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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex, my dc's Dad, died yesterday

67 replies

MANATEEequineOHARA · 02/08/2009 09:10

He was awful at the end of our relationship, really awful, but once I did love him. It is all just so screwed up. I am in shock. I am still married so am officially a widow. The kids are ok, he hadn't see them for over a year because he would mess about with visits, but he was still their dad. His life was all so sad though, and his poor gf, who has a baby with him, found him dead in the bathroom. I am just in total shock, and sad also, which is kind of unexpected. :s

OP posts:
ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 02/08/2009 09:13

I am so sorry to hear this, what a shock for everyone involved.

Have you got someone you can talk to about it in rl?

HumphreyCobbler · 02/08/2009 09:14

I am so sorry.

What an awful shock.

MamaG · 02/08/2009 09:14

Shit what a horrible shock for you and the DC

Really sorry

SummerC · 02/08/2009 09:14

Oh my goodness MANATEEequineOHARA. I am so sorry - both for your children and for you. Whether you were separated or not, like you said - you loved each other once and you have children together so of course you are going to be affected by his death.

You and your children are in my thoughts. I wish you all peace - try to remember the good times you had together.

(((((((((((HUG))))))))))

OnlyWantsOne · 02/08/2009 09:20

oh goodness, I shall be thinking of you and your DCs x x x x

Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 02/08/2009 09:26

Thanks, it is just so wierd, I am thinking of the good things about him, well, not really good, becaue there weren't many good parts, but the parts that had the potential to be good and were fucked up by his witch of a mother, and various life experiences thereafter. I was one of the fools who married someone thinking I could change them, I couldn't, BUT I did, and still do, understand the screwed up parts of him. He was also just a friend for a few years before we were together, and I feel very sad for that friend, that in reality, was long since lost, but this is just so final.
He has 5 children with 3 different mothers, I am the only one that ever married though so there is this wierd situation that his gf couldn't legally id the body, but I could have, luckily his Dad did it though, cos that would have been awful. His Dada emailed me to tell me is was traumatic but he looked more at peace than he has done in a long time. There was also a kind of undercurrent of blame directed at me (I do believe he told his family that we split up because he caught me in bed with a women...which is not at all true!!!), so, god, thne funeral is going to be srained at best, his parents hate each other, his sister only gets on with the dad, and his twin brother is in prison for murdering the dad's second wife. sigh

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 02/08/2009 09:30

OMG thats awful.

cocolepew · 02/08/2009 09:35

What a sock for you, so sorry.

cocolepew · 02/08/2009 09:35

Aarrgghh shock sorry

Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 02/08/2009 09:37

Heh Cocolepew that made me laugh somewhat...which is good...I think!

OP posts:
MamaLazarou · 02/08/2009 12:14

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and the DC's.

Try not to make sense of any of it for now - nothing about death makes sense to those left behind.

I hope you manage to get through the funeral without any major family bust-ups!

Big hugs to you darling x

gero · 02/08/2009 14:23

What a terrible story, I had to read it twice. So sorry for all you are going through and wish you well.

Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 02/08/2009 17:59

It does sound very crazy reading it back to myself. It IS crazy.

As I am the legal next of kin the trouble has already begun. His mother selfishly wants his ashes to go to Ireland...well, he hated Ireland and any time he spent there, she is trying to put pressure on me to agree to that, and I just want nothing to do with it, I think it is partly her way to create a family dispute, and damn it I want no part of it.

I have just managed to contact an old friend of my ex who said he would come to the funeral, so that is good, he will be neutral to any debate...and I just think if we can reach a critical mass of neutral people, if his mother does kick up a fuss, it will not matter/be such an issue. I don't know if my logic there has any sense in it though!!!

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 02/08/2009 18:02

What a terrible shock.

How has your DC taken the news?

You say his poor gf, are you friends and do you feel able to support her?

Did he have a will, is there provision for his children?

Tell his mother you are not getting into an argument with her about arrangements. She is grieving but there is no need to throw her weight around.

Biglips · 02/08/2009 18:04

so sorry to hear

Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 02/08/2009 18:24

My DCs seem ok, they had not seen him for a while, but I feel a bitch, I stopped him talking to ds when I saw him last, even though it was the right thing to do at the time, it feels pretty awful that I did that now he is dead.

I doubt very much he had a will. He payed minimal child maintainence, and was not good like that, at all.

I wasn't friends with his gf, but I kind of feel like I see a bit of me in her, she was being taken in by his lies. She called me today to tell me he is dead, when I said I already knew because I am married to him so the police told me she replied that she thought we were divorced, he had told her we were! But she was ok, we just talked and it was ok just talking. She is pretty devastated though, she described finding the body, how horrid.

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 02/08/2009 18:27

Please don't feel guilty. It was the right thing to do at the time and it wouldn't really change anything now and while it sounds awful, maybe it is better that your DC's don't have a conversation to remember.

I really hope you understand what I am saying as I can't think how to say it.

Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 02/08/2009 18:33

Yes totally, and you are right, but there is just that feeling of 'what if...'
His last conversation with many family members were arguments from what I have been hearing.

Oh F* I still can't believe it, he is dead...

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 02/08/2009 18:35

Oh I know.

I have so many what ifs and whys with people who have died and relationships that have ended?

Make sure you get the time to grief for your loss too.

CarGirl · 02/08/2009 18:38

that sounds like a very difficult funeral to go to.

Be kind to yourself x

Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 02/08/2009 21:21

Dammit I am crying as if I loved him or something

But partly out of anger, ffs, there were things I had to say to him.

Just been on the phone to his Dad's mum, they are arranging things, none of them realised we were still married, and because of that I am getting put under pressure to be the 'decision maker' but by the end of the conversation we had agreed on all aspects, and so decided that as a united voice that is pretty strong against the certain individual out to cause trouble.

OP posts:
Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 02/08/2009 21:21

His Dad's wife I mean.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 02/08/2009 21:42

That's good, I wanted to suggest that earlier to come to agree with stuff as much as possible with the family members you get on best with and hopefully his current partner. At least then you can hold your head up high knowing that you've down the right thing by him.

Give your boys extra hugs for them and you.

blinks · 03/08/2009 01:19

what a nightmare. you sound very strong.

pinkchampagne · 03/08/2009 01:37

Oh how awful. I am so sorry you are going through this.

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