WWYD? Persistent other woman!

[ElizabethCM]

Recently moved to new city to be near my family. DH found it difficult, initally, to get work and was feeling quite low and isolated. He eventually got a job and a woman he worked with developed a crush on him.

Anyhoo, one drunk night DH had a one night stand with the woman. Silly man!! I was so hurt and angry but we have a ten month dd and i forgave him ... he was very contrite, and we are, generally, a very very happy couple. I told him that if he wanted to be with the OW he could, and he could see dd whenever he liked. I didn't want to beg or blackmail him to stay. But he was adamant it was a crazy mistake and that he loves me, dd and our life. He was, he say's, temporarily insane.

I just want to forget the whole thing. He has some lovely friends from work and OW is in the group, so I have not made a big deal about him seeing her. A couple of times I have been out with the group and have always been nice to OW. Noone else knows and I don't want to make someone feel ostracised for one mistake.

BUT she is continually texting and calling DH trying to start a relationship. She "can't understand" why they can't be together.

So last night we met his friends for a drink and she was there. I behaved around her as I would around anyone, bit shy but polite. Half way through drinks she texts DH "I still love you". Argghhh!!!

WWYD?? I am so angry at her for trying to ruin my life, but just don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to give her fuel to hate me, I don't want to make the situation worse. Should I just trust DH and move on or should I ask her to leave us alone?? It is stressing me out....!!

Isn't it more a matter of breaking trust than wrapping your self esteem up in whether you can keep a padlock on someone else's genitals?

If somebody breaks your trust by stealing or a one night stand - or whatever it is - it's pretty crushing and not insignificant at all.

I've read some of this but not all so apologies if things have moved on fromthe first page - sorry just too busy/lazy to read it all. I would say that you need your OH to take her aside with both of you there, at a future function so that he can tell her, in front of you, that she must back off.

This will probably embarrass her enough to get her to back off and also reasure you.

you'll never move on until she is completely out of the picture. vamoosh. gone. bye bye.

love has obviously been declared by both sides at some point... seems he's sold a version of events to you that aren't necessarily factual.

i'd like to know what he did when he received the text about still loving him? what was his response?

ElizabethCM, you have been very polite so far, but I really think enough is enough and I agree with foxinsocks,
she sent your dh a text while sitting at the same table as you

I think you both being polite to her is sending her mixed messages,
she might not believe that you know, because your are being polite to her,
and she probably thinks shes still in with a chance if she waits long enough.

So I would get dh to tell her there is no chance and that you are the most important thing to him,
and I would make a point of goiong out with her again and pulling her aside in the ladies and warn her to stay away

But these are things I would do if I was as strong as you,
because honestly the minute my dh was polite to a woman he shagged would be the same minute he'd be bashed over the head and homeless

lol @ PBM

You see, while my point of view may not be the majority one, I think it's helpful to the OP to see that not everyone thinks that her sensible reaction means she's a doormat or in denial or whatever - and that the people who advocate violence over breaches of monogamy, or public humilation of others, are not necessarily right.

'and that the people who advocate violence over breaches of monogamy, or public humilation of others, are not necessarily right. '

But plenty of us have not advocated violence or public humiliation. If you've pledged monogamy with someone, however, it's not necessarily always clever or mature to basically ignore breaches of this, particularly when you have an OW who seems persistant.

Personally, I wasn't advocating violence or public humiliation

I detest threads where the OW is threatened with a slap etc, they make we wonder what decade we're living in.

But being extremely firm with DH - to the point of ultimatum - doesn't have to involve violence or humiliation.

Speaking for myself, I think that standing up for myself is a mark of maturity. I used to put up with all kinds of shit from men, making excuses for them as I went. I've grown up now.

When I read the first part of the post I thought good on you,
BUT to continue being polite to someone who has slept with my dh I would not do, or expect my dh to do, as I really think its is adding petrol to the flames,
she wants this woman out of her life, her dh needs to show the woman he dosen't want to know, not be nice to her infront of his wife, and she needs to show the OW that she knows and won't stand for it,
tbh the one night stand bit didn't bother me,
as much as the thought of the cheeky mare texting him while they were in the same company.
I'm not a violent person but I do think I would have to restrain myself!

And to me, a one-night stand has always been a stranger type of thing. Or a relative stranger - you know, meet someone at a party or gig or bar or a friend's house.

Work colleague?

Different ball of wax, IMO.

I agree with Plumbummum, she is getting mixed messages.

I think I would worry that my DH wasn't telling me the full story and that there was more emotional involvement pre-shag, also that he has maybe has more contact than you know (he still keeps her texts, so has a few of them to show you???).

It is all very strange and a bit suspicious I'm afraid.

I do think most people understand that when people get married there is an expectation of monogamy from both parties.
So if i knew a man was married i would assume him to have promised monogamy - if i did shag him (in a moment of madness) i think the least i would expect would be a mouthful of abuse and possibly a slap. If it was a genuine one night stand and no harm meant to split up the marriage i think as the ow (who also respects other human beings) i would be willing to explain to the wife - or am i just being niaeve??.

Elizabeth i think you find it easier to accept that she is the unhinged one rather than your h is still leading her on.

I think you need to talk to her to make yourself feel better - how would your h react to that??

If he says he will handle it - keep your gaurd up even more because what he means is he does not want you to talk to her.

where has the OP gone ?

I don't think he should have to look for another job on the basis of this. That's a pretty unreasonable demand, especially in the current climate.

Surely the mature response from him is to say he will keep out of the bunny-boiler's way, and the mature response from the OP is to accept that he means it. They've got to rebuild trust, after all.

So, UQD, if your wife shagged a work colleague of hers, you'd be happy with her still working and socialising with him?

In the current climate I'd be very unhappy with her walking out of her job because of it.

(If anything it should be the other woman who leaves their mutual workplace. She sounds like she's the one with the problem.)

uqd, but he is not "staying out of her way"

she is sending him texts saying "I still love you....."

and he doesn't appear to be able to/ want to put a proper stop to it

RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE WIFE'S NOSE

still love you ??????????

so those declarations have been made before, and not just by her, I would hazard

very, very fishy

the OP seems to have disappeared, and I totally understand why

her dh is a liar

I agree with the UQD though that in this climate I wouldn't expect dh to leave his job,
but UQD I wouldn't say the OW has a problem, she has slept with a guy she most likely fancied, she hasn't been told to p'off except in an email, which also stated that his wife knew, but when she meets the wife, the wife is polite to her,
Now in no way am I sticking up for the OW but you can see how she might think she is still in with a chance

Also, his excuse was that he got drunk on a works night out.

So seriously, UQD, if it were your wife who said she'd shagged a colleague because she was drunk on a night out, you'd be cool with her continuing to socialise with the chap?

Because I wouldn't say that's polite and mature.

I'd say that was an open marriage.

actually, the bit I agree with is that he shouldn't have to leave his job

not always practical is it, and there is no way I would eat beans on toast every night because we had no money 'cos he had been shagging around !!

that would be rubbing even more salt into the wound !

Better the beans on toast than worrying about what he was doing at work every day... I'll take poverty over a possible nervous breakdown / loss of marriage.

It would be okay if they work in a massive place and she is on another floor. But if she is his PA or he's her direct supervisor, it would be untenable.

And I agree there's way more to it than he's letting on.

I think the work situation needs to be clarified. It's entirely possible they work in separate buildings and don't have to see each other.