dont trust DH and its driving us apart

[MrsMiggins]

I looked at DH (work) mobile this morning to check who had been phoning him & vice versa. Found phone no of female collegue - rang 10.15pm on Monday night when he was staying away on business. Had a rant at him which totally confused him until he looked at calls received & realised I'd been looking at his phone.

He's now very cross with me for checking up on him & said all the ususal "hurt" "disappointed" etc to me.

Why is his female collegue phoning him so late at night?

He then said she is having personal problems & is under a lot of stress so he was listening to her. She was asking for time off - why so late though?

What really hurt is that I am off work with PND at the moment and DH has given me no support at all. In fact he told me that I was wallowing in self pity ever since the doctor said PND & put me on ADs. How can he be supportive to his collegue & so aggressive (mentally) to me?

Do you think I'm over reacting?

I am suspicious cos same female has txt him at weekends too (DH hates txting) and he couldnt delete the msg quick enough. He works away twice a week same place where all his collegues live so plenty of opportunity.
I even check is briefcase for receipts to see how many rooms he's had or how many meals - isnt that sad...except a month ago I found a bill from a travel lodge which stated 2 people and the same night there was a receipt from a restaurant for 2 meals, 1 bottle of wine and 2 aperatives.

He says I have been horrible to live with the last few months but this is cos of PND and to be honest I have started to feel better except I cannot shake this feeling that he is cheating.
I feel this is because he has been so distant to me and shown no sympathy or support.

My friend told me to stop looking for things and she was right. Now he knows I'm checking and is cross with me for not trusting him...but that could just be a cover.

I know it all sounds trivial but its driving me mad.

MM - This sounds like exactly what has happened to me. I had PND and my dh found it very hard to deal with. He felt he lost the confident woman he fell in love with. I too found msgs from a woman, work collegue on his phone, he also worked away a lot and I found hotels bills for when he shouldn't have been away. He too said this woman had problems and he was 'listening' etc. This went on for about 6 months, I kept checking everything he kept saying they were just friends etc until a few months ago I found a text msg saying he loved her. Turns out my dh had been having an affair with this woman for 9 months, totally out of character for him. We're thankfully sorting things out. After a lot of talking dh doesn't know why he did it, he is really sorry and says all he wants is me and his family. I think he couldn't cope with the change in me, felt he couldn't help me and this other woman came along with her problems and he felt he could help and support her. It's always easier to deal with someone else's problems than your own. Man are not very good at dealing with things that affect them.
I hope this isn't what is going on with your dh but I would definately keep checking.
I was just coming off my tablets when it started and to be honest I began to think I was going mad again. My gut feeling always told me he was cheating and I was right. Don't be clouded by the PND go with what your gut is telling you. Us woman are very intuative.
I do hope though that I'm wrong.
Take Care

Hi MM. similar thing happened to me too. When i was 8 months PG i was very down and dp had depression and he didn't think i was supporting him and vice versa. He then started staying away which he had never done before. He was distant and kept getting phone calls which he would leave the room to answer. He eventually admitted he had been having an affair for 2 months. Suddenly his behaviour and everything made sense. He said that the woman he had an affair with paid him attention and helped him and listened to him... something he said that i never did. Thankfully we are sorting things out so hopefully we will be ok.
your dps behaviour is very suspicious. If it was all innocent why hasn't he be truthful and open with you? If he is just helping this woman get through bad times as a friend why couldn't he invite her round at the beginning to meet you? why all the secrecy?

I have to say that you've all helped me collect my thoughts for last night so thank you. I have taken all your comments on board and certainly not been offended or thought anyone was critising.

We did talk and he has said my fears are unfounded. He says his collegue rang to ask for time off and that he tries to keep the conversation short and not get involved. He didnt tell me that she was having problems cos its none of my business and he knew I'd react as I am doing.

I keep thinking about tribpot said and I can see that he is bound to have female friends at work but its the secrecy that makes it look suspicious. When I said about the txt, he said it was none of my business which is why he deleted it. Again, that may be true but I cant help thinking that if its so innocent, wouldnt he just show me and then be annoyed I dont trust him, rather than deleting it.

The trouble is that I STILL cant tell him about the hotel bill and restaurant bill cos that will set him off again - I know what you're saying about he's the one with the dodgy receipts to explain, but what about the trust issue from me? I've been looking through his briefcase. Part of me wishes I hadnt gone looking....

At least I managed to confront my fear that he wants to leave - he says definitely not and he will try more with the kids at the weekend. I said to him did he think I enjoyed playing all the time? there are times when mums find the playing dull or the conversation with a toddler boring, but thats our job!

Cranberry - your comment sounds exactly like us. I have started to feel better but the marriage still seems terrible and I still feel so suspicious. Its easy to say "just friends" or "just collegues" and easy to say that if it was a male, I wouldnt be jealous. He even said last night that they are friends and chat all day so shes bound to txt at a weekend. Why cant he see that the fact she is a female does make things different? He has moody whiny wife at home and attractive female who probably sympathises a lot at work. Which would you rather have....I've blown looking at the phone now - if he IS up to no good, he'll be a lot more careful what he leaves on the phone and probably wont let it out of his sight.

anyway he's staying away again tonight and then I'm out Friday night so no chance for a chat til Saturday morning....

what scares me about moving is that I'll leave my job, family and friends and then something will happen to us. He wanted to move before to be nearer work but it would have meant I had a longer journey to work, new nursery for DS and no support from family so didnt see anything to gain. He wouldnt have come home any earlier and I would have been more isolated. Now I'm being selfish over that.

said woman lives about 90 miles away where one of the office is....

On the one side I'm pleased to hear that so many have been in my situation and you dont think I'm going mad but on the other side I'm now furious that so many of our DH have looked elsewhere when the going got tough

and you know yesturday he still took the moral highground that HE was the wrong who should be angry cos I was snooping rather than the fact he was getting late night phone calls.

MrsM, As you can see from all the replies this happens to lots of people even in the most solid relationships. You are not going mad and speeking from the experience of about a tear ago when my DH had an affair with a work colleague all the things you describe in my view add upto the behaviour of a man having an affair ir on the brink of one. However even if that is the case it doesn't have to be the end of your world- although you will think it at the moment. We have survivrd and are getting stronger. My Dh was in a time of great change in his life (redundancy looming) when he had the affair and was quite simply "lost" couldn't see past the next day, wasn't thinking of the consiquences of his actions. He needed to be needed at the time and found a very needy person to have an affair with , she had touches of a "bunny boiler"!(buts that's another issue!)However you can't live in limbo you must sort this out and get your Dh to listen. Even if he is completely innocent you have lost your trust in him caused by his actions and that has to be addressed by both of you. It was only when my dh finally came to his senses and realised just how much he was risking that we could start to work together on it.Men in this situation are very good at blocking out the obvious, seperating their fantasy world of "the affair" from the real world-it took crisis point and the harsh reality of me knowing about his liess and deceipt for him to snap out of it and "regain the plot". Unless you resolve this one way or another it will eat away at you- believe me I know- still every now and then seeing a counsellor to work through those destructive feelings caused by betrayal and hurt. I really hope you can bring this to a head- you need time alone together and some open honest talking. Does he realise what's at risk? Remind hin why you got together in the first place and just how much you have built together. Take care of yourself.

You know what you should do...make yourself unavailable to him. If he rings at a certain time, then don't answer, but ring him later in the evening. Bsically, ring him when you feel like...don't wait for him to ring.

Then, if he doesn't answer or tries to get you off the phone, then you will have a valid arguement instead of him hiding behind the fact that you snooped. When my dh is working or away, I can ring whenver I want and I know he will be on the other end of the phone to chat to.

Not sure if I have made any sense. It sounds clearer in my head, but hasn't been typed that way

Pink Roses - maybe you're right. Ironically I didnt answer his calls last week by accident. Left my mobile in the car and had gone round to a friends to have tea as DH wasnt coming home. By the time I got home, he'd left 2 msgs on the home answer machine, 1 on my mobile and sent a txt saying "where are you?"

He says that I CAN phone him whenever I want in the evening but this is only cos I'm making a fuss AND because he answered the phone to female at 10:15pm. B4 now he has not answered after 10pm to me - gone to bed.

I had a similar experience with my dp. My dp works away during the wk many of his friends are at home where we live. So when we and a group of his mates were all at the pub and dh started getting a load of text messages and seemed to be constantly on his phone I grew suspicious. I causally looked over his shoulder and noticed a female name at first I sulked and pondered until I wound myself up so much and confronted dh and asked who she was. He said she was just a collegue who had man problems blah blah my reponse was well you see her all wk and the wkend is meant to be our time so why are you constantly texting her when your out with me.Then like women do I wondered what she looked like and when i asked dh replied she is good looking but we are just mates she wears to much makeup arrraaggh! Thats exactly what I wanted to hear!! Shes good looking and maybe a tart. Then there was late night texts and being a women you know how other women work so I knew it was her. Then one evening I rang dp while he was away we spoke briefly and he said could he ring me back as he was busy locking up but then I later found out that he was actually having a drink with her at work then walked her to her room before he rang me.There were other times when he went out for a drink with her but because of the way I was reacting he thought it better that I didnt know becuase it was all innocent. It was the secrecy that was making things more suspicious. In the end i told him it was her or me she wasnt a longterm friend he had only know her for a few mths yet it was causing so much disruption he even said that I could come and meet her in order to save their friendship (yeah right il scratch her her eyes out miow!). In the end i think she moved jobs so I dont actually believe that he ended it himself. It was innocent I think but when it causes so many problems and secrecy it then becomes suspicious. The thing is dp gets along with women and is quite flirty so this situation has happened again with female friends from the past, then exchanging numbers and so it starts again. But what im trying to explain to dp is that with longdistance relationships trust is gonna be a major issue and any new female coming on the scene is gonna be a threat to me. And it doesnt help with the secrecy. I know for a fact he would be exactly the same and its prob his jealously in the past that has made me a jealous freak that i am today.
Another eg is an old work colleague who used to like dp and was a bit obsessive,bumped into each other and had friendly chat exchanged numbers etc (I didnt know this). Me snooping through his fone then found text and fone calls to each other. Then one night we were having a row about it and conveiniently dp recieves a text from her saying im in heroes tonight which is a local club and that was all. Now being a women to me that is a prompt to say im in heroes tonight if you wanna meet up (bitch) what do you think? And then there was a miscall from her fone which she then text to say was a drunken mistake and was sorry.

oh girl, everyman is different. some men this all may mean nothing, but on the other hand, it could mean uuhh oooohhh.

dh did cheat on me...and it took years before i stopped snooping, ( i still do just not as often, they get more careful if they know you are doing it) sound like a cracker case..., but in the end if they are gonna you snooping won't change it. about him being so unsupportive...I believe alot of married men are. after a while we are just nagging wives, the lil lady at work doesn't blame anything on our dear dh's. it is our dh that are their HEROES!!!!! maybe we should get them a plaque. sorry, trying to be funny.
they get caught up in their lil "i'm the man"

I hate being right

went away this weekend & things seemed OK. I checked his phone Sunday morning - have been for a while now.
msg from her "luv u"
Threw phone at him & said explain that

walked out of caravan cos I was so angry
felt really sick

when I came back he started having a go about me looking at his phone again and even tried to say it meant nothing!
how stupid does he think I am

apparantely he had decided that this was the weekend to decide whether to stay & make an effort or split up - didnt bother telling me any of this.
Said he'd decided to stay & I ruined it all by looking at the phone & discovering that the last 6 months of accusations & denials were founded

we are going to try but its just so hard...he's been going round the house whistling & seems happier than he has for months - its as if a weight has been lifted. He's been more affectionate & reassured me its over but we've both got to make an effort to make it work.

i agree - we havent been happy for a while but thats mainly cos of my PND & my suspicions.
I told him that hes not been trying to sort out relationship out as she's been in the way

he hasnt really sad sorry
he wont tell me details as he says that will make it harder for me to forget
just cant believe its happened

says hes finished it today at work but hes going to see her every day - shes his senior team leader for goodness sake so she has to report to him daily

came to work but to be honest I just want to go home
have noone to talk to about it - my family all live locally & it would make things harder if they knew
most of my friends outside of work are lovely but gossip so again, cant talk to them

felt isolated last week....now just dont know what to do or say

MrsM

You poor thing. I don?t know how you are so calm.

I think that dealing with infidelity has several distinct phases ? disbelief, anger, hurt, more anger and hopefully resolution. I am worried that your DH is not offering you anything ? not much in the way of an apology, no details, nothing indeed to give you what you need to deal with this.

Mumsnet is a great place for help though. Keep posting
Love dejags

I am amazingly calm and have been since Sunday morning. we were in a caravan though & didnt want to upset DS 3 1/2 by rowing or discussing anything. By evening I was just tearful & tired.
Have cried 3 times already at work. Fortunately I have 2 good friends who I can confide in.

I think that DH is burying his head in sand. Thinks that by it all being out in open & us agreeing to try, thats all we need.
I do need details though - how long would be nice for a start.

All I know is that it happened when he stayed in hotels which he does at least once a week.
I have her phone number & email (works with DH) and am dying to contact her but know that will make me look desperate...which I feel.

I need to be calm so that he doesnt give up.

should be him doing all the running shouldnt it?
think he feels too guilty especially when I cry

Oh Mrs M - I know what you are going through - it is horrible being proved right.
I think it would be a good idea for the 2 of you to go for counselling, both for this and your PND (how is that by the way?) He would need a bloody good reason not to give you 1 hour of his time after he has done this to you. As for the snooping - he is just being childish - if he had not given you reason to doubt and then lied - you would not have had to find out the way you did. Good luck and there are lots of MN's to chat it through with

MrsM,

I am getting on your behalf. Your DH does owe you an apology (he should bloody well be grovelling), he does owe you an explanation. Given the gory details aren't going to help, but you need to be able to place things in your own mind before you can go forward.

He should be doing everything in his power to win you back, to make you feel loved and to show you how sorry he is.

Sorry if I am being blunt but you deserve better!

I know but talking is not really DH thing.
Not only that, I expect he will stay away tomorrow night for work so how will I deal with that?
Last night he went on the computer as usual while I cooked tea & just acted as if nothing has changed....except when I started crying.

I do love him though - before this weekend I had been thinking whether I wanted to stay with him or whether it was fear of losing the kids every other weekend. I decided I did still love him.

maybe tonight iwll be different and he'll agree to talking some more.

I did think I might write down all my thoughts & fears so he can read exactly how I feel and what I need ot know.

finding it difficult being at work but my teamleader is very indiscret so cant just go home

Message withdrawn

I am already seeing a counsellor for PND - tried to see her this morning but not working - my next scheduled app is next Tues.
She has already suggested joint counselling cos I have told her of my suspicions (cant see she'll be surprised when I tell her I was right) and I told her that theres no way DH would see a counsellor.
Maybe he will now but I doubt it.

Makes him sound v controlling doesnt it - and in a way I think he is, even though he's v laid back and non-controntational

I emailed him this morning asking if the issue was sorted & he just replied "yes"
Thats him all over.
I said how was he just going to finiSh it & he said it wouldnt be an issue.

does this mean he doesnt care about her as I am more important
does it mean it was only a trivial affair in his eyes
does it mean he's still lying

i just dont know anymore

I'm not a weak person by the way - I am not afraid to be by myself if thats the right thing.
what does frighten me is me trying and him just deciding in a month or 2 that its not working, and him leaving anyway

MrsM - affairs are never trivial honey. Don't fall into the trap of believing men do it just for the sex and don't let your DH railroad you into accepting his meagre apology.

I'll post more later.

i still feel sick at the thought of it all and keep crying. DH not home yet and dreading it. I want to ask lots of questions:-

how did she take the news?
is it awkward at work?

I want to know how long its been going on - he says things havent been right since before our DD was born - shes 15 mths Friday
that makes me feel like sh#t

I went to work as thought it would keep my mind occupied but I just kept wanting him to email me and say it was OK....

reading back posts from when I was just suspicious, it seems lots of people have been through similar situations and come out OK.
Just hope we can...but isnt it hard when you know the other woman is at work with him day in day out?

some words of comfort would be nice as I cant talk to anyone in RL as its private.

Hi Mrs.M, I can't read this thread - it's too long!! I just read the 1st and last posts. All I can say is that I am one of those people who have a very low tolerance for this type of behavior. I would bin him. It is unforgivable, in my opinion, and you were totally justified in being suspicious in the beginning. Good on you. Hang in there, be strong. Don't let your DH turn things around and make it seem like all of this was your fault. That's all I can say for now. Forgive me if I'm repeating what others have said here.

And try not to let your imagination get the best of you. It can play awful tricks on you if you start to imagine what is happening now or what happened in the past. Try to focus on your little DD and yourself.

MM,so sorry for you. You dh is a conniving weasly shit,whether or not you love him. You shouldn't be wrrying about keeping him,he should be worrying about keeping you!
I would kick him out/leave yousrelf for a few days to 'think'.
That will put the wind up him and give you the space you need to work out what to do next.

mm - this does sound like an affair to me. how terrible for you. an ex boyfriend went bonkers when i used to check his phone, and now it seems so obvious - he knew he had been caught and he was panicking. PND is very difficult for others to deal with, but it isn't an excuse for infidelity. you wouldn't have an affair if it was yr dp, would you? keep taking it day by day - but the texts and the woman's texts have to stop. Pronto.

mm - this does sound like an affair to me. how terrible for you. an ex boyfriend went bonkers when i used to check his phone, and now it seems so obvious - he knew he had been caught and he was panicking. PND is very difficult for others to deal with, but it isn't an excuse for infidelity. you wouldn't have an affair if it was yr dp, would you? keep taking it day by day - but the texts and the woman's texts have to stop. Pronto.

sorry - accidental double message.