Narsissistic personality disorder

[therealme]

I'm English, living overseas. I'm married for 17 yrs and most of that has been pretty awful. I recently 'came clean' about my abusive relationship with dh on a parenting site where I live and I have had my eyes opened for the first time that maybe it's not all my fault anymore. I have blamed myself for everything that has 'gone wrong' in my marriage - although I have genuinly messsed up on more than one occasion.

I received a lot of support from people but didn't believe I was worthy of it. Then somebody suggested I google Narsissistic Personality Disorder and that is the moment my whole world changed. For the very fist time I began to see that maybe it wasn't ME that might have all the problems. I saw my 'perfect' dh described in black and white and the words 'personality disorder' were attached to his behaviours. To say the ground shifted from under me would be an understatement.

So now I find myself at a turning point in my life. I know I have to end my marriage. It's emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. I now recognise that I am a shell of the person that I once was, have had the life blood drained out of me, but still have enough of a spark in me to want to fight for some peace of life at 42! I have 3 children whom I love and adore - but who also love their Daddy. I'm living financially independently from my dh who refused to support me financially after ds 2 was born 6 yrs ago. I want him out of the house and out of my life!

I've made my mind up, but I am still so weak when it comes to taking action. I have spent so long living in a confused and guilt-ridden state, does that make sense?
Is there anybody out there who has experience of living with a narsissistic partner? How do you make the break? How do you ever find the strength to stand up to them in order that you might have some quality of life left for yourself? Please advise.....

Yes final finances hearing. he would never admit he was in the wrong!!! He just showed the real him in court. He just could not help himself. The arrogance and entitlement was just bursting out of him.

It just showed me what I had been dealing with all these years was not an invention on my part. Because sometimes you do doubt yourself.

I have been quite ill since, so have not really had a chance to let it all sink in yet. I had a chat with my children about it, both older teenagers. They know I love them and will always be honest. They will be fine.

I grew up in a family of Ns, and I think I am okay ..ish now! I had no normal parent! Nor grandparent!! At least my kids have me!!!!! A balance for the insanity and lies.

I can't really relax yet as still have bills, rent etc to pay and have not yet received any money!!!

The judge was amazing... but then so was my barrister...and so was I!!!!!!!

There is hope ladies...just keep batting on.

xxxxx

Sorry trm, I do hope that my post earlier wasn't out of line, I was posting really quickly as I was on my way out somewhere.
You sound like you're really getting there, congratulations, it's brilliant. Keep it up.

Not out of line Minky, no!
Infact, it's almost as though I needed one more shot of proof since ex left the house that nothing had changed. And he hasn't, the manipulation and control continued with blackmail thrown in for good measure.
So yes, I know now for sure that nothing will change about the way he behaves with me. There cannot be any contact, I understand fully now when I read NPD literature what they mean by cutting all links.

When I am in court on Thursday I will be applying for access and maintenance orders.

GettingaG,
I hope you are feeling ok? That court hearing must have really taken things out of you. Already my head is swimming, I have an upset stomach and I cannot sleep longer then 5 hours at night. Part of me wants to run and hide and forget all about court on Thurs. I am bracing myself for the mother of all revenge attacks from my ex. He will get his 'stage' and he will use it to give vent to every little complaint he has ever harboured against me. He will attempt the biggest ever 'wronged husband' act of his life. I am nearly getting sick thinking abou it.

But I will take the stand and say my piece. I will publicise his abusive and nasty behaviour and then, if necessary, walk away with nothing but my dignity and head held high. I know now that no matter how 'bad' a wife I might have been in my marriage, I didn't deserve the years and years of punishments he served down on me. None of us on this thread did.

TRM, sending you every best wish, and happy b-day to your DS. You see Ns in their true colours in their treatment of innocent children, imo.

GG -- (and TRM too) your children are lucky. Try to stay well, keep healthy habits, because you're worth it.

Hi Therealme,
I hope your son had a Happy Birthday today. I also hope it was memorable for happy reasons and not for negative toxic narcissistic crap that I suspect you had to endure today.

Please know that you will be in my thoughts and many prayers for you tomorrow.

I am glad that you are still studying NPD. It is so insidious and tricky that I think it does take sustained effort to train one's brain in the truth. It is hard and strenuous, but we know the consequences if we do not make this commitment.

Good Luck!

will be thinking of you tommorrow therealme, what a courageous lady you are xx

morning TRM

Good luck in court.

I can hardly believe the 8th Oct has come. You've come a long way since June.
You'll go further this morning.

mx

TRM wishing you much strength today. Try to remain calm and just concentrate on the judge.

Agree with everyone you have come such a long way and although today might knock you back (though you might find it enlightening and maybe even empowering) you know that ultimately you are surging forward and creating a new and much happier life for yourself and the dcs.

Sending good vibes TRM.

Yes, sending a prayer your way.

XXXXXXX Fingers crossed and all the best.

I am finally getting back to you all, but it has been a long, long day so forgive my delay!

Well I survived it all anyway. He turned up to court with barrister in tow, but so too did I, although it would have cost him a lot dearer then me with no legal aid!!

My barrister spoke to his in order to ascertain what his whole 'angle' would be. Of course he had rewritten history; downplayed the 'death threat' incident almost to some casual off cuff remark, said he 'had thought he was in the house on his own' that time he threw the ironing board over the landing rails and down the stairs, even though he knew full bloody well myself and the dc watched him do it!!
I should not have been surprised. But it was the memory of him accusing me of having no honesty, something he prided and boasted about in himself ~ and then to have to listen to his downright dishonesty with the realisation that he was prepared to lie to a judge under oath....!?

So negotiations started. We offered to strike out the barring order (it was unlikely I'd get it) in return that he agree to a safety order.
This was accepted but he naturally had to then add his own demands re access to the dc. I agreed to set times, he wanted access to them in my house. I refused; it went back and forth.
Finally he backed down. Terms for an agreement were drawn up and I walked out of the court room this afternoon with a 2 year safety order without having to take the stand.
He left with a huge legal bill, the thought that he now has to find his own accommodation in order to see his dc, the realisation that he can no longer sponge off of his mother in order to save for his own house, and a legal obligation to never again threaten or act in a way that would cause me harm or else face immediate arrest.
Oh yes, and he won the fact that he will no longer be barred from a house that he no longer lives in or has any legal right to move back into!

I am relieved that it was settled before having to go in front of the Judge. I got what I wanted, but more to the point, I sent him a very clear message today; that he could no longer manipulate and control me to his own advantage.
As soon as I received my safety order I made my application for a maintenence order. He was supposed to have already applied for an access order according to his barrister, but that too was a lie, he actually scurried into the office behind me, saw my W A advisor and scurried back out again empty handed and very flustered.

I bought a good bottle of wine to drink tonight with my Mum to celebrate my success in finally taking back the control over my life. But do you know what? I was too wrecked to drink it! I'll save it for tomorrow; too drunk on relief and adrenalin right now I think!

Going to bed a happy bunny. xx

Huge sigh of relief for you, therealme.
Well done!!! I'm glad your Mom is there for you too.
Happy Day, very happy day.

Congratulations TRM! What a result. Incredible how they are willing to lie to anybody who will listen - even a judge. They really are little tantrum-throwing children-turned dangerous and ghastly adults.

You must be very relieved. However you will still have set-backs and probably some grieving to do for the marriage and the man you thought you had. You have been in fighting mode for the last couple of months and it sounds like you have not had time to go through other normal emotions.

I am still on a small roller-coaster of feelings even after 16 months and some days I actually miss the bastard - but I miss what I thought we had and the marriage I thought I had, not the real thing iyswim.

You need recovery time. It has been a fight after all and after any fight even under normal circs you will want to lick your wounds. Hug your children, reassure them, know that you have done your best for them and for yourself and keep focussed on the future.

Enjoy that wine. Keep posting when and if you slide back a little AND if you take more good steps forward, as we are all taking part in each other's journey on this thread I feel.

Hurray, therealme!!! Congratulations on an excellent day in court! That'll soften his cough! Pat yourself on the back for taking such a major, major step forward.

I hope his legal bill is huge!!

Do you think he'll take the children to him Mum's?

Excellent news TRM. Fantastic!

The thing about lying in court - it's because he actually believes it all himself. If I know one thing about these people, it's that they utterly utterly believe their own versions of events, however blindingly obviously not true, and that's why no relationship is possible. They inhabit their own reality.

It looks like you well and truly outwitted him. I like the tactic about conceding to strike out the barring order and settling for a safety order instead
If youve read the Samvak website it explains how narcissists donT care what the actual results are in court: they only want to feel that they`ve won, or got one up over their ex. That is their main aim. Again this goes back to them ultimately being incredibly stupid because they have no aims or goals for themselves in court; they merely react viciously to their victims aims and goals.
You are incredibly strong. I think the worst of it is over. You just have to grieve now for the man you thought you had.

Fantastic news Therealme! You and Getting A Grip have both had great results this week.

I hope that you both have some peaceful time with your DC's to re-gather your strength.

TRM -- Well done. I'll celebrate in your honour tonight too . So glad your mum is there with you and I hope she can stay a while.

I'm not sure where to start, but this thread is having a truly incredible effect on me. I feel like I've been swimming in a wild and choppy sea since I realised I was being emotionally abused (thanks to the aweinspiring EA thread this summer) and by reading this, I have found solid ground to come ashore to.

And I recognise the faces, especially the lovely MadameOvary whose posts I used to read avidly as well as many others who are here.

It really hadn't occurred to me that there was a link between my NPD mother who I cut off all contact with 12 years ago for the sake of my sanity (best decision I ever made) and my abusive ex and the way he made me feel. It has literally just occurred to me that maybe I am not as cold and selfish as I've always been told by my parents and my ex and that it might have something to do with them.

I've not had a chance to read the whiole thread yet because it takes me about 45 minutes to read each page as it is so illuminating and telling me so much about my life. But I'll be back!

Just caught up on your news TRM. Excellent to hear that court went well for you.

Having read this thread through now, I feel much calmer and clearer about things already. I just have this huge feeling of relief that maybe, just maybe I can listen to that voice in my head that says 'maybe it's not all your fault, maybe you are an OK person'.

So I have a question which I would welcome your advice on. I left my PD ex at the end of July. I had tried to leave twice before but was guilted into staying, we were together for seven years and have a four year old daughter. In April I spent a month in hospital following a collapse from the stress of being with him.

He actually blew his own cover by being so over the top and letting his extreme behaviour become blatant whilst I was in hospital and once I got out. It became clear to me that I would just have to take DD and go. To cut a long story, that's what I did and I have now moved to our nearby town and live a nicely settled life with DD in a new house.

In the first week I left, he sent me two civilivsed text messages - don't know where you are, hope you and DD are well. He accidentally caught me on the phone the next week and we agreed interim contact arrangements. Since then we have settled everything legally and will sell the house (but not on the market until next Spring at his insistence which is frustrating).

And that's the thing - it's all been so civilised. I know he is getting loads of supply from people (my old friends mainly) in our old village. He is playing the grieving father to the hilt. But no rage, games, bullshit; he's never even asked me why I left.

Can I relax, is it really over? Or is there a tornado coming?

Hi Queen. I'm so glad this thread has been of some use to you ~ it has certainly kept me sane over the last few insane weeks.

I am no expert on NPD behaviour, still learning from people like Unlikely and Gettinga grip myself! But something about what you wrote made me think about my own ex h here.
Is it possible that your ex still feels he has a link to your life because you co own a house? You say that he does not want to put it on the market yet. Will he ever? While you still own that house together he still has a link to you and a reason to stay in contact.
In my own case my ex h is using the fact that we have 3 young dc, and right up until the court hearing last Thurs he was still trying to get access to them in my house. As I refused to entertain this, full stop, I am now getting e mailed frequently to 'discuss' access arrangements, which he keeps changing in order to have a reason to e mail me!

Basically what I am saying is, my ex is still trying to keep the connection to me. He is 'putting me on hold' as I obviously still qualify as supply to him.
Is it possible that your ex is still maintaining this control of the situation because he knows you and he will still have to remain in contact because you will have to deal with your property together?

I think it's very wise to stay alert because communication of any sort with someone like this is by definition some sort of power game. If you want to get anything settled, with any sort of finality, hire a solicitor and make the house sale arrangements or access/ visitation arrangements through the solicitor. Never conduct business verbally with these men. They will never keep their word/ will not hear what you say/ forget what you say/ twist what you say/ deny things they said/ make up things you said over the phone or in person. The sooner you get business such as visitation or home sale arrangements finalised, the better. But do it through a solicitor -- he will respect the process and the arrangements (and you will have less hassle) if a solicitor (or a family law mediator) is involved.