He's cheating again!

[Coper]

My H had an affair that lasted about 18 months. I found out and he eventually finished with her. However he had at one time told the kids he was leaving and had upset them etc.
Now 1 year later I have discovered he is seeing her again. I was devastated the first time around but I feel different this time. He doesn't know I know yet. He's with her now and has made up an excuse to be away until Monday.
I have calmly carried on today as if nothing has happened. The children have only just recovered from when he told them last time. I think they will be different this time.
What shall I do?
We had just been away on hol and we had a great time. I had started to believe we were going to be ok.

Hi coper,
I hope you are OK?

I hate this.
He is talking such rubbish.He says he wanted to hurt her for the things she made him do and how it hurt his family. It's so ridiculous. I have told him I will never be able to believe him again. He did stay here last night. He just walked back in about 4pm. He says he's sorry and wants us to be together. He says he will leave if that's what I want. So I said yes it is but I want to say no stay and make things ok. I feel like escaping with the children for a week on holiday (or forever). I would love to move away and not face peoples pity and gossip. No one in my family is divorced and I feel so ashamed that he cheated on me. I thought I was a good kind considerate wife. Why would you do such a horrible thing to your family.

I haven't got anything constructive to say, but you know in your heart that he will do this again and again as long as you let him. And you have to think about what it does to your children to see him treat you like this.

Take the money from any joint accounts, and take the financial advice others have given you here. Use some money to take your kids away for a week if you feel thats what you need to do, but have someone keep an eye on th house while you're away just incase he does anything.

And you have nothing to be ashamed of. You seem to be such a strong and lovely person and I am only sorry that you have to go through this.

He is the one who should be ashamed. Not you.

Best wishes to you and your family.

of all the excuses I've heard this one makes me

how does treating your wife with such little respect hurt her?

he really is only thinking about himself is'nt he? You really have nothing to be ashamed of, you have done all you can but its time to show him the door as he never will take responsibility for his actions

What a tosser

Did it take him that long to make up such a dreadful excuse. Surely he had time to think up a better one that that.

He must think you are stupid.

There is no shame in divorce--your husband is a cheating lying wamker. Ultimatly your frieds and family will understand your actions.

Cheat once shame on im
cheat twice shame on you

GET RID

I am not sure how shagging her is hurting her.

Stay strong Coper.

YOU haven't brought shame on the family. HE has.

Oh Coper.

You know, in some ways, this is your challenge now. We have slated this man for failing in his role. Well, lets all of us who find ourselves in this position show weak men and women how it is done. Lets show them how to have self worth and consideration for others.

By taking none of that crap he is feeding you. By hearing the voice that says 'let him stay and lets just be comfortable' - and then telling that voice that we are not born to be comfortable, but to be loved and to love, and to be true to ourselves and our loved ones.

Stout heart. This is going to be hard work coper. It sucks. But it will be the ultimate step, where you tell the world you are no door mat nor were you born to keep fresh flowers on the table while he sleeps over with his fuck bunny. I would not feel sorry for that woman - I would feel respect and inspired!

Am chuntering on here - can feel my feminist juices simmering I have never had this happen to me so what do I know really.

Well, actuall, I know you do not have to live with the clock ticking. Well will he do it again, running as a sub current through the whole of your life. Sod that Missus! Get rid of him!

hi coper, im going through almost the same as you at the moment, i discover 7 weeks ago that dp was having an affair for 2 years (we have been together for 13 years). i only found out as the OW left messages on the answer phone for dp, she had asked him to leave me again and he refused, so she left the messages as a warning to him, thinking he would get home and hear them before i did, but i heard them first. and way, he told me had been going on scince last jan, but it turns out it was longer than that.
So, we had kind of been talking and sorting things out, i was tempted to try again, i didnt throw him out as the only place he had to go was hers (he has no family here and no friends as grew up in a different city and only his brother is left who lives in the USA)so i wasn't going to just give him to her.
we had a massive argument a week ago, the day after he didnt come home when he was meant to (he had been on a night duty but told me it was being covered as ds1 was ill and i needed dp to look after ds1 while i worked) so, as it got to 1am i was laying in bed waiting for him to get home and knowing it was wrong, his phone was off and not answered any texts. So i got ds1 and ds2 out of bed (they were not happy!) and i went looking for him, to find his car outside her house at 1.30am. i was absolutley livid, i have never known such anger. i banged on the windows so hard i thought i was going to put my hand through it! (im normally really meek and mild!) she came to the window, saw me and hid while dp came to the door. i went mad at him, like at woman possessed and told him never to come back again.

which he has, but until i can buy him out of the mortgage im stuck. but i feel so much happyer now for finally realsing he wont change, will go back to her everytime we fall out and it will always be there, in the background and i will swipe at him with comments a lot.

i havnt told my famnily yet, i dont dare, i to feel ashamed, i know i shouldnt, but i do. my bf has been trying to persuade me to tell them, mayne i will after we have been on holiday. i know that when i do, my parents will try to take over and tell me what i should do. which is something i could really do without at the moment.

you're not alone coper. this is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with and didnt actually realise heartache actually does hurt. mn is invaluable for the support, even reading old threads has been a help for me.
xx

Coper, please don't take him back .

Coper, I know how you feel. My parents have been together for 50 (!) years. My dad worked away a lot but he was always faithful. For my H to let me down as he did, just as we had moved away from all our friends to start a new life together out of our city so the children could be happier was awful. I had supported him emotionally and financially while he was doing training and in setting up his business, and as soon as that was a success, that's how I was repaid. All I had nearby was my folks and I was so afraid to tell them what had happened because I thought they'd have no concept of it - but they were brilliant.

You have nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of, and i bet if you ask for help you will get it be the shedload. Look at the responses on here - and we do not even know you personally! He is the shit, and you had no way of knowing that when you got together and decided to have kids with him. Some people are just plain weak and stupid.

Anyway, he is the one who will have to look your children in the eye (again) and tell them what an absolute dick he has been. If that doesn't make him ashamed then he has no conscience at all. If a week or more away without him bothering you will help then take it. Go look on teletext for a cheap fortnight in the sun. Sadly I found out just as term started so I couldn't do that but if circumstances were changed I would have... Go for it, and so his third chance. Hell, don't even tell him you are off - just leave a note with his parents or something and let him feel abandoned for once.

Grrr, he said what?!

'Ugh' what a pathetic and entirely translucent attempt to 'get you on side'.

'Ugh' again at his attempts to blame OW and again at his (probably faked) intention to hurt another human being in misplaced (and probably faked) blame, for his mistakes; though believe me, she does not have my sympathy either.

"He says he will leave if that's what I want."

Please excuse the act of quoting but this particular brand of shite is clearly manipulative. Surely none of this is 'what you want', therefore how wrong of him to put forward this 'offer' (projection of responsibility) in such a genial manner!

His actions alone have brought you to this point, the wrecking of your relationship is in his hands and his responsibility.

Nevertheless, take his 'offer' of responsibility and turn it into your element of control. Take charge! He is incapable of thinking for anyone but himself.

If you feel the urge to leave, do so. Find yourself time, space and healing (whilst clearing joint accounts - this is not extreme!) because even with clarity of mind, this point in time will most likely be quite a surreal one.

Take steps to protect and strengten yourself and please, please do not feel ashamed.

I would always advise throwing out an unfaithful man who was so nasty about the OW. Because the men who blame it all on the OW and rant to their poor mugs of wives about how evil and disgusting she was and how they can;t bear to see her and get explosive diarrhoea at the mention of her name... these are men who despise all women and dont entirely like themselves that much, either. They've got the whore/saint thing going on, and the DW is Saint (for doing all the domestic servicing and for 'forgiving' the man even if the only reason she's taken him back is because she'd be homeless if she didn't), all OW are whores who deserve to be fucked then destroyed.

think of all those times that your girlfriends have had arsehole boyfriends/husbands over the years and all of the fantastic, clear sighted advice that you have given them. and then follow it.

time will make it easier, and eventually you'll be able to stop making excuses for him and realise that he was a cock, and someone who didn't deserve your love and support.

100% with SGB on that one. I wouldn't hear a word against OW from XP, much to his shock and childish frustration.

(I did go on to break her nose but that's a whole other story!)

SGB - Oh God that is so true when you put it like that. It makes me want to hit things.

Well I'm not being either, for anybody and neither are you op. Bollocks to that mate, we have lives to live.

Grrrr.

I like the idea of you getting away for a holiday and letting him fend for himself. It will give you a good feeling of being in control and will be good for you to stay away from his bullshit.

what SGB says is true - I once had a DP who went back and shagged a previous girlfriend after we were together. He told me (when found out) he did it to get back at her because he hated her. It made no sense and I took it for bullshit. It was a fact though that he hated women, all women. The time I spent with him is the only regret of my life.

You have had some fantastic advice on here - please follow your gut instinct even if it seems the harder option. Fuck feeling ashamed - you have done nothing wrong. Would you want your daughter to feel ashamed or embarrassed if she were in your position? of course not.

SGB very wise

Men can be strange at times.

I wonder if they shag OW and say they did it to hurt them as they shag and then leave as they think the OW will be crying into her pillow and that is how he hurts them. Use and leave.

I think the OW deserves to know what he has been saying about her. She might not listen, but it is worth a go. She needs to know what a shit this man is - and he deserves to be a sad, lonely bedsit-dweller hated by all and watching Top Gear for kicks, surrounded by his dirty socks... I hope the OP is being chatted up by bar men in Gran Canaria by now.

hmm ok I disagree from personal experience - DO NOT tell the OW , I repeat DO NOT tell her!
You will not come out well, you will not look good, you will have no dignity!!
Have no doubt what he is telling her about you (sad pathetic W wont let him see the kids blah blah if he leaves)
She will believe HIM, she has to for her own sanity - dont bother telling her anything!
I did IT SERVED NO PURPOSE,other than to make me look like the bitter mad loon he painted me as(which I am not FWIW), FWIW my XH OW still belives him that it was all me!
Chin up, head high, live your life, it will get so much better without that sad loser in your life, she will learn the ugly truth soon enough!

Oh coper how awful for you and I am so sorry you and your children have been betrayed like this. You have done NOTHING wrong and I have no doubt that the people who love you will understand totally and be truly furious at him for letting you down.

I really think you need to tell him to leave. NOW. What you do then is your look out but I think a week away is not a bad idea. Have you any support or close rl friends you can tell about this. You dont need to be ashamed - HE does.

Yes, with thought might be best to only contact the OW if you have a voicemail or email with evidence he's begging to come back or she'll think you are bluffing. Hope you're holding up?

I haven't gone anywhere. Have had a slump and just feel depressed. Not been able to do anything much. I haven't left the house and the weather is depressing too. I have been looking at houses and holidays but just feel so let down and unhappy. Why did I bother. I wish I was the kind that went manic with the housework. I have heaps of washing and cleaning to do and I can't. Sod it. I feel like ringing her to find out exactly how long this has been back on again. I can't rely on him for any info as he is such a huge liar. Thanks for all your support. Off to look at holidays again. It makes me feel a bit better.

Oh and she is so determined to have him. The thing is she doesn't realise he is just using her. I would like them to be together. They are both very selfish and arrogant and think they are the life and soul. They are also both very good liars - so I hope they end up together. It wont last.