WWYD? Persistent other woman!

[ElizabethCM]

Recently moved to new city to be near my family. DH found it difficult, initally, to get work and was feeling quite low and isolated. He eventually got a job and a woman he worked with developed a crush on him.

Anyhoo, one drunk night DH had a one night stand with the woman. Silly man!! I was so hurt and angry but we have a ten month dd and i forgave him ... he was very contrite, and we are, generally, a very very happy couple. I told him that if he wanted to be with the OW he could, and he could see dd whenever he liked. I didn't want to beg or blackmail him to stay. But he was adamant it was a crazy mistake and that he loves me, dd and our life. He was, he say's, temporarily insane.

I just want to forget the whole thing. He has some lovely friends from work and OW is in the group, so I have not made a big deal about him seeing her. A couple of times I have been out with the group and have always been nice to OW. Noone else knows and I don't want to make someone feel ostracised for one mistake.

BUT she is continually texting and calling DH trying to start a relationship. She "can't understand" why they can't be together.

So last night we met his friends for a drink and she was there. I behaved around her as I would around anyone, bit shy but polite. Half way through drinks she texts DH "I still love you". Argghhh!!!

WWYD?? I am so angry at her for trying to ruin my life, but just don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to give her fuel to hate me, I don't want to make the situation worse. Should I just trust DH and move on or should I ask her to leave us alone?? It is stressing me out....!!

This isn't a dignity issue though.her partner has risked everything for a one night stand and has had the good fortune to have a wife who has chosen to work it out and make things work.unfortunately that doesn't seem to be enough for him and he is now rubbing her face in it by continuing a SOCIAL LIFE with this woman.The phone number should have been barred from day one or does he like the attention?She should have been told in no uncertain terms by HIM that it was a huge error of judgement and he loves his wife etc etc.The ball is in his court now.I would either expect nothing less than absolutely no contact or I would be looking at my relationship and thinking What is in this for me?He sounds a spoilt selfish arse tbh

You have been far too nice about this. Tell the bunny boiler to bog off.

does she know that you know the whole story? all the sordid details?

Dignity is good, yes 0- but it only comes from self respect and respect for others@Solid. I wouldn't say anyone is showing much respect for each other or themselves here.

I wouldn't stoop to public spats with the OW or spiteful actions like some people have suggested - but I dothink that any infidelity, whether or a one night stand or more, is a major dealbreaker in a marriage.

If it's going to be forgiven and a couple are going to move on, there needs to be some major work from the cheating partner, not just a brushing under the carpet jobby.

Does that make me insane?

he isn't behaving badly anymore. he isnt "socialising" with her (once, with me, with a group). he has told her that he loves me and has told her to stop calling/texting (i saw the email). when we were out he was very loving and affecionate to me. and he was polite to her. he shagged her! he owes her the decency to be kind at least! she has a claim on his affections, he has rebuffed her, and now she is unhappy. its unfortunate but i don't see why i should get hysterical. what would be gained???

i'm not a doormat. and i am not too nice!! i just don't want a difficult situation to get worse. i just wanted opinions on whether i should talk to (email) ow myself or let it be.

this thread is making me feel worse!

I would speak to her if I was you. I would arrange to go for coffee (if you are brave enough). Tell her (politely) that dh has told you everything and that you are going to make a go of your marriage and you'd appreciate it if she could back off. Takes guts to do that I think. This will also give her the opportunity to tell you if anything else has happened tbh.

fwiw, I think you've done brilliantly. I'd like to think I'd act the same way tbh. But I also wouldn't want her anywhere near us. Not that I wouldn't trust dh - think I'd find it too painful.

yes, she knows i know the full story. the sordid details.

no mrs. mattie, it doesn't make you insane but i don't think we are sweeping it under the carpet. we have talked a lot about it. i left for a while (a week)to have a break to think. that was great. we have really reconnected as a couple. he shows me all her texts, not in a "what a nutter" way but in a "what a mess i have made" way.

he is contrite. i have forgiven him. but ow is just there all the time and it makes me sad! i guess it is not enough time to really just move on...?

god, who knows. stupid men

if he really makes it clear to her and you do too she may leave the job altogether!

thanks foxinsocks. i might do that. though she might be hostile, which would be awful.

It's good he told her to stop calling,and he's being affectionate in public. But I disagree he owes her anything. He owes you and your children, she knew he had a family, and still chose to see him, and she's persisting in disrespecting you. Seeing as she won't listen to him, I'd speak to her, and tell her you'd appreciate it if she stopped trying it on. He can come with you, then she can see you both telling her to her face. Sorry you feel worse now, I understand you don't want to inflame anything, but she's now pushing it.

Socialising with colleagues is meant to be a pleasure and it never is going to be with this canker in the midst - seeing her there is always going to spoil the view.

That's why your dh needs to a)ultimately look for another job so that you can genuinely enjoy going out together, but in the meantime HE needs to b)evolve a group of friends that does not include her c)get a new number. I can understand the rationale of not fueling the fire, ignore her long enough and she'll go away but he also needs to ACT to protect your regained happiness, as well as SAY the right things.

I think you are doing amazingly and totally agree that people shouldn't resort to violence or nastiness with the ow (or their partner's for that matter)!

I probably wouldn't speak to her myself - just ask your partner to contact her once just to be brutally honest. It is also kinder to her in the long run.

"I still love you"

umm, what????

One does not love someone based on a one night stand. I suspect they'd had a flirtation before hand, perhaps on-going at work, probably because, as you say, he was lonely and so on, but for you two to be able to move on and get past this he has to stop her from doing this kind of thing.

If he won't speak to her, then you need to. Preferably both of you together. I had a slightly similar situation a few years ago, a girl in was being very flirtatious with DP, she was part of his social group, a friend of a friend, and she essentially teased him and used him to make herself feel good. We had just had DD2 (she had been cooing over her at a friends wedding, so she knew all about me and the DD's) so there was no excuse for the way they both behaved, her for being so provocative, him for responding. When it all first came out she continued to text him and email him as if nothing had changed, so I had a long chat with DP, and then with her, via email, MSN and then face to face. She admitted that she had been completely out of order, even though she said she hadn't realised at the time . You can do this with dignity, but you must make it clear to this woman that she has no chance, and your DH needs to do it too, and if she continues to contact your DH after you've been so reasonable get a mag light and cave her head in.

Firstly, just to say that I am sorry that you are in this situation and that it has somehow fallen to you to deal with and resolve it.

Just dont get some things though. WHY is your DH showing you the texts rather than stamping her alleged persuit of him out? Sadly I have supported a friend whose DP set up him rejection of a woman who continued to see for 2 years after he was caught. So for that reason, added to my scepticism in these situations.

Secondly, you say you hecked his phone bills and there were loads of texts received FROM her but none TO her. Now, I know that I have a crappy old phone BUT, my bills do not show the details of the calls or texts that i have received - only those I have made. Is it possible have misunderstood that info?

Lastly if you are right about that, WHY hasnt he sent her any texts? Even in reply to tell her,on a daily basis if need be to Eff Right Off and leave you BOTH alone. Cant help thinking that a man who hasnt stopped her fom sending unweanted texts, may not have stopped much else. Sorry, that's not what you'll want to here, but if its way off the mark, i hope what i've said will be too absurd to offend.

I cannot believe you would even consider speaking to her!

Because if you had any sort of backbone this wouldn't even be an issue, he would know that he needed to sort out his own fuck up, by at the very least making it extremely clear in no uncertain terms to her that there is nothing there, also by getting a new job and changing his number.

He's lonely and you want him to keep his friends?

Are you for real?

I don't know about you, but I don't shag my friends. They're just, well, friends.

Look, it's your life, but you came on here and asked opinions if you should speak to her.

No, because you shouldn't have to.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

could you and your husband speak to her together. Tell her again that nothing is going to happen and that if he doesn't leave your dh alone and stop all innappropriate contact then you will consider it as harrassment?

sounds like a bunny boiler.

ElizabethCM,

Please don't feel bad about people's responses on here - everyone is on your side

Can I put a slightly different perspective on this please? I think that the way you have responded has been very composed and restrained, and i would agree with the posters who are saying that it shouldn't be up to you to speak to her, but up to DH, IF the situations was slightly different...

You see, if she (they, actually) had just made a mistake that would be one thing, but the OW is openly and deliberately being VERY disprespectful to YOU. She has sent your DH a text saying she still loves him, assuming he'll receive it while you are sitting next to him. At that stage the situation changed IMHO. She has now overtly picked a fight with you. She has deliberately treated you like you have 'mug' written on your forehead. In addition DH is obviously struggling to control the situation.

I wouldn't give her a clout - she might go to the police! If it was me, i think I would go out with them socially one more time, simply in order to makes sure you meet. then I would ask her to accompany me outside for a quiet word. if she refuses to leave the group, so be it, you do it in public , then I would very calmly (actually I probably wouldn't be very calm , but it seems you probably can be) explain that she needs to get her own life - or however you wish to put it.

In addition, I'd probably make it clear that it would be hurtful for you and DH if everyone finds out about their 'mistake' but it'll be a darn sight more embarrassing for her if everyone knows she's been hounding him - even when you are there - and acting like some bunny boiling, home-wrecking, tart!!

well done for seeing things so clearly and behaving so well , but what I'm saying is she has actually now made this your problem to deal with.

Elizabeth, I have had a similar situation when my DP was pestered by his ex for over a year. He was trying to be kind and understand because she had been clinically depressed.
I asked him to end things and the only thing that seemed to work was when he replied to her text telling her that I knew all about her and not to text again ever. Luckily, he then lost his phone (subconscious?)so changed networks and didn't give his number to anyone who would pass it on.
I think your involvement would help to resolve this, because she clearly believes there is a secret world which she inhabits with your DH, where she can communicate with him in an uninhibited fashion whenever she likes.
Is she aware that you know about the affair?
Could you both speak to her, invite her for lunch or something and tell her you are both very unhappy about what she is doing and ask her to stop.
She might be hostile, but tbh what is the worst that can happen: she gets angry with you. How would that affect you, you aren't friends and it would make no difference to you if she actively dislikes you.
If she is angry with your DH that would be a seachange for her, perhaps she could use that to move on.
I wonder if you could go to relate, to discuss how this situation is affecting you and your relationship.

Agree with Fourkids, she is disrespecting you (and children). Sparing her feelings has to stop (that's if she has any).

oh aren't you acting very 'grown-up' about the whole thing!

you keep saying your not a dormat - but umm - you just are.

in your situation - i would refuse to meet with see speak with other woman. DH would get another job.

yeah i know we all have responsabilites mortgage and everything - but my marriage comes first - so in your situation - it would be another job - pronto - i wouldn't care doing what.

i would make these my conditions of living foever knowng that be fucked another woman - kissed her, stroked her hair and breasts and fanny.

what a lovely situation for your dh to be in - two women. how nice. at the same social event - pukka - secret texts - ego boosted - wifey all nice about the whole thing.

lovely.

i think i would pack dh's stuff and tell him to fuck off until he has sorted his shit to be honest. its his mess he has created.

and another thing - she 'still' loves him - don't even for a minute think that thee wasn't flirting - eye contact - secret finger touches when passing documents to each other - i bet this frisson has been going on for ages.

its bullshit man - bullshit - and how convenient for your dh that your so mature about the whole thing.

I think Custardo should meet her!!!

but then in your situation dh would have to seriously earn his was back.

forgiveness over the course of a couple of weeks would be nothing - he would have to fight for me if he wanted me.

my dh would have been out on his arse and he knows it - theres no fucking about in casa del custy - theres too much to lose

I can't help but agree with Custy.

Elizabeth - I really am on your side, so please don't take this the wrong way. Any harshness or anger in my posts is on your behalf.

However, I do think that you need to get tough - much, much tougher than you have been. It's not necessary to be spiteful or 'hysterical'. It is necessary to state your boundaries a bit more forcefully. From the outside, it looks like your bottom line is extremely low.

The reasonable and right thing for your husband to do is to get another job, change his telephone number and completely cut all contact with this woman. If he really respects and loves you, he should really have done this straight away. Actoins speak miles louder than words.

Jesus. What a situation. OP, you are far more tolerant and understanding than me to be able to deal with this in the way that you have.

I think it is up to your DH to lay down his boundaries and explain that it is really quite boring to be still receiving these texts. If she can find it in herself to be half as reasonable about this as you have been, then she would see that he has made his mistakes and his choices and leave you all well alone to get on with your lives.

Or......

She may have sent the text in a moment if pissed-ness. We've all done it, sent a stupid text that seemed like a really good idea at the time and woke up the next day cringing and mortified at ourselves. If that is possibly the case, then maybe ignoring it is the best thing to do as she might be so embarrassed that she never does it again?

I think you are being very, very understanding about this and that your DH should be humbled at how you have dealt with it, he is a lucky man! I hope he realises it!!

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