WWYD? Persistent other woman!

[ElizabethCM]

Recently moved to new city to be near my family. DH found it difficult, initally, to get work and was feeling quite low and isolated. He eventually got a job and a woman he worked with developed a crush on him.

Anyhoo, one drunk night DH had a one night stand with the woman. Silly man!! I was so hurt and angry but we have a ten month dd and i forgave him ... he was very contrite, and we are, generally, a very very happy couple. I told him that if he wanted to be with the OW he could, and he could see dd whenever he liked. I didn't want to beg or blackmail him to stay. But he was adamant it was a crazy mistake and that he loves me, dd and our life. He was, he say's, temporarily insane.

I just want to forget the whole thing. He has some lovely friends from work and OW is in the group, so I have not made a big deal about him seeing her. A couple of times I have been out with the group and have always been nice to OW. Noone else knows and I don't want to make someone feel ostracised for one mistake.

BUT she is continually texting and calling DH trying to start a relationship. She "can't understand" why they can't be together.

So last night we met his friends for a drink and she was there. I behaved around her as I would around anyone, bit shy but polite. Half way through drinks she texts DH "I still love you". Argghhh!!!

WWYD?? I am so angry at her for trying to ruin my life, but just don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to give her fuel to hate me, I don't want to make the situation worse. Should I just trust DH and move on or should I ask her to leave us alone?? It is stressing me out....!!

yeah, but he's still seeing her socially. if he were that cut up about having boinked her, well, it would go to follow he didn't want to see her socially anymore.

the OP has been, according to her initial post, out with them at least a couple of times.

Sorry, I did dissappear for a while. It was making me miserable to read all that stuff about being a doormat!! Anyway, I agree that it is likely that they had some form of emotional affair. I thought I intimated that at the start ...perhaps not.

Anyway, DH has changed his number and has told her she is never to contact him again. The work thing ... I dunno. He says he will quit if I ask him. But it was horrible when he was not working. He was v unhappy. He loves the job, he has made some very good friends and, as I think I mentioned, he is otherwise a bit isolated.

He sees the OW twice a week, otherwise she works in a completely different office.

I hate them both. I think I might just kick him out and start again. But then what about my DD??

Hi there Elizabeth, I've just read the thread (well most of it), it's a shame that you came here to ask for advice having dealt with your dh's 'affair' only to have MN make things much worse for you.

FWIW my feeling about the whole thing is that you have displayed a cool maturity and good sense apart from putting up with socialising with the ow. It seems up until now that you were able to get over the 'affair/shag/fling' whatever it was and carry on life with your dh; and it's only since a bunch of women and men on here offered their opinions on you and your life - OF WHICH THEY KNOW NOTHING (sorry just felt I needed to shout that bit) that it has all become rather confused and unhappy.

Only you can tell if your current unhappiness with your dh stems from some of the posts here ringing a bell with you or whether you feel slightly bullied into thinking that you should have behaved differently when you found out about the affair.

Personally, If I was in your position I would have done pretty much what you have done. Your dh sounds like an idiot, who hopefully has learnt his lesson - only you know that for sure. So I wouldn't kick him out. Give it some time. Many people who post on MN it seems like nothing more that to see a marriage fail - regardless of what it may do to the children. . I don't advocate being a doormat, by any means, but then I don't think you have been. I think you love your dh WHICH IS FINE. It is a good and honourable thing to want to work at keeping a marriage and family together. You must both want this of course, and it sounds like your dh does. BUT this ow must be told in no uncertain terms to BACK OFF - and must be told this by your dh - with you as a witness if you prefer.

Good luck x

Your husband has been extremely stupid. He needs to take responsibility for what he has done. I dont care what job he applies for, but he should leave his job. He deserve nothing less than leave a job he loves. He chose to fuck some young intense tart, he prioritised one/numerous shags over his wife, his child, and his job.

Quite possible the affairs has continued, because he has such a mature and understanding wife. As long as he can spin you the line she contacts me, I dont contact her, he will show her proof that this other womain IS still in touch with him. Yet he cant prove that he is not keeping it going....

Yes but he can prove that he has taken all possible steps to ensure she understands that the affair is over can't he.

ie Change his phone number, make steps to find a new job, TELL the ow to get stuffed etc etc

Elizabeth, just one thing

The answer to someone being unfaithful isn't always the end of the relationship, as so many seem to have intimated on this thread.

People make mistakes, people can be very very stupid (male or female).

You need to decide how you feel about everything. Decide whether you feel you can continue with your relationship with dh. Whether you can both carry on and try and rebuild the trust.

Lots of people do that. In real life, one infidelity or an emotional affair often isn't the end. We have friends who have just carried on and tried to rebuild their relationship.

But you need to call the shots here. Dh has said his bit. You need to look at him and decide whether you want to stick around and make an effort.

And hating him is normal you know . Of course you should hate him as he's betrayed your trust. But do you love him?

I think it sounds like you do but I think it might be worth dragging the both of you to something like Relate and just thrashing out what has gone wrong with the benefit of someone else being there.

Good luck and I hope you get the outcome you want.

and deciding to carry on does not mean you are a doormat at all. But you do need to put yourself first for a bit and get dh to understand how you are feeling.

elizabeth - it is ok to hate them both - they both knew what they were doing and even if he had told her a whole load of lies about how crap your relationship was/is she should now know that is not the case and sending him that text was really mean.

If you are to get over it you need to talk to h and not just carry on as if nothing has happened even in front of other people. You will learn to hate what he has done and not him for it and he will hate what he has done and not himself - it is important to seperate the two things - it is natural to direct your hatred towards the ow (and in some ways easier for you both), and as time goes on it will be his actions that you both hate and the ow will be nothing more than that 'other' woman - you wont care who or what she is anymore.

If he is serious about getting over this (and it is a really serious situation) he should at least be willing to change jobs and accept that he well and truly fucked up.

Elizabeth, I am sorry your faith in yourself has been shaken by posting on here

However, I do not feel the gist of this thread is that you should have left your husband at all

I think the worst thing this thread should have pointed out to you is that

1. you never had the full story

2. his behaviour and actions post-affair are not consistent with someone who had truly been made to face the consequences of his terrible mistake

3. the OW was still being allowed to drive a wedge between you because of the way you both handled it

I hope that now you can both move on.

HappyWoman speaks sense and from experience as well.

I agree with foxinsocks really. After all, if the OP is taking DH back, she is making efforts to rebuild trust, and that has to start somewhere.

If she doesn't want to trust him again, that would be fair enough too - but in that case don't take him back.

'He says he will quit if I ask him.'

Wow. He's really good at both cocking up AND putting all the responsibility and guilt on you.

I'd have thought that if I jeopardised my marriage and family by having an affair with a work colleague that the least I could do was find another job asap to prove to my husband that I was worth a second chance.

I think that it's not beyond the realms of probability that the OW sent 'the text' during the night out to provoke some sort of a reaction.

I don't think that the OP is a doormat. In that sort of situation behaving with dignity is the best thing to do.

Elizabeth: nobody is saying leave him. It seems (from what you are saying) that he is sorry and is doing most of the things he needs to in order to make you feel better and make it up. Both HappyWoman and I know that rebuilding after this sort of thing can be done. My H had a six week long EA and one night stand with his old assistant, thankfully in the weeks after he had left the job - I would have insisted he hand in his notice on the spot otherwise, though he'd probably have agreed as she turned out to be a delusional liar and he can't stand her (or what he became, basically a cruel and selfish nasty bastard to me and children while it was going on) now - even seeing her home country mentioned on the news sets him off - he gets all squirmy and turns over.

We are trying to get it all back on track and are largely succeeding but it is bloody hard, so don't worry about feeling that you want to run away and leave him at times. That's natural. All I think is that you now need the full picture about what went on before - personally, in light of the fact she's being s persistent I would threaten to speak with her and ask her what went on unless he confesses and owns up FULLY to what he did, rather than just glossing over it. In the long run, getting it all out will help him, too (though I am still working with my own H on this one, 9 months on )

Remember, he lied to you and so will have lied to her, also. She probably can't understand why he has come home and cut her off after he told her he didn't ever love you / didn't love you anymore etc etc. I know my H's ow has real issues with understanding that side of it because of the stack of shit she was told, and is still spreading rumours about how I have been stalking her, nutter... . But you don't know what she was told by him - shedding light on this may help explain why she's being so daft and desperate. he owes you this, and the ability to get your head round it. Most things come out in the end and what's to say she's not going to have a few too many and start shouting it round at the next drinks do, in front of everyone?

But that's his problem, and he needs to sort it out as YOU are most important, as are your feelings. He chose to involve her in your relationship so it is his duty to clear up the mess that this left. Somewhere there's a 'support after his affair' thread, which may be helpful reading for you.

As for the job issue, think carefully about what YOU can handle, and how much you really trust him, not would like to trust him. If you can bear it then he stays, if not, he has to start looking elsewhere. He can stay in touch with his friends, but at the end of the day, he was selfish and has to live with the consequences. It shouldn't be on you to have to live every day thinking 'what if they're...?', it will send you mad and undermine your relationship. And he should recognise that.

Thanks for your opinions. I do love him and want to rebuild. Relate might be a good idea. I have hijacked his phone and for the last 12 hours at least there has been no messages .. so perhaps he has got the message through. DH has blocked her email address, in my prescence.

still not sure about making him give up his job. will just wait and see. in the meantime he has taken unpaid leave for a fornight.

why is he isolated Elizabeth?

i still want to know what his reaction was to her text... i don't think you said.

he sounds quite immature to me and i get the sense that you're the mature one in this relationship. are you two quite young?

PS When you've come to a decision about how you feel on the work contact issue, tell him and then say 'So, that's where I stand, what do you think you should do?'. Don't let him shift the blame for moving job onto you. He will resent you, when instead he should be clear that this is a consequence of his stupid, selfish actions. Particularly in the immediate aftermath of affairs, people's emotions are all over the place and being rational is near impossible, so think of it as being like talking to a toddler about why they shouldn't run into the road...

glad he has taken unpaid leave at least.
Another word of warning though - if she really is a nasty nutter she will think nothing of telling HR her side of the story and making him out to be harrassing her.

In the past has he responded to her texts at all - you really do need to know the full extent of what went on, so that if there is any comeback then you can tackle it together.

Agree with Happywoman - you need to explain that in the long run, it will be better for you to hear things direct from him so you can get angry / be upset and deal with it in your own time in the privacy of your own home, and with his support.

Far, far better than having to deal with it all suddenly if, for instance, he is suspended during a HR investigation if she mouths off to them (worst case scenario, I admit - but at that point he will be upset and seeking your support while you will be too busy going mad over what's been said to lead to that and finding out why it's happened - not good for either of you), or if she suddenly breaks down and screams and wails like a demented banshee in front of all and sundry at the pub after too many white wines.

You sound like a very strong person, but we all have our limits and affairs are certainly known to test them...

Elizabeth, HW and Abe are the experts (unfortunately)

Listen to them very closely

Elizabeth- I couldn't possibly read all of this post but I think that maintaining your dignity, as you have done, was a very good thing to do as opposed to having a bust up with the OW. Very best wishes in bringing some closure to all of this. Your DH is lucky to have such a dignified and forgiving DW.

My situation a little different to yours... exh kept in touch with his exgirlfriend for most of our marriage (she sought him out, made 'friends' with him again, and just bode her time... knowing full well he was married)... long story but they are now together!

I aimed all my anger at him and have kept my total calm with her apart from the odd texts (which have still been quite mild).

We have been apart 5 years now and I am still like a volcano waiting to erupt though... the very sight of her makes my blood boil and even though I've been adult about this for the sake of my children, I don't think I'll ever be truly content until I blow and give her a piece of my mind.

I would get hold of her, say your piece, change his phone number and then lay it to rest..... otherwise it may well be still eating you up years later...........

The difficulty is that each one of us sees this differently. For some, it is something that can be accepted and got over quite easily, others have said they would/did find it much more difficult to move on from when it happened to them. For me, and I suspect a fair number of others, it would be the end. I do not regard a 'casual shag' or a one night stand as acceptable within my relationship. I appreciate that some people on here do not want to be in a monogamous relationship. That's their choice. I, however, do want monogamy. When we married DH and I were very clear that our relationship was sexually exclusive. For me, a breach of that from either side, would mean the end of the relationship, because I know I would not be so restrained as you have been and I know myself well enough to know that however much I love my DH and however willing I would be to forgive him, I would never be able to look at him again without seeing him with 'her' and asking myself what I was lacking that made him even consider it. It would eat me up and for that reason I would have to leave the relationship.

Because we all have our own views on your situation, you are going to get many very different ideas and opinions about what you should do. But ultimately, only you know what you want to be the outcome. If you want to work on your relationship and believe you can, nobody on here is going to stop you. equally, if you decise that your relationship is over, you will get amazing support on here. Either way, you have my admiration for the way you have acted so far.

Once you have kids you owe it to them to give it a try, no matter what your principles are before (and probably why I have such trouble dealing with it).

sayit - i think now that i have had real time to think i would do things differently in the future.
The trouble is the lack of communication that seems to creep into many marriages.

I have now set some new boundaries in my 'new improved' marriage. I am still not saying that i have a perfect marriage but we are both much more able to talk through problems.

Elizabeth there is no right or wrong thing to do - and only you know what you need to put this to rest. Do take the time to figure this out for yourself and dont feel you have to stick to your decision.