DH STAYED OUT ALL NIGHT AND....

[Gmakes3]

Wanted an impartial opinion.Will try to keep it as short as poss. DH went out from work for dinner with 2 men and said was comming home at latest on the last train (11.30). He staggered in at 05.00 and made no sense what so ever. I had tried his phone at 02.30 and it was switched off, I tried again at 04.30 and it rang and went to v/mail. I could not get a coherrent answer from him when he came home. I went to do some washing and the shirt he'd put in the wash was covered in make up. After much pushing from me he says hes txd one of the men he was out with and they went to a lapdancing club. Hes obviously had a dance. I feel as though hes cheated. He thinks its bad but not bad enough for me to want to split up the marriage. I have had comments like "Its the first time I've done anything like this" and I was drunk and can't remember it" which he seems to think absolves him. I don't know what to do. Oh to top it all we have a 2 year old and an 11 week old. Honest opinions please.

[KingCanuteIAm]

Rindercella, of course you have - well, getting between fighting cats in not actually a sin - but it is not smart

[LaurieFairyCake]

Blackouts while drunk are most common in persistent drinkers - for most people the events of an evening come back afte a few days.

Unless they were drugged and then they don't as much.

[wannaBe]

as for the op, I do agree with sgb - it depends on his behavior in the past.

I wouldn't be happy if my dh went to a lapdancing club. At all. But if he did I would prefer that he at least tell me so that I could get pissed off with him about it, rather than keeping it a secret.

However, I would say that make-up all over his shirt would, to me, imply that something more than a lapdance had gone on, whether after the event or with someone else he had met randomly.

And perhaps he was so drunk that he put the shirt in the wash without actually considering that you might find it.

[barnsleybelle]

I think all this totally depends on what he's normally like? If he has a tendancy to do this kind of thing then yanbu. If however it's not like him then try to move on.
Maybe he just got carried away on a one off and it's highly likely he was so drunk that he cant remember all the details.
The not ringing at 11.30 to let you know he would be late would be the part that pissed me off most, but in all fairness i think that is a man thing. They are scared to ring in case you go off and then it gets so late that they think, hey ho, i'm in trouble as it is so i may as well go for it . It's not right but it happens...

[messalina]

I think staying out till 5am when you have an 11 week old baby AND another child is beyond the pale. I wouldn't divorce him for it, nor for the lapdancing episode, but I'd give him a jolly good rollicking. You wouldn't do the same, nor could you probably. The fact that he was able to stay out on the lash till such a ridiculous hour was because he knew you were at home looking after the children. I'm sure he's lovely usually, but I would make him babysit for you at least twice as a penance. Then he'll know how it feels. And the worry he caused you by not answering his 'phone. My blood boils for you. My own DH sometimes fails to answer his mobile when he is in the pub and it makes me incandescent with rage.

[wannaBe]

"And I would be checking his underwear for ejaculatory fluid - you can get a spray to show this up.

It also shows up whether there is female fluid (that has remained on the cock after sex)" how do people know about these things?

[LaurieFairyCake]

IME people who say they don't remember anything and don't remember where they went. And don't have an explanation for make-up all over their clothes.

Have usually had sex with someone else.

[SolidGoldBrass]

If you are seriously entertaining the idea of getting spunk-detector spray to check on your H's underwear then your marriage is in a LOT of trouble anyway.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Quite true sgb. The only thing about the OP's issue that raises huge alarm bells for me is the not remembering/not wanting to remember.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Yes reality, did you notice I said it was rare unless you were a persistent drinker

I'm guessing you liked a wee one or two......

[wannaBe]

although if op's dh was that drunk, would he have been able to get it up anyway?

[Tortington]

i dont buy the excuse one bit.

i dont mind dh staying out all night if he wants - its a matter of trust - we are adults not teenagers with a kerfew - but 'consideration' is the name of the game - if there are two young children to think about. If it had been previously arranged - fine

or if its quid pro quo - fine

but i suspect not.

when dh can't see my POV i like to ask him the simple and obvious question - what if i did what you did.

so in your situation - how would he feel if you came home - not knowing where you had been, out all night with some indicator that you may have had some sexual dealings in whatever capacity?

leaving him at home with two small children?

whats good for the goose is good for the gander or visa versa.

-----
then the other debate or should that be ...debate here is the male stripper thing. Now i think this has all got to do with intent. A man goes to a strip club to get sexually aroused. Women just don't - there might be a few 'phwoor i wouldn't kick him out the bed fer fartin'' kind of chat, girls all a bit giddy, sexual inuendo in a fun [relative] setting. is rather difference than what happens at a lap dancing club. Thats because men and women are made differently. We don't get off on that (as a whole i believe)
---
exploitation.
if the argument is about sex workers and exploitation then there may well be equity in male /female stripping > exploitation ratio - i have no idea
---
i think that his previous character has a lot to add to this.

in your situation if this was a one off and he was a pretty good partner before this then i would be angry upset pissed off - but not divorce material IMO

if hes a bit of a secret player - and you know it - and this is the final straw becuase you want to believe this excuse that you know is THE most feble excuse ever - then you need more intervention in your marriage.

[TDiddy]

LaurieFairyCake - can you really ?

Gmakes3 - I agree with posters who say that you may already know whether your DH is bad one. If so then you have to deal with this with everything else.

If it is an isolated incident, then is he showing any contrition? You didn't say how you feel about him and your relationship generally. Is it now very clear to him that you are VERY VERY happy with him going there? [I know that a few DPs aren't too bothered by this]. Do you think that he will go again?

I hope that you and your marriage recovers from this hurt. I know from listening to former colleagues that some men fancy these outings and seem able to compartmentalise it from their relationships at home - I AM NOT JUSTIFYING THIS. I think you probably have a gut feel on whether this is a marriage breaker.

[TDiddy]

I think you must work out if he understands the hurt that this causes you at such a time - after the birth of your little one.

[KingCanuteIAm]

Custardo, I have to say I very much disagree that women do not get sexually aroused, I have seen lots of women who are clearly ahem flushed and... damp when being "ground" at by their fave stripper. That would included wet seats on chairs

FWIW, the reason I have some knowledge of all of this is because I used to work in a male strip club (the female equivalent of a lap dancing club). TBH it was pretty similar to a lap dancing club - except it was frequented by women who started the evening there, sober and with intention of not leaving until they were very drunk and had leered until their eyes were crossed (at best - some very clearly had larger fish to fry). The thing is, because they were going to "strip" joint not a lap-dancing club it was "respectable" because they were women it was "just fun" because they were looking at men with their bits out, not women, it was not "degrading" anyone... TBH, having seen it, it was just as degrading and disgusting - in some ways more so.

[Tortington]

not saying it wasn't degrading - or indeed it was - didn't mention that either way.

we will have to agree to disagree, as although there will always be the exception to prove the rule - i believe a womans intent is to have fun - a laugh with friends rather than be turned on - the minority might be

the mens intent is to get turned on - the minority might not.

[HappyWoman]

I agree with you cvstard0.
I also think there is a big difference in that when woman go to a strip club there are more than happy to tell their partner about it whereas men rarely openly tell their partners. The secrecy seems to be a big part of it - are there any men who go and then come home and tell their partners - or are they usually 'found out'??

The groups of woman who go do not see it as a secret - whereas all the men i know would not want their partners to know, and in fact it becomes a bit of a 'mens club' with all the men covering for each other.

[Gmakes3]

I've read all the posts with varying degrees of horror. I need to make him understand what a knob he is, the problem is I don't think he can understand he is the most pig headed man I have ever met. The thought of walking out with 2 small childrens scares me to death I have alot of thinking to do. I know the post about the sperm spray was not ment to be funny but I found myself laughing which was much needed, thankyou

[LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune]

Getting back to the orginal reason for the thread.

Gmakes3 I don't want to make ANY excuse for your DH behaviour as there really isn't but there may have been a cause, you say you have 11 week old baby do you think he is feeling overwhelmed? Is everything going ok at work with him? IF this is out of character behaviour for him it might be worth exploring why he did it.
If you go in all guns blazing (which I would by the way!) then he might get automatically defensive if you can wait until he has sobered up and had some sleep you may get some honest answers from him (of course this also means he has some time to get his story straight if he is going to lie to you!)

Any chance he would go to relate?

He could of course be a lying, cheating prick but it's worth giving him a chance at least the first time.

[tegan]

If i was in you're situation i would be pissed off mainly because he didn't call to say he was saying out, i know you're not his mother but it is common curtisy (not a great speller) I would be giving the 3rd degree regarding you having 2 very young children and not needing extra stress. Also if you know you can trust him believe what he is telling you and even if you don't like it accept it and move on. He was probably under some presure being with other men not to be checking his phone every couple of minutes and being out with his mates probably made him feel free from the stress of being a father and provider for a few hours.

I would be firm about the fact you are not happy with him and make it clear the trust and been compromised and needs to be earned back, so he needn't think he will be going out for a long time to come. and then do you're best to get over it yourself, i knpw easier said than done but leaving won't solve anything i know from experience.

[HappyWoman]

trouble is by making a big deal out of it he will transfer the 'blame' onto you.
He will have already justified what he has done because he was with a group of lads, he was drunk, he is finding fatherhood hard........

If you stand your ground and tell him how upset you are then he may well see you as an unreasonable wife...... and actually i think that is how these groups of men see it.
"dont tell the DW as she will not understand and they all get their story straight next time'

Good luck with trying to get him to see that what he has done is not acceptable without looking like a nag.

[skyward]

For what it's worth this doesn't sound like something worth ending a marriage over - sounds like he's been an idiot and something has happened. It does sound like he was really, really drunk and came home from a night out rather than coming home from staying all night with a woman.