dont trust DH and its driving us apart

[MrsMiggins]

I looked at DH (work) mobile this morning to check who had been phoning him & vice versa. Found phone no of female collegue - rang 10.15pm on Monday night when he was staying away on business. Had a rant at him which totally confused him until he looked at calls received & realised I'd been looking at his phone.

He's now very cross with me for checking up on him & said all the ususal "hurt" "disappointed" etc to me.

Why is his female collegue phoning him so late at night?

He then said she is having personal problems & is under a lot of stress so he was listening to her. She was asking for time off - why so late though?

What really hurt is that I am off work with PND at the moment and DH has given me no support at all. In fact he told me that I was wallowing in self pity ever since the doctor said PND & put me on ADs. How can he be supportive to his collegue & so aggressive (mentally) to me?

Do you think I'm over reacting?

I am suspicious cos same female has txt him at weekends too (DH hates txting) and he couldnt delete the msg quick enough. He works away twice a week same place where all his collegues live so plenty of opportunity.
I even check is briefcase for receipts to see how many rooms he's had or how many meals - isnt that sad...except a month ago I found a bill from a travel lodge which stated 2 people and the same night there was a receipt from a restaurant for 2 meals, 1 bottle of wine and 2 aperatives.

He says I have been horrible to live with the last few months but this is cos of PND and to be honest I have started to feel better except I cannot shake this feeling that he is cheating.
I feel this is because he has been so distant to me and shown no sympathy or support.

My friend told me to stop looking for things and she was right. Now he knows I'm checking and is cross with me for not trusting him...but that could just be a cover.

I know it all sounds trivial but its driving me mad.

Just a few comments to add on this. I've certained texted male colleagues at the weekend, but only those I regard as friends and never anything I wouldn't want their wives/girlfriends to see. It can be a problem when you work in a male-dominated industry; there's no reason why I shouldn't be friends with these guys but I am always super-careful to ensure I don't send out any wrong signals, I ask about their partners and would always include them in invitations or whatever. I would call my boss at 10:15 as well, but he is also a friend and I would know he would still be in the pub at 10:15 when away from home!

So this text message and the 10:15 phone call may be nothing, but his response to them suggests otherwise.

I had problems in a previous relationship when I was away on site and my partner would expect me to have at least an hour to chat with him every night on the phone. It just wasn't always possible in that you'd be keeping everyone else waiting to go to the pub or order in the restaurant or whatever. But my former partner was fit and healthy, I think your dh's attitude stinks. You can't possibly be expected to speak to him when you're trying to do bath and bed time, at the very least he should be checking in with you every day - maybe some days it will be a shorter call but he should be able to make time. Saying you have nothing interesting to say - what a cheek. Would it be easier if he called you first thing in the morning whilst he's away?

The PND must be taking its toll on both of you, and it's probably not a good time to be making any major decisions about the future of your marriage, but I do think your dh needs to get his act together. Could the GP talk to him about the seriousness of PND and what he needs to do to support you through it? Personally I'd be highly peed off if my dh was going away whilst I was in need of more support, both emotional and practical. As you say, it sounds like he's just being selfish and not wanting to face up to his responsibilities.

Its encouraging that you are still having sex, that definately gives me hope that the marriage can be salvaged. This does not of course mean that he is not getting it elsewhere as well!! If something is offered on a plate and you have the opportunity on a regular basis then many people would succumb I fear!! Its just been too easy for your dh to have his cake and eat it so now is the time to spell out a few home truths. If you divorce he will be the one living in a one bed flat and seeing the kids every other w/end, living on a much reduced income. Quite a big price to pay for having a shag once or twice a week with a work colleague who no doubt has her own problems. Don't see yourself as a victim here, you actually hold most of the cards, having your family and a job. Good luck girl, don't let this guy grind you down.

I'm not asking for an hour conversation - just 10 minutes where I feel I have his full attention to tell him things that have happened & see how he is. I understand about keeping people waiting which is why I suggested he nip off after ordering the food - seems the ideal time. Anyone who knows us knows he's not under the thumb and he isnt worried by that thought so he just obviously cant be bothered.

its always on his terms - he phones in the morning on his way to work - not before as he has a lie in in the hotel followed by breakfast.

thats whats so sad as I always try to accomodate him and I'm not being unreasonable with the time of day - bath & bed is 6pm til 7.20pm - always has been.

i can see your point Tribpot but he didnt let me see the txt msg and there are plenty of women in his office for this female to be friends with.

Just have to wait & see tonight - having said that, he wont be home til just before 8pm, I'm going out at 8pm, and he's away again tomorrow night.

I would be extremely suspicious if I were you too. Judging by what you have said there is a high probability that he is haiving an affair. From my own experience with h's affair, we were still having sex and he reacted in the exact same way as your h. He is very black and white also about things. The hotel receipt sounds really suspicious. Is there any way you can get hold of his phone bill? In my case I called up the other women because I just knew that my husband had nothing to gain by tell me the truth and I was more likely to hear it from the other women. Have you thought about doing that?

Talk to your brother about it?

cant get his phone bill as it's a works phone. Wont look suspicious to work as the female is his collegue.

cant ring the woman up - if it is all innocent, that would be the end as far as DH is concerned.

are you still with your DH?
what did the other woman say?

no way can I talk to my brother - he'll have a go at DH which will piss DH off whether he's guilty or not.
brother not exactly subtle.

brother & DH were friends before we were dating - thats how I know him.

DH doesnt take kindly to advice full stop!!

Our relationship is on the verge of ending. As you can tell by my nickname, I want it to end. He has worn me down and the affairs are just the tip of the iceberg with him as he is a very abusive person. I don't feel anything towards him now. The first one I called up was surprised (three month affair) as he told her that we has split up but were still living together (go figure). The second one was an old colleague that I just had a feeling about and at first she tried to deny it until I told her that I was planning to leave anyway and I would appreciate the truth, wherupon she told me everything and talked for several hours. You might find that if there is something happening he has fed her a story of some sort, like you are seperated or he is just here for the kids. My h is denying the affair with the old colleague but my opinion is that she has nothing to gain by telling me all these things so I believe her.

I think you have every right to be upset at him and it does feel as if you are trying to tiptoe around him so as to not hurt his feelings or rock the boat. Personally, I would call her, because short of hiring a private investigator or furtively following him, how else are you going to find out? If you don't confront this, it will always knaw at you, and you must remember that he is the one acting suspiciously. So what if your brother gets him upset. You are upset and you need answers and he is not giving them to you. Is there any way that you can sneak looking at his phone in the middle of the night? If you find it is hidden then that is also suspicious.

Btw, meant to say that my h does not take any advice whatsoever and I have always in the past avoided any confrontations because of his explosiveness. I don't give a damn how he reacts now so I just say what I want now! (does make him even more angry though, but water off a ducks back)

My wife is the 'mn'er, but I saw this and thought it may be appropriate to post. please feel free to shoot me down in flames.

this seems fairly similar to the situation we found ourselves in some time ago. in my job i travel away sometimes, and did become too close (thought not sexually) with a work colleague-detals aren't important, and though i was later diagnosed with clinical depression, my wife and i were having problems in our marriage, these were not excuses. the main reason i wanted to post was to say whatever the background, never, ever blame yourself for your partner's actual or perceived infidelity. part of resolving the problems (and we are very, very happy now with another child on the way) was to accept the blame-"my wife doesn't understand me" is not only a cliche, it's a pathetic attempt to divest oneself of responsibility.

quite frankly it doesn't matter whether you have the right to check up on him or not-his behaviour, which i'm sorry to say is scarily reminiscent and bringing me to tears as i type, is causing you unahppiness.

only ray of hope I can offfer is that sometimes things have to fall apart before they get better, and it can get fixed. the most important thing for you i guess, and for your partner, is that you get what you need. one fo the key things that made me realise teh hurt i had caused and was causing was when my wife asked me to leave the home for a few days-this finally made me realise whatI was doing. I just wish I had done so earlier.

I have posted out of genuine feeling, and I'm not trying to be smug "look at us, we made it and aren't we happy, aren't I a righteous human being". Yes we're doing well now, but I will never ever see the damage I caused as worthwhile and will never forgive myself for my actions.

finally-please, please don't blame yourself. He has to take responsibility for his own actions

Sorry MrsM, I hope my comments didn't sound critical, they weren't meant to be. I agree, the fact he wouldn't show you the text sounds v suspicious. There's no real reason why this woman shouldn't be friendly with your dh, but he should certainly be more careful of your feelings.

And I think you're being v reasonable in terms of how long a phone call you want as well, again I think under the circs he should making the effort to make sure he speaks to you, 10 mins isn't much to ask when you are at home with the kids and dealing with PND all day. Never mind finding out how he's doing, his priority should be making sure you're okay.

My gut feeling based on what's been said in this thread is that whether he's sleeping with someone else isn't really the problem, it's the fact that he doesn't seem to be capable of putting your needs first. As you said, you haven't needed him til you got PND, and now the chips are down he's too selfish to deal with it. Telling you to cheer up - yes, that well-known cure for depression, "pull yourself together" .

Re: the moving / not moving, why is this solely his decision anyway? Or have I misunderstood?

he doesnt hide his phone but then if her name appears during the day, she's ringing about work.

having seen him delete a txt from her, I cant trust the phones records as he could just delete the record everytime she phones or txts - could be that he forgot about the monday one plus didnt realise I was checking his phone.

if I get my brother involved it will make it too hard to get the relationship back on track - he will keep poking his nose in or DH will just not trust me again. would make things too difficult.

I shall however tell brother if things change for the worst.

should cancel going out tonight so I can stay in and talk to DH but scared to.
scared to hear I am right and he wants out

What are you actually scared of? Of him, or his reaction? Or are you scared that you are damaging the relationship because you can't trust him. If it is the latter, do no think that at all. If anyone is potentially damaging your relationship it is him because he is not behaving in a trustworthy manner. That's not your fault.

tribpot - I didnt think you were critical at all - I was pleased to see the other side.

the moving is up to him as its his job - if we move I would have to leave my job and so he would be the sole provider. I suppose only he can tell whether he wants to stay with this firm for a long time or whether he wants to look for another job.

perhaps its yet another example of him calling all the shots and me just following behind.

DH even went off on business abroad for 8 days when DD was 5 weeks old and I didnt complain even though I also had toddler to look after.

thanks for your post "anotherperspective"
They say that the 1st yr of your childs life is the biggest cause of divorce and my DD is nrly 1.
I know I'm not to blame if he is having an affair.

the thing that really gets me is that things just dont add up. If he had been more attentive & supportive I wouldnt think he no longer cared and look for the reason why. Maybe he just is that insensitive and I've had no reason to find this out til now.

all I know is I'm scared that my paranoia is founded and he'll leave.
I just dont think he loves the kids enough to stay if he no longer wants me.

we have a male friend who left his wife & 2 kids & now sees them every other weekend. the rest of the time him & his new partner live like a couple and go out enjoying themselves. maybe this sounds more exciting although I bet they're skint.

I hate his mobile with a vengenance.
At the weekends I hate him popping for a paper cos he could be ringing someone.
I have just been thinking back to our weekend away and realised several times he walked off with DD which gave him an opportunity.
Someone txt him while we were away and again that was me being stupid and pathetic overreacting.

Back to change in behaviour again - months ago he would forget to take his phone if he popped out but now its glued to his pocket.

Bd sign if it is glued to his pocket I'm afraid. My h did that. You might find that your mind will go back to lots of 'incidents'. Don't worry you're not going mad, it's just your mind trying to get to the bottom of it. I have done it so much, and have stored up every little detail. My h would always say that I was over-reacting as well. I don't want to compare your h with mine, it's just that I recognise the warning signs.

have to say i think all the signs are there, staring you in the face. Sounds like you know it, but don't want to know it, if you see what i mean. So very, very sorry that you sound in so much pain.

MrsMiggins, this is eating you up inside. I guess you know what the score really is but if I was in your position I would want to find out for sure. You will come through this whatever the outcome. One question you could ask yourself: why do you let yourself be treated like this? You deserve more. Out of interest how old is dh? This sounds like a typical mid life crisis thing to me.

I've been following this too and am so sorry yet another one of us is going through this. I would also say that you are not going mad and that your dh does seem to be acting suspiciously. The mobile thing brings back some memories for me too. And the way you are looking back on things that happened - I was just like that. We went on a holiday and when I found out later his affair had been going on then I remembered lots of incidents of him 'disappearing' and it was always to phone her.

You feel such a fool and they have you doubting yourself and thinking you're paranoid etc.

Your dh may not be having an affair but he's behving badly and not putting you first at all.

I feel for you and wish you luck.

Message withdrawn

Hello Mrs Miggins,
I feel really sorry for u girl. Even if he's not seeing this other woman, he still sounds like a right .

If I was u I would just confront him, ask him 'are u having an affair'. He can only say yes or no. The worst that could happen is that he would say 'yes - he is having an affair' and even then at least you and your babies could leave this idiot of a man. Did u ask him about the hotel receipt when it said 2 people?

I was in similar situation with my ex. He was getting txts from a 'friend' and being really odd so in the end I said 'I just want a straight answer - are u seeing someone else'. He said yes and I moved out with my baby boy. I met someone else and hes great to my ds and he is with us most of the time except when hes working and I dont think he would ever deceive me. Just ask him outright.

Livvy xxx

he's in his early 30s so not a mid-life crisis - more like finding it hard now we have 2 kids as I need more help - I realise that I probably did most of the childcare when we just had one and didnt need or ask for much help...probably why DS is such a mummys boy.

I spoke to him this afternoon - told him that whatever he thinks about me snooping on his phone, to find out he is supporting someone who needs emotional help while not supporting me, hurts. I got really upset on the phone and told him how miserable I am. He said thats what you get for snooping so I told him I've been feeling like this for a while. Told him I didnt feel he loved me or the kids and that I felt he wanted to be a single man.....said he doesnt but actions speak louder than words. Said I never told him I felt like this - he hasnt wanted to talk about PND or us so whats been the point? he has left work early to come home & talk....(takes him over 1 1/2 to get home from normal office - the other one is 2 1/2 hrs).
He sounded nicer on the phone like suddenly he's seen the light but I wont hold my breath.

Its not that I dont want to think he's having an affair, I just find it so hard to believe that he would. His partner cheated on him prior to me and he kicked her out - "made your bed now lie in it" attitude. No taking her back. Thats why I cant believe he'd risk his family just cos I'm being a miserable cow and "wallowing in self pity".

you're all right - I cant carry on and pretend that this was just me being paranoid - things have got to change - either he is innocent in which case he needs to start concentrating on my emotional support, or he's having an affair and then I dont know what I'll do....

as for deserving better, you are so right and I know this. Perhaps I have been happy doing most of the work before but 2 children take so much more work and I'm fed up with him not helping out. If he doesnt think I'm worth it then perhaps I would be better off without him.

oliviagrace - I didnt ask him about the receipt - how could I? more proof I've been snooping. The receipt was from a travel lodge - you only pay for the room but they are double rooms. Seemed odd that his name would appear twice so I rang HO. They said your name should only appear once. So thats made me feel terrible ever since which is why I've been checking his phone whenever possible. That and the restaurant bill. 1 pint, 1 glass of wine, 1 bottle plus 2 meals sounds like male female to me doesnt it.

I sound terrible dont I snooping like this....but in my defence I have only been doing it the last couple of months and I was probably at my lowest with PND....cant admit to this snooping though as I have no proof - the receipts have gone now - innocent expenses? or thrown away the evidence?

they say you get a feeling and I;ve had no cause to suspect him while we've been together (8 yrs married 6) so does that mean I'm right or just ill....

MrsMiggins I am thinking of you and I really hope you and dh manage to sort something out. I was not meaning to criticise you at all or imply that your marriage is definately over. It does not give me any pleasure to think of someone else going through marital problems - I know how lonely and desparate you can feel. Please keep posting XXX got to get dd from Brownies now!!

MrsM, if you can, I'd try to keep your discussion with him out of the area of what you've discovered through snooping - it just makes it too easy for him to say "well, that's your fault, if you hadn't gone looking for trouble you wouldn't have found any". You have lots of issues with him that aren't related to whether or not he's having an affair.

Of course you need more help now you have two, of course you need more help whilst you're dealing with PND. You have every right to be upset that he's away so much, apparently unwilling to make even simple compromises like what time of day he calls you. I feel he's sending out the message that you and the kids are just too much trouble for him to be dealing with. If that's not how he feels, he needs to change his actions to show you that.

In my experience, blokes can have a mid-life crisis at virtually any age, early 30s is popular time