Narsissistic personality disorder

[therealme]

I'm English, living overseas. I'm married for 17 yrs and most of that has been pretty awful. I recently 'came clean' about my abusive relationship with dh on a parenting site where I live and I have had my eyes opened for the first time that maybe it's not all my fault anymore. I have blamed myself for everything that has 'gone wrong' in my marriage - although I have genuinly messsed up on more than one occasion.

I received a lot of support from people but didn't believe I was worthy of it. Then somebody suggested I google Narsissistic Personality Disorder and that is the moment my whole world changed. For the very fist time I began to see that maybe it wasn't ME that might have all the problems. I saw my 'perfect' dh described in black and white and the words 'personality disorder' were attached to his behaviours. To say the ground shifted from under me would be an understatement.

So now I find myself at a turning point in my life. I know I have to end my marriage. It's emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. I now recognise that I am a shell of the person that I once was, have had the life blood drained out of me, but still have enough of a spark in me to want to fight for some peace of life at 42! I have 3 children whom I love and adore - but who also love their Daddy. I'm living financially independently from my dh who refused to support me financially after ds 2 was born 6 yrs ago. I want him out of the house and out of my life!

I've made my mind up, but I am still so weak when it comes to taking action. I have spent so long living in a confused and guilt-ridden state, does that make sense?
Is there anybody out there who has experience of living with a narsissistic partner? How do you make the break? How do you ever find the strength to stand up to them in order that you might have some quality of life left for yourself? Please advise.....

Unlikelyamazonian, I did not mean to offend you or somehow diminish your experience.

Your psycho x probably thinks he is winning/ has won. (No mind to what someone on 'that level' would define as a winning situation--cess pool .)

He has been out of your life for over a year and you do feel some measure of relief at that, don't you?

I guess it would be a sweeping generalization, but, yes, imho, anyone who gets free from the N in their lives (no matter who left who) wins.

They win their self back.
Perhaps people damaged by Ns do not see the significance of that after being conditioned to believe we are irrelevant. It is hugely significant.

Like Jean Luc Picard being rescued from the Cyborgs.

current go mad tune

another of my fav songs am a Wanker

[http://www.google.co.uk/search?hl=en&q=ride+a+white+swan+release+date&btnG=Search&meta= um]]

Text message sent by ex at 4.30am this morning, following phone call of fury because I dared to change my mind about delaying mediation and hence put a spanner in the works of his 'master plan No 4366'....

"I've had enough. I'm going to the police about the benefit fraud and I'm taking you to court over being drunk in charge of the kids and the emotional abuse while on prescribed medication. I'm not doing this anymore. Last night was the final straw. I'm not putting up with you any more therealme"

So, naughty me for not going along with his plans huh?
And how dare I change my mind - must be my terrible mood swings because, of course, I always went along with his demands in the past.
Is this a good example of ex's controling behaviour? ie, comply with my wishes or I will react with anger and threats. Don't dare to question my motives or integrity. Don't dare to get angry at me.

Slight repeat of many years behaviour going on here. I usually agreed to any of his decisions. If at any stage I raised questions or challenged that decision then he would react with venom-spitting anger. I would be 'put down' or threatened with repercussions that would make my life difficult. Consequently it was easier to just shut up and go along with his plan. Docile wife once again.

This is all I know as to how a married couple operate when making decisions. I never made any major deciions for the family. How do 'normal' spouses react when one of them has a re think and questions the other persons decision?

therealme, I'm not qualified at all to talk about what you've been through, I've been lucky to only come across NPD in an acquaintance (ex-colleague) But you asked how 'normal' spouses react...

Well I do have one of those. Actually he's pretty damned wonderful (which is not to boast, but to say 'and don't accept anything less for yourself because they do exist')

Firstly my DH does not have 'plans' for me, so I can't go against his plans, because there is no masterplan. Therefore it's impossible for me to deviate from his plans for me. I do as I please, but usually it pleases me to be kind to him because he is so kind to me that I look for ways to help him out if I can. He never expects anything though.

He has plans for himself of course, and then asks me what I plan to do, and we talk and compromise if our plans clash.

If he makes a decision and I later question it, he listens to what I have to say. If it's a sensible reason, or even if its a silly reason but I say 'I know it's silly but I'm really upset about it and would be so much happier this way' then he usually says 'okay'. Sometimes he'll say 'But have you thought about how this will impact xyz?' and I end up realising he's right, and then we go with his original decision. There's no drama involved - the biggest drama is if Liverpool FC lose a match and then he stomps around ranting to his bro on the phone about how nobody seems to appreciate the impact of the loss of Sami Hypia. Then he comes off the phone and clatters about with the washing up until he's calmed down. That's it - big drama in our house.

I hope that you have such a relationship one day (although maybe not with a Liverpool fan, they are a bit intense...). If you want to be in a relationship, of course. Either way, I wish you happiness in the future.

therealme - Is that the best he can do?
(Tuts, shakes head, sniggers)
You stay strong girl.
If it wasn't for the fact that its "engaging" in their behaviour, and that you cant out-psycho a psycho, in your shoes I would be sorely tempted to write back
"I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm very concerned about your behaviour and think you should maybe see a mental health professional. Oh and you woke me up you twat."

UA your post with the itinerary was inspired.
Shall we all start an NPD survivors Facebook group? Invited people only obviously.

I had to deal with a narcissistic work colleague and that was enough for me. You can not reason with the unreasonable.

I am also fortunate to have a loving and caring dh - and I have to agree, like becstarlitsea with me and my dh there is support but not abuse. If we disagree we work things out and he never issues threats. I can depend on my dh when I need to, but I am my own person. He never plays the blame game when things go wrong, why because we actually take responsibility for our actions and out treatment to each other.

The bottom line is that nobody should have to put up with abusive texts at 4am in the morning which are threatening ? and you should not ever have to worry about being verbally abused, threatened, mistreated, or otherwise put at risk.

Keep a record of all this rubbish as you may need it - but please remind yourself of how far you have come. You don't need this guy in your life.

Remember his actions - he has not helped you in the past - this car play stint is a delaying tactic for him to try regain influence. You are better off without a car and without him.

Spend time on yourself getting yourself through this in as positive way that you can. Take every care.

TRM he is mirroring you. You involved police and courts. So he involves police and courts.
Take absolutely no notice except to think up excellent strategies to make yourself feel better - like the one suggested re 'I am concerned you have serious mental health issues and you woke me up' which is a) true and b)true again

You are the grown-up here. He is a ranting toddler full of bullshit who uses grown-up- sounding threats. He might as well be saying 'I am going to drop my nappy and poo in your washing basket for this.'

Stay strong. You are doing really well.

Therealme - do stay strong - and it has taken amazing strength, courage and resolve to remove yourself from this situation. Your resilience has got you this far - so keep on moving - don't stop.

Thank you Bec and Snapple for those insights into your relationships. It has made me have a good wail, but in a good way! I spent yesterday trying to hold back tears while queing in the supermarket. Thing are getting on top of me and I feel on the verge of a crack up.

I spent a couple of hours talking to my Mum on the web cam ths morning. It really helped put things into perspective and clear my mind about the latest game playing manipulations that my ex has embarked upon. I have straightened out a plan of sorts in my head and am going to write it all down this afternoon. It will help me regain some control as to what I want or do not want to happen with regard to my ex. I want to safe guard myself and my dc and to stop getting drawn into ex's complex and grandiose plans. I need to keep him at arms length as all discussions about his needs and plans are recreating the same distress for me that I worked so hard to get away from.

My car is in intensive care so it's 2 buses to collect ds and 2 buses back again! But Mum is sending money to inject some life support into it, so all is not lost; I can keep moving forward (on 4 wheels) and battle my way through the next onslaught!
I still have some stamina and resolve left, he has not crushed me yet

I don`T know how much info solicitors/lawyers need but I would definitely keep the text he sent you. Presumably the time it was sent is also logged so it shows that his behaviour is unreasonable. He will not be able to have any memory loss regarding that text because you must keep it and use it if you have to. Please do not feel sorry for this guy. There is time for that after you are done and dusted with this divorce and then you can pity him from afar.

Hey TRM, for what it's worth my knob head dick brain ex left moved out in Aptil probably won't forget the date as it was one week befor my 40th..... sigh

Anyway for months he did the jekyll and hyde thing, one day calling me names , blaming me, smashed up my garden, keyed my car, (not on same day) then he would turn up in tears, distraught at what he'd lost, suggessting we got married and forgot all the trouble promise to seek councilling, then when I didn't jump to his calls (or dared to go away for a few days with a g friend) he lost the plot again, honestly it was a roller coaster from hell.

The awful thing in retrospect is that in the first couple of months I actually believed him when he said he'd change, start councilling etc I thought he was having some sort of breakdown, I mean WHY would he just up and leave? Thing I realise now is that if I'd said yes straight away to him coming back he would of done, shudder, and it would have been worse than ever, because I kept saying it would take time to work thru tho obviously he couldn't invest the time because he knew his cover was about to be blown.

His lieing was reaching new and extrodinary heights too, about minor irrelevent things , which in a way is more worrying/irritating than his huger ones.

Anyway, his last contact was about 4 weeks ago, he called to tell me he'd reported me to the police for fraud (I'd forged his signature on reg documents for a scooter I'd bought for him on my credit card and had sold back to the shop at huge loss) He knew I'd sold it, was fine, but later called the shop to see if I'd been lieing about how much I'd got for it!! FFS...anyhow I just said fine, I'll sit and wait for the police then" and hung up, and that was the last I heard of him! Gone!

And it is soo much easier now, my shoulders are no longer around my ears waiting for him to march, or stroll down the path, I'm fairly confident that we'll never hear from him again as he has no real ties around here, and I feel incredibly lucky for that.

I see now he genuinely had no feelings for his DD, and that seeing her was a way to get at me, I would MUCH rather she has no father than him.

Sorry, Long,, my point is, just to reiterate what others have said, If no contact is possible, have none. If you do have to have some contact show him no emotion, no reaction, I cringe now at the times I'd break down and cry in front of him in the early days,the endless text arguements, realise now how much he would have enjoyed it...

You're doing so well, I know once I really got the NPD thing it all became clear and ithink he knew that and thats why he disappeared, keep going I think every day you have no contact with him it'll get easier and easier....hopefully for you he'll FUCK OFF disapear too

And UA.... you are feckin hilarious, and should definately have a coloumn in one of the sunday mags , replacing all those simpering oo look at me I've got kids and a dog and I'm useless ho ho fucking male ones. or maybe that's just The Observer... knob

Also..
Really really warmed my heart and cheered me up to hear how happy successful equal partnerships work, I shall definately bare that in mind when I next embark on a relationship (somewhere around 2020. ..possibly)

Walking away emotionally, physically, takes awareness and preplanning. Some days you are going to get caught off guard. Also the exhaustion may come from being hypervigilant as you know what you are up against.

I think you are seeking the right support and managing your expectations. Your ex, as a narcissist, will never do something that is not in his best interest.

I think if you can remind yourself of that then maybe, just maybe you won?t feel blindsided when he acts narcissistically, and you?ll be able to keep your wits about you.

I?m no expert here but the car offer is all about him IMO.
There is nothing wrong with a good wail - and hey a supermarket is as good a place as any to cry in.

and oh the joys of public transport... good luck with the car repairs.

stay strong - try get rest

therealme, just to say, if you ever need to chat on the phone I'd be happy to give you a call. just shout out here. Glad you've got your Mum to talk to tho.

I just spoke to one of my oldest friends who told me her hubby saw my ex looking miserable at a bus stop.

If he'd stayed with me he'd still have a car. He hates buses.
Hahahahahahaha. [childish but satisfying]

Hi Therealme, for you. Time is marching on, though, and it will be 'done and dusted' sa Sakura said. Hang in there-
Fwiw, my favorite f-o phrase is "pound sand".

Digitalis-sorry I have not answered your questions before now.

My mother was bi-polar, paranoid, and an alcoholic. She was not available to me emotionally much beyond when I was five.

Oldest Sister was abused by mother physically and emotionally.

Middle Sister was the 'golden child'.

Oldest Sister's first marriage (20 years) was to a man that did not respect her and called her "stupid" all the time. He had some characteristics of N (very selfish), but we don't think he was one.

She moved out when the inheritance came through. Started a relationship with an old friend defore the divorce was final. Together 6; married for 4 years.
He had a very crap childhood, and has severe anger issues (didn't know how severe until after he moved in). He has an 'episode' every six months or so. Last time, he did slap her-first time- and isolated her (removed any tool she could use to get help). As her health is not tip top-she is now on heart meds-the situation is changing away from the 'tolerable'. She is working on being emotionally detatched from him. And hopefully will physically detach soon.

She has had counselling, and is my enlightened witness concerning Middle Sister and mother's abuse.

TRM, have you got any of his old payslips at home??

Are you worried about the benefit fraud thing? Do you have text message proof that he's been holding that over you, threatening you?

Hope you're ok.

It's like a bloody of game of chess 'til it all calms down - Trying to figure out what their next move will be and how it will affect you.

Looks like he's skipped forward to the part where he shows his true nasty colours. At least this shows you absolutely that he wasn't looking for forgiveness or another chance. ONLY COMPLIANCE.

UA that letter - did the friend show it to you? Did he have the 'measure' of your x?

Therealme: Hang in there

The fact that he seems to think he can't have the DCs overnight is actually great for the children, because an N parent is never a good one -- you should be dancing jigs on behalf of the children.

The texted threat with the references to your mood swings, blah, blah, is absolutely to be expected. N's only understand human interaction in terms of power playing. He sees himself in a giant pecking order all the time. Above him are the Guards and the courts, below him are you and the children. He recognises the legal term for his actions and will never acknowledge to you that he did anything like that because that would give both you and the law a stick to beat him with. Your attempt to have him admit he behaved in a criminal way is interpreted by him as a power play attempt by you, a threat to him, not an effort to find emotional closure or understanding. He has no time for any such human concerns. He uses the threat of calling the Guards on you as a power play because he thinks everyone operates the same way as he does: in his mind you getting the order was a power play by you -- now he will do a tit-for-tat manoeuvre and call the guards. They have probably been waiting for his call: every abuser in history has claimed he was only a poor, reasonable man trying to live a quiet life despite the madwoman he has somehow been saddled with by cruel fate.

You have that Order. They don't give them out without good reason. Keep every text he sends. The texts themselves and the times he sends them are all useful to you. 4 am is a completely insane time to be texting anyone. Get your name down for the mediation asap. I don't think it's legal for him to record any calls you make to him or conversations you have; as far as making a memo to file, that's probably ok, but you should do the same -- don't let his version go unchallenged. If your cal included details about his rages, window smashing and property damage, it's unlikely he will have noted down all the details...

TEM, I totally agree with Mathanxiety, a text at 4am to tell you that you're abusing him!! It's ridiculous of course, btu also, kind of, almost funny. Or, it will be one day.

I hope you had a good break away before all of this kicked off.

To answer question re the letter from xh to his friend, no the friend didn't show it to me. I have ways of finding things out.

Whatsmore, the friend, who is an editor at a distinguished pubblishing house, is still giving h plenty of highly-paid freelance work.

Laughably, this work means writing cover copy for academic academic books - many of them about values in education and principles within teaching blah blah. Hilarious as h was sacked as a teacher for gross misconduct, has no principles whatsoever, is a thief, is currently trying to schmooz his way into some of his student's knickers, has sex with teenage prostitutes and is about to go off for a holiday jolly to visit one of them, while his live-in girlfriend presumably believes all the crap he must be telling her.

Pip-pip!

UA I won't ask.

The fact that he had to spin such a poor me angle to leaving his wife to his boss is quite embarrassing I think though. That email was hideous! REally cringey!

How did he spin robbing 20k???

oh he didn't mention that!

One day I might drop a line to a few of the authors letting them know what sort of a man is being paid to spin copy for their books.

Or, perhaps it'd make a fun little piece for Private Eye .... I'm not sure the editor would look too clever if it got out that he is personally enabling h to live his shag-fest lying life by putting so much work his way.

Yes, tempting!

I'm going to be in London this wknd, and I am so, so, so, so, so tempted to spraypaint "deadbeat" on my x's house. I don't think they'd understand "npd"!!!!

But he lives on a tree-lined avenue of victorian houses in a nice burb of london and he's told everyone who'll listen that I'm mentally ill, and abducting his children etc.... Really painted himself as Pa Walton and painted me as Kerry Katona.

I am trying to push the thought out of my head. But come on! am i going to be extradited back to the UK for spraying deadbeat on his car/house?

tell me it's a bad idea.

I don't care THAT much what my old neighbours think. SO I it wouldn't be worth it I suppose.

when I say 'they' I mean his neighbours.