DH STAYED OUT ALL NIGHT AND....

[Gmakes3]

Wanted an impartial opinion.Will try to keep it as short as poss. DH went out from work for dinner with 2 men and said was comming home at latest on the last train (11.30). He staggered in at 05.00 and made no sense what so ever. I had tried his phone at 02.30 and it was switched off, I tried again at 04.30 and it rang and went to v/mail. I could not get a coherrent answer from him when he came home. I went to do some washing and the shirt he'd put in the wash was covered in make up. After much pushing from me he says hes txd one of the men he was out with and they went to a lapdancing club. Hes obviously had a dance. I feel as though hes cheated. He thinks its bad but not bad enough for me to want to split up the marriage. I have had comments like "Its the first time I've done anything like this" and I was drunk and can't remember it" which he seems to think absolves him. I don't know what to do. Oh to top it all we have a 2 year old and an 11 week old. Honest opinions please.

[wannaBe]

tbh I would go belistic at the not getting home until 5:30, that's before you add the make-up into the equasion.

How far was he supposed to travel on the train? Because if my dh goes out in London, 11:30 is the last train of the night. At some point in the night the trains do stop running (even the underground), so if he didn't get in till 5:30 I would seriously be wondering whether he'd caught a train home with someone else...

I just can't get my head around these men who stay out all night when they have wives and children at home (same applies to women btw), or the partners who put up with it.

My dh occasionally goes out in London with mates from work. But he always gives me an idea of what time he will be home, or if it's going to be a late night then he stays with a colleague. But if he didn't and rolled home at 5:30 in the morning I would be seriously pissed.

[KingCanuteIAm]

Yes, of course, totally different, in no way similar, at all
I will crawl back to my "stupid" rock now...

[AnyFuckerLikesItUpTheBum]

dittany, some male strippers go quite a long way

[megmums]

It seems that he took no steps to hide his make-up covered shirt? If he had tried to hide it then I would feel much more suspicious.

[AnyFuckerLikesItUpTheBum]

I am just pointing out Dittany, that not all male strippers just flash their willy at a distance

some of them do do what a female lapdancer might do

[Rindercella]

Just a thought, but just because some strippers do actually do a bit more than just strip, does that make it right, or make the lap dancing ok? If Gmakes3 is unhappy that her H has (apparently) been to a lap dancing club, then that in itself is a problem for their marriage. She has very recently had a baby. She needs her husband to act responsibly and not to go out on all night benders, coming home covered in makeup.

[KingCanuteIAm]

Ahh, I see so it is different because there are not enough buildings full of them, yes, now I get it...Oh, hang on, no I don't.

Dittany, I am very familiar with your own peculiar brand of bullying your way into being "right", however, that does not mean I have to fall for it.

Clearly you hate lapdancing, great, fab for you. I am guessing it is from some kind of "female oppression" stand point, even better, well done. However, having these poor oppressed woman ideas does not change the fact that some woman do quite similar things - it does have a more socially acceptable "sheen" applied to it though so I can see how you may have been sucked in.

[Mumcentreplus]

I think both are equally LAME...but female stripping can have a special kind of seedyness (sp?) ..for one you never see a male stripper going around a pub with a pint glass..

[AnyFuckerLikesItUpTheBum]

< shrugs and wanders off >

It does my blood pressure a world of good to never strive for the last word with Dittany

[slyandgobbo]

pint glass?

[LaurieFairyCake]

The first thing that strikes me is that I would not automatically take his word on the lap-dancing front - I would be taking a good, hard look at his finances to rule out hiring a prostitute.

And if there wasn't enough money gone from the account I would wonder whether he had picked up a woman in a nightclub and cheated.

I never believe the not remembering thing either - when I was drunk when younger stuff always came back over the next couple of days.

I do know that the explanation he gave would not be the last conversation I had with him about it.

[WesternBelle]

In terms of exactly what's gone on, I don't think you will ever find out for definite. In which case, if I were you, I would park it up in your mind that it was a foolish lapdancing expedition and the whole excercise is not to be repeated.

I would let him know in no uncertain terms how completely unacceptable his behaviour is in particular staying out without letting you know, coming in at 5am AND being unavailable on his mobile to boot.

Don't drive yourself mad over it, you have 2 DCs one of which a small baby to look after and you need your mental stamina for that.

[Rindercella]

Gmakes3 has come on here - Relationships, NOT AIBU and has asked for advice. She has not asked for a debate on the semantics of lap dancing/stripping. Please, can those able to help her do so, and those who want to argue the toss start a new thread. Tis only polite, surely?

[LaurieFairyCake]

And I would be checking his underwear for ejaculatory fluid - you can get a spray to show this up.

It also shows up whether there is female fluid (that has remained on the cock after sex)

[KingCanuteIAm]

Clearly you have been to the wrong strippers dittany, as for desperate? Best look closer to home for that dear.

Reality said it better though - including getting back on track to the OP.

Gmakes3, SGB is right, one evening does not change everything that has happened in the past, please take the time to weigh all of that up too. Ultimately though it comes down to this, can you get past that fact he has been to a lap-dancing club? Can you trust him next time he goes out (or come to trust him given time). Are you prepared to allow him to try to make amends as it really is all on you here. If you are not receptive of his atttempts then it makes no difference what he does, if you are then you need to work out what you want from him, what he can do to try to make thngs better for/with you.

[AnyFuckerLikesItUpTheBum]

you are right rindercella

[slyandgobbo]

Actually, do people really get so drunk they actually cannot remember where they have been? How often does that happen in real life?