dont trust DH and its driving us apart

[MrsMiggins]

I looked at DH (work) mobile this morning to check who had been phoning him & vice versa. Found phone no of female collegue - rang 10.15pm on Monday night when he was staying away on business. Had a rant at him which totally confused him until he looked at calls received & realised I'd been looking at his phone.

He's now very cross with me for checking up on him & said all the ususal "hurt" "disappointed" etc to me.

Why is his female collegue phoning him so late at night?

He then said she is having personal problems & is under a lot of stress so he was listening to her. She was asking for time off - why so late though?

What really hurt is that I am off work with PND at the moment and DH has given me no support at all. In fact he told me that I was wallowing in self pity ever since the doctor said PND & put me on ADs. How can he be supportive to his collegue & so aggressive (mentally) to me?

Do you think I'm over reacting?

I am suspicious cos same female has txt him at weekends too (DH hates txting) and he couldnt delete the msg quick enough. He works away twice a week same place where all his collegues live so plenty of opportunity.
I even check is briefcase for receipts to see how many rooms he's had or how many meals - isnt that sad...except a month ago I found a bill from a travel lodge which stated 2 people and the same night there was a receipt from a restaurant for 2 meals, 1 bottle of wine and 2 aperatives.

He says I have been horrible to live with the last few months but this is cos of PND and to be honest I have started to feel better except I cannot shake this feeling that he is cheating.
I feel this is because he has been so distant to me and shown no sympathy or support.

My friend told me to stop looking for things and she was right. Now he knows I'm checking and is cross with me for not trusting him...but that could just be a cover.

I know it all sounds trivial but its driving me mad.

Mrs Miggins,
I am so sorry this has happened to you, but as you can see there are a few people here who have had very similar experiences (and I'm another one!). You are going to be really up in the air with your emotions, and if you have PND anyway then making sure you do the councelling is going to be doubly important. Don't worry about dh at this point, make sure you get your self-esteem back first. It's such a big thing to find out that you were right, and I found it quite empowering in many ways. Don't expect your dh to say sorry "properly" for a while, the impact of what he has done (especially if it was a "fantasy" relationship) will take a while to sink in (I think that I got a true apology about six months after I finally got the proof of his affair). My dh still gets angry/upset if he thinks I've snooped, but hey, that's his problem not mine, and of course every now and then I check - less often now as it's over 18mths since the end. As it's a work relationship you may want to seriously think about talking to him about changing his job at some point in the future - it sounds like the working away has almost certainly been a factor in allowing him to live a double life. I didn't want to tell anyone about my worries for ages, until my boss asked if there was something wrong as my work was suffering. I think that it is important to have at least one or two people to just talk to, as you will need some hugs! Actually after a while telling people does normalise things, as things suddenly start to make sense to your friends and family. However I wouldn't do that until you have sorted out your own feelings a bit, and decided where to go. It's very different saying to people that your dh had an affair and that you are working things through once things are starting to get better, as people are shocked but accepting, rather than jumping to your defence and things getting very complicated.

I really do wish you the best of luck. Hang on in there, be strong and remember that although it takes two to make a relationship work, it is not your fault in any way shape or means that he has had this affair.

Mrs Miggins I hate to say it but he got away with it didn't he!! He is still controlling the situation and from what you say he doesn't seem the least bit sorry or remorseful. You are still tiptoeing around so as not to upset him which seems funny when he is the one in the wrong.I don't believe the affair is over - he obviously doesn't seem concerned about having to work with this lady day in and day out. I wish you luck and I hope you work things out the way you wish to.

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you're both right
have just txt him cos feeling miserable and all he said is I shouldnt feel miserable in a pub
he is a tw#t and I am beginning to think that all your blunt (but fair) comments are the kick I need to turn this back onto him where it should be.
I hope you're not right about the affair still continuing - I think more likely he is just thinking about himself & can deal with her feelings by just ignoring them or thinking they're nothing to do with him.

either way what is the point in me tiptoeing around so he doesnt leave - if he truely is sorry & wants to make it work, HE should be trying harder to make me feel reassured

think Ive been in shock the last couple of days as I never dreamed he would be unfaithful

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'tiptoeing round so he doesn't leave??'
He should be the one doing this!
So what if your brother punches him! Might knock some sense into him.

You deserve better MM.

If you are going to try to work things out he is the one who needs to earn your trust again. If he thinks sorry is a quick fix then he has a looooooooooooong way to go to understand women.

am really angry with him now
last night I asked again about her at work - how can they just carry on ask if nothing happened?
he said the atmosphere had been a bit frosty but yesturday she said she was glad he'd decided to make a go of our marriage
I had a real go at him - I dont want the 2 of them discussing our marriage - what a f#cking joke (I dont usually swear)
told him he was arrogant

he says that no point going over the details otherwise I wont get over it and that we need to go forward and fix what was wrong in the marriage in the first place

I told him he was lucky I hadnt kicked him out to which he replied well you're lucky I didnt leave

the thing he doesnt seeme to understand is how hard it is every day knowing hes seeing her
She may have decided that the right tactic to win him back is to be nice & positive & hope I piss him off again so he goes back to her.

gotta to go to work even though I just dont feel like it. the slightest thing sets me off crying & I cant tell people why....

MM (((hugs)))) so sorry u're going thru this, fwiw, he should think himself damn lucky to still have u, might be worht him going to his DB's so he can actually realise and learnt to appriciate what he's got. doesn't he realise u need to know some details for closure?

can he change jobs?

Not knowing the details is worse than knowing them because your imagination will probably provide a much nastier scenario than actually happened.

You probably don't want to hear this, but his attitude tells me that (a) he is not really working at making your marriage work, (b) he's probably continuing some sort of relationship with this other woman and (c) he thinks he's got the situation sorted to his satisfaction. All the while it was a secret, there was always the fear of being found out. Now that you know, he can carry on and, when things blow up as they inevitably will, he'll claim that it was your attitude and your suspicions which caused the final breakdown of the marriage, thereby absolving him of any responsibility whatsoever.

You need to decide whether you love him enough to spend the rest of your life dealing with jealousy and insecurity with someone who clearly doesn't care as much for you as you do for him.

Mrs Miggins,
Personally, if it were me I'd have chucked him out by now, I just would not tolerate the break in trust,especially as he will not tell you how long it had been going on.
However, if he is serious about making a fresh start I would insist he left his job. Bugger the money, your marriage is more important, or is it ??????

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Adding my voice (again!)

This guy is an arse.If you don't deal with this now,it will get worse and worse and worse.
Do you want to waste your life (you only get one remember) with someone who treats you with such disdain and lack of respect???)

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Mrs M, I know things must seem so difficult right now and you probably feel that the most important thing in the world to you is keeping your family together (we all get scared when our family unit is threatened and close ranks to prevent it from happening, that totally normal).

But you are doing this at your own expense and believe me the cost of this in the long run will be high. I dont know your DH so wont try to understand him but it is very clear from what you are saying that he isn't sorry.

At the end of the day people have affairs for a number of reasons. In a lot of instances they realise they are in the wrong and they may or may not get caught. What is telling is their reaction - it's fairly obvious that your husband is not worried in the slightest. I would never dream of pushing you in either direction as I dont know you.

I will say that you need to carefully consider your own self worth and how this will affect your self esteem in the long run. This man OWES you big time. If he can't help you when he is the one who has broken things then I think that there are serious issues on his side.

I hope you are feeling okay today

Hello MrsMiggins
I've just read through most of the thread. I can understand that you live in a small town with lots of your family and friends in it and gossip travels, but I think you need to tell all these people so that they can support you and so that other people's negative reactions teach your dh that his behaviour was/is unacceptable and that he cannot expect to get away with it unscathed. I know it's hard because I too have a dh who would never go to counselling and I have often wished we could go (including yesterday with a vengeance after a horrible argument ), but I would demand joint counselling as a condition of your not kicking him out. With another adult present you could get to the bottom of his actions and decide whether he is worth fighting for and has made a mistake or whether he is simply arrogant and controlling.
I hope you find people to talk to and who support you who make you feel better. You sound very brave and also responsible with regard to your two children. I am thinking of you.

MrsM there is so much good advice on here and I have been reading the thread for about five minutes now and I the only thing I can possibly think of to say and it may have been already said is the only way you can move is if he changes jobs, he is never going to break free from her and stop this working at the same place as her. Basically he is still spending more time with her than he is with you and so he's never going to move on....

I have always believed (as my Dad walked out when I was four) that if a man will do it once he will do it again!!! I am so sorry for you and the pain you are going through and the trouble and hurt for your poor family but I know a bit about this because I watched my Mum give my Dad another chance and then he did the same to her (the first time he left her whilst she was pregnant and had a 4 year old), he then did the same again when I was 12 years old (she was pregnant again!!!!).

Maybe I am just cynical and have a bad experience of cheating men but I know if DP ever cheated on me I would never be able to trust him again so there would be no point.

Only you can make that decision though, its your life and I wish you the best of luck.

MM - so very sorry to read about what a bad time you are having and through absolutely no fault of your own. I agree with dejags - his reaction is the important thing and what it says about him and how he feels about you and the marriage is not good I am afraid.
I think you need to work out what it is you want, very carefully and in your own time. Not just kick him out in anger or whatever but work out what will make you happier, and more likely what will get you through the next few days/weeks/months. I am sorry to be blunt, but the way you react to this will unfortunately set the pattern for his future behaviour and your relationship. You are clearly currently happy with neither - and if he is not willing to change then I am afraid that you must, or else face the probability that this will not be the last time you will be feeling like this. Can you stand to go through this again? If not then you have to do something about it.
Lastly, I really think that you need to get some help - if you already have PND then please be kind to yourself and get the support you need.
sending you all my support and tons of respect for the strength you have shown so far in the face of extraordinary d**khead behaviour.

MM - I have ben reading this thread for the last couple of days, I know exactly what you are going through as I found out in July that my h had met someone and started a relationship, I found out about it within a week through text messages and I will never forget the pain, shock horror and disbelief that went through me. I never ever thought that my dh would do this to me. Naive - I know.

First of all he did not dare question me looking in his phone he would have got another punch in the face for that. If he had not given me cause for suspicion I would not have checked.

I threw him out and over the next four weeks he made no effort to apologise really and certainly did not want to come back. He continued to see this girl for about four or five weeks and then suddenly it hit him what he was about to lose and he came back begging.

He has now moved back into our marital home and we are both working hard to sort things out including going for councelling, he was not keen to go to councelling but as he was the one who f**ked up he went and we both have to say it is definetly worthwhile.

It is very early days for me and some are better than others I long for the time when it does not come into my mind every five minutes. I needed to know all the details and it was not until he had decided he wanted me and wanted to come home did he start to talk. Before that whilst he was still seeing her he did not want to reveal anything and I put this down to trying to protect her, my friend advised me that if they are holding information back its because they are protecting her and still seeing her I found this to be true in my case.

I cannot beleive that this has happened to me and dh we were together for 10 years with a dd. One thing I think I have to agree with is that affairs dont just happen, there has to be a route cause for them. I did get a book called 'after the affair' which i found to be usefull.

I do know exactly what you are goiong through what i cannot understand is how you are so calm, I was so angry and let him know this. I wish you all the best and if you want to CAT me seperately please do.

how are you gettin on today hon? ((hugs))

hi munz
thanks for asking
dont work Fridays so was dreading it - been busy at work tue/wed/thur so not had so much time to think.
fortunately have a very good friend - have been at her house all day and just been chatting & mulling things over
still feel terribly sick

just dont know what to do
dont want to kick him out cos I dont want us to split up but I just cant trust a word that comes out of his mouth

trusting my gut instinct which was right about the affair, I feel he is trying & has finished it but hes so bloody arogant about it all

he wont go to counselling - says couples who go to counselling split up - he must therefore be scared that I will change my mind

Just feel very alone

its easy to say "kick him out" but I still love him. Yes he shouldnt have slept with someone else & I know he must have had feelings & I know he still sees her at work all day BUT I love him. Maybe in a couple of weeks time when I'm at the Anger or Grief stage I'll feel differently and realise I cant get over it....

hon fwiw, my aunty and uncle had relate and it actually worked, they seem to be stronger for it, took about 2 yrs mind, durin which time DA changed into a person I didn't recognise, she's slowly coming back thou.

I spoke to my dad.
he has some counselling training and I trust him.
he says I have grounds for divorce for the next 3 mths. after that I am deamed "accepting".

is DH staying cos he knows this?

DH in bed passed out drunk from drinking in pub with my brother watching football.
have looked at his phone - nothing

is still being 110% affectionate & reassuring but still not enough

just dont klnow whether I will get over this
I want to cos I love him so much but just so suspicious....

would it be worth having some space from him? - either u have a little holiday of ur own without the little ones, or him goin away for a few days.