He's cheating again!

[Coper]

My H had an affair that lasted about 18 months. I found out and he eventually finished with her. However he had at one time told the kids he was leaving and had upset them etc.
Now 1 year later I have discovered he is seeing her again. I was devastated the first time around but I feel different this time. He doesn't know I know yet. He's with her now and has made up an excuse to be away until Monday.
I have calmly carried on today as if nothing has happened. The children have only just recovered from when he told them last time. I think they will be different this time.
What shall I do?
We had just been away on hol and we had a great time. I had started to believe we were going to be ok.

Where is he now? Is he still at home? Have you told anyone in RL you can trust to give you some support. Thinking of you.

Please book that holiday, and make sure you use his money to do so. See, I think it might be better to ask her how long it has been on for, because at least then you won't be speculating forever. But then again I am the type of person who obsesses over every last detail so I am perhaps not the best example

I still can't believe she was happy for him to either dump her (ie choose you) then come back, or for her to share him with you knowingly, to the point where they were supposed to be having a romantic weekend yet he could phone you each night. Bet she doesn't know half of it - but I am sure she will find out in time.

coper Just read this and really feel for you.
I agree with MCD dont call the ow - she will only lie to you.

This is a fear i have - and i know how i would cope - just like you - you dont have to be super woman - it is ok to fall to pieces from time to time.

BUT you do not want him back do you? Protect yourself now and build that wall to keep him and his lies out - you deserve that at least.
You dont have to hate him and in fact when you feel indifference it is better.

The ow will never be able to trust him and will hate him coming to see you and the children.

He will now want you to see him as the victim - but he is not you are. And dont worry about peoples pity - believe me they will feel more pity if you stay with him again.

Stay strong and let us know how things go.

I would never ever have him back, he has seen how much this destroyed you last time and has done it again. Sounds like they are well suited!! Stay strong, I know we cant help who we fall in love with, but it has to be both ways, a marriage should be relaxed and trusting, you cannot build on a marriage where you are always treading on egg shells in case he does it again.

I was so devastated when my h did it to me but Im a different person now and if he did it again after seeing me and the kids go through so much pain, then I wouldnt even waste my time talking to him. To be disrespected is so hard it leaves you with low self esteem and no confidence, for this to carry on is quite frankly nasty.

i agree debs I know i have changed so much and i just know i wouldnt ever let him do it to me again. I have made it perfectly clear that if there was ANY contact with ow that i was not aware of it would be the end.
My h says he still lives in fear that she may well contact him and that i would find out first - sorry but that is the price you pay when you cheat.
The very least he should have done is to be totally open and honest about any contact so that you would not have even had enough doubt to want to 'track' him. That says a lot really - you already knew you couldnt trust him - he knows the rules too and yet he couldnt really give a shit.

Hope you are ok though.

And another one here who knows with absolute certainty that I could not forgive again. I can just about accept that it is possible to cheat undiscovered and still love one's partner, but once you realise the pain you have caused and have seen your spouse in agony at the revelation - I would know that he didn't actually love me at all if he did it again. Therefore, the decision to end the relationship is an easy one.

For you Coping, it's the living with that decision that is probably causing you so much pain, rather than the cheating itself. Please don't falter though. By the sounds of things, this man never truly made amends and there's a world of difference between saying sorry and acting sorry.

I imagine you feel that 22 years is a lot to give up on and you might even feel he has wasted and ruined your life. But please, don't waste a minute longer on this excuse for a husband and father. Your kids won't thank you for it and you need to set an example to them now, that will teach them that their mother was worth more than this.

Be courageous now and use those funds to buy you a peaceful home for you and your DCs. I know you probably can't imagine it now, but you will meet someone else and you will no doubt wonder why you spent so many years with your H. He's obviously got a whole number of addictions (you mention drink, drugs and OW) and no-one can rescue someone with this many problems.

Of course, your H will bitterly regret all this, but that will be his penance.

I was interested in what SGB said about your H's venomous feelings to the OW. My H despises the OW himself, but he hates himself more. He now takes full responsibility for his actions and although he can see how awful OW was, he completely acknowledges that he was awful too. I think it's entirely natural for couples rebuilding their marriage to hate the interloper, especially if they have behaved horribly afterwards, but I think the most normal response for a truly contrite person is that they simply never want anything to do with the OW again.

In this case, I think that's academic anyway, since this line he's given you about wanting to hurt the OW is clearly bollocks.

Even if you were to give him the benefit of the doubt with this ludicrous story, the fact remains that he spent the day and night with OW because either:

1. It started up again
2. It never finished
3. He is a sadist who enjoys women suffering pain at his hands.

Would anyone want someone like this?

I too was interested in what SGB said about hating the ow - my h says he does too but also like whenwills h he hates himself more. I think that what he means is he hates having to even think about ow as it reminds him what a dick he really was - and now he can see that if the ow was ever a friend she would not have 'helped' him in his affair (what true friend wants to destroy their marriage?)

However i also do think having said that men do like to think that their wife is a saint and ow wicked, but then after all isnt that how the ow wants it too (is seems to be the game that many of them play to get the man in the first place). Can you imagine if the ow said come back to mine for a bit of sorting out the childrens clothes for school - or some such thing.

All those online dating sites out there make it so easy to cheat now, its the temptation, guys can't stop. I found my hubby using www.eliteaffair.co.uk and went nuts at him.

He says its just harmless fun and wouldn't really do anything as if because its on the internet it doesn't matter. Ahh but what would have happened if I hadn't caught him huh?
Imagine if I was the one looking for an affair, like if the tables were turned imagine how he would react, lol maybe I should and teach him a lesson...

You are doing really well. Start packing his stuff and definitely see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings (even if you don't follow through with it - you will hopefully frighten him silly).

at that site " find a tarty mistress" " one night stand" , wtf??? chrissy id put his balls in a vice if i caught dh on that.... talk about a lack of respect , or self respect ?

Any update Coper? Hope you are ok

Hi. I can't read all the responses, so I'm just really replying to your OP.

When you ask what you should do - do you mean about finding out? or do you mean long term? Sorry if someone already asked this!

When you decided to track your husband,which I understand, what did you think you'd do if you found out he was seeing another woman?

I know what I think and what I'd do, but it's easy when you're on the outside. You have to do what's in your heart. But, whatever you do, act with dignity and self-respect and try to be rational when talking to him.

Inmy opinion, I don't think the lifestyle your husband is choosing to have is not compatible with family life and so he's choosing to leave the family by his actions. Put the responsibility onto him. So, ifhe has to leave, tell him he's chosen to leave, he's chosen to end the marriage. You haven't chosen those things.

Just realised it was posted a couple of weeks ago - hope you managed to work out what to do.

You really just neeed to think of yourself and your kids right now. He's obviously not thinking of you guys he's only thinking with his "Di*".

Everyone has given such great advice and I really do not have much more to add except to say, if he is willing to put her as his priority then you and the children will never be at the fore of his mind. His own self gratification matters more to him.

You have not posted since Tuesday and i just hope to God it's because you've managed to allow him to sweet talk you back to him.

Stay strong and think of yourself and your children.

All the best.xx

Sorry for not posting. You have all given such good advice. I have seen a solicitor and the wheels are in motion. We still haven't told the children. I'm so dreading that part. I have even looked at some houses and booked a holiday for me and the kids. He says he wants us to stay together one minute and then he says I'll never trust him again. I just don't understand him at all. I really think he has a problem. How could you expect someone to believe you once you have lied so many times. We are in the same house at the moment and are able to act as if everything is ok - I don't seem to have any emotions really. I read somewhere it's not hate that ends a marriage but indifference and I certainly feel indifferent.

well done coper - good luck with the holiday - you will so much better once you know you can do this on your own.

He is saying he wants to stay with you but that you wont trust him - the alternative is to admit to himself that it is HIS fault and until he is ready to accept that he will not be able to make it work.

He knows what he had to do to make it work and he couldnt do it - it is not about you not being able to trust him at all.

Good luck and keep us updated.

What an absolute waste, he couldnt change and probably will never beppy without you and the kids. You need to think about yourself, you gave him a second chance and he blew it. I agree with the indifference, its the only way to describe still loving and caring for a man who can treat you so badly.

A holiday is the best thing, what a nasty piece of work he got mixed up with, no woman should ever wreck a family to feed her own insecurities.