you may well be right that I give advice but don't always follow it myself. I think it's very easy to be objective when soemthing is not "plugging into" something about which you have very deep personal feelings. Very different when this is not the case, so I accept your observation - again I think it is all part of the human condition.

Maybe I will stop posting here because I am getting a little tired of being the only MIl on MN and somehow I am trying (usually in a balanced way I hope) to fight the corner for other MILS and especially paternal grandparents.

I don't think you need to stop posting, just temper your style somewhat! There are actually a few other MILs who post on here. I think maybe you have felt a need to stand up for all MILs, when actually, as with all of us, you can really only speak from your own point of view. It is one thing to offer advice, but of course, we are not the ones actually living the situation and therefore don't always have the full story. Sometimes there is another, compeletly different side, such as the other person, but I have aleways found that very often, posters don't always go into all the fine detail, preferring to give certain, generalised info,or statng whatever has been the 'fianl straw' without detailing everything else that led up to it.

I do appreciate it must be difficult to be a SP. My own parents were divorced and remarried. I had a wonderful relationship with my DSD, and at first, a good one with my SM. Sadly that changed when my own children were born and she resented the fact that I had a wonderful family whereas she had left her two babies behind in order to go with my Dad. She hated the fact that my Dad had GC and , in her mind, she didn't. The fact that my children have always only ever known her as grandma and only as adults realised she was not their bio.GM, made no difference. I hope I have not grown up selfish,but I can understand why your DSD would, after all, it sounds as though she has never felt truly loved and wanted by anyone in her life, especially the ones she should have always loved her unconditionally, her parents.

Anyway, don't stop posting, maybe just think before you make what can bee quite hurtful comments!

Oh Lord - can I clarify - a LIE is something that is totally untrue - has no basis in fact, an intentionally false statement An exaggeration is something that gives the impression (of a thing) especially in speech or writing, that makes it seem larger or greater than it really is. OK.

Since you ask me not to stop Porcupine, I would have thought that the difference would have been obvious to you with your tremendous academic success!

sorry for typos, not a typist and it shows!

Nana you are still being rude. Can you not just say sorry without tagging an insult on the end?