Narsissistic personality disorder

[therealme]

I'm English, living overseas. I'm married for 17 yrs and most of that has been pretty awful. I recently 'came clean' about my abusive relationship with dh on a parenting site where I live and I have had my eyes opened for the first time that maybe it's not all my fault anymore. I have blamed myself for everything that has 'gone wrong' in my marriage - although I have genuinly messsed up on more than one occasion.

I received a lot of support from people but didn't believe I was worthy of it. Then somebody suggested I google Narsissistic Personality Disorder and that is the moment my whole world changed. For the very fist time I began to see that maybe it wasn't ME that might have all the problems. I saw my 'perfect' dh described in black and white and the words 'personality disorder' were attached to his behaviours. To say the ground shifted from under me would be an understatement.

So now I find myself at a turning point in my life. I know I have to end my marriage. It's emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. I now recognise that I am a shell of the person that I once was, have had the life blood drained out of me, but still have enough of a spark in me to want to fight for some peace of life at 42! I have 3 children whom I love and adore - but who also love their Daddy. I'm living financially independently from my dh who refused to support me financially after ds 2 was born 6 yrs ago. I want him out of the house and out of my life!

I've made my mind up, but I am still so weak when it comes to taking action. I have spent so long living in a confused and guilt-ridden state, does that make sense?
Is there anybody out there who has experience of living with a narsissistic partner? How do you make the break? How do you ever find the strength to stand up to them in order that you might have some quality of life left for yourself? Please advise.....

Oh, hello, I was wondering what happened to this thread.

I know I didn't post on here a lot but it was this thread which gave me the push to leave XP, and although it took 3 months to find somewhere and get everything sorted, I am much happier now. DS seems more settled as well. XP has reverted back to "perfect man/father" and sees DS twice a week, sending him back reeking of aftershave ALWAYS with his new girlfriend in tow, who apparently he slept with only a few days after we split up.

Hey you - thought I'd update you on my progress - since it was this thread that gave me the guts to go sort my life out

Divorce is now well underway. He has decided not to fight it, or the fact that I've filed for unreasonable behaviour.. which is all good - except he is going for the house and the kids as am I. I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep the house but not overly concerned about the kids..

I nearly fell off my chair when my solicitor rang and said he'd suggested mediation. His lawyer has proposed it and he's agreed, to look good, but I did overhear a phone call to his Mum saying "I don't want to do bloody mediation". I have expressed my concerns as to how he will behave not during the sessions but thereafter but we are each being assessed to check its the right and a safe way forward.

At home things are quite calm. We don't speak unless we have to, but it is mostly civil - for the kids whom he still fawns over... one more so than the other..

But get this. He wants custody or at least 50% but he's gone away for work for 3 months!!! So I have the house to myself, have moved back into the main bedroom, had a big clear out and am loving it.

Havent felt so calm in years, I can cook the sausages how I want, load the dishwasher how I want, organise the laundry how I want, come and go as I wish - internally I feel so elated. I also qualified for single persons tax credits so am no longer having to survive off my paltry income!

I have relaxed, bought a few new cloths, am no longer comfort eating so trying to get trim again..

The more I take control of my life, the happier I'm becoming. I'm starting to recognise the old me and its exhilerating because the old me was a decent capable person - now I can't believe how downtrodden I'd become.

Anyone else readign this thread - please know that it can be done and life can be good again.

You take care therealme x

Maggie, that's chilling if it's true. The idea that SN children could be exposed to someone like that is really horrible to contemplate. There's another thread here where an NH is now working as a psychic of some sort; it's not unheard of for them to get super-involved with people 'under the skin' so to speak, or to think they are able to effect cures, read minds, etc., but chilling all the same. Course, many have the ability to find and push buttons remorselessly.

I really hope that that is not TRM's x. This roly did start a thread to say his x had been talking about him and their break up and should he reply to the thread? That was the only thread I saw that could have been the troll thread....

But I could be going out on a limb here, I don't think it is him. I saw that screen name a while back too. TRM's x only discovered RC recently. I probably make a very bad detective. better ignore me!!

Maggie I don't think that is him. He is more likely to start a thread called 'My wife called me abusive but how can I be when I'm a super sensitive guy who works with abandoned children....?' Or something like that.

And yes, he does work in residentual child care. He knows all the jargon, has read all the books and can out psycho-babble me at the drop of a hat.
He is also persisting in his quest to become a foster parent. He says it will give him the lifestyle he wants ie, to give up his job and potter about the house. I have no comment to make on that

So being a foster parent is all about him, eh?

Violet101: It's the little things that mean so much when you can call your life your own.

Bertie: Well done

glad it's not Roly. I think a lot of people presumed it was your x and he might have been confused by the stength of feeling from people advising him to back off

ps, does he have a house to potter round now?!

No Maggie. He is living in his mothers front room rent free so he can save for a house deposit. He has never been able to save in his life.
As a result of his cramped living conditions he cannot have the children overnight and is refusing to be a 'MacDonalds Dad' and take them out for visits.
He wants to visit them in my home and is threatening to start the 'My wife was so awful to me' thread if I don't comply. Personally I think this is his ploy to remain in physical contact with me. He does not seem willing to cut me off and has been going overboard with his reasonable behaviour, bearing gifts etc.

I know a smear campaign/thread would not be the worst thing I have had to endure if I stand up to him and say no, but I also don't think that will be the last of it. I am allowing him to visit the dc this afternoon and I will literally stay in my bedroom while he is here.
I'm just so tired at the moment. I'm looking after 3 dc with no break and no family around to help out. This afternoon will be a test. I don't know if I have made the right decision or not but I need a couple of hours break for the sake of my sanity.

P.s Hello Violet and Bertie! I thought of you both often x

You need more support, don't you? Any hope of drumming some up via the kids' networks, or through your doctor?

It is a ploy to get his foot in the door, TRM. Presumably life is not so cool back at Mammy's. March right in there and tell him his time is up the minute it's up -- you could announce five more minutes when that point comes. Then afterwards, tell him it didn't work well and it won't be happening any more. He can't force you to agree to this, TRM. If he starts threads about you on a forum, which is basically a public place, you can accuse him of harassment.

Is there any respite available for you given your DS has SN?

What a nightmare for you, squirrelling away in a bedroom while he invades your space! grrrrr on your behalf.

does he refuse to have the children at this mum's house then? I think you are too good to him letting him see the children at your house. That is above and beyond TRM, you are too good to him, NOT that he will ever appreciate it of course.

If he tried to start a smear campaign against you on rollercoaster he'd get a shock. i don't think anybody would stand for that. he wouldn't get air time. Who that is important to you in real life would believe any nonsense they heard from him?

I get a domicillary care allowance for my mildly autistic son. i'd be careful mentioning that on cc&t on rollercoaster!! as i know some people would think, oh another benefit, how nice for you being a sahm getting opfa, children's allowance and a dca!! but if you are on the list you should get an amount of money which is supposed to be enough to pay for a holiday.

When you are back on rc, start up a thread about babysitting exchanges. I don't drive but I would happily babysit for any other single mum who lives in the same town as me.. we should find out who lives near whom..
Babysitting is a CRAZY price!! More than the meal or the night out often! I did it for years for a mars bar and a £1!

math, it must be very hard for him at his mother's my heart bleeds. either he reins himself in and is civil and respectful to his mother, OR he vents his frustrations on her and she sees exactly what TRM had to put up with for nearly 2 decades. hmmm tough one! my heart bleeds for him!

Oh Maggie, but you must remember we are dealing with a mother of a certain generation here. She is pious in the extreme. It is her duty to help her son and not question. Honestly, she IS the holiest woman in Ireland. And I am the devil incarnate....

I was refused the dominicilary allowance. I have been reliably informed that the advisory board to the DCA were made up of experts representing physical disabilites and hence those of us with children that suffer 'mental' disabilities are not recognised. Not since social welfare took over payments anyway.

What annoys me the most is his refusal to take the dc out for access visits. Ok, so his mam's house isn't ideal for visits, but he chose to live there! It is convenient for him to live at his mam's rent free but not convenient to take the kids there. So he expects me to accommodate him by allowing him access here. When he unleashes his usual middle of the night texts analysing my behaviour he ends it by threatening to start a thread on RC to ensure I allow him to visit the dc in my home.
He is still calling the bloody shots!! It always boils down to the same thing - him getting what he wants. And if I am to be brutally honest here, I am scared to refuse him. That has always been the pattern. I stand my ground to a certain extent but back off from going the whole hogg because I am afraid of the lengths he will go to to get what he wants. He has always got what he wants. I have been witness to his deviousness over the years in relation to other people. He is intelligently calculating, will bide his time. I'm afraid of him, don't know what else to say?

I would be very worried that he is setting this up so that when things next go to court he can say "oh TRM cant be that scared of me as she lets me visit the kids there"

Plus it gives him the chance to check things out around your house and use that as potential ammunition.

I would be fighting to get him visiting the kids away from your house asap. He has no reason to visit other than to use it against you one way or another.

You have a solictor - use them and insist all contact goes through them - anything will be viewed as harrasment

What a nightmare. Is his mum's house tiny? doesn't his mum want to see the children? It's an unbearable situation for you.

That's a bummer about the dca. I reckon mine is for the chop soon. My son is only mildly autistic. They are getting meaner and meaner with it...

I hate to think that you're still afraid of what he could do to you. What's the worst he can do? Trash you to all and sundry? Or hit you?

If he trashes you he'll make himself look like a bitter ol' bastard. Do you have many mutual friends? You aren't working right now so he can't jeopardise your job. I know he's a loose cannon, but try not to be scared of him. Easy to type I know. my biggest fear was that T would drown the children because he hated me more than he loved them. My fear now is that he'd take them back to the UK and I'd have to fight a long expensive court battle.

What is the absolute worst case scenario for you? the worst thing you can imagine if you put down your foot down about him coming to your house all the time?

Maybe it would make him very angry if you did that, but are you afraid of his rage on its own, or what he could do..

If he started a thread on RC he might get a shock!! You're very popular. Like everybody's hero and little sister at the same time. You've been really honest. You didn't trash him. People would wipe the floor with him. I think he knows that. Call his bluff, tell him 'it's a free country, go ahead, start a thread on rollercoaster'.

Keep all those texts and the e-mails from him TRM. Chances are that he will overstep the boundaries and start harassing you.

I would also be inclined to call his bluff about starting a post about you, and let the chips fall where they may. He would have to tread a very, very fine line to avoid crossing over into harassment of you if he started a thread. If you have a record of his threat to start a thread, take it straight to your solicitor.

I agree not to let him into the house, because it makes it look as if you see him as harmless, or at least not a threat to you. You can insist on him taking the children somewhere else or forfeiting the visit -- ask your solicitor though, but I think it's unreasonable for him to not take the children to his mammy's and to insist on coming to your house, having the chance to poke around, look through your stuff, try to find anything that would warrant calling SS on you, looking for a trace of a boyfriend, etc. And it's also bad and confusing for the DCs to have him coming and going like that but they don't get to see where he lives.

You are going to have to keep on training him wrt his behaviour. You are going to have to keep on drawing and redrawing the lines for this man, in bolder and blacker ink every time. He will always try to push against you, always seek the weakest spot in your armour. If you give him an inch, he will take a mile.

What's the worst thing he could do to me?

Ok, so I have been pondering this question.
Yes, I am concerned that he'll try to discredit me on RC. That sounds a little paltry, but that site and the people who helped me on it have been my lifeline. I never wrote on an intenet site before posting on RC. I was quite unprepared for the changes it brought about to my life. I had kept all these feelings and truths about my life secret for years thinking that I was a terrible person who deserved the treatment I got. I really threw my self open to condemnation by writing the 'appaling truth' thread and never expected to be given so much support. I fear him contaminating it, if that makes sense?

My ex is a seriously devious man. He manipulates people and circumstances to meet his own needs. Not only that, but he is widely read and self educated in understanding how the mind works. He is very good at his job in caring for kids in residentual care. He knows how the system works, how the agencies operate, the jargon to use etc. He can dismantle my credibility in a heartbeat. He knows things about my childhood, my previous mental state, my weaknesses.
My biggest fear is that he will build up a dossier to discredit me as mother to my own children.
He will show I have mental failings, have suffered depression and been in a psychiatric hospital. Have been suicidal.
He doesn't drink, I do. He has arrived with bottles of alcohol for me when he sees the kids - I can only asume this is part of a bigger game plan to show I am alcohol reliant - which I'm not! but will admit that I have a bottle of wine over the weekend while alone in the house in charge of the kids.

He once threatened to put 'revealing' pictures of me on every lamp post of the street where I taught.
He has contacted my brothers to say he thinks I am having an affair.
He threatened to report me to social welfare for claiming whilst living with him. Showed me the letter he'd written out too.

He will find some way to take my kids. That is what it all boils down to. That is why I am afraid.

TRM, if he starts a thread about you that reveals any personal information or tries to use anything you've mentioned here against you, he'll be eaten alive. All you have to do to post on RC is register -- you have friends here who can all post on your behalf and expose him for what he is.

Everything he could possibly use against you in an attempt to discredit you is stuff he could write about anyone except mother Teresa. Mental health issues? A drink at the weekend? If he tried it, it would show him up as the absolute loser that he is -- it would actually discredit him to have started the thread. Course, he probably can't see it this way because he really believes himself to be the victim in all of this... People are not so easily fooled that a smattering of jargon or dragging in a few references to his caring profession would convince them that they are dealing with some sort of martyred saint here. If anything, that sort of posturing would raise suspicions in Ireland post church abuse revelations.

If he tries to post anything about events in your childhood that are sensitive to you he stands in danger of being lynched. There are lots and lots of Irish people who have gone through childhood traumas and that sort of exposure would just not be tolerated.

But using a public forum to write anything identifiable about you is harassment. You already have that letter he tried to threaten you with earlier. It's not in his interests to be seen to have a pattern of attempting to intimidate you. I would get back in touch with your solicitor and see where you stand on this.

TRM, are you seeing a counsellor? I feel you need regular consultations with somebody who knows how to help you put your experience in a real-world context - to put it in proportion, if you prefer.

Your whole post, above, positively throbs with fear. The problem is not the power he has, but the power he has over you. I'm sure he is intelligent, well-prepared and all the other stuff you said. But he is NOT superhuman! He's a weak and frightened human being, afraid of being nothing & nobody. So afraid of 'invisibility', he only knows himself by reflection: the more power he can gain over other people, the more he feels he exists. In short, he's a bully.

Of course, he's not 'nothing' and he isn't invisible. You can remove all of his power over you and the kids, he won't cease to exist. He'll be okay; he's just a sad & frightened little twerp. When I think of your ex, going by the picture I've built up from your posts, I imagine a small, wiry creature: a snivelling combination of deviousness, resentment & desperation ... I'm thinking of Gollum!

Don't be afraid. He's pathetic. Like Gollum, though - or like a rat - he'll snatch any leeway you give him. Not because he's clever; because he feels like he must own you or cease to exist - which is rubbish, naturally. Silly of him.

You don't need superhuman powers any more than he does. The difference between you is that YOU don't think you need them! Er, so which of you has the weaker grip on reality?
Exactly

You do need firm boundaries, TRM. Don't provide rat-runs. I definitely advise writing them down. There is no reason on this earth (or on his planet, heh) why you should cower in your bedroom whilst he plays Daddy with your kids, in your house. That's a NO! You have a boundary around your house, and you have the law on your side. While you're ring-fencing yourself and your family, stop responding to his texts, calls, letters & emails. Copy them and forward them to your solicitor. YOU are the strong one here; you don't need to "prove" it. It's already true. You have your home, you have your family. Everything's in place, build a 'ring of protection' around your life.
When he finds he can't through, he'll go and bother someone else instead.

I have no idea whether that meant anything to you? Something like it worked for me, so I'm offering it. Cheers and good luck. x

You are right maths. I have the letter and now a text in which he clearly threatens to 'go public' about me unless I allow him to visit the dc in my home.

I will have to contact my solicitor on Monday.

But....it's intimidating when you are on your own, you know? 17 years of being chipped away at, constantly hearing how you are failing, the criticising on a daily basis. The inferiourity complex that becomes ingrained in you! I automatically asume I am at fault. I have nobody to confide in that will allow me to measure things on a realistic scale. If he tells me I am a crap mother then who have I got to 'sound off' at?

At the end of the day I'm sat here in a suburb of Dublin with only my lap top as a means of arming myself against the next onslaught.

Mind you, it has got me this far. Let's not underestimate the power of online posting eh?

Thank you Grace.
I will go to bed with your post.

"the more power he can gain over other people, the more he feels he exists. In short, he's a bully."

This is resounding in my head for some reason. It kind of makes sense.

Going to bed to think about it now. Thank you x

wow. those fears are real alright. I wish you had more support around you, physically, not just online.

Maybe go to the gp and tell her that you fear he might try and paint you as a drinker (tell her about the bottles of wine he brings). If he brings wine, say "no i haven't drunk the last bottles yet". OR maybe go down to the gardai with a crate of wine and say my x keeps giving me these and I hardly drink!!. get it on record somewhere that you're not a drinker.

Actually, if he weren't coming to your house then he wouldn't be bringing the wine.

You weren't negligent. You always pick up the children on time and the teachers have never seen you drunk. The children aren't dirty. Their homework is done right??

can he say you took drugs?! can he prove it? who could ever really prove that!!

I have noticed that if anybody's x comes on to RC and tries to give a different perspective, they are just always criticised for invading their x's privacy. The original poster did the post anonymously and the other half has to find their own site/board .. and that is for less acrimonious splits! if your x ever came on to RC he would be crucified. People really admire you TRM. I think he has read the 'appalling' thread and has worked out that rc would be the wrong audience to slag you off to.

I hope you feel better after seeing the solicitor.

mx

Grace is right, he's a bully. You must stop him coming to your house because you need a place that is yours and feels safe. My legal agreement is very specific that my ex is not allowed to come into my house. He can come to the outside wall, but not the two paving slabs. Very pedantic, but very important to me. He knows he can't 'just nip in to use the toilet' or let DD show him her room.

I don't know the Irish system, but if it were me here in Britain, I would approach social services myself and explain your concerns. Then a file would already exist, they would see you for the rational, caring person you are and, if he did contact them (I don't actually believe he will) they can put it in context.

Good luck, sorry it's hard. Violet laughed about loding the dishwasher, you forget the myriad rules you have to conform to (and they keep changing and are unwritten, so exhausting). Yes, life does get better.

Hi TRM,
I am glad you are doing well. The visitation circumstances do need tweeking (with a sledge hammer ) as others have said.

I understand the fear of losing the dc...it is every mom's worst fear (I don't mean to sound dismissive of you/your situation). A long time ago on the thread, wasn't it discussed that a narcissist parent doesn't really want the children for various reasons (dc take the attention away from the NPD person)? Imho, I think he is using the children to manipulate/control you (again) when he has no intention of becoming the primary caregiver. Like a smoke screen. What became of his plan to adopt a child? Puff of smoke in a huricane?

I know it is perceived great risk to call his bluff because it does involve the dc and your greatest fear...however, I think he doesn't care about them sincerely or he'd have taken them out.

All the excuses he comes up with, again imho, add clarity to the truth. It is the actions that show the truth, the lip service is more pity party for him. Don't listen to it. He diserves no such consideration.