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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's cheating again!

142 replies

Coper · 18/07/2009 18:31

My H had an affair that lasted about 18 months. I found out and he eventually finished with her. However he had at one time told the kids he was leaving and had upset them etc.
Now 1 year later I have discovered he is seeing her again. I was devastated the first time around but I feel different this time. He doesn't know I know yet. He's with her now and has made up an excuse to be away until Monday.
I have calmly carried on today as if nothing has happened. The children have only just recovered from when he told them last time. I think they will be different this time.
What shall I do?
We had just been away on hol and we had a great time. I had started to believe we were going to be ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coper · 18/07/2009 23:53

thanks blinder - I will do that.

OP posts:
blinder · 18/07/2009 23:56
Original poster
Coper · 19/07/2009 00:01

That's great Mrs Pickles I will look at that link.

OP posts:
k850plus · 19/07/2009 00:15

I am so sorry to read this - it's so damn common, makes you wonder if there is truly a decent oneout there!!

My hubby had an affair 10 yrs plus ago - lasted 6 months, I knew it was going on and let him get away with it. Then he finished it, we have struggled for the last
5 yrs and he did it again very briefly about 18mnths ago, long story wont bore you, but I really wish I had done something about it right back the first time. It's been shit for years, I can;t forget or forgive, it just keeps eating away at me and I am now a very unhappy and often unpleasant person whenever he is around I don't want to spend any time with him, sex is an absolute no no and I can't beleive I let it get to this.

I am trying very hard to get things together now and planning on leaving asap - so my advice would be stick with your decision, get yourself organised, remember how little respect he has shown you and your kids and get out of the relationship. I don't think he is worth anymore of your precious time.

Good luck

abedelia · 19/07/2009 00:17

Coper, so sorry your mood has crashed. Step away from the demon wine - I didn't drink for weeks after I found out about my H and his nasty little secret. obviously, it's a depressant and so made me feel suicidal Yuck, though am way past that now. Take each hour at a time and remember, you were clever enough to catch him out. You should be pround your children have a smart and decent parent (even if the other is a mangy waste)

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 19/07/2009 09:04

Coper - just realised your username. Remember it. You can cope and you will.

Nothing wrong in giving someone a second chance. I did it after I was hit by my boyfriend and I was glad I did as I knew straight away all feelings had gone. I had been left with what if? feelings about someone else and didn't want a second situation.

How are you feeling this morning?

Has he phoned you?

I think you need to get practical as I am sure he will be trying to access money, etc etc and you need to have what you need for the children.

Is there someone who can be with you to offer you support and help with the children while you get on?

GossipMonger · 19/07/2009 10:34

How are you doing today Coper?

did you (ex)H call you back?

What are you plans?

treedelivery · 19/07/2009 13:26

Hello Coper.

Have had no mn to catch up on you [argh!] but hope you are chilling and cool-n-the-gang.

Original poster
Coper · 19/07/2009 13:33

tried to post earlier but it wouldn't work. I am ok. He did ring at 1 am. Said he was stupid. wants to talk to explain to me face to face - today. The signal was poor so there was no time to speak - probably for the best. However, he is still there so is in no great hurry to try and save his marriage. I think i'm in deial. slept quite well although have a horrible cold and massive headache.

OP posts:
treedelivery · 19/07/2009 13:37

Ha!

I am going to be cruel here, and I'm sorry if this is harsh. But did he want to talk face to face to expain before or after her spent the night in another womans bed? Was he going to fit this chat and quickly talk you round before or after they finished their wine and headed to bed?

Presumably the nice lie in this morning and whatever breakfast she cooked him was more of a lure than the saving marriage thing.

Arse.

Hold on to these realities, they will keep you strong when he tries to manipulate you into staying and keeping his house tidy and his kids fed as he lives it up with the other woman.

Original poster
Coper · 19/07/2009 13:44

TD I know - yes he wanted to spend the night there then have a lovely long lie in. Then in the morning another shag. Discuss how crazy in love they are and how it's impossible to stop seeing each other. And the maybe he will decide to face me maybe not. The good thing is I'm not fazed anymore. My love for him has been destroyed and I see him for who he really has become. I used to imagine they had an amazing time. I know think its just sordid.

OP posts:
treedelivery · 19/07/2009 13:51

Well, again. You are right and strong and dignified.

Let us know how you get on. And if you need a chat, chat away! There will be lots who have had break ups here who will have specific advice for you if you have worries.

Keep the faith x.

RumourOfAHurricane · 19/07/2009 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SarahL2 · 19/07/2009 14:24

Nothing to say but Good Luck Coper. Here's hoping MN and your RL friends can help you to cope with this too. You deserve so much better

Doha · 19/07/2009 14:58

"He has been stupid" in what way does he mean?? Getting caught, giving his marriage another chance, risking loosing his wife and family or thinking he could live with out OW

Regardless he is a Twat.

You have coped so well so far but l hope you have his bags packed ready for him when he arrives--preferrably out on the street. Regardless of what he says l hope you will not permit him another night under the same roof as you and your DCS, Let him explain to them why he is leaving before he goes back to her again. Well where else will he go to.

It does sound however he was intending to resume life as normal after this weekend with the stroy of a music festival and nightly phonecalls-what a liar.

Just a thought could he be running about trying to sort out the money just now. I know it is a Sunday but his online banking accounts could nbe getting closed etc. You need to get finances sorted ASAP and get talking to a solicitor in the morning.

Thinking about youu today

treedelivery · 19/07/2009 15:27

I think this is his property, a sort of grace and favour with the job type thing?

If so, I wonder what your plans are? Or haven't you got that far?

I am worried that come Monday and the resumption of normal life, it will all just slide back into the comfort zone [his comfort zone] and you will learn to live with this man. You are worthy of so much more, and your dc's are worthy of a better role model. Do not let them spend a day too long being lied to, ultimately learning that women put up and shut up. Its the wrong message for both boys and girls, and maybe why so many men think they can have it their way. This is not what you would choose for a daughter, this is not how we want to our sons to behave. Show them, lead from the front.

Shitty Sunday for you, I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

HolyGuacamole · 19/07/2009 15:40

Aw Coper, sorry this has happened. Can't believe he stayed there last night after finding out that you knew. Tosser.

Life is too short to be spent with someone who sees fit to repeatedly deceive you. You and your children deserve better.

Wishing you all the best.

debs05 · 19/07/2009 15:51

Im feeling very angry on your behalf, but also I would actually feel abit relieved that you could get rid of him once and for all. I took my h back but Im under no illusions that things will ever be perfect. I would not be devastated as you are not, all the hurt and pain that you've been through and he's done it again, what a shit, you deserve better. Stay strong.

LoveBeingAMummy · 19/07/2009 16:04

Not sure there is anything I can say to help, just wanted to say that your doing so well keep strong

abedelia · 19/07/2009 16:25

Hmmm, I wonder what sort of woman she was to allow him to make nightly calls to you while he was under her roof. I wonder if she knew he was working so hard to keep his family together? Most OWs want the man to leave for them. Is she there when he talks to you about how he has been 'stupid'. Perhaps you should speak to her and compare notes? Could be she doesn't actually want him full time. Personally I'd go round with his bin bags of crap and dump them on HER doorstep. Put any porn vids or mags and his Star Wars model collection on top in full view, of course....

Noonki · 19/07/2009 16:25

Hi Coper, sorry you have had to go through all of this.

please make sure you protect your money. If you have joint accounts ring the bank and talk through your options.

has he come home? If not get in your head that you are the one in control. You get to make all the decisions. he does what you tell him.

hope you are ok.

He does not deserve you.

lisad123 · 19/07/2009 16:42

what an arse. Has he come home yet?

skyward · 19/07/2009 17:23

Everyone deserves a second chance - and if they blow that then they don't deserve another. He's blown his second chance and for your own sanity and for the sake of your children you need to speak to a solicitor and leave him. Hideous but necessary. Good luck x

aRLcat · 19/07/2009 23:21

Coper, stay strong.

This is absolutely not your fault, you did an admirable thing in working through the first time and extending to him the opportunity to join you in doing so.
He seems to have chosen to throw that opportunity back in your face, heartless, spineless, philanderer that he sounds.

Life with four young without a man like that is so much easier by far than life with four young and a man like that, in my experience.

In order to maintain a healthy parenting relationship, this man needs to behave respectfully towards you now. Immediately!

No lies and rubbish, demand this. Don't allow him the sanctuary of your belief or even pretence at belief in anything he tries to feed you. Snakes need pits to lie in, don't let his be in your home, your house, your head or your bed.

Don't seek your own sanctuary in the arms of the abuser that he is. You do not need his faux support, this man is not your friend.

Thinking of you x

oliviasmama · 20/07/2009 07:29

Prime Shit Head!!

He's a cheating liar, dump him and get you and your DC on the road to recovery and a happier life.