Ah yes, he loves sendng the e mails Maggie. I got an 'essay' from him this morning where he explains his need for me to be flexible with his access to the dc so that he can continue to be called into work in his extra job at short notice. He makes the point of saying I shouldn't have a problem with this as I don't work...
He made a lovely little reference to the fact that I was sexually abused as a kid and how he made an enormous mistake in marrying someone with unresolved childhood issues. How he looks forward to me getting into another relationship so I can see how somebody apart from him will react to me on an ongoing basis.
I'm pretty sure I had my faults and issues throughout my marriage, I would never claim to have been perfect. I certainly don't think I deserved to be treated the way I was though. I was unassertive as an adult and a people pleaser. I can see how this would appeal to an N. His behaviour was a lot more subtle in the early days of our marriage, he had ways of making me feel bad if I disagreed with him. He wanted to buy a run down house in another county to where we lived shortly after we got married. Expected me to commute from Kent to my teaching job in London. I said no to it and it was brought up constantly for the next 17 years as the reason why we didn't own a home.
We didn't have children for the first 6 years after marrying. This made it easier for me to always put myself and my needs second to those of my h. I was used to doing this as a kid anyway.
When I had my first baby it changed things. I found myself the sole carer of my son whilst still meeting all of h's demands too. When ds was 2yo I became badly depressed, I thought about suicide a lot, it was never treated. H would buy lavish gifts and then get angry that they didn't 'cure' my depression. He has never let me forget though. When the gifts didn't work he gave me ecstasy. That provided a false distraction from the depresion for a while. He got into some very dark sexual stuff at this time. Talked me into things I look back on now and cringe.
This whole period in my life was dreadful. I ended up having an affair with a 'friend' of my h's who he hung out with and took copious amounts of drugs with. The friend found me an easy target.
After each child was born things got worse. Our third child was conceived because we were using withdrawal as contraception as I was still breastfeeding. H decided not to withdraw because he wanted another baby, I was not involved in this decision.
Now I found myself single handedly taking care of 3 dc whilst still meeting my h's ever increasing demands. I became less efficient, tired, forgetful and unhappy. Of course h had a field day. He constantly critisised my 'incompetence' and lack of planning with the added bonus that I was an adulterer who had never made amends for my wrongdoing. His constant answer to my question as to what I had to do to be forgiven, was to say 'It's not up to me to tell you, you should know what to do'. Hence I was never forgiven, never allowed to forget.
And so now he writes that he hopes I get into another relationship so I can see how somebody else reacts to me on an ongoing basis.
He is justifying his behaviour of course. He would never have been verbally abusive, demanding, angry etc if I hadn't been the way I was.
I don't know why I just wrote all this down here, maybe it's because I want to see it all written down. Because it makes me feel better to tell someone else my side of the story, that I even have a side of it! And my version of the marriage, always dismissd and belittled by my ex, is real to me. It happened as I remember it, was as awful as I remember it - and wasn't all because of me.
My ex is always right. Everybody around him is inferior to his intellect. He lives in a world where to make a mistake is unforgivable. He set unobtainable standards and then criticised when others failed to reach them. In his eyes he should be living in a large house and driving a flash car and it is my fault that he is not because I was so incompetent I held him back. He spends copious amounts of money on designer clothes, expensive cigars and oil paintings because he believes he is entitled to these things and would have had them all and more had it not been for me!
His needs had to be met. He always found a way of getting what he wanted through deviousness and manipulation. Anyone who ever pissed him off was cut out of his life, erased.
My solicitor cannot understand the absolute detail involved in my ex's negotiations around access and maintenance. I'm used to this though - it is the way he does things to maintain control, there can be no room for flexibility where he is concerned, it must be black and white. He will offer nothing without getting something back in return, he calls it recipriosity, but really it means he can pull out of something if he doesn't get what he wants. It was the 'punishment' I endured for years if I failed to deliver.
I will end this essay now before it goes on all night. However I have found it a great source of relief to write it all down - even if no one reads it! It is free therapy so beware, I might do this again