He's cheating again!

[Coper]

My H had an affair that lasted about 18 months. I found out and he eventually finished with her. However he had at one time told the kids he was leaving and had upset them etc.
Now 1 year later I have discovered he is seeing her again. I was devastated the first time around but I feel different this time. He doesn't know I know yet. He's with her now and has made up an excuse to be away until Monday.
I have calmly carried on today as if nothing has happened. The children have only just recovered from when he told them last time. I think they will be different this time.
What shall I do?
We had just been away on hol and we had a great time. I had started to believe we were going to be ok.

Good luck Coper and I hope you continue being as strong as you sound in your posts

Log that tracker, take screen shots from the computer if you have to. That way he can't deny it when it comes out. Do as much as you can to sort your life out while you are calm and collected - you are probably in deep shock (speaks she from experience).

www.lawsociety.org.uk will help you find a family law specialist: go and see one asap. In the meantime, sure up your finances by making sure you have your name (and liability) taken off joint accounts, and that any cash that is yours is taken somewhere only you can get it.

Sorry - once is a mistake, going back to her after causing you and the kids so much hurt (and being able to lie to your face about it) is the deal breaker. Could you really live with him after this? Nobody is worth going through that pain twice for.

abedelia, you're right once is bad enough to do it again knowing how much pain he caused is completely heartless.
Please keep telling me these things!
I think maybe I am relieved in a way. After the affair he still put himself first and has never been transparent with me about his actions.
I think I will either not answer the phone if he rings or I may be tempted to tell him I know. At least that way his bubble will be burst and he will not be able to enjoy his time with her.
Right time to look up some info.

Oh bugger, I've had some wine and I rang him and left a message to say I know he's with her and that we have to get divorced.

Oh shit, you blew it! At least he is bricking it now...

You have fired the starting pistol, so you need to at least grab all the paperwork for Monday. He might not be thinking that far ahead yet.

Chin up my love.

Ring friends and family NOW before he gets in with his stupid version too.

Coper, you sound so brave.

I actually know how you are feeling. I remember finding explicit text messages on exh phone (one of many different episodes of infidelity on his part) and feeling a sense of power that I knew and had information that he wasn't aware of about his nasty little antics. I would say to you, if you possibly can keep this to yourself a bit longer, until you have as much of the practicalities sorted that you can.

If you don't feel you can do that if you speak to him then don't ring him. These men who do this kind of thing to lovely wives and gorgeous kids are the absolute bottom of the barrel. You are so lucky to have your four gorgeous kids and you will be living with them and being with them, he won't so you are already the winner in this situation.

18 months is a long time, a disgustingly long time for someone to be be able to keep something going behind someones back, it wasn't a one off. He obviously kept it going for as long as he could, no conscience. He must be very sneaky and self centred to have been able to keep it up for so long and then to go back to it again after seeing the pain and devastation it caused. He is putting himself and his own seedy wants before his children! That is what I tell myself about exh whenever I weaken and wonder if I did the right thing by leaving him.

Sort out the practicalities and then pack his stuff and leave it in the front garden. Stay strong.

Sorry cross posted. Ok sort out the practicalities as much as you can right now and pack his stuff and put it outside. It was a big thing to hold on to not surprised you rang.

Me neither, I don't blame you, but please ask some RL friends/family for some help, you need some people in your corner now!

I rang my mum at 4am once when my marriage broke up, and she never complained!

Ah well. What difference now, Monday, a week on Monday.

You can deal with this, you will sort it, however he reacts, you will still be you. Decided, proud and acting in the best interests of her children and herself. The two amount to the same thing.

If you can try to get an idea of what funds are currently in your current account, and any where you can think of. Try get money transfered into your account of you can, via 24 hour banking if possible.
Ring your joint credit cards and asked for them to be blocked - tell them your purse is missing. It sounds so dramatic but this short phone calls could make life sooooo much easier. He may act in a sensible and honourable way. Or he may become vindictive and defensive.

Are you ok?

Bloody hell. why did i do that. I was feeling so strong and in control. I just rang her house too. luckily she didn't answer and i didn't leave a message. the wine has made me weak. I want him to feel crap too. He will. He says telling the kids the last time was the worst day of his life. He is a bastard for doing this to us. We all love him and he has done this.

You are still stron g and in control. Just keep repeating it and hang onto that vision of you and your kids in your own house where no one is cruel or breaks faith.

Hang on, by your finger nails if you have to.

He was always going to know, you haven't lost any high ground or any face. You are actually aloud to go into the street and scream this news on the top of your voice if you are so inclined. This is all his problem.

You only have yourself and the dc's tp give a hoot over.

Keep coping, keep breathing, let it out in a bit when you are through this 'action stations' bit of it all.

dont blame you either. its very easy to offer cold blooded advice, very different to be the one sat there feeling betrayed and used.

f your up to it bag his things up and put them outside...hopefully it'll rain.
that way he wont need to come inside until your ready for him to.

has he called you back? try not to answer the phone if he does. you don't need to hear his explanations right now

Coper, I feel so sorry for you but you need to gain the strength from somewhere. Set an example for you dc, this is not how relationships should be and you dont deserve it. If your tracking his every move and despite your best efforts he's still cheating you need to move on. xx

you are all so lovely. I am so sad and crying. I really can't believe someone can be so unkind to their family.

It's so hard. Yet it's too true. There are 1000's of threads along similar lines.

Saddnes will have it's day, for now you kind of have to get your head up and straight back and sail out of all this shit, taking your whole soul with you.

I think, anyway. There are so many wonderful wise souls around here - they may have better advice.

I can hear you are a strong brave woman, you will do ok, you really will.

thank you TD,
I'll be ok. And i'll be better off without him. we've been together 22 years and I believed he was such a good man but he has gone down hill. He has been drinking too much, taking drugs and neglecting his children as well as having an affair. I will be better off without him - I really will. I think a lot of people know he's cheating and he has got them to lie for him too. He has made a fool of me and it's time people saw the real man. Stuff him he will regret what he has done.

Oh God. You are so nice about it, he deserves so much less. How are you so dignified? Even when on the wine? I am in awe! You are completey right, he can deserve whatever he likes - you deserve this quite dignity and new life.

I'd be chopping up his suits.

All power to you sister, you are a brave soul

Will you sleep?

I really hope you are taking some basic safety steps - the credit cards etc. It's a whole lot worse facing up to this crap when there is no money.

The arse.

Yes I'll sleep. I had panic attacks and nightmares last time but I'm stronger now. I wanted to save our marriage and i'm glad I tried - I really am. Our marriage was worth trying to save.

You sound dignified and lovely Coper. He on the other hand sounds like a complete idiot. I had one of those too. It was just the total lack of regard that got to me, just going for what they want and not really caring about the betrayal pain they cause.

You are right 22 years and 4 dc was something worth fighting for, at least you know you did all you could. What a pity he was so unworthy of you.

I admire you.

I'll be about tomorrow looking out for you.

There is always soemone knocking about mn if you need an ear or some words in the early hours.

Sleep tight. Tomorrow really is a new dawn for you.

I do feel much stronger. Last time I didn't know how I could look after the children when I was such a mess but now I feel that I will be able to. They are so lovely. I want them to have a lovely relationship with their dad but that is up to him. I have to look after myself now. I will talk to people soon. I want to make my own decisions though without feeling pressure from friends and family - so I may not talk for a while. My niece had a baby this morning so I have been talking with my family today. I bought a card to send and I think I will write it from all of us. There is no hurry to tell people. I need to get things straight in my own head first.

Also here to give support.

Obviously you are going to have very different moods over the next days, weeks and months from time to time Coper.

But none of that would be as hard as staying in this situation with this man who has so utterly betrayed you.

Prioritise yourself now in everything you choose to do. If his presence upsets you, do not allow him near you. If you need time to sort out the practicalities, take that time. Do not be rushed or persuaded to do anything that is not best for you.

Usually, at the end of a relationship it takes concerted and repeated effort to stop putting someone else first. Just concentrate on learning this new skill. Ask yourself frequently, 'what would make me most comfortable now? what do I need most at the moment? what is the easiest thing for me to do for the next few minutes?'

You will soon find that life becomes much brighter and more fulfilling than before. You will look back with a sense of accomplishment and relief. You have already dealt with this evening very well. Make all decisions now on what is best for you. Good luck!

x-posted! yes indeed!