My ex, my dc's Dad, died yesterday

[MANATEEequineOHARA]

He was awful at the end of our relationship, really awful, but once I did love him. It is all just so screwed up. I am in shock. I am still married so am officially a widow. The kids are ok, he hadn't see them for over a year because he would mess about with visits, but he was still their dad. His life was all so sad though, and his poor gf, who has a baby with him, found him dead in the bathroom. I am just in total shock, and sad also, which is kind of unexpected. :s

well AFAIK you can claim the benefit it is one of the the few advantages of being married over co-habiting. You need the money and at least you can say truthfully that he has contributed financially to your dc!

I do feel sorry for his current gf though how horrid for her. It's really good that you are being the legal voice for her. She lost her bf, found a body and discovered that he was a liar, having to deal with his bizarre family all in a very short space of time

Yes, it is awful for her. I couldn't believe it when within seconds of talking to her I had revealed he told her a huge lie...and that was not the first (when she was first with him she actually was under the impression he was 5 years younger, and was called something else entirely!)

Well perhaps over time your dcs can get to know each other so at least they can have that link to their Dad.

re the ashes thing, no I don't really know what is the done thing either, but splitting sounds a bit macabre to me. Scattering fine, splitting...don't like sound of that.

Manatee - did you used to post as Mascaraohara?

Indeed, splitting just sounds plain wrong.
I am hoping that our dcs can get to know each other. I am not sure about the older two though...issues with her mum on an extra large scale may prevent it.
I still can't believe this is real

Dior Nope...just a similar sounding coincidence!

So sorry manatee. What a terrible situation

I have heard of people splitting ashes but you must do what you feel is best.

I spoke to my Mother yesterday and she said that the seperation of the body after death was a punishment in the middle ages! While many would think it is no less than he deserves I just think why make everything worse. Anyway, he Dad got back to me last night to say that his sister is furious, so that is that (meaning ashes stay here).

Really, the mother hasn't got a hope in hell, while they said they were worried about her 'throwing her weight about' I just think 'what weight?'. If they mean she wants a fight...well...she is tiny! but I am guessing they mean metaphorically (well, I hope so, I don't want a fight with anyone!), in which case there is still no legal grounds for her, and her family, well if they are anything like her, they can shout but not construct an argument. It is just all unpleasant there is a conflict at all.

Autopsy today, my mind is rather full of grim thoughts about bodies and scalpels, and how they actually determine the cause.

Kids are off to play club and nursery this afternoon, I should be working on university stuff but instead I am going to ride my horse...possibly in a slightly crazy, fast kind of way...that is my usual form of therapy!

Maybe give the ashes to the G/F and give the mother a vase containing whatever ashes you can get hold of from an ordinary fire somewhere.

CruelAndUnusualParenting I would like to say I am morally outraged at the suggestion...but actually I just find it a tad amusing. However i will be standing my ground, I feel it is important to be honest.

anniemac Your situation sounds similar, it is a strange perspective that death puts on things it seems.

Manatee - I am sorry. What a horrible thing to have to deal with. And as you say you did love him once.

Manatee - so sorry to hear how things have been going for you. It's a surreal world that you've been thrown back into. It's odd, you split up with someone, make the journey through the years to who you become and how you live your life etc. only to find yourself chucked back into something you'd left behind years ago - and with a difficult family to boot!

Glad that everyone has stood up to your ex's Mum about the ashes etc. Unfortunately, my ex's Mum overrode his wishes and he was buried.

I hope that things do get sorted out for you as soon as possible - it's not a nice situation.

Oh, by the way - I think if you phone the Works & Pensions Department (or whatever it's called now) they will be able to let you know about the widow's pension. As far as I can remember, it lasts for a year - there's also something called a lone parents grant which you may be entitled to as well.

bereavement benefits - looks fairly plain English to me.

So sorry for you. They sounds like a nightmare family, and it sounds to me as though you are doing all the right things with your DC, which is what matters.

stealthsquiggle Thank you, and goodness, @ the benefits. The problem is, and this is a big problem and reflects the life he leads...it says as long as they paid NI contributions. Well, he claimed benefits on the whole, and worked using the name and NI number of his twin who is in prison!!! (this sounds like something from Shameless!) So, I wonder if the NI paid on benefits counts, and if it counts that we were split up, and his gf is likely to claim this as his civil partner. :s I will definitely apply though.

Lemonylemon I am just in shock that parents would override their son's wishes for their body after death!!! Madness! And yep, very surreal world I am in right now.

Buda Thank you

I missed the call from the coroners office today, which I suppose was going to tell me the results of the autopsy. I called back and left a message with my mobile number, so hopefully I will hear tomorrow.