Narsissistic personality disorder

[therealme]

I'm English, living overseas. I'm married for 17 yrs and most of that has been pretty awful. I recently 'came clean' about my abusive relationship with dh on a parenting site where I live and I have had my eyes opened for the first time that maybe it's not all my fault anymore. I have blamed myself for everything that has 'gone wrong' in my marriage - although I have genuinly messsed up on more than one occasion.

I received a lot of support from people but didn't believe I was worthy of it. Then somebody suggested I google Narsissistic Personality Disorder and that is the moment my whole world changed. For the very fist time I began to see that maybe it wasn't ME that might have all the problems. I saw my 'perfect' dh described in black and white and the words 'personality disorder' were attached to his behaviours. To say the ground shifted from under me would be an understatement.

So now I find myself at a turning point in my life. I know I have to end my marriage. It's emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. I now recognise that I am a shell of the person that I once was, have had the life blood drained out of me, but still have enough of a spark in me to want to fight for some peace of life at 42! I have 3 children whom I love and adore - but who also love their Daddy. I'm living financially independently from my dh who refused to support me financially after ds 2 was born 6 yrs ago. I want him out of the house and out of my life!

I've made my mind up, but I am still so weak when it comes to taking action. I have spent so long living in a confused and guilt-ridden state, does that make sense?
Is there anybody out there who has experience of living with a narsissistic partner? How do you make the break? How do you ever find the strength to stand up to them in order that you might have some quality of life left for yourself? Please advise.....

No advice, Bertie, but my sympathy with your dilemma. And I'm rather impressed at your integrity in wanting no part of your p's inheritance.

therealme, I just wanted to say that it's a privilege to watch you blossom. Yes, you fall back into old patterns, but you're getting better and better at spotting them and fighting back. After all these years of brainwashing, it's a testimony to your intelligence that you can struggle through and achieve clarity.

Can I please ask what that is.("commitment ceremony/handfasting"). Excuse my ignorance.

Wasnt there a funny thread a while back, we all mercilessly took the piss out of his handfisting ceremony!!?

Yep, right here.

But must stress handfasting usually done by nice loving couples, not twunts like my ex!

Hi Ladies, thankyou for even acknowledging me, wasn't sure if I was just butting in...

Gonna be all or nothing to post, after the kind of high of recognising X's personality etc, today I just feel crushed and devstated again, exhausted in a head exploding kind of way.

Interesting to add about NPD in the family ,I didn't think I did at all I have mostly a great supportive family, tho my late father was bi polar in the days befor it even existed... he had "breakdowns" was sectioned for a while and then was "better" finally it was diagnosed as manic depression which is now re named bi polar. He died when I was in my early twenties, it's only recently I've realised there's a big hole where "my dad" should've been, I've acknowledged that I get a stab of jealousy whenever someone talks about their father, I don't really remember any sort of relationship with him, my mum was the only real parent in our home, tho she was bloody amaing... my biggest "memory" I have of him is that we didn't talk to each oter for 2 yeasr whilst I was in my early teens, TWO YEARS! I used to kind of wear it as a badge of honour that I was that stubborn and in control, suddenly I look back and think fuck, I was kid, he was my dad,

and now I get a great big fucking stomach kicking wrench whenever I hear mention of how important daddys are to their little girls, only now it's with regards my girls never having a daddy,

suddenly a whole big can of nasty forgotten worms has opened, and I don't know whether tears are fo X or my Dad or my Girls or me

Nice to know tho, REALLY nice to know There are other intelligent sensitive independent women out there who have been suked in too, so hard not think "fuck me the warning signs were in NEON CAPITAL LETTERS why didn't I see it?" Think I'm beginning to understand why, Thanks x

ps ! sorry to just invade and splurge about my feelings, just you're right, as greta as my RL friends are it's difficult to suddenly talk about all this to them, and my thoughts have been endlessly going round and round and round and... there's so much more I see a bit clearer now, just needed to get bits of it down somehow

Hello fucka (!)

When I first realised what my entire family are and also what my ex-H and his family are, it was such a nightmare time.

It was a huge relief, and a shock from which I never thought I would ever recover.

Nearly three years later, I am beginning to accept it, and I can see these people, and interact with them, without it sending me insane. I never thought this would be possible. The more I have learned about how they operate, the more it helps me to deal with them. It is impossible for me to go 'no contact' with any of them, for various reasons, but even though I do see them, I am 'no contact' in my head.

I used to have nights when I couldn't sleep, and I just used to wish throughout those hours that it would all just go away, and that I had normal people in my life. I was suicidal, all the usual stuff.

Now, it's not so bad as all that. I am a different person now. All the guilt that I was carrying around for no good reason has gone. Every interaction I have with my Ns can be analysed afterwards and their actions placed into the pattern they always display.

In a funny sort of way, it's comforting that they are the way they are, as I know now that whatever I do or say, they don't really get it, or care about it. They care only about themselves, so in a way I am free!!!

I am beginning to see now, that I may even have a chance of a life in the future. There may even be people out there who love me!!! Just perhaps!

I just wish I had found all this out years ago, when I was younger. But I didn't, so there is noting I can do about that now. The internet is a truly wonderful thing.

I suppose that I have reached the acceptance stage of whatever process I am working through. And what I really wanted to say was that it does get better!

xxxxx

Hi fuckadoodle,
Your reference to the neon signs reminded me of when I first learned what NPD was, waaaaay back in....god was it only June??
Anyway, I posted a message on a thread I have going at home here and said that having read the list of common behaviours in Ns it was like having a 'big neon sign pointing to my h.'

I still can't get over how I lived with him for so many years and didn't bloody know about this PD!! I mean, I never even considered that he might be the damaged, flawed fuck up here! What does that tell you about my upbringing? Definately no N's in my family that I am aware of - but a very controling mother when I was a child, and a pretty useless Dad who lived in his own little world (and who also died when I was in my early 20s but contributed very little in terms of positive memories for me prior to that.)

My main objective since I discovered the 'N world' existed has been to learn as much about it as I can. Finally I can understand the 'what the fuck just happened to me?' question that has eluded me for years. But better still, (oh so much more satisfyingly better!) I can now get inside my ex's head - I can read his devious behaviours, his 'innocent' suggestions and carefully worded comments - and I know that it is all about him.
He is no longer the perfect superior man who could do no wrong, he is now powerless in my eyes. I do not fear him anymore, I don't give a feck as to what his opinion is about me or on anything for that matter. He has lost his control over me. Ha ha ha!!!

(Not gone mad btw, not drunk either! Just a bit giddy from all the freedom after so long!!)

Therealme, your post has made me smile it is soooo good when we realise that this supposedly complex, angst-ridden, fearsome being that held such control over our lives...is actually just a one dimensional loser with behaviour so odds-on predictable that bookies would weep.

Therealme,
Not drunk on alcohol, but definitely, finally drunk on life,
like never before,
like an exuberant child within,
you (we) are deliciously alive.

Both my sisters have the same bday-2 years apart, recently. I sent them both boxes. Received thank you notes today. Oldest sister sent a card addressed to everyone. Lovely Middle Sister sent me & dh a card, and individual cards to ds (16) and dd1 (15).

Neither of them opened her correspondence, . So today I read them.

She said she went to a national park and came face to face with a bison. She is the type of N that the safety rules of 'stay away' from the wildlife don't apply to her. Bison didn't want anything to do with her either . (Sorry, I crack myself up sometimes.)

Anyway, the thing that bothered me about her missives, was the "I would love to hear from you" line in all of them. She put all of her contact info in dd1 & ds's notes, as if I would prevent them from contacting her. If she thinks that, then she doesn't know me. She doesn't know me, because she is/was too busy degrading me to ever listen to me.

"I would love to hear from you" ?? wtf- if she wanted to hear from me, she could pick up the phone and intentionally call me...
So this is her having the authority to have me jump through a hoop to prove she still has power over me.

Now I kick myself in the backside, because I did briefly have the thought that maybe I am thinking too much into it! Ugggh! When will this go away?

Sorry, therealme, for rambling on about myself on your thread.
I am so happy for you that you have lost the filters that have been caging your existence. No fear: BRAVO It sounds like the enmeshment has been dissolved, evaporated, annihilated, "disposed of properly". CONGRATULATIONS!

Gettingagrip-I reread your post

"three years".

Then I am about half way there, probably add 30% because I am me and make some things more complex than they need be...
so...
Sept 2011- hey, I'll take it.

I was also thinking about the fellow I dated for 3 1/2 years in college (early '80s) whom I was briefly engaged to. I am pretty sure he was an N and was wondering if I still suffered effects of his influence so far removed. I do still think about him from time to time in the context of "Thank God I did not marry him".

The mind games, sabotage, degradations, using personal information against me, prophetic predictions. I think the relationship was to maintain my state of numbness that I had established before leaving home from the emotional deprivation from my mother. In fact I was numb through most of college, thinking about it. Clues ignored-I should have changed course of study-a mistake I regret now.

I think the negative effects on my self-esteem may have established patterns that have lived on for years. The development of anxiety, IBS, chronic broncitis-physical manifestations of stress. Since marrying dear dh and becoming a sahm, those have mostly disappeared.

Yes my IBS and digestive and eating problems have dissapeared too since cutting my narcissist out of my life. (not an eating disorder- I just couldnt eat ! Id feel full straight away then get this weird churning in my stomach.)
It frees up so much extra energy that you never knew you had because you were wasting it all on a soul-sucker.

I only discovered it after I left too. And to think how many magazines I read! None of them ever brought this to my attention.

They really should do a feature on NPD>

Fuckadoodle do, I need these boards so that I can discuss this stuff here, and then appear lighthearted, easy going and normal in real life It's a valve, totally. My friends' problems would be so entirely different from my own, but with this 'valve' we can meet in the middle.

I think I did see the signs and I even recognised them as something not right, but foolishly I thought I could handle him. HOW WRONG I WAS. Unlike a lot of people on this thread, my childhood was happy, my parents are happy and supportive, but I had just come out of a relationship with a man who ended it with me cos he just didn't love me enough and I was devastated. My npd x was a rebound. But I got sucked in. What should have been 3 months turned into over 8 years.

Hi all

this is an interesting read. Quite short. Takes about 5 mins.

The link may have been posted before. Even if it has it's worth reading again

Thanks for that...

[http://www.chameleongroup.org.uk/npd/help.htmlthis]] is pretty amazing too - from the same website.

try again

this

Hi Curious - I'm not sure that I agree with the gist of that article, especially this part
"There is this big question: Why is the beginning of narcissistic relationship so grand? This again, is actually - well in hindsight - an easy question. The beginning is just as grand as you make it, because you do most of the running around. The sex life is as good, as you are. The fun is as much fun as you are. The conversations are just as good as you can be. It is all centered around you, and the narcissist just watches and goes along with everything".

I have never done the running around at the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist, I have found them to be all excitement and passion and big ideas, later that all changes and the blame for this is subtly and then, later still, not so subtly put onto me.

Also this part
"narcissists are generally people who have been spoiled as children"

When I think of the narcissists I have known, some have been spoilt, not all, but they have been concurrently neglected in some way. i.e. spoilt by a parent after a traumatic divorce but the abandonment from the other parent being traumatic, obvious and painful. There is also the type that Wendy Behary describes, spoilt and rewarded only when they achieve at something that pleases their otherwise ungiving parent.

Very Interesting UA

Two points leap out ....

First , that you have to defeat the N to get them to leave you alone. This is true, and what I meant when I said.. find their Achilles heel and hit them with it hard. I have done this twice now with Ns and it does work.

Second, what they accuse you of is what they themselves are doing. They are projecting of course. When you can recognise this, it becomes so easy to ignore their crap.

xxx

AnAuntie

It is good to agree/disagree with these kind of pieces. That is absolutely not a problem - in fact it is a must - so that we can each learn that we are dealing with these Ns on a spectrum.

I posted the link because I think it's helpful (has been for me anyway) that we see and read all the varying ideas/experiences out there re NPD.

I disagree with bits too. But aint it just fascinating and as TMSB said, just really good to be able to discuss it here and away from RL friends who can't take it in if they haven't dealt with an N.

I have a proposal: the first actual physical meet-up for us survivors/victims of NPD. I could organise it and get a couple of speakers. (Not along the lines of sam vaknin though Not yet anyway. If he a self-proclaimed one and this meeting should be N-free )

We can make it simple and over a weekend maybe so that we can have time to relax too.

I could organise childcare for those of us with children in tow.

It could be in devon where I live to start with, to make it easier for me to organise?

It's only an idea. What do we think? Therealme you could do a talk on your light-bulb moment and saint GG you could be the clever one because you have done so much research {} and I could say something about being utterly abandoned, we could go for a blustery walk on the beach. I can sleep about 7 in my house (some girls sharing. sorry) or if there was enough interest I would book somewhere and try to negotiaite prices etc.

As a former journo I could make a stab at getting some publicity too??

But disregard that last point. In the first instance, would anyone be interested?

If there are any takers then I

Just read that back and there are lots of 'I's' in it.

I'm not one honestly. {it's like trying to convince yourself that you're not a sea-monster }

great links earlier! so true. the projection thing... "you are abusing me" when has been other way round...

latest from exP (N?) after i sent a msg saying "dcs will meet you with xxx (supervisor) at 6 pm" (he has supervised contact at rpesent)

if we cant stand in front of each other on our own and have a decent positive caring and constructive conversation we are no worth it the children we got and need help. we should be ashamed.

i just think that we can change things and start something new by talking. i feel hurt and abused and that has been the case for the last two years. at some point it was so much pain inflicted and so intense that i self harmed. now you know!

(he did self harm in june-july 2007.and into august 2007. not sure of his dates there. i dont know if he self harmed since august 2007.

UA Ryanair do cheap flights to Bristol, Birmingham,,, I'd love to go to your conference! (I was thinking Bristol was near Devon, but I think was confusing it with Exeter - no ryanair flights to exeter (keep out the riff raff). If your plan gets off the ground, I'll be packing a little rucksack (55cmX38cm of course)

That's a good link UA. If I was ever in any doubt that my x was a narcissist, reading that is like reading a clinicial analysis of the years I spent with him. His deep-rooted feelings of inferiority which he dealt with by acting so superior all the time, He chose me because I was not only on the rebound but because I always regretted not having done better at school etc, I made it easy for him by in some ways already considering myself a failure, but YET, I was very capable. Not too strong though! and I couldn't drive and I earnt much less than him... OH I was handpicked by him for my weaknesses.

My x wasn't just a Narcissist though, towardds the end he was a physically agressive NPD, so the issues were all clouded for me to begin with.

Maggie, that's 2 so far then for my conference.

You and me.

They will come