DH STAYED OUT ALL NIGHT AND....

[Gmakes3]

Wanted an impartial opinion.Will try to keep it as short as poss. DH went out from work for dinner with 2 men and said was comming home at latest on the last train (11.30). He staggered in at 05.00 and made no sense what so ever. I had tried his phone at 02.30 and it was switched off, I tried again at 04.30 and it rang and went to v/mail. I could not get a coherrent answer from him when he came home. I went to do some washing and the shirt he'd put in the wash was covered in make up. After much pushing from me he says hes txd one of the men he was out with and they went to a lapdancing club. Hes obviously had a dance. I feel as though hes cheated. He thinks its bad but not bad enough for me to want to split up the marriage. I have had comments like "Its the first time I've done anything like this" and I was drunk and can't remember it" which he seems to think absolves him. I don't know what to do. Oh to top it all we have a 2 year old and an 11 week old. Honest opinions please.

[HolyGuacamole]

If it were my DH, I'd me much more pissed off about the make up than I would about the lap dancing. I agree with people who have said it should depend on his past behaviour and how much he regrets being foolish. If you can put it down to a stupid mistake and talk about how you both can deal with this type of scenario in future, then that will set your boundaries, whatever they are. We are all different and if you think lap dancing is ok, then fine......and if you don't think it is ok, then fine.

I don't necessarily agree with lap dancing myself because I think it encourages a laddish, back slapping, lairy, "whoa, check the tits on her", culture which I find really unattractive in a man.

My DH has came home early from nights out before because others from his work etc have gotten into this mindset where you have to go lapdancing on every night out. The guys that don't join in tend to get ribbed for 'being under the thumb' etc. My DH just tells them "yeah, that's fine, you go and waste your money paying over the odds for a beer and letting some girl frustrate the life out of you".

[SolidGoldBrass]

ONly the OP knows what sort of man her H is - ie whether he is the type who is first to lead the pos-pub stampede to the lapdancing club and then spend the night treating the strippers with contempt and trying to touch them up - or whether he's a gentle soul who's a bit easily let, and who also can;t hold his drink so if his 'mates' bought him a third pint and put the pressure on would end up letting them drag him to the club where he would sit drooling (with drunkeneness, not lust) into his 4ht pint feeling horribly embarrassed and be very regretful.

[HappyWoman]

it also depends on how sorry he is to have been so late coming back, surely if it was a one off mistake he would be doing all he could to make amends and certainly not making the op feel that her feelings are not important.

[ABetaDad]

I'm amused at the double standards on this thread. Men or women watching strippers or lapdancing or pole dancing or whatever is the same thing in my book. KingCanute has the most consistent arguement and am not convinced by those saying 'but it is different when women watch strippers'.

Back to the OP though. I hope this was a one off and he got drunk, acted stupid, got dragged along, then was in a panic and knew he would get told off when he got home, didn't phone and is now very contrite - even if he will not admit it yet.

If I were you I would tell him he is father now and that acting like twentysomething single bloke is not on anymore. Then let him look after both Dcs for the afternoon this weekend while you go out on your own. He needs to know just how upset you are but in the end you need to move on with DH. To do that you need to tell him you are not going to hold it over him forever or keep mentioning if you have an arguement about something else but he needs to forever promise to never do it again.

[SomeGuy]

I went to a strip club in London once, they had women dancing on a small stage and they came round to collect £ coins off you after each dance. Nobody was having orgasms or close, I don't remember finding it arousing even.

I went to one in Las Vegas where the women come and sit on you (men not allowed to touch, but they can). It was quite off-putting really.

Given that men would have to be wanking themselves off to have orgasms, as claimed, which is definitely verboten everywhere, I'd say that level of arousal is much more likely with women and male strippers.

[HappyWoman]

But i still do think it is different for men and woman - i am medical and have actually seen a man ejaculate during an examination, would be interested if ANY woman has ever felt even a bit aroused during a smear test.

There used to be some clubs in soho that provided areas for men to 'relieve' themselves.

Not to say that it is any better for either sex to be watching people get naked.

[SomeGuy]

oh FFS, of course plenty of women have got aroused during smear tests.

Here's one: girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com/2006/06/abstinence.html

[SomeGuy]

They are as much proof of something as any of your claims about men on this thread.

[expatinscotland]

'oh FFS, of course plenty of women have got aroused during smear tests.'

SomeGuy the gynaecologist speaks from so much experience.

[ninah]

aroused during a smear - you cannot be serious

[PlumBumMum]

Gmakes3, Are you still about?

I hope your okay, I'm trying to put myself in your position and feel awful for you, I think you need to have another chat with your dh and get some sensible answers from him

I don't think its grounds for divorce yet

[SomeGuy]

It's ridiculous to suggest that nobody ever has.

It's not hard to find evidence to the contrary:

"I am a Family Physician and perform PAP tests daily. I have only had 2 patients ever get "horny" (as eveidenced by what they said and how they behaved. Based on that, I would say it is uncommon-but not necessarily abnormal-to get horny during a PAP exam. "

[SomeGuy]

Dittany have you actually read the previous post to mine?

"But i still do think it is different for men and woman - i am medical and have actually seen a man ejaculate during an examination, would be interested if ANY woman has ever felt even a bit aroused during a smear test."

You make sweeping and offensive statements about men very regularly as a matter of fact.

[expatinscotland]

SomeGuy you are reading American porn.

How would I know?

Oh, because I can tell you that a) doctors don't usually do smear tests here, it's 9 times out of 10 some type of nurse b) internal exams are not performed here as part of routine screening c) stirrups are not used here as part of routine screening.

In other words, this 'blog' is bullshit. It's written as what it is: porn.

[SomeGuy]

It's not on my mind, a woman (I assume) brought it up. Why don't you ask her why it's on her mind instead of having a go at me.

[SomeGuy]

It's certainly not American porn, the author is British, and she got rather upset when she was unmasked by the Sunday Times.

See en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girl_with_a_One-Track_Mind

Whether she made it all up or not I have no idea, though I'm not sure why she would report American medical practice when she's evidently British. Perhaps these things vary by practice. I have no idea.

[MorrisZapp]

It's Diet Coke advert syndrome.

ie, one example of 'sauce for the goose' being used to prove that women are 'just as bad' or whatever as men.

God knows how we got onto the subject - it certainly has no relevance to OP or discussion we were having.

But using the evidence of an anonymous sex blogger in the US to illustrate that 'plenty of women get horny at smear tests' is just gymnastic logic at it's internet forum best.

wtf, as they say.

[Gmakes3]

Yes still about, still at the hate his guts stage, DH is now trying to go down the route of everything is back to normal, even made a snide comment when his meal was not on the table after work! I can't imagine that it will ever be as it was. DH is a self righteous, arrogant bastard but Iknew that when I married him. Didn't think he would do something like this so has knocked me for six. Forgive and forget seems a long way off.