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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD? Persistent other woman!

169 replies

ElizabethCM · 05/07/2009 03:55

Recently moved to new city to be near my family. DH found it difficult, initally, to get work and was feeling quite low and isolated. He eventually got a job and a woman he worked with developed a crush on him.

Anyhoo, one drunk night DH had a one night stand with the woman. Silly man!! I was so hurt and angry but we have a ten month dd and i forgave him ... he was very contrite, and we are, generally, a very very happy couple. I told him that if he wanted to be with the OW he could, and he could see dd whenever he liked. I didn't want to beg or blackmail him to stay. But he was adamant it was a crazy mistake and that he loves me, dd and our life. He was, he say's, temporarily insane.

I just want to forget the whole thing. He has some lovely friends from work and OW is in the group, so I have not made a big deal about him seeing her. A couple of times I have been out with the group and have always been nice to OW. Noone else knows and I don't want to make someone feel ostracised for one mistake.

BUT she is continually texting and calling DH trying to start a relationship. She "can't understand" why they can't be together.

So last night we met his friends for a drink and she was there. I behaved around her as I would around anyone, bit shy but polite. Half way through drinks she texts DH "I still love you". Argghhh!!!

WWYD?? I am so angry at her for trying to ruin my life, but just don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to give her fuel to hate me, I don't want to make the situation worse. Should I just trust DH and move on or should I ask her to leave us alone?? It is stressing me out....!!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 05/07/2009 13:20

Then custy rode in on a horse and pretty much summed up what I was thinking (was trying to be diplomatic, but hey, shagging another woman isn't exactly the same as a cosy chat over a cuppa, is it).

expatinscotland · 05/07/2009 13:25

If you know he's not replying to her OP, then I reckon you can trust him.

I'm still trying to get my head round how you trust a person who did that with another woman - yep, custy's right in her rather graphic description - and still has contact with her. At all.

There was a female poster on here who had sex with another man, and everyone was adamant that she should never, ever see this man again.

But somehow in the scenario it's seen as laudable that this dude's not only still working with this gal but also still seeing her socially. At all. Ever.

And he's trustworthy?

Like I said, sorry to be harsh Elizabeth, but I think you're still in denial, because the truth about what's he's actually done is too great. I can understand that. But pretending it didn't happen unfortunately probably won't work in the long-run.

expatinscotland · 05/07/2009 13:26

Sorry, I left off the quotation marks:
'If you know he's not replying to her OP, then I reckon you can trust him. '

GreenMonkies · 05/07/2009 13:36

If I'm brutally honest I'd have packed his bags and changed the locks. I've been in relationships with unfaithful men in the past, and I've learned my lesson, once it's done it's done, and whilst I know some people do get past it and carry on, for me I never regained 100% trust, and that "did he do that to her?" when you're having sex was always there. I forgave and forgot twice, and each one did it again, thinking I'd forgive again, they were both wrong!

He needs to get tough here. New phone number, no social contact with her outside work, and ultimately, new job too. Don't be too easy on him, it may have been a drunken mistake, but he must have awesome alcohol tolerance if he could be so drunk he forgot about his wife and daughter, but still managed to perform, and perform well enough for her to want to repeat the deed. Did he use protection? Do you need to go and get tested? If he did, where did the condoms come from, did she have them or did he??

I know I am a bitter old cynic but I'd take all of it with a big pinch of salt and do some very serious thinking.

noddyholder · 05/07/2009 13:39

I wouldn't buy in too much to the 'moment of madness' excuse tbh.Youfor any reason is need to work out what he will do next time he feels under pressure etc as having sex with someone else not the ideal reaction to anything

expatinscotland · 05/07/2009 13:41

I used to drink way, way too much. When I was doing this and single, I used to have one-nighters (NOT with married blokes) and flings. I used it to get rid of inhibitions that were admittedly pretty low to begin with - I liked pulling and sleeping around. I found it fun.

Drink is just an excuse to behave how you wanted to behave in the first place.

It's a lame excuse, too.

'I was drunk.' Bollocks. Basically it means, 'I'd been wanting to screw him/her for ages and getting plastered gave us an excuse to do what we wanted to do anyway.'

expatinscotland · 05/07/2009 13:41

x-posted with noddy.

noddyholder · 05/07/2009 13:42

sorry keyboard going mad!

junglist1 · 05/07/2009 13:42

Because I was called inadequate over a comment I made. Whatever. If you want a row, start another thread, but I don't think I can be arsed getting upset over stupid comments again.

posiedullardparker · 05/07/2009 13:46

I cannot believe anyone has as little backbone or self worth as the OP. FFS you're not being understanding you're being a pushover.

If the OW texts again in your presence you should and your DH should ask her together to stop texting. I don't think he should be out drinking with her either.

AvengingGerbil · 05/07/2009 13:48

It's all very well saying OP's DH must get a new job: haven't you heard there's a recession on?

ilovemydogandmrobama · 05/07/2009 13:51

Something doesn't make sense. She has far too many emotions for an alleged one night stand. It isn't that he's showing you the text messages now, but the ones earlier.

I think he promised her a relationship and said he was going to let you down gently.

Do you really need to do anything about the text messages other than just ignore them?

expatinscotland · 05/07/2009 13:53

'It's all very well saying OP's DH must get a new job: haven't you heard there's a recession on? '

Plenty of us have still changed jobs or found jobs in the recession, too.

But hey, my DH knows he'd be out the door because I couldn't be arsed worrying about someone who treats his family with so little respect.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 05/07/2009 13:54

She doesn't have any claim on his affections.

He owes her nothing.

He owes you everything and you need to tell him to sort it out with her or he is out. If you mean that.

FWIW I probably would forgive my DH having a one night stand but he would have to do a lot more than yours seems to be doing to make things better.

junglist1 · 05/07/2009 13:54

Could be ilove, but hopefully she's being sour because he's finished with her, and is just trying to wind the OP up out of spite. The main thing is that H is genuine.

2rebecca · 05/07/2009 14:02

I wouldn't leave my husband over 1 casual shag and think there are much worse things a man can do then get carried away by his penis occasionally.
I wouldn't meet this woman however. mainly because I'd be afraid she'd come out with stuff about what they did in bed together, how husband said I was rubbish in bed and she was wonderful etc. This sounds like a woman who is a bit deluded about your husband and infatuated and will invent unpleasant stuff if she thinks you may kick him out and he'll run to her. Part of me in this situation would never know whether the stuff she said was true or not.
If he otherwise enjoys the job I'd let him keep it, but no socialising with her at all, and he should make it clear to her, even if that means humiliating her in front of people that he is not interested and she is to leave him alone.

ilovemydogandmrobama · 05/07/2009 14:22

Tescos are just dreadful. I complained once that the disabled toilets (where the baby changing table is) had been out of order for past 4 months, and was a bit annoying as the other toilets were upstairs and the lift was broken.

The Customer Service person said, 'couldn't you take the stairs???'

ilovemydogandmrobama · 05/07/2009 14:23

oops. wrong thread

totalmisfit · 05/07/2009 14:35

you sound like you have very low self esteem and perhaps you are not being entirely honest with yourself about your true feelings.

i think calling your h a 'silly man' when he has sex with another woman absolves him of responsibility for his actions, as does his ridiculous plea of temporary insanity.

I hate to break it to you but he knew exactly what he was doing.

I think getting some regular counselling asap would help you to get in touch with what is really going on here.

shockers · 05/07/2009 14:38

You need to speak to this woman... tell her your husband has shown you the texts, tell her you told him he could go to her if that's what he really wanted and tell her he said no.... lastly, tell her to get lost and if you still don't feel better, i think a slap would be fully justified considering what she has been up to.
I do admire your dignity... i just hope it's not being perceived as weakness by the harlot. Good luck, I hope you resolve this.

FlyMeToDunoon · 05/07/2009 15:00

I think you should just ask your DH to get a new phone and number. You take old phone to Oxfam to make sure it is gone.
I admire your dignity too and don't think you are acting like a doormat.

Laquitar · 05/07/2009 15:05

I think some posters are sceptical because they don't believe that ow would continue sending these messages without a green light from your Dh. I actually believe it because i have met women like this. I used to work with a loon woman who was behaving like this. She was a fantasist.

If this is the case you have to put a united front with your dh and face her together, in a polite but sharp way. Emphasise how united you are and she will give up (if she is fantasist like my colegue then she has created in her mind a story about your dh being in love with her, your mariage is bad etc) If you face her alone you will fuel this fantasy. Face her united and she 'll disapear in 5 min for good.

Ripeberry · 05/07/2009 15:25

Stop socialising with this woman, block her phone number, don't talk to her and if she even dares to fondle your DH in front of you, then you are entitled to scream at the witch!
Don't act like a doormat as you will end up as the loser.
Too many bunny boiler women out there, trying to get their claws in other women's husbands

expatinscotland · 05/07/2009 16:34

This thread has driven me to utter despair by the sheer numbers of women who have almost completely absolved this low life cheating scumbag of a husband to label this woman a bunny boiler and worse.

I've always said I'd never be disappointed in my daughters but you know what, if they are spineless enough to basically blow off their own spouse f*cking another person and basically put all teh blame on the other party then yeah, I'd be pretty disappointed.

expatinscotland · 05/07/2009 16:36

'Too many bunny boiler women out there, trying to get their claws in other women's husbands '

And too many men who take their snakes out of their cages for such women.

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