WWYD? Persistent other woman!

[ElizabethCM]

Recently moved to new city to be near my family. DH found it difficult, initally, to get work and was feeling quite low and isolated. He eventually got a job and a woman he worked with developed a crush on him.

Anyhoo, one drunk night DH had a one night stand with the woman. Silly man!! I was so hurt and angry but we have a ten month dd and i forgave him ... he was very contrite, and we are, generally, a very very happy couple. I told him that if he wanted to be with the OW he could, and he could see dd whenever he liked. I didn't want to beg or blackmail him to stay. But he was adamant it was a crazy mistake and that he loves me, dd and our life. He was, he say's, temporarily insane.

I just want to forget the whole thing. He has some lovely friends from work and OW is in the group, so I have not made a big deal about him seeing her. A couple of times I have been out with the group and have always been nice to OW. Noone else knows and I don't want to make someone feel ostracised for one mistake.

BUT she is continually texting and calling DH trying to start a relationship. She "can't understand" why they can't be together.

So last night we met his friends for a drink and she was there. I behaved around her as I would around anyone, bit shy but polite. Half way through drinks she texts DH "I still love you". Argghhh!!!

WWYD?? I am so angry at her for trying to ruin my life, but just don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to give her fuel to hate me, I don't want to make the situation worse. Should I just trust DH and move on or should I ask her to leave us alone?? It is stressing me out....!!

Amen to that!

I think the women are now being harder on the woman because the bloke sounds as though he's trying to work on his marriage and the woman won't leave him alone. If the roles were reversed I'd blame the persuer. They were both equally culpable before, him more so in many respects as he's married.
I don't think she's a bunny boiler, but I wouldn't want my husband socialising at all with her, and would insist he be blunt and if necessary rude to her if she keeps persuing him.

'but I wouldn't want my husband socialising at all with her, and would insist he be blunt and if necessary rude to her if she keeps persuing him.'

How can he be working on his marriage and trying to sort things out when he's still socialising with her and not being rude to her to make it clear he's not going to get together with her?

Actions speak louder than words, and when a person cocks up that badly and really wants to put things right, they'd never, ever socialise with that other party again, no matter how embarrassing it is for them - that's part of the consequences of his actions.

Expat - your continued use of "spineless" in relation to this op is over the top.

She is, in no way, "blowing off" her husbands part in this and blaming it all on OW. She has repeatedly said this.

The reason the OW is the focus of this thread is because the initial fallout of the affair is over - the issue now is the OW very determined refusal to let go.

Leaves a very bad taste in the mouth how some posters are ignoring anything this OP says in order to continue painting her as someone who is blindly excusing any old shit her DH chucks her way.

you're entitled to your opinion. i'm entitled to mine, although IMO custy actually put it better.

Sorry but all this talk of blowing off husbands and then a bad taste in the mouth is making me PMSL

OP, I wonder if you are in a state of shock from the initial news of the one night stand? Because your reaction is coming across as unusually cool. I have sometimes been able to cope with bad situations seemingly very well and calmly at the time, but later on the anger etc kicks in. Maybe this is happening to you too?

Maybe a few sessions at Relate would not go amiss?

I think my own reaction would be to tell DH that if he has any contact with this woman again then he is out on his ear, so he had better sort something out about blocking his number/making sure they are never at social funcitons again and getting a new job. If it had 'just' been a one night stand then it might have been possible to just move on, but the fact that she is clearly chasing your DH means that that ain't going to happen.

I don't understand why you 'can't' block her number?
I also don't understand why in the Op, you said A couple of times I have been out with the group and have always been nice to OW yet later on you say 'he does not "see her socially", just the one time when i was there.'
So which is it? several times or just once?
You also said 'I am so angry at her for trying to ruin my life,' and yet later on you are telling us how you feel she has a claim on your husband's affections! She has no claim on your husband at all! How you can even think that is beyond me. Whilst he was the one who betrayed you, she certainly played her part didn't she! And she clearly knows he is married. I have a certain amount of sympathy for women who get pulled in by a liar telling them their marriage is over etc, but that doesn't appear to be the case here. rather unfashionable I know, but any woman who knowingly beds a married man who is still living with his wife and children, loses her right to be treated with respect by the wife. I would be saying something next time the group is together. i would say it in public so that the other wives would know what sort of woman their husbands work with!

Thanks Fenella. That is what I want advice on, whether I should ask OW to back off. The general consensus (except for the consensus that i am spineless and Dh is a c**t ) is that i should make DH be completely clear, change the number and don't socialise anymore with her.

I have met her a few times together w DH, but only once since I dsicovered the one night stand. I do think there was flirtation leading up to the sex, I think DH has behaved very badly, but we have dealt with that! I DID get angry!! I did leave him!! But now we are making things work and OW is not getting the message.

Honestly I don't have low self esteem!! I am not being cockholded in any way!! the fling has been dealt with b/w DH and me.

Sayithowitis, DH has shown me the texts, I didn't see them on the bill. He shows me because I feel nervous about everything, I don't know what to think, so sometimes I ask whether she has contacted him and he will show me a text or two....

Having read the whole thread - and also been in your position (although my h had a full blown affair).

There are some warning signs - you ask if there has been any contact and he shows you a couple of texts - and yet you believe he is not texting her. Surely if she is texting him and not getting any reply she would have got fed up by now and if you h was serious about saving your marriage he would tell her to stop and if not report her - and that is not being unreasonable - if she really is harrassing him!!!!! Does he ever just show you the texts without you asking?? I also now believe that a man will only tell the bare minimum - again dont be afraid to 'check up' his story.

Why would he want to still see this women who played a part in the near destruction of his marriage? I know it was his fault too but why does the sight of her not fill him with regret and remorse and disgust at what he has done?? My h simply could not stand being anywhere near the ow once he had 'come to his senses' and made damm sure he was never at any function where he knew she would be. That may be tough but if the marriage is that important then it is a small price to pay.

And dont ever think about not making her feel bad - she has zero respect for you and you owe her nothing - I agree that as another human being you should treat her with some degree of respect BUT ffs she is not showing you any - that is where you are being a doormat imo. Stop being the nice girl.

I think you should step back and see how it looks from the outside - dont be afraid of others knowing - and again that is tough on you h, but that is for him to deal with not for you to have to feel in any way bad about his actions - it is not a reflection on you in any way. You are protecting both your h and her - WHY.

Anyway i wish you luck - it is not an easy thing to forgive this.

he will show you a "couple of texts"...........

oh dear

that smacks of censorship on his part

ok, I have watched this whole thread

based on the information you have given, I would speak to the OW

purely because I think your husband is lying to you, and continues to do so

I do not think you have had the whole truth

maybe you won't get it from her either, maybe she will lie and exaggerate what went on, but at least you may force him to admit more than he has

unless you don't want to know, in which case, stay the hell away from her, put it behind you and trust your dh has come to his senses

I agree with AF. I would make this your DH's problem too, not yours why should you be worried why isn't he worried out of his wits? Angry that she's trying to ruin his marriage? It just doesn't add up.

Hi Happywoman - good to see you and your excellent advice. OP listen to her - she knows what she is talking about and I second it. My H can't even bear to use the OW's name and has lost contact with some of his old friends because he doesn't want to have to think about her - he finds the whole thing awful and he can't believe he did it.

Interestingly he used the same excuse, namely 'it was like I was someone different' in those few weeks. Must be in the mens' infidelity manual (TM), alongside 'it just happened' and 'I didn't think about the consequences' yawn

It's time your H stopped being so wet and stood up for you, tbh. Whatever he said in his break up message to her clearly wasn't good enough. He now needs to make clear that any more contact will be classed as harassment and he will be speaking to a solicitor / HR if so. I'm sure HR have dealt with such things before, sadly.

Don't talk to OW. If you do, you are simply sending her a message that she matters in your house and that your DH finds himself unable for whatever reason to tell her to fuck off.

What is his reason for being unable to tell her to fuck off?

I must confess I do share the cynicism of others here - if he really was utterly in bits about his one night stand, then he'd do anything and everything to make amends, including making his feelings abundantly known to OW.

I suspect it either wasn't just a one night stand, or that it was but he isn't sure it might not happen again. Sorry, I know that's not what you'd like to hear. I just don't get why the OW has become your problem when it should be him falling over himself to fix this.

Elizabeth: if you trust your H (and are smart and mature enough to understand that a drunken one night stand really isn't the end of the world) then honestly the best thing both you and your H can do is ignore the woman and act like nothing happened. If she's desperate and inclined to obsessiveness she may escalate her behaviour - or, more likely, she will fixate on someone else. If she's acting out of malice ie trying to break up your marriage or hurt you then ignoring her will absolutely infuriate her and help you retain the complete moral high ground.
If there is something going on that your H has not told you about, remaining calm and dignified is still your best option, given that snooping and pitching screaming fits do not ever make a person remain monogamous or remain in a relationship if they have decided not to do so. ANd if you appear calm and dignified you will fell calm and dignified and retain all your self-respect.

I haven't had a very thorough read through (dashing around to get ready for holiday) but I wanted to offer possible perspective from the other woman's point of view, and a possible solution!

A few years ago while I was still single, I started something up again with an ex from uni. He said everything was over with his most recent ex, but then I found out they actually were still together. I had very mixed messages, certainly I would often think 'he's not really into me' but that intensified my crush. At other times he was really full-on, and we did sleep together once (again, before I found out he was still with her all along). We had lots of texts, emails etc.

Could well be that your husband had the same sort of thing - flirtation and 'dates' over a long period, but just one shag, at which point he felt really guilty.

As I was single and his hot/cold behaviour had intensified my crush, I was much more forward than I'd be with someone in a normal dating situation. Really threw myself at him sometimes and read much more into everything he said & did. Clearly he kept it chugging along to boost his ego.

Then one day, out of the blue he left a message on my answer machine - Hi, [porcupine], I'm here with [her name] and we're very much together, so erm, I won't be seeing you again.' This was the first I knew of them being back together, and was bit shocked but actually it made me get over it almost instantly.

She had obviously made him call me while she was in the room, to be sure he was actually giving me the message that he'd told her was (which he obviously wasn't before). Perhaps your DH is behaving the same way, and you really need to witness him telling her to back off. Obv she knows you're still together as you've been out together at the same events, but is he really making it clear that there will never be another time? Maybe he very much likes the attention. And if she's really hung up on him, she'll take ANY vaguely positive sign (such as 'friendliness' as encouragement.

sgb, some women would find a one-night stand a deal-breaker

please do not imply that makes them not smart and mature

OP, show porcupines post to your DH

I think that, unless you have agreed to be open, in a marriage, even a one-night stand can be a deal breaker.

Not for some, but I echo AnyFucker's sentiments.

Of course a one night stand can be a deal breaker, smartness and maturity have nothing to do with it.

Well I don't think is is smart and mature to attach too much importance to a one-night stand. Far better not to have your self-esteem bound up in whether or not you can keep a padlock on someone else's genitals.

That's because to you, marriage is a foreign concept. It's not to others and, believe it or not, for some it never even enters their minds to want to shag someone other than their spouse. In fact, the very thought sort of makes them sick.

Most people in long term relationships do expect faithfulness SGB, and are willing to offer faithfulness in return.

To me, that is vastly more 'mature' then following your every whim and shagging people you don't love.

Not saying your pov is wrong, but it is definitely in the minority.

sgb, I also feel that turning a blind eye to infidelity in a non-open marriage is just about the worst thing you can do for your dignity and self-respect

you do talk silly sometimes

Elizabeth, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It's a shitty thing your H has done, and it is made even worse by your knowing your H has to still work with this woman and for you to have to see her. That must hurt a lot.

It worries me greatly that her text said "I still love you". Unless she is a totally mad crazy lady, that text implies that she & your H had something much more serious that a one night stand. That implies that they have had at least an emotional affair as well as one drunken shag. Possibly they had even more than this.

Once in my youth I am ashamed to say that I had a drunken one night stand with a work colleague who had a long-term serious girlfriend. It is not a moment I am particularly proud of. BUT...at this place of work we all used to go out together a lot socially, sometimes with our partners (I was single then). After this one night stand, this colleague stopped coming out so frequently and once his g/f turned up and he made sure he & some other colleagues went somewhere else with her. Now, this could have been because he was terrified that I would say something to her (I wouldn't), but actually he seemed - all things considered - to be quite a decent sort and I think it was out of respect for his g/f that he did not want her to be around me.

Your H should not be putting you in the horrible position of having to socialise with the person you know he betrayed you with. That to me is a slap in the face. What he needs to do now is to put you before all else and demonstrate his respect (to you!).

I think the best advice on here is for your H to call this woman while you are with him and ask her to stop harrassing him otherwise he will take it further. I do not think it would be in your best interest to talk to her yourself.