DH STAYED OUT ALL NIGHT AND....

[Gmakes3]

Wanted an impartial opinion.Will try to keep it as short as poss. DH went out from work for dinner with 2 men and said was comming home at latest on the last train (11.30). He staggered in at 05.00 and made no sense what so ever. I had tried his phone at 02.30 and it was switched off, I tried again at 04.30 and it rang and went to v/mail. I could not get a coherrent answer from him when he came home. I went to do some washing and the shirt he'd put in the wash was covered in make up. After much pushing from me he says hes txd one of the men he was out with and they went to a lapdancing club. Hes obviously had a dance. I feel as though hes cheated. He thinks its bad but not bad enough for me to want to split up the marriage. I have had comments like "Its the first time I've done anything like this" and I was drunk and can't remember it" which he seems to think absolves him. I don't know what to do. Oh to top it all we have a 2 year old and an 11 week old. Honest opinions please.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

If it was innocent I think he would be very contrite and would be telling you all about it.

Trying in anyway to hide it, cause an argument with you or say you are imagining things would make me feel he has something to hide.

[HappyWoman]

yes knowing you have made a mistake and coming clean as soon as you know you are about to be found it is very different to lying and covering up about it.

Often it is not the act itself that is so destructive but the lies and making the other feel they are being stupid about it all.

[lal123]

If my DP went to a lapdancing club then it would be the end of our relationship - because he knows how strongly I feel about them.

IMHO there IS a difference between male stripping and female lapdancing - female lapdancing is a symptom of the inequalities in our society, the vast majority of women involved don't do it out of choice - they do it because they don't have any choice. There is a hige power imbalance between the majority of female strippers and their punters - an imbalance which just isn't there with male strippers. Being a male stripper brings some kudos and is socially acceptable (think Chippendales etc), being a lapdancer is different.

Having said that - I think both are pretty seedy

[sleeplessinstretford]

i don't think my dp would go to a lapdancing place out of choice-if however,he was out on a 'do' and the pressure was on and he'd had too much booze then i wouldn't divorce him for it.
I'd be more annoyed that he was spending time with pricks who were into that kind of thing/spending our money on something i'd do for free for him if he asked!
seriously-the charlies angels who are talking about illuminating his spunk?? really? you think that's acceptable? do you also read his texts and emails?
I'd let him off this once but would make sure that he knows if he fucks up again you'll have his balls on a skewer over a chimenea before he gets his 'i missed the last train' out his silly drunken mouth...
i don't think lapdancing is all that bad-it's an easy way for a dumb man to become seperated from vast amounts of cash.

[lal123]

"it's an easy way for a dumb man to become seperated from vast amounts of cash. " - what makes you think these men are dumb? Saying that the men are dumb implies that its the women who are in charge - which just isn't the case.

[KingCanuteIAm]

Dittany, I cannot believe that you are using two seperate google searches as evidence of your point! Is that how you usually find your "evidence"? You are calling me "specious" then saying something as silly as that, you are very amusing!

Lal, in some cases yes, in others no. Same as most things there is good and bad (well IMHO bad and worse with this one but that is just personal feeling)

[gingerbunny]

My husband had a lapdance on a stag do (with my consent) ande he didn't come home covered in makeup.
He should be more considerate when you've just had a baby, your emotions will still be all over the place and you have enough on your plate with out being kept awake worrying were he was all night.
I would have killed himn for that, without even considering what else he'd been doing. he needs to grow up and start taking some responsibilty for himself and show some thought and concern for you.

[HappyWoman]

but i generally do think the woman are in charge. And whilst the men do know what they are doing - they also like to appear to be lead by others (especially when found out).

[lal123]

King - I think Dittany's point is more to show the general difference that exists between male strippers and female lap dancers - and is one well made.

[sleeplessinstretford]

any man who goes to a lap dancing club is a fucking dickhead-particularly one who is 6 hours late for his curfew and who has an 11 week old baby and a lovely wife at home...
seriously-the men who go to these things are absolutely not in control-ultimate control in these places go to the owners (usually men) then the women working in them and then the dickheads emptying their wallets while some fake tits get jiggled in their direction while the owner of said tits mentally runs through her shopping list.

[weebob]

I'd be well pissed off. I hate lapdancing bars with a deepest passion and db knows that.

Regardless, it was bang out of order for doing it. Esecially when you have 2 children at that age. I dont think it's a good idea to split up over it. If it was me though, I don't know how long it would take me to forgive him.

And for the record....Lapdancers aren't supposed to touch but do, often. I live in Scotland and the place is full of lap dancing bars and sauners. In some bars you're given the choise if you'd like any thing 'extra'

There was also a undercover programme on tv, a while ago. It showed you lapdancers and what they actually get up to

[HappyWoman]

sleepless - if only these men knew that before they went.

I also know for sure that a lot of lapdancers do offer 'extras'.

My dd has a fantastic body (she is early teens) and to put dh forever i joked and said 'well dd will be able to put herself through uni if she keeps her body, she will be able to get a job at a lapdance club' The colour drained from his face.

[aGalChangedHerName]

DH knows i would be livid. Not a divorce but would lose respect etc.

Men definitely cover for each other in there circumstances and the no touching rule?? Does anyone think that's always enforced?

I don't at all. I cm'd for a lap dancer and there is more than looking going on.

Would men who go to lap dancing etc be happy for their DW or DD to be perved over i wonder?

[aGalChangedHerName]

There will be the usual suspects along in a mo to say it is only looking lol

[Haircut100YearsAgo]

I have name changed. I posted an almost identical thread about 18 months ago. My DD was just 8 or 9 weeks old and I found out my DH had been to a lap dancing club in Moscow. I found out as he accidently dialled our home number from his mobile, so I heard all the sordid details.

It took me a long time to forgive him for that. It was not just him going to a lap dancing club, it was the lies and deception he employed to try to make him not look like the utter c*nt he had been (didn't work though).

We have moved on and I do trust him. Still made me feel completely terrible at the time (and for several months later).

Your H needs to be honest with you. You will know if he is lying to you - I would hazard a guess that he does remember exactly what went on and is trying to bury it as he knows how disrespectful he was. I am sure that he, like my DH, will try and turn this into your problem. Your issue. It is not. It is his and he is the one who needs to explain himself and do everything in his power to put things right.

[aGalChangedHerName]

I remember your thread Haircut

Has your DH said he wont do it again?

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

OP - just tell him what I tell my kids - you get into more trouble for lying than the thing you are lying about.

[Haircut100YearsAgo]

DH has said he won't do it again. Given the fallout the last time, I very much doubt that he will. But then a paid of silicon tits seems to be too much temptation for some men. Particularly if they believe they won't get caught.

The thing that gets me about Gmakes3's H is that he stayed out until 5am, and was out of contact for several hours. In what world does he think this is a reasonable, responsible thing to do?

Gmake3, you need answers. I am afraid you are likely to be able to rest until your H talks to you.

[MorrisZapp]

This guy needs a massive kick up the arse. His cover story is irrelevant - what kind of parent gets so drunk that they can't answer their mobile?

What if you had an emergency?

It's appalling behaviour.

And anybody who thinks that lap dancing and the Chippendales etc are 'the same' doesn't live in the reality that I do. I've lived all my life in cities, and know countless men who like to go to the 'chicken dippers', yet in all my days I've never heard of any woman going to see a male stripper.

And if they did - would they ask for a private dance? Pay extra for the guy to wait outside for them? Hardly.

Do places exist where lone women go to look at sad looking men who don't speak English pretending to hump a metal bar? I seriously doubt it. There are 'saunas' all over Edinburgh and I know for fact that women don't use them to pay for sex - men do.

[frogwatcher]

Personally, if my dh stayed out all night while I was left at home with two young children (or at any time come to that) without prior arrangement or discussion and keeping in touch to say goodnight or something (check on the kids etc) I would lose such respect for him that I would have no hesitation in leaving. Just a personal opinion and one I know most people wont share and I am not suggesting the op do it. But I would. My dh can do what he likes, but childcare and our life is a partnership and as such we need to know where each other are or roughly what they are doing. I was so proud of my dh when he once walked out of a strip club once he realised where he was. He got a bit of stick for it - but apparently (according to a mate) he told them 'why would I want to watch another woman strip when i have the perfect one at home'! And I am far from perfect - a fat old wife to be honest. But still. At the end of the day, only you, the op, can decide what to do - some people will think it o.k or almost acceptable and others will think his behaviour outrageous. Probably based on what they are used to or grew up with maybe.

[HappyWoman]

yes the being out of contact is not acceptable.

What if you said 'yeah' i did the same thing at home - got so drunk i actually didnt hear dc as they woke up during the night.

[KingCanuteIAm]

But dittany, you are responding to the points I made - am I not allowed to respond then, just accept what you say as some kind of gospel? Whatever.

[HappyWoman]

frog i think i too would now up and leave as i too see parenting as a partnership.

At least learn from this and please dont let him make you out to unreasonable in the future for his behaviour.

Set your boundaries and make them clear from now on and hopefully he will never disrepect you again.

Lets hope this was his one mistake and he will have learned from it too.