DH STAYED OUT ALL NIGHT AND....

[Gmakes3]

Wanted an impartial opinion.Will try to keep it as short as poss. DH went out from work for dinner with 2 men and said was comming home at latest on the last train (11.30). He staggered in at 05.00 and made no sense what so ever. I had tried his phone at 02.30 and it was switched off, I tried again at 04.30 and it rang and went to v/mail. I could not get a coherrent answer from him when he came home. I went to do some washing and the shirt he'd put in the wash was covered in make up. After much pushing from me he says hes txd one of the men he was out with and they went to a lapdancing club. Hes obviously had a dance. I feel as though hes cheated. He thinks its bad but not bad enough for me to want to split up the marriage. I have had comments like "Its the first time I've done anything like this" and I was drunk and can't remember it" which he seems to think absolves him. I don't know what to do. Oh to top it all we have a 2 year old and an 11 week old. Honest opinions please.

[AnyFucker]

I would just like to ask why you are still cooking his dinner

And why he didn't end up wearing it when he made a snide comment about it not being on the table

[Rindercella]

Hi Gmakes3, sorry to hear you're still feeling rubbish about this. I'm not surprised though. Had your H talked to you about this any further? Not just the lap dancing club, but getting makeup on his clothes, the not coming home til 5.30am, not being contactable during that night? All things which are totally unacceptable in my book.

You say you have always known he is an arrogant bastard, but has he done things like this in the past or was this a one-off?

[expatinscotland]

'Perhaps these things vary by practice. I have no idea. '

Yeah, you really do have no idea, and you've not even paid attention to any such threads on these boards, which cover the whole of the UK.

She's describing a US-style, routine gynaecological exam.

Which is not performed here for smear tests.

They do not use stirrups. They do not do internals for that. They don't do it every year unless you've had a history of cervical cell dysplasia.

Anywhere you go here.

She's written a porn fantasy as a blog entry for punters who visit the site.

It is not in any way an accurate portrayal of a smear test, which is not, btw, a 'sexual health MOT'. It's a cervical cancer screening.

If you want to be checked for STIs then it's just a swab test, different from a cervical cancer screening.

And a blood test, probably.

[CloudDragon]

Gmakes3

Has he done this sort of thing before?

Is he usually this dismissive of your feelings.?

My DH would not be getting any dinner until he had sorted this out.

[Gmakes3]

Just keeps saying hes sorry and that he can't remember anything, he hasn't done the makeup thing before. He has stayed out a couple of times till 2ish but very rare and thars in 11 years, made dinner as we always eat together and was sick of 2 year old asking why daddy was not eating with us. She knows somethings up so am trying to keep this as normal as poss when shes around. Maybe some will think thats wrong but until we figure this out I don't need an upset 2 year old aswell.

[Lemonylemon]

Late to this thread, but would say that my DS's Dad was exactly like this.....

I left him because it was a regular thing - the staying out really, really late; being uncontactable on the phone; heavy drinking; arrogance etc.

I doubt whether you are going to get any sort of decent conversation with him about it, but then I'm biased!

[PlumBumMum]

Gmakes3 sometimes I've still made dh's dinner even when I think I shouldn't have,

Maybe he was trying to test the water again(wrong way about it)
I think you should go sit down and let him go through the nights events, stay calm,
tell him you would rather know exactly what happened than to hear from someonelse(do the other men have wives?)
Then go through it with him,
its up to you about the lap dancing, if you trust him and love him and this is out of character then I would not dump over it

Staying out all night and not answering his phone is a different matter,
you or dcs could have been in trouble, he could have been in trouble

The makeup is a seperate issue, just ask how the hell it got there as you were under the impression that there was no physical contact during lap dances and if there was then give him hell

And if you make it up with him someone said he owes you 2 nights of babysitting, I would chalk up more than that!

[PlumBumMum]

Test the water with the comment about dinner I mean't btw

[AnyFucker]

test the water with the dinner comment ?

like yeah, I'll see if little wifey will let me get away with continuing to be an arrogant shit

and the longer I stonewall her and refuse to discuss it, she will get bored and then her silly little head will be taken up with something else....

and I will have gotten away with it

[PlumBumMum]

I know Anyfucker, I'm sitting here thinking of all the things I would have said back, but trying to give the op some hope that her dh isn't a right bastard!

[AnyFucker]

PBM, what else is she/we to think if he refuses to discuss it ??

Bang out of order

[HappyWoman]

I think it does not matter whether its ok for him to go to lap-dancers or whatever.
What is the point that he is not bothered that you are feeling crap about it.
As someone said he needs to consider your feelings in this first.

[SolidGoldBrass]

WHy did you marry an arrogant bastard, OP? Was he that good a shag? Or did you hope he would improve?

WRT Abby Lee, the author of Girl WIth A ONe Track Mind, she is British (but has, I think, spent time in the US) definitely female, definitely a feminist, and writing about her own experiences, not claiming they are universal truths about all women, just that they are true things about herself and her life. Unfortunately lots of people still find it impossible to accept that a woman can like sex for its own sake, casual sex, not mind about having not-good sex sometimes ie make mistakes yet not be a victim... the newspapers outed her, horribly, in a disgusting bout of slut-shaming (how dare she write openly about her sex life? She must be mentally ill, lying or wicked through and through).

[TDiddy]

A few random points:

-Does it matter whether he had a lap dance, a quick snog, or whatever? The important thing is that you feel cheated?

-Some former colleagues used to go at l
lunch time for "bar snacks" on the edge of the City to the sort of place where you had to put pound or two in a hat. I never went with them but was surprised at how many of my males colleagues went. I was very tempted as it felt more like porn than cheating. At the time one of my key reasons for not going was that I thought that female colleagues would be uncomfortable with this if the found out!! I was young then and DW has spelt out how she feels about it but I can see that many blokes see it more as porn than cheating.

-You just have to read some of the MN threads to get a glimpse of how desperate some men get for sex around child birth. NOT very supportive to say the least and that CANNOT JUSTIFY his visit. But it might be an explanation for out of character visit to lap dancing? As with prostitutes, some men actually manage to kid themselves that it is impersonal and is therefore less than outright cheating.

Gmake3 It might be an idea to tell him that his story is crap for you on many levels and that you can not have a relationship unless he demonstrates that he understands that. I don't think the detail is very important. Do you love each other is a key question in all of this? Are you friends and partners? I hope you find some peace soon.

[MissSunny]

Message withdrawn

[TDiddy]

The older I get the more I think that you shouldn't let sex get in the way of a good relationship. That is not to say that DP wants my to shagging around or the other way around but sometimes I think we should chill out a little more about sex and lust. It isn't necessarily the end of the world. So I agree that you to should look at this in the context of what your overall relationship is like with him. Is he supportive- sounds like he may not be. If you feel cheated them let him show his contrition by 6 months hard labour looking after children, cleaning the house if you don't have a cleaner .......

[Rindercella]

It's funny that TDiddy, the older I get the more I think that mutual love, respect and trust are important, and that all these things help make a 'good' relationship. Getting pissed, rolling up at 5.30am with makeup all over your clothes, claiming to not remember what happened at a lapdancing club just a few short weeks after your wife has given birth, show none of those things imo.

[TDiddy]

Rindercella - I agree with you that mutual love, respect and trust are important - see my posts. I agree that whether DH is supportive is also very imprtant -see my posts. Now that sex plays a part in all of that but what I am saying is that I would start by looking at the fundamental aspects that you mentioned and not just focussing on sex. DH could be faithful and still be missing all of the aspects you mentioned. I am NOT dismissing the sex aspect- that is a personal thing for the OP to judge and she and her DH need to know their limits. But I don't think we can judge whether OP should leave DH by looking at the important but narrow point about whether he went into a lap dancing club. I am encouraging OP to look at the very aspects that you mentioned. Just clarifying.