Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex, my dc's Dad, died yesterday

67 replies

MANATEEequineOHARA · 02/08/2009 09:10

He was awful at the end of our relationship, really awful, but once I did love him. It is all just so screwed up. I am in shock. I am still married so am officially a widow. The kids are ok, he hadn't see them for over a year because he would mess about with visits, but he was still their dad. His life was all so sad though, and his poor gf, who has a baby with him, found him dead in the bathroom. I am just in total shock, and sad also, which is kind of unexpected. :s

OP posts:
cathcat · 03/08/2009 01:56

Also sorry you are going through this. Best wishes.

Lemonylemon · 03/08/2009 09:54

My DS's Dad died several years after we split up. It's still such a shock when it happens. He's still the father of your kids after all. It also highlights the "should have beens", "could have beens", "things that won't be" and sends your mind into a swirl.

Hope you're OK - it's a complete nightmare though.....

Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 03/08/2009 14:18

Lemonylemon - exactly, it is like it forces you to think about so many questions. BUT it is also making me forget the negative stuff, and just view him as this poor mis-understood man, which is true to some extent, but it is like I am seeing him totally differently now the real him is no longer around to disprove it. It is like I can finally see him as the man I wanted him to be That is maybe a bit silly.

The coroners office called me today, that was wierd and unpleasant.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 03/08/2009 15:00

And that will happen for a while until the shock and the raw grief wear off a bit.... My ex and I were on civil terms for the sake of our son, but I found that everyone had made him into a demi-god at the time.

Now, when my DD's Dad died 2 years ago, I was the one who made him into some sort of demi-god - but I'm calming down about that now....

The legal bits at this stage are very unpleasant. This is exactly the time when you don't want to be dealing with all this official stuff - but the time when you HAVE to, unfortunately.....

Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 03/08/2009 15:22

Yeah, the legalities suck. We were very much seperated, and I have been thrown into this bizarre role as the next of kin. His Dad has asked that I put in writing for all funeral arrangements to be carried out by himself and ex-h's gf, which I am very happy to do. The potential conflict with his mother is an issue I would rather not deal with, but am also of strong opinion on it - that she should not get her selfish ways.

It is good to hear my reactions are normal! It is all just so shocking. I am maybe being rather morbid though as I keep thinking over what it must have felt like, did he know he was dying? Did he think this is it? And I just keep imagining, but not quite beieving, his body - dead.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 03/08/2009 15:43

Yes, getting sucked back into a situation you don't want to be in and having to "negotiate" with people you'd rather just move away from is very, very hard. I had to deal with the estate for my DS and his parents and fiancee dealt with the funeral etc.

With my DD's Dad, although technically I wasn't next of kin, they let me just get on with it.....

DS's Dad died very suddenly and DD's Dad lasted a week before dying. I really don't like to think about them "knowing" that they were dying or if they were scared or anything. I was with DD's Dad when he died, so I hope I helped him.... As for DS's Dad, he was with people he worked with, so hopefully it was very quick.

Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 03/08/2009 15:47

He was alone...to be specific was in the bathroom for a wee. Apparently that is a common last urge, and it just wont get out of my head.

OP posts:
differentID · 03/08/2009 15:50

Manattee- so sorry for your loss and the children's as well. How have they taken the news?

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 03/08/2009 15:53

I'm so sorry. You may have been separated but he was still your childrens father and you had a history together.

The legal side of things (I'm sorry, they will help eventually and you should know) is a PITA to be honest. If you are willing to still be classed as next kin then you need to call an undertaker/contact the bank/contact the benefits agency. There isn't any answers to what happened until they have performed a post mortum, which they will have to do. Your reactions are normal, it must be such a shock. Don't let his family rail road you into allowing them to take over. Even though you don't get on with his girlfriend they were together so you may wish to ask her (if you want to). My dad died suddenly after a long illness, he was admited to hospital and died before I could get there to see him. the benefits agency can help advise you about the finances for the funeral and any benefits. Any money/property he would have had would eventually go to you as his legal wife unless he wrote a will.

Lemonylemon · 03/08/2009 15:54

Yes, that and being sick. I'm really sorry that it's an image that won't go away - it will, in time, though. Hope you and the kids are doing OK.

Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 03/08/2009 15:54

They are still kind of indifferent. But I am going to have to get some memories written down from them for the funeral, and also pictures to him from them for the coffin. That will be hard for me even if it is not hard for them. Actually, I ought to do it now, because they are at playclub and nursery tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday but I am a bit scared about it, BUT I do know that I need to not show that to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 03/08/2009 15:58

FluffyBunnyGoneBad

Thanks. His Dad and gf are arranging the funeral side of things, and his Dad is paying. I have never really known his gf, but spoke yesterday and we are in agreement on how to handle things. I suppose I should contact the csa, to tell them to stop my measley payments.

OP posts:
FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 03/08/2009 15:59
Sad
Greensleeves · 03/08/2009 16:00

It's not surprising you feel sad, and are in shock - he was the dc's dad, and you had feelings for him (good and bad) for years.

If it were me I would probably let his mother have her own way about the ashes, they're just ashes and if it gets her out of your face it might be worth it. I see your point about not wanting to let her bully you/dictate something he wouldn't have wanted though.

let me know if I can do anything x

MayorNaze · 03/08/2009 16:00

i am so sorry. you are very strong to deal with all of this

CarGirl · 03/08/2009 16:33

I hate being so mercenary but you may be able to claim widow dependents allowance now for your dc?

It all sounds so much harder because you were such good friends for a number or years before you got together and it went pear shaped. At least your dc won't have to face the fact that he wasn't the Dad they wanted to be which is very sad but true.

Give your dcs a big hug and remember that they've got you x

Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 03/08/2009 16:37

Have just done the memory thing with dcs. Ds (7) has loads of memories, but dd (4) does not have many at all, which is sad.

The thing with the ashes are that people who mattered to him - his gf, and Dad, do not want them in Ireland, while he didn't even get on with his mother, and her reasons are purely selfish. It is all so complicated. He also had clearly expressed a wish that should he die, he wanted his ashes scattered at sea - so why the selfish cow would want to contest her son's wishes is beyond me...well, everything about her is.

I have to keep correcting the present tense into the past in my posts...sooooo wierd.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 03/08/2009 16:39

she sounds like a real charmer

could you just tell her that the ashes are going to be handed to his gf, as she was the person closest to him, and then refuse to discuss it further?

how hideous for you having to do the memory thing with the dc Are they OK?

and again, if I can do anything....

Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 03/08/2009 16:44

Dd is fine, Ds is sad, and I worry about him a bit, he is not fab with emotions and handling them in a non-lashing out kind of way. He is ok so far, but I am just worried.

I am all for doing just that with the ashes, but his Dad, who is a bit of a wimp when it comes to his mum (they have been seperated about 20 years and the cow has not yet got over it, she even positively relished her other son murdering his second wife!) has said he WOULD split the ashes 'to keep the peace', even though he admits the thought disturbs him, which to me, just screams of bullying???

OP posts:
Katisha · 03/08/2009 16:48

Split the ashes? Is that common practice?

LuluMaman · 03/08/2009 16:49

just wanted to add my condolences and wish you and the children well through this difficult time

Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 03/08/2009 16:51

LuluMaman Thank you.

Katisha I was surprised that he suggested it even, to me it just sounds wrong, and I can't imagine that it is common practice, but I am a novice in this death malarky...and hope it stays that way really.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 03/08/2009 16:52

splitting the ashes is just bonkers

who the hell are these people? They sound untterly unhinged, no wonder you can't come to an amicable agreement with them

that's why I think I would just hand it all over to his gf to deal with, she was his current partner

I know what you mean about your ds, it's a huge thing for him to digest and it is worrying. I don't have a clue how my ds1 would deal with it, not too well I think

Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 03/08/2009 16:57

CarGirl Sorry, I managed to miss yuor post. I wondered if there was some kind of benefit to claim, I don't know if I want to, the whole thing with the word 'widow' makes me feel like I should start wearing black and doing strage things with herbs. However financial help is always needed, especially while I still have to pay the debts he ran up in my name!!!

And yes, it is one of the small benefits that the dc's have their mainly positive memories and now they cannot be corrupted by an severly alcoholic reality.

OP posts:
Original poster
MANATEEequineOHARA · 03/08/2009 17:00

Greensleeves 'utterly unhinged' is a very polite way of describing the lot of them. I have never even known of anything like them, real or fictional!
I am kind of looking out for his current (or however you would describe it) gf. I have various slightly complicated reasons for this, but I do feel I need to. Legally she DOESN'T have any influence, so really I am handing it over to her, but I am the voice for her that legally counts.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread