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Original poster

Do I have to put up with my DH looking at porn? Is this just normal?

53 replies

peggysuegotmarried · 17/06/2009 15:42

Have just found that once again my DH has spent the evening (last night) looking at pornwhilst I was asleep. This happened previously and we had a big fight when I found out and he said it would never happen again. It has. AIBU to mind about this - is this something that most men do when they have some free time and think they won't get caught? Our sex life has been a bit crap recently post baby but even so....
Would like to hear what other people think and what they would do/have done about this....
Makes me feel very crap and unsexy as I already feel down about my post natal body

OP posts:
nickytwotimes · 17/06/2009 15:45

I would be pissed off too.
I take it he knows that it makes you feel bad about yourself? I personally don't like it because of what goes on in the porn industry (though someone could well argue that women and indeed men are exploited in many industries I suppose) but if it is making you feel bad about yourself then by all means ask him to stop.

mumsiebumsie · 17/06/2009 15:50

If you don't like it, he shouldn't do it. IMO he's being disloyal to you by continuing. You have a right to insist he stops.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 17/06/2009 15:51

You should not have to put up with it. If he needs sexual release, then by all means have a w**k in the shower or whatever.

But you've recently had a baby, and quite normally maybe lacking in sex drive and utterly exhausted.

If he has free time to be looking at porn while you catch up on sleep, then maybe he is not doing enough to help you. He should be better spending his time making sure you aren't so tired so you can enjoy time together as a couple.

YanknCock · 17/06/2009 15:57

Doesn't bother me, DH doesn't have to worry about 'getting caught' because I don't object to it. That said, he is discreet and I'd never know about it if I didn't ask. A very good sex advice columnist has suggested that the world would be a much better place if men were discreet and women looked the other way. Would save loads of arguing.

It's sad to see so many women taking it so personally. Really, the porn watching is not about you. If he was trawling personal ads or having webcam sex, then you'd be perfectly justified in being angry. He isn't cheating, and it doesn't sound like he's avoiding you in favour of porn (do correct me if I'm wrong).

Loads of women feel the same as you do, so I'm bound to get a flaming here, but just offering another perspective.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 17/06/2009 15:57

Why is it OK to wank in the shower, but not at the computer?

mayorquimby · 17/06/2009 16:01

i think you're over-reacting.

blametheparents · 17/06/2009 16:05

I agree with YanknCock I'm afraid

Don't see anything too terrible in it.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 17/06/2009 16:05

because having a wank is normal sexual release.

Looking at porn and fantasising over real women, when you know it upsets your wife and affects her self esteem, is very insensitive.

shootfromthehip · 17/06/2009 16:05

See I don't think you are over-reacting if you have discussed this and mutually come to the agreement that he won't look at porn. It's like him doing anything again after you'd agreed he wouldn't. I think it's a respect thing.

whoisasking · 17/06/2009 16:07

I totally agree with you Yankncock (a perfect name for this thread)

Personally, I do not like pornography, I do not use it , but I never had a problem with my XH watching it, and I would never compare myself to the women in pornos and find myself lacking.

(Part of the reason I don't "get" porn is because I always found myself pondering on the lives of the people in the films, and then worrying about them but I'm fecking weird.)

YanknCock · 17/06/2009 16:07

they may be 'real women' in the sense that they aren't cartoons, but ladies in porn are hardly accessible to our DHs, and they know this!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/06/2009 16:07

"A very good sex advice columnist has suggested that the world would be a much better place if men were discreet and women looked the other way. Would save loads of arguing".

To the above I would have to say, "what a load of bs!".

Unfortunately many women whose husband's look at internet porn cannot turn a blind eye or look the other way. For this particular group of women it is a huge problem. They see it as a slight on their own attractiveness and it affects them very deeply. For some men this visual thrill becomes an addiction; internet porn addiction is a growing problem within society.

Think you PeggySue need to have a long chat with your H and from that consider having relationship counselling either together or separately.

princessmel · 17/06/2009 16:08

Sort of agree with YanknCock

Original poster
peggysuegotmarried · 17/06/2009 16:09

Thanks to all for your responses. I can see what Yank and Mayorquimby mean and understand why some people don't mind their husbands looking at porn. But I do and in actual fact he hasn't tried to sleep with me for a while now so I do think it is a problem. Maybe I wouldn't really mind if it was just an added extra but I think I would because intrinsically I think porn is wrong.

Also I do feel perturbed that what he was looking at is escort agency sites. He has told me before that this is because they offer free porn opportunities and I do believe him but it worries me that it could turn into something else.

Plus, I agree with mumsiebumsie that because he knows I don't like it, and has said he won't do it, he is betraying me by continuing to do something I don't like even though he knows it would upset me - iyswim. Plus I am having a very bad time in other areas of my life right now and this is really the last thing I need when what I need is to feel supported and loved.

OP posts:
susie100 · 17/06/2009 16:11

peggysuegotmarried - poor you.
I imagine what you are finding upsetting is the secrecy and the fact he is sneaking off when you are asleep which feels a little sordid.

I think it is really normal for men to look at porn and I think almost all of them do it.

Would you be more relaxed about it if you watched some together?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 17/06/2009 16:12

There are plenty of free porn opportunities without looking at escort sites.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump · 17/06/2009 16:12

Its not about whether they are actually accessible. Its about him looking at exaggerated images of what society thinks is sexually attractive, and getting his sexual satisfaction from it, while his wife feels insecure about her totally normal body.

But I think the main point here is that he said he wouldn't do it and still is. He should show a bit more respect.

YanknCock · 17/06/2009 16:15

We're not talking about porn addiction here, we're talking an average guy who looks at porn now and again and has a wank.

The OP has not said her DH is avoiding her in favour of porn, that he's spending money on it, or that it's interfering with their sex life in any other way.

The only thing she's said is she feels crap and unsexy, presumably because she's comparing herself to porn stars. I suggest this is actually HER problem, not her husband's. Yes, he should try to be sensitive and discreet. But making ultimatums like 'you're never allowed to watch porn'---she's not his mother. He's an adult who can decide for himself what to watch.

susie100 · 17/06/2009 16:15

Ok had missed the escort bit, that is a bit

YanknCock · 17/06/2009 16:17

xposted there with the OP

Okay, so you have a point if he's avoiding you in favour of porn. And if you're suspicious that he's trying to turn it into a real life thing, then yes, that's a problem!

YanknCock · 17/06/2009 16:18

Frankly, there are free porn sites that have nothing to do with escort services, so in your shoes, OP, I would be annoyed.

Original poster
peggysuegotmarried · 17/06/2009 16:19

"The OP has not said her DH is avoiding her in favour of porn, that he's spending money on it, or that it's interfering with their sex life in any other way."

Yes I have.

"she's not his mother. He's an adult who can decide for himself what to watch"

No, but I am his wife and I am sure if you asked your dh/dp not to do something and they continued to do it even though they knew it upset you, you would mind. Or maybe I am just unusual...?

OP posts:
YanknCock · 17/06/2009 16:23

We cross-posted there, OP, so I think you'll see I do get that there's a problem.

'I am sure if you asked your dh/dp not to do something and they continued to do it even though they knew it upset you, you would mind.'

--the point I was trying to make is that I think it is unreasonable to have asked him not to watch porn in the first place. I wouldn't have done that. Asked him to be discreet, yes. Banning him? No.

susie100 · 17/06/2009 16:24

The real issue here sounds like

  1. the escort bit
  2. the fact your sex life is not what you would want it to be
  3. He is doing it in secret when you are asleep
  4. He has promised not to do it and still is

I personally don't think using porn is that unusual and I think most men do in private or openly. In some ways it is a bit unfair to ask him not to as I think it is quite normal as part of a healthy sexual relationship but he is not using it as such is he?

dittany · 17/06/2009 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.