dont trust DH and its driving us apart

[MrsMiggins]

I looked at DH (work) mobile this morning to check who had been phoning him & vice versa. Found phone no of female collegue - rang 10.15pm on Monday night when he was staying away on business. Had a rant at him which totally confused him until he looked at calls received & realised I'd been looking at his phone.

He's now very cross with me for checking up on him & said all the ususal "hurt" "disappointed" etc to me.

Why is his female collegue phoning him so late at night?

He then said she is having personal problems & is under a lot of stress so he was listening to her. She was asking for time off - why so late though?

What really hurt is that I am off work with PND at the moment and DH has given me no support at all. In fact he told me that I was wallowing in self pity ever since the doctor said PND & put me on ADs. How can he be supportive to his collegue & so aggressive (mentally) to me?

Do you think I'm over reacting?

I am suspicious cos same female has txt him at weekends too (DH hates txting) and he couldnt delete the msg quick enough. He works away twice a week same place where all his collegues live so plenty of opportunity.
I even check is briefcase for receipts to see how many rooms he's had or how many meals - isnt that sad...except a month ago I found a bill from a travel lodge which stated 2 people and the same night there was a receipt from a restaurant for 2 meals, 1 bottle of wine and 2 aperatives.

He says I have been horrible to live with the last few months but this is cos of PND and to be honest I have started to feel better except I cannot shake this feeling that he is cheating.
I feel this is because he has been so distant to me and shown no sympathy or support.

My friend told me to stop looking for things and she was right. Now he knows I'm checking and is cross with me for not trusting him...but that could just be a cover.

I know it all sounds trivial but its driving me mad.

If you go looking, you're sure to find something. On the other hand, his lack of support and, in my view, suspicious behaviour would make anyone worry. PND or not.

TBH, if this was my DH, I would be very concerned... think you should sit him down and tell him what you know and why it is upsetting you...make him aware of the hurt his lack of support is giving you and ask him what is going on... think some counselling would help as he obviously is not coping with your PND...

Mancmum - he IS aware but seems incapable or doesnt want to give me support.

my dr has referred me for counselling as I told her on my last visit that I have no support from my DH. She looked cross and said she didnt hand out ADS unless she thought them necessary. I told DH that PND was a chemical inbalance and he has decided thats all it is.

He said to me this morning that he doesnt know anything about PND but he hasnt bothered reading up on it.

I lied and said that today was the first time I've checked his phone but it isnt and I'm not sure he believes me anyway.

HappyDaddy I know I shouldnt have been looking but just recently he has had to stay away more - that is genuine because of the location of his work. (we are thinking of moving)
He rings when he's on the way to the hotel which is usually around 6pm when I have 2 children (3 and 11mths) in the bath so difficult to talk...then I'm putting them to bed. I get downstairs at 7.20pm but he is then on his way down to the bar to meet the others who are staying and so doesnt have time to talk.

Its possible that all this is genuine and hes just being thoughtless but why cant he see that I need a little reassurance?
Like I said, what really hurts is him giving emotional support to another female when I gives me none.

and now I know this female is breaking up from her husband I feel even more insecure.

Why hasnt he told me that she had problems?
he says its none of my business, which is true, but surely if she's leaning on him for emotional support, he should share things like that with me. He says he didnt cos he knew how I'd react.

She may not be any of your business but HE is. He should be concentrating on supporting you, even just being a little more considerate would help you a lot.

I know but I just cant get this through to him. Life is very black & white for him.

I said oh great you can give her support but if I rang you crying you'd tell me to cheer up. He said he couldnt say that to her as shes his collegue.
Has an answer for everything....also has all day to think about it.

did you see Desperate Housewives ?
Leanette's husband said to her "you wont be happy until you've pushed me into proving yourself right" and I couldnt help thinking thats me

MrsMiggins - how come you checked his phone? I'm not being judgemental at all but merely wondering what prompted you to do it iyswim - has something happened that made you check it?

He can help his colleague but not his wife? If things are so black and white he should know PND is an illness.

I just feel like a fool...I had no idea she was having problems so he's been keeping that to himself for a while.

Maybe it is all innocent but he wont take any responsibility for our relationship at the moment. If he was more supportive, I wouldnt feel so insecure. Makes me feel he doesnt care....which he says isnt true, but actions speak louder than words.

gobbledigook - I KNOW I shouldnt have checked the phone - I hate myself for doing it.

its a whole list of things just recently:-

staying away in hotel more
not having time to speak to me cos got to get to bar to meet others
txt msgs at wkends from female collegue - he HATES txting and never responds to any I send
being distant to me and unresponsive
ME being paranoid that he couldnt possibly want me - still got bit of baby fat, hair regrowing after pregnancy, PND
me returning to work and struggling - my first day back at work he stayed away so he could go out on a leaving do.

little things that all make me suspicious.
Could be nothing and like HappyDaddy said, if you go looking....but I couldnt help myself.

I understand the expression about going looking but if he was totally innocent, would there be anything to find... I am sorry and I am sure this is not what you want to hear... but my mind is screaming out that there is an issue here... even if there is nothing going on with his colleague which is entirely possible, then he is not really meeting you anywhere near half way in your relationship is he... no support, no attention, no sympathy... you are ill and stressed and he is doing nothing to help you at all... you can not carry on like this and make a recovery from PND...

I would write all this down and send it to him in a letter to read at work... I would also go for the counselling on your own...I would keep making hhim aware of how unhappy you are and tell him you want to go to Relate... how can you survive as a couple if this continues?

Don't hate yourself. He is not supporting you, at all. I bet he's looking to her for support, re: your PND and she's more than willing. There may be nothing in it, though. I think the main issue is your DH's unwillingness to support you.
If he's distant, not replying to texts, etc it sounds like he's looking to this woman as an excuse not to get close to you.

we do very good impressions of an ostrick burying our heads in the sand.

to be honest, things were better cos I was feeling better and was pretending all was OK again....but clearly I have issues if I cant trust him.

he doesnt meet me halfway at all.

As for what I wanted to hear, I wanted to know if other people thought I was being paranoid; whether late night phone calls were unreasonable; whether supporting a female collegue but not your wife was wrong.
He said he had not choice & just listened, but he could have "not answered the phone".

When I said I thought he was the only person who got late night phonecalls from collegues, he said I was stupid and perhaps I should check other peoples phones.

not a lot to say to that.

It all sounds really suspicious to me. You have to decide what you want to do about it. Is there any way you could organise a week-end away so you have some quality time with dh and discuss things. I always think it is a very bad idea for anyone to be staying away from home on a long term basis. Several people I know have ended splitting up following their hubbies working away during the week. This is something you will need to address urgently if you want the marriage to survive. Sorry to be pessimistic but just because dh might be having an affair does not mean that the marriage is over. He needs to realise how serious things are however.

I think the issues are more to do with your DH being distant. His reaction to your PND and his attachment to this woman are symptoms of his wanting to distance himself from you, in my opinion. I think you should ask him what he wants from you and your relationship.

you see what doesnt ring true is phoning at 10.15pm. If she wanted time off work, she would have rung in the following morning - you dont ring your boss late at night.
He had plenty of time to make up an excuse as he was in the car on the way to work. Plus he had the moral highground in the argument as I shouldnt have been snooping.
I should have just had it out while I could see his face & he wouldnt have had time to think if it IS an excuse.

I told him I would never ring after 10pm cos I would think he'd be in bed like at home. "well thats cos you know me" he said. Still think he could have just not answered the phone.

if this IS all in my head, then it shows that its best to be honest. I still dont understand why he hasnt shared this problem with me to get a female pov as to how to deal with her.
the fact he hasnt mentioned it makes it seem worse

i do it 2 i look at dp phone and have sometimes found something i dont like. at the mo were kinda not talking cos of something i found. he knows better than to say u shouldnt be looking cos id say if u were honest with me i wouldnt have to

we went away recently for a weekend with the kids and I tried to talk to him when they had gone to bed...but he just didnt understand. I said that the ringing in the evening is not convenient - toddler & baby plus bath and bedtime = stress. Both kids are asleep by 7.20pm which isnt late. I asked him to phone after ordering food - just walk away from his collegues for 5 mins....you havent anything interesting to say though was his reply.

At best I think he is just incredibly selfish and I havent minded/needed him until I got PND and now I need him more, he's struggling.
At worst, he doesnt care and is just too chicken to leave.
Either way its pretty miserable.

I'm not a weak person - I would rather he left and I know I would be OK.
Its the not knowing or the fact that suspicion is making me feel sick - thats what I hate.

thanks you guys for your thoughts

reading all this back, he sounds like a right tw*t and I sound pathetic.
I'm not though

In my experience, if someone looks like they are having an affair they in all probability are. Mrs Miggins you are not being paranoid. Of course your dh should be ringing you up at a convenient time in the evening to have a proper conversation, if he really cared about you he would be doing this, especially in view of your PND. Other people's dhs do this. The fact he is receiving texts from a female colleague is also very very suspicious. I have every sympathy with you, having lived with an unsuportive partner for many years and also having suffered with PND. All I can say is that if you both love each still you can work things out BUT you will need to sit down and talk things through like others have suggested. Does your dh really want to divorce and all that that entails. He needs to face reality and realise that that is what will happen if things continue the way they are going. Take care

you dont sound pathetic, you sound completely normal. i think anoyone in your circumstances would react the same

The thing is DH has been staying away for about 3 years although admitedly just recently it has become weekly.
I certainly didnt suspect him until the last couple of months which is why I've been snooping.

THe time he had a txt on a Sat, I had taken DS to the loo in John Lewis and left him 3 floors down with DD. When we were coming down the escalator, I saw him on his mobile. As I got to him I asked what he was doing as his hand was visibly shaking as he deleted the txt. "Collegue was just sending a txt saying well done for presentation yesturday"
What a load of bollocks!!
But of course that turned into aggression from him telling me I was pathetic.

As for Monday night - how do I know she didnt phone to find out if he was in his room rather than in the bar with the others?

See?
I'm just making myself feel sick.

Going to B&Q to buy some weedkiller and pretend its his manhood I'm squirting.

Confront him this week-end (if possible get someone else to take kids). You are not in a Court of Law here so don't need to prove your case. Short of getting a private detective on the case you will not find more evidence but you have more than enough already to raise a strong presumption that he is playing away. You don't sound like the sort of person who just wants to sit there and hope things will blow over. You should therefore take the initiative but be prepared for him to admit that he is having an affair and think about how you want things to go after that. Three years is a long while to work away from home, perhaps you should try and more near his work IF you want to make a go of things?

we've been talking about moving for over a year and I am more than happy to move...even though my parents live in the same town as does my brother & family. They dont think I should move but I have explained that being apart and commuting is making me unhappy.
So moving is not an issue for me - I'm all for it.

He keeps changing his mind - we're always waiting for something. Maybe he doesnt mind the commuting and likes seeing my family at weekend - he & brother are best mates. If we move, we would be at least 3 hrs away and so not see them as much.

You see thats what they say signs are - different behaviour - for him, its txt msgs and staying away more.

I'd hope he doesnt want a divorce and I certainly dont as I still love him. What about the kids? To be honest, I dont think they'd be that bothered but I couldnt bear to lose them every other weekend. That would tear me apart.

MrsMiggins, the fact he is not keen to make future plans together is , IMO, another sign that in his mind the marriage might be on the rocks. This is something that happened in my marriage as well (last two year). I would try and initiate a conversation about moving house or something and exdh would just disengage. Unfortunately ignoring this is not going to make it go away and you can't continue to live with someone who is probably having sex with someone else. All you can do is make it clear that you love him and want to marriage to continue BUT that you can't stay if he is going to continue having a relationship with another woman. Once DH realises the financial implications of divorce, he might well come to heel. One other thing, are you still having sex?

Funny you should say that about not moving - he said to me beginning of March that we may not move for a year - I just felt pissed off that he'd been going on about it and then suddenly changed his mind.

we are still having sex and in fact he asked me to go back on the pill recently as he doesnt like condoms and I dont trust his judgement to withdraw.