Husband says it's over, wants custody of DD

[MollFlounders]

I would really appreciate some thoughts on my situation. I've posted a few times recently about DH. There have been issues in the past but things have been particularly rocky since I went back to FT work 3 months ago (DD is now 9 months old). DH has always been quite selfish and inflexible (previous threads on this are here and here) and this has, for me, become more and more difficult to cope with since having to juggle a demanding job and of course DD. Things are at the point where counselling is required. I found a counselling group who will see us each separately and then together in a facilitated session.

So DH and I had yet another row yesterday morning. It was very trivial. I was hosting an event for some clients. DH managed to get his own last minute invitation to the same event (going as a client himself, of another host). I offered to give DH a lift in my work taxi, but on condition we operated on my timing seeing though I had to get there to meet my clients (DH is usually late to everything). DH was very pleased about the lift otherwise he was stuck with a long tube trip. We agreed, I thought, that we would leave the house asap but would absolutely be in the cab by 9am. I was up and ready, having also gotten DD up and ready for her day, by 8.30am. As it happened, my taxi arrived to collect me at 8.40am. DH had gotten up at 8am and proceeded to faff around the house getting himself ready in slow motion. I asked him a few times if it was possible to hurry things along a little as the cab was waiting downstairs with the meter ticking along. He just kept repeating in icy tones "we agreed we would leave at 9. We will leave at 9". So we left at 9.00am on the dot, with me standing around waiting for him in the meantime. In the cab, I expressed my frustration at his inflexibility and I said that I didn't feel it was normal to be so incredibly rigid. He basically said "if you want normal, you're with the wrong person. I'm not normal."

I didn't see DH again last night as he went out with a friend after the event and came home late. This morning, he was monosyllabic. I reminded him that he needed to call the counsellor for his separate session. DH said "there's no point going to a counsellor unless you tell me that your behaviour yesterday morning was totally unacceptable and will never be repeated again". Apparently I was relentless in my nagging and this is totally unacceptable and tantamount to treating him with contempt. After all, I know he hates being rushed in the mornings.

DH then asked me if I want custody (I know it's residence) of DD and I said absolutely. Asked him what he wants, he says he wants custody. She is 9 months old. We have a daily nanny but I do everything for DD outside of that. A family lawyer has told me that it seems clear that I'm the primary caregiver and that I could move out with her if the marriage ends. My main priority in all of this is DD's happiness and stability.

I guess I've got two questions. Does the situation with DH sound hopeless? I feel we're at the make or break point but I'd go through counselling if there was a chance of it working. But if he's saying counselling is pointless then can you make it work?? Other question: what do people do with residence and contact when it comes to small babies? How often would be reasonable for DH to see DD and how do you do this (e.g. him coming to my place)??

myred, that possibility has already been brought up and utterly discounted by the OP herself.

please, please, don't introduce anymore self-doubts and guilt for the OP.

Sorry, I must have missed that.

Even if he was AS, which as I said, is less likely than him just being a tosser, she must still get out of such a destructive relationship.

To be clear; it was not my intention to cast doubt on the decision to leave. That is absolutely the right decision.

She's been through SO much. She has a beautiful little girl, too. A baby yet.

She's wavering, too, and seeing a counsellor at least once a week.

This is taking all her strength.

Really, that's what a relationship like this does.

She's got the rest of her life ahead of her.

The rest of her life to live, happier with the love and support of her friends and family, bringing up her girl knowing that she was worth the very best that love could offer.

Quite!
I cannot even comprehend the idea of being married to a man who does not understand, indeed expect, that his children come first for both of us. He knows I don't love him any less but he's also a grown man who understands that he can no longer command my complete attention.

I've shown DH this thread and it amazes both him and I that grown men behave like this.
Perhaps that's why I suggested an alternative because I cannot imagine anyone behaving in such a cruel, controlling manner.

I'm coming late to this thread and confess that I have skimmed over most of it, but I just couldn't stop mentioning (in case it has not been mentioned before) that I have an idea where the guilt comes from.

I suppose that if you spend so many years basically mothering a man, it is difficult to come out of that behaviour without feeling you are not being good with your "offspring"

I still get that about exH, and keep forgiving and forgiving, and given him a chance and another one to get things right which he obviously use to take even more advantage of me.

I have recently come to the realisation that no matter how well I behave or how "good" I am, he would have no hesitation whatsoever in leaving DS and myself begging on the street if he were given the chance.

He has always thought about himself/his needs before anything else, why would he change that? More so when he has had those need attended to consistently for several years of marriage and even after separation?

So I still feel sorry for him, I still feel the need to protect him, and the need to be in good terms with him but I'm allowing my head to do the driving for the sake of my son. DS's needs and mine are now stuck to my nose so I don't loose direction on this. You may feel, as any mother, that your needs come second, but please remember that if the mother is ok the baby will be fine so take good care of yourself and don't put the needs of this man before your own.

I expect you can detach yourself from the "motherly" feelings, you need to break that dynamic. He is not only ruining your life but could certainly ruin the life of the daughter you hold so precious.

I was hoping the lease would have worked out but as you say Moll, there are other places out there and that landlady doesn't sound over-board to me.

If a new home isn't sorted out in time, ie before dh goes overseas, do you have somewhere you could go temporarily - and someplace you could store your things so some of the pressure is off, even if it isn't ideal? It's a right pain to in effect have to move twice I know.

I tend to agree with the others Moll, I think this breezing about act is because he has noticed a change in you and suspects you are going to leave or is even just reacting to the change and not thinking about it much.

Moll would you choose to stay on in the UK or would you rather go back to Australia longer term now?

above-board I mean.

moll, he's trying to get back under your skin and into your head, I know how hard this is truely, 2 years on and XH is still trying to do it with me but it does get easier Expat's sil IS right. truely believe me. there WILL come a time in the future when you will look around and you will think thank god, i'm so much happier, DD is so well adjusted, and it's ALL my hard work.

these wobbles are normal. He will know something's up and is doing everything he can to make you a) doubt yourself and B) keep your self esteem at a low place - abusive men do this to keep you in line or under their control so to speak, and he won't like the fact that he's loosing that control over you.

but honestly you can do this. for DD's sake you have to do it. fingers crossed for a new house. oh and RE the landlord, mine's a lovely chap. when you explain things to them they're not too bad, I think the biggest thing is they don't want to have the worry of someone not being able to afford the rent (is Housing benifits or something) - not that i've had a prob not paying rent on HB.

stay strong, stick to your guns. You know in you're heart you're doing the right thing. Just look at DD and she will give you all the strength you need. Honestly. With DS in the first few weeks I would have curled up and sunk. It's amazing the strength being a mum gives you.

Thanks everyone for all the supportive posts again, it's massively helpful.

Myred - thanks for ploughing through this post and no worries re not seeing the AS bit (it was very short and this has become very long!). Orangefish - I understand what you are saying about the guilt and the mothering. My counsellor yesterday commented on how great this relationship has been for H in many ways: he has been like the king with all his needs being met, without him having even to ask for it. The question for me is why I've allowed myself to become, not even the queen but some kind of handmaiden. Not the feminist upbringing I was instilled with, but that's something for me to think about in the future rather than something to hold me back from leaving.

Expat - thanks for your brilliant posts as ever. It is taking all my strength. I honestly don't know how I am managing to even vaguely function at work.

ZZZen I think I do have a contingency plan if I need it so I've just got my fingers crossed that I don't. I want to stay here because my job and financial security are here for the moment.

Southsbelle - he is trying to get back under my skin, I'm sure. It is much easier for me to go when he is being cold and monosyllabic with me. Much harder when he is being his "nice" self and I start to doubt whether the other side really does exist, maybe I've over-exaggerated it, maybe I'm over-reacting, maybe the problem is with me etc etc. I have to remember that my counsellor has told me to leave, and she said yesterday that she can't remember having done that in a single other instance in her career.

Moll, remember that he may well switch again: tossers like him (let's not stop remembering that he's not a poor damaged flower, he's a selfish, self-obsessed tosser) alternate between nicey-nice and vile. THere will probably be at least one more bolt-from-the-blue attack before you get away (hopefully not physically dangerous) - be prepared for it and remember that whatever he alleges or calls you it will be BULLSHITand about him trying to control you.

totally agree with sgb there.

You're not over reacting at all. def not. honestly, I can't think of anything more harmful to a young baby than his 'logic' seriously. the way he treats you etc. he's egotistical. Get out while you have your strenght. as I say look at your DD and you will know deep down what you have to do. xx

Hi Moll, I have been checking in on your thread every day and I just wanted to say I am full of admiration for you, for being so strong and retaking control of your life.

I remember a day, it's 36 years ago now, I was wearing a red jumper with 3 brass buttons and holding maggie my doll. It was the day my mum and I moved into our new home.

This was Ireland in the 1970s and women did not leave their husbands. But my mum was strong and she had had enough of my fathers selfishness, his need to be the centre of the universe, the silences that went on for days and weeks. She was lucky, like you to have a career and be financially independent. She secretly rented a house, and whenever my father was out (usually at the pub) she packed up boxes, which a friend would collect and move to the new house. When she was ready, and my father was away for a couple of days, the removals men came, and we moved.

I was four years old and didn't really know what was going on, but I remember the day well, I remember going to the shop that evening to buy food for breakfast, and my mum buying lime marmalade for her toast.

That day was the beginning of the rest of my mums life, she was free and in control, and she and I have had a happy, happy life as a result of her strength.

I wish you so much luck, stay strong, you are a great role model for your daughter.

macherie what a heart-warming post! Good for your Mum and you....

Moll, I've not been around for the past day or so (poorly sick) and am disappointed in the way the landlord/agent has treated you. It could well be a bluff, or it could well be that the landlord is fishing for a higher rental - well, that will come back and slap him/her in the face if a tenant can't be found! So, I've got my fingers firmly crossed for you.

YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN DO THIS YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

Keep strong and centred......

macherie - that's a fantastic post, really inspiring. It brought tears to my eyes...

It looks like the lease is going to work out... I'd forgotten how dodgy agents can be but there is a new glimmer of hope

I know what I have to do, thanks for the wishes of strength

Moll, fingers crossed over the lease. Glad to see you're still hanging in there. Keep going. If it's not this house it'll be another, better, nicer one.

Thinking of you everyday, though I can't always check in atm. Am with you though.

macheire, what an amazing story! Thank you for posting that

You can do it, Moll! I'll also keep my fingers crossed re the lease. I'm sure everything will work out fine. Keep your resolve firm, you're doing brilliantly. You can do this.

Beautiful post, macherie. Your mum sounds wonderful and inspiring. I hope she's proud that she gave you a 'happy, happy life'!

Moll, I don't know how you feel most of the time, but in your posts you come across as a lovely, strong and thoughtful woman. Don't doubt your right to loved and cared for. You deserve better than a man who punishes you whenever he feels like it.

Hang in there and keep trusting yourself.

macherie have just blubbed at your post! It just shows that breaking up a relationship is not always bad for the DC and that it's so important to put their needs first.

Still keeping up with all this. You're doing so well, keep re-reading the thread (and your other ones). You and your DD like macherie and her mum are going to have a happy, happy future together.

macheire - i too had a few tears after reading your post, what a lovely story

moll - your doing great, hope things work out with the house, not too long now

Macherie, beautiful, inspiring post.

Your post sounded like the opening to a good book.
...The young girl stood in her red jumper with the brass buttons clutching her doll, Maggie.
You should think about writing.

Hi Moll, hope you are okay and your week is going ok. Not much longer now - beginning of August is in sight.

Thanks everyone. Things are ok-ish. I am in a constant state of nervous anxiety, permanent butterflies etc, but trying to stay focused. H has been continuing with counselling which is interesting. It is helping him clarify that this is all my fault: I knew what he was like from the start so why have I wasted everybody's time if I could handle him. He is dismissive of the way I feel because I can't give concrete examples (of him being unsupportive, unkind, selfish etc), trivialises the control issues into "well someone's got to decide what to have for dinner" and basically hectors me about how I've got to look at myself and ask why I've allowed this. I can see that he is most interested in being seen to be right about all this, and in not having to take on any responsibility. I think I now understand that that in itself would show that our relationship is in an unhealthy state. Anyway, I am pressing on day by day.

Jux - nice to hear from you. I hope all is ok with you.

Humm I find his take on the conselling interesting (not that I am a consellor), but I can't see any consellor thinking it was all your fault and that he had no part to play in any of this. I had a friend who had conselling and in the end the consellor told him that she could not continue seeing him because he was taking no responsibility for his actions and what was happening... wonder how long your H's consellor will take? Either that, or he is really controlled and controlling, and really selective (and any good consellor should see through that too).

As for the belittling, well, as you have said, its all about appearing 'right' and no doubt when you leave he will do the 'oh poor me, I tried everything. I EVEN went to conselling you know..' So let him appear right, you know the truth of it, and any good friend will believe you, just get the hell out, as who wants to live with someone who always has to be right.

the way he sees it is his responsibility - the way you see it is yours.

if he thinks the counsellor is helping him to see it is all your fault - then that too is HIS problem.

i find it very helpful to look at it this way.

my exP also still goes on about "right" and "wrong" and "i forgive you but..."

also the "you knew i had depression when you met me..." line

(note: i dont ask or engage in this - i have to send emails eg re; finances or specific arrangements with contact. business like, yes/no repsonses needed - i get back these mad rants and missives about who was right and who was wrong etc. )

you know you are doing the right thing. if, when you leave, he accepts the reson why and takes on responsibility for his child when he is suppsoed to - then hey - perhaps you cna even be amicable.

my guesss is he wont - he will continue to try and turn it into your problem, and will try to make life difficult. but stay strong.

for me the moments of being bullied (or attempts to) are at least now lessened by not being 24/7. is still a bumpy road - but getting there. making the first step away is crucial for your own long term well being and your child.