Husband says it's over, wants custody of DD

[MollFlounders]

I would really appreciate some thoughts on my situation. I've posted a few times recently about DH. There have been issues in the past but things have been particularly rocky since I went back to FT work 3 months ago (DD is now 9 months old). DH has always been quite selfish and inflexible (previous threads on this are here and here) and this has, for me, become more and more difficult to cope with since having to juggle a demanding job and of course DD. Things are at the point where counselling is required. I found a counselling group who will see us each separately and then together in a facilitated session.

So DH and I had yet another row yesterday morning. It was very trivial. I was hosting an event for some clients. DH managed to get his own last minute invitation to the same event (going as a client himself, of another host). I offered to give DH a lift in my work taxi, but on condition we operated on my timing seeing though I had to get there to meet my clients (DH is usually late to everything). DH was very pleased about the lift otherwise he was stuck with a long tube trip. We agreed, I thought, that we would leave the house asap but would absolutely be in the cab by 9am. I was up and ready, having also gotten DD up and ready for her day, by 8.30am. As it happened, my taxi arrived to collect me at 8.40am. DH had gotten up at 8am and proceeded to faff around the house getting himself ready in slow motion. I asked him a few times if it was possible to hurry things along a little as the cab was waiting downstairs with the meter ticking along. He just kept repeating in icy tones "we agreed we would leave at 9. We will leave at 9". So we left at 9.00am on the dot, with me standing around waiting for him in the meantime. In the cab, I expressed my frustration at his inflexibility and I said that I didn't feel it was normal to be so incredibly rigid. He basically said "if you want normal, you're with the wrong person. I'm not normal."

I didn't see DH again last night as he went out with a friend after the event and came home late. This morning, he was monosyllabic. I reminded him that he needed to call the counsellor for his separate session. DH said "there's no point going to a counsellor unless you tell me that your behaviour yesterday morning was totally unacceptable and will never be repeated again". Apparently I was relentless in my nagging and this is totally unacceptable and tantamount to treating him with contempt. After all, I know he hates being rushed in the mornings.

DH then asked me if I want custody (I know it's residence) of DD and I said absolutely. Asked him what he wants, he says he wants custody. She is 9 months old. We have a daily nanny but I do everything for DD outside of that. A family lawyer has told me that it seems clear that I'm the primary caregiver and that I could move out with her if the marriage ends. My main priority in all of this is DD's happiness and stability.

I guess I've got two questions. Does the situation with DH sound hopeless? I feel we're at the make or break point but I'd go through counselling if there was a chance of it working. But if he's saying counselling is pointless then can you make it work?? Other question: what do people do with residence and contact when it comes to small babies? How often would be reasonable for DH to see DD and how do you do this (e.g. him coming to my place)??

Oh Moll well done! There is nothing wrong with you and you are not bad or stupid for having been targetted by a genuinely horrible person.
You might find this worth reading - it's fairly light but there are some good points in it (about how some men deliberately target women who are attractive and successful and set about destroying them - this is fundamental misogyny and what drives these men is not being able to bear the sight of success in women.)
However, I really do think it's very very important to leave without telling him. This man is potentially dangerous and this type of abusive man is very likely to become violent once he feels that you are going to escape. If you do feel you 'ought' to tell him face to face, please please make sure your DD is out of the house and somewhere safe, and have your mobile in your pocket or even a friend parked outside listening for sounds of violence.

I would echo what expat and SGB say about not telling him before you go.

I think he is very clever in what he has done and how he has done it. The whole thing of trying to persuade you that you hit him made me wonder if he was trying to make you wonder if you were going mad - also the whole thing about convincing you that you had broken your nose. He has an agenda all of his own and he is extremely calculating by the sounds of it. Other than the fact that he hasn't been physically violent he makes me think of the guy in the movie Sleeping With the Enemy.

Oh shit - so youre the one who wrote about 'dp'having a meltdowna nd wanting you have a nose job.
that just says it all for me

So glad your family around. You need them.Go back with them if necessary taking your dc.

I agree with SGB. Take care of you and your daughter. x

another one here who thinks you should NOT tell him before you leave. I realise you want to do the decent thing by telling him but it seems unwise to me in view of what you have told us.

You can arrange a meeting in a controlled setting after his return, for example with a lawyer/therapist present if you want to.

I am afraid I agree with expat, I think there is a possibility he would try to take the dc in order to punish you.

I honestly think he could be a danger to your DD. Given that he's the 'you hit me when I was asleep' man - this is the type of man who doesn't actually see other people (particularly women) as entirely 'real' - you and dd are objects to him, and he might well hurt her to punish you.

I have two daughters, Moll. You've got a daughter.

I have to be honest with you: if I were your mother I'd want you out of there yesterday and no way would I want you to tell him you were leaving whilst he was here.

No way.

I'd do EVERYTHING in my power to prevent it, in fact it's a bit scary to think how far I'd go to get my child away from a person like this, and that includes my son, too.

I wouldn't tell him until he was gone.

In fact I'd get out of there first and THEN tell him. Wouldn't tell him where, either. Tell him to speak to your lawyer (check with your lawyer on this to see if it's kosher).

How you tell him is entirely up to you, but realize though that whatever your feelings towards him, he is your DD's (and unborn DC's) father. At least for DD, he will be entitled to contact (and eventually baby DC).

So, this will be a continuing relationship, rather than, for instance, a boss/employee where you can tell them where to stick it.

If he has posed a danger to your DD, then obviously you will have grounds for having supervised contact, but if these concerns are only being raised now, when you are splitting from him, then it will be taken with a grain of salt.

yes, he will be upset, yes, he will probably flip out and possibly do something scary, but please be the rational, reasonable one. Ask yourself honestly whether he is a danger to your DD, and if so, then please make a list of your concerns along with dates and details and get this as a witness statement. If not, then he will be entitled to contact and you will need to do this on your terms, so you will need to figure out what those terms are.

Did I get it wrong about you being pregnant? Oops

Moll, I want to say that I think you are truly amazing. And I am so sorry this has happened to you.
Please don't tell him you are leaving before he goes away. Just leave when he is away.
Don't forget that you don't need him. You can support yourself and give your dd everything she needs - both materially and emotionally - without him.
Remind yourself that you have to leave, for your dd's sake.
She is so lucky to have a mother like you.
I am so glad you have supportive parents. Ask them to stay until you have left and are safe.

Thanks everyone. I need to talk to my lawyer about how best to leave. I honestly don't think he poses a physical danger to me or DD. I think he specialises in the emotional/mental stuff. He is very machiavellian and loves to plot his revenge in a cool calculated way. I've heard a lot of work stories along these lines (that worries me a bit which is why I'm being so assiduous with my photocopying). I am conscious that I need to plan how best to do this. I'm glad I'm seeing the therapist/ analyst/ counsellor again soon. Tonight DH has been quite nice to me, voluntarily printing me some photos of DD to send to my grandmother. I know this is nothing; it's just easier in a way when DH is awful as I don't then have to go through the pain of remembering the good things that we have shared and wondering why they had to come with so much really ghastly stuff.

Mr Obama - I'm not pregnant. I hope I do get to be pregnant again. I'm 36 (old enough to know better than to get myself into such a mess) so part of the pain of letting go of this is the recognition that DD might be it for me; if so, then I will just be thankful that I got the world's most amazing child first time around ).

Expat - you sound like a fabulous mother. I think mine feels the way you do.

Dollius - thank you. I wish I was amazing. I will be proud of myself if I get this right by DD.

Good for you love- I am so happy to see your getting your spark back

You are amazing. You have come a long way in the space of this thread - go back and read your first post. Don't doubt that you are already doing the very best for your daughter. You sound lovely. Please look after yourself and take advantage of the support your parents can offer. I think you've done brilliantly so far.

I think you're pretty amazing myself, Moll.

And you know, my grandmother was widowed when she was 18, and had a child who died when she was two, and back in her day it was a stigma to have been married and had a baby, even if you'd been widowed. So she didn't marry again until she was 30.

She went on to have 5 more children, the last of which she had when she was 47.

So you keep that in mind and you do what is best for you and your daughter.

Don't even think you won't find support here, either.

In fact, I hope you show your Mum and Dad this thread. I hope they see how much their daughter has come along.

You keep your appointment with your therapist and your lawyer and you keep your head down and dodge along and think of your little girl and how you want her life to be, with you in it.

I've read this thread with great interest as I'm also stuck in a really really stressful situation.

I've always been very independent. I have my own house, my own car, a good career etc. I have never relied on a man at all apart from during the eight weeks I was off work having our baby. Not bad going considering I'd had a caesarian. I hadn't wanted to return to work so early but basically was told I had to as we wouldn't be able to cope financially. So I did although it was extreemly stressful. Basically I work from home but it soon proved impossible to do any reports with juggling breast feeding. My "partner" couldn't cope with him crying and used to bring him upstairs where I work so I would literally be juggling a baby while trying to work on a computer. Not good.

Meanwhile he had secretly booked tickets to Glastonbury and told me a few days after I came out of hospital. I started crying because he'd already been away for two nights to run the London marathan as well as going to York races for a couple of days of drunkeness with friends and even though I said I didn't think I would be able to cope he kept saying I would. Basically he had no intention of not going and did end up going for four days.

So I had to put up with it, struggling looking after our newborn baby on my own while he spent money on designer sunglasses, two pairs of G Star jeans, the obligatory Glastonbury Hunter wellingtons etc. I couldn't even afford to buy myself a cup of tea because I had no money.

He walked out on us when our son was ten weeks old. I was on the bed breastfeeding our son and Iremind my partner that he's due to look after him the following day as I've got work to do. He says he can't because he's going to a friend's "boozy barbeque" (on a Tuesday afternoon). I say that he can't becasue I really am behind with my work. I was still breast feeding at the time so I wasn?t shouting at all. I couldn?t shout and I couldn?t move because I had a sleepy baby on me. He picked up the Moses basket which was by the bed, on my side of the bed and flung it so it narrowly missed us both. It went across the bed and landed on the other side. I remember because the mattress, gro bag and blanket had been flung out of it and was lying a couple of feet away as I picked it up later.

The baby woke up and started screaming. His face registered sheer terror and I?ll never ever forget that face because it makes me want to cry every time I relive it. I was shocked but I calmly took him downstairs trying to soothe him by whispering to him when I was really shaking and shook up. I put him in the pram downstairs away from him in the dining room and went back upstairs to the bedroom. I was shocked and frightened that he could do that. I felt frightened. I wasn?t sure what he was going to do. He continued getting ready for work, sliding the wardrobe doors aggressively, nearly ripping them off.

He's a policeman. The thing is he now denies this ever happened, saying that he must have "tripped" over the Moses basket. Him and his family imply constantly that I am mental. He sent me a link to the postnatal depression NHS website. I think he's been given advice by his brother who is a solicitor about what he should say.

Our baby had been planned and I looking back, I had noticed changes in his behaviour when I was pregnant. Just stupid small things really. Selfish things like he's refuse to pick me up from the train station on his day off (I'd commute by train to work for meetings) when I was 36 weeks pregnant with excruciating water retented ankles which felt like extremely tight sausage skins. In fatc the warning signs should have started ringing when he would choose to go to Amsterdam, nights out with friends, anywhere but actually spend time with me when I was heavily pregnant. He even spent Christmas with his family which I thoughtwas pretty awful. I just put it down to enjoying the last months of freedom which was a huge mistake. I excuse myself though becasue I did feel quite vulnerable when I was pregnant.

I was only taking home the statutory maternity pay £400 which just about covered my mortgage and he just had to pay gas and electricity. He hadn't. The day after he left a letter threatening bailiffs flopped through my letter box ordering me seven days in which to pay. I hadn't yet been paid as I'd only been back at work for two weeks so had to borrow the money from my dad who had been made redundant.

I haven't stopped him seeing our son but I won't let him near him unsupervised. He comes round to the house and my mum hangs around. He's not happy about "being treated like a paedophile" and is making veiled threats to me like "The power's yours at the moment but that will soon change". He says he wants 50:50 access. I feel really anxious, I'm having nightmares, keep dreaming that he will come and snatch him. I love my son. He's the most precious thing in the world to me and I don't want him to miss out on having a dad but equally I cannot deal with him. I'm now at a stage where I feel close to breaking point. What can anyone suggest? Because he's on the birth certificate he has a lot of power. I'm scared that no one will believe me. I'm actually a really confident person. Everyone thinks I'm strong and I just feel so surprised and bemused by it all really. I don't know how to handle it. I'm actually quite embarrassed as well.

great thread bookmarking it to read tomorrow!
in the meantime best of luck moll

SwannMum, I read your post just now and my heart goes out to you. What I would suggest is that you copy and paste your post into a new thread in Relationships in order to get a proper considered reply to your concerns. I hope you do - it sounds like you could do with some support and help. I thought about reposting it myself but I don't want to put you on the spot. Good luck anyway.

SwannMum - I agree with BitofFun. As you can see from Moll's thread there is lots of support and advice to be had on here but you need a thread specific to your concerns to get the best of it.

As a first step for you I would suggest you get legal advice as soon as possible. Either a solicitor or CAB.

SwannMum please please please start a new thread about this. You won't believe the support you will get. I have been overwhelmed by the kindness and wisdom that has been offered to me on here. You really need that too. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation and I hope things work out for you and your lovely little boy.

After feeling so decisive and energised after the therapist session yesterday I'm sorry to say that horrible doubts are starting to creep into my mind. Is he really that bad? Am I over-exaggerating all of this? Have I actually just been a grumpy cow since I've been back at work and DH's behaviour is just an understandable reaction to that? Am I cold and overly-critical?

Part of the problem is that the therapist called me earlier to ask if she could move my appointment from tomorrow to Thursday and in the course of our conversation she mentioned that DH had booked in to see her colleague, which is what he was supposed to do last week when I had been thinking we would do the couples' counselling (The idea is that I see my therapist, he sees one of her colleagues, and then the four of us all meet together.) DH hasn't mentioned this to me. I haven't asked him since last Friday when he said he hadn't called. He'd then gone on to say there was no point going to counselling unless I apologised for my behaviour over the taxi thing and gave the commitment that it would never happen again.

I don't know what to think now. Maybe DH does want to save our relationship. Maybe it can be saved? Or am I losing the plot completely?

Get a grip Moll, people like that don't change. He chooses to only demonstrate this behaviour to you and your daughter. As a child of an amotionally abusive man i urge to to get out now. I have gone through a lot of therapy. My sister and I both went through abusisive relationships, gotta love a man who is like your dad huh, except ours upped the game and hit us too.

He will go to the counsellor and be very convincing and appear repentant. Don't copntinue in this please.

I would go right back to the beginning of this thread and read it. I would then go to your other threads and read them from the start too. You should be able to put yourself back on track then.

You are still being manipulated......

Thanks Metatron and Lemony. I'm sure you're right but... I am realising that I've lost confidence in my own judgement, which is a horrible thing to realise. Like a feeling of falling.

Thanks PrincessToadstool. I haven't read American Psycho but I do know what you mean about the mindgames (I read a few pages of it in a bookshop once but I had to put it down). I just wish I could see clearly on this. I suppose that's what my parents and the therapist can help me achieve, if I assume they've got my best interests at heart. It's ridiculous but I'm even doubting that. DH thinks my parents are selfish and controlling, he said that at the time of the wedding saga. But they've got no motives, surely, other than to make sure that DD and I are both happy and well. I read back on this thread to the suggestions that maybe I just need to give DH more time to bond with DD and make more time for us as a couple... suggestions that all sound exactly right for a couple having trouble adjusting to a new baby. I have to remember that having an argument over a taxi is one thing but the other things that have happened are in a different category. Is it acceptable to say to your partner that they don't need to be afraid of you hitting them because it's in their control- if they don't hit you, you won't hit them back? I don't think that's a relationship I should be in. I have to remember things like that.

Expat - I'm sorry I meant to say this last night, but thanks very much for your lovely post about your grandmother. She sounds like an amazing woman who overcame major adversity to have (I hope) a happy family life.