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Original poster

Do I have to put up with my DH looking at porn? Is this just normal?

53 replies

peggysuegotmarried · 17/06/2009 15:42

Have just found that once again my DH has spent the evening (last night) looking at pornwhilst I was asleep. This happened previously and we had a big fight when I found out and he said it would never happen again. It has. AIBU to mind about this - is this something that most men do when they have some free time and think they won't get caught? Our sex life has been a bit crap recently post baby but even so....
Would like to hear what other people think and what they would do/have done about this....
Makes me feel very crap and unsexy as I already feel down about my post natal body

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 17/06/2009 16:31

Or maybe he's wanking to women who have chosen to work as prostitutes?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/06/2009 16:32

If PS is upset (and she has every right to be perturbed) then her H needs to sit up and take notice.

Its a problem that needs to be properly addressed and asap; this can so easily escalate into more time online looking at porn sites. Porn can also intrude gradually into family life and relationships and once established its very difficult to get rid of. Porn has become so mainstream these days with the advent of the internet and its far easier to access now. At one time it was at the top of the newsagents rack, now all it needs is a click of the mouse.

Infact I'd seriously consider removing the computer from the room its in and placing it in the lounge downstairs where it is more accessible. Otherwise get rid of it altogether and check it for viruses (as many porn sites are notorious for spam and trojan viruses).

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 17/06/2009 16:34

(sorry for the hijack.)

AnyFucker · 17/06/2009 16:48

Well, Peggy, you don't have to put up with anything you don't want to.

You could give him an ultimatum, stop looking at porn or leave. But that is unlikely to give you the outcome you wish for.

I am sorry you are feeling low and unsexy in your life at the moment. That is shitty.

But ordering him to stop doing something that many men (and women) do is not the answer either.

He lied to you because of the reaction you have displayed, you cannot blame him for that. Tbh, if my partner tried to "ban" me from doing something that I saw as a harmless release, I would do it all the more.

Have you actually talked to him why he feels the need to use porn? Perhaps he senses you are really not keen on sex at the moment and he is trying to spare you (in a twisted, male-logic kinda way)

You say you had a massive "fight" when you found out last time. Did you talk properly?

However, I agree that escort sites are out of order. One thing though, if you are snooping on the internet history, escort sites will be on the list because adverts for escort sites are on the porn sites, and their banners and images will be saved in the history, even if he didn't click on them.

Talk to him, without fighting.

TitsalinaBumsquash · 17/06/2009 16:55

Peggysue - In answer to your OP, no you don't have to put up with it, you don't have to put up ith anything that makes you feel bad in your relationship. Im not going to get into weather or not men should/shouldn't look at Porn and what it means becuase thats just a long debate that can get messy. The point is you don't like it, it upsets you and you have expressed this to your DH, he should respect you by not doing it. FWIW i would be fuming if i found my DP watching or indulging in Porn becuase he knows how much it would upset me, the issue here is trust, you should be able to trust him in not indulging becuase he knows that it upset you.

MaryfromBrum · 17/06/2009 16:58

My man doesn't (I think) but many do. It all rather depends on what you mean by porn (anything from page 3 girls to sex with animals)

Forget it if I were you.

Hawkmoth · 17/06/2009 17:10

If he's doing it in secret, have you considered that he's ashamed, and doesn't feel like he's able to talk to you about your sex life? Men can be so crap about avoiding issues like this, and this is his outlet, which by not sharing with you, makes it smutty and probably embarrassing for him. I'm not saying you're unapproachable BTW, just that men can be difficult once that shame-level starts to rise.

What sort of porn was it? Really some is much worse than others - the amateur sites for 'normal' albeit exhibitionist couples aren't that bad.

You need to find out if he has a porn problem, and if he's got some sort of problem with talking to you.

And agree with previous poster - with a small baby he shouldn't have the time or energy to waste wanking at the computer!

Hope you manage to work it out.

zebede · 17/06/2009 17:33

"One thing though, if you are snooping on the internet history..."

Snooping on your partner in this way is deplorable. How would you feel if you found your partner snooping through the texts on your phone?

It's good practise to wipe your internet history for security reasons. Firefox can be configured to do it automatically every time you close it or Google for software called ccleaner, it's free.

RumourOfAHurricane · 17/06/2009 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HolyGuacamole · 17/06/2009 17:54

If you have a problem with porn than that is what matters. Personally I don't give a hoot if my DH looks at it and he knows this. It's not my cup of tea but if he looks at it, I don't have a problem with that at all.

Escort sites however are a different matter. It may be a fantasy thing, the thought that these ladies are 'available' and not necessarily that he wants to actually meet one IYSWIM. Regardless, if it were my DH I wouldn't be chuffed about it.

Everyone has their ideas of what is acceptable to them and you are entitled to express your dislike. I tend to feel though, that he is also entitled to express his like.

Is there a compromise for you or is it a total no-no? The other issue is how you feel about yourself and your personal relationship at the moment with your DH. If you want to get your private life back on track, some romance, affection etc, then talk to your DH and tell him how you feel. Honestly, don't argue about it, just be honest and try to have a really open chat about both your needs. If you argue, chances are he will just try harder to hide it and it will become the elephant in your relationship.

Good luck OP, you can fix this.

AnyFucker · 17/06/2009 21:26

please, please just check that the escort sites didn't just come up on a search of internet history because they were adverts on another site

I know for sure this can happen and you shouldn't jump to conclusions unless you are sure he is actively clicking on them

MaryfromBrum · 17/06/2009 21:41

I am sure that non-clicked on adverts would NOT appear in the Internet History.

History means what is says, sites visited!

AnyFucker · 17/06/2009 21:44

mary, they do

MaryfromBrum · 17/06/2009 21:50

Went to site with adverts - no sign of any these sites in my web history.

Went to site with pop-ups - no sign of any of these sites in my web history.

So as far as Internet Explorer is concerned the case is closed.

AnyFucker · 17/06/2009 21:53

will get back to you mary....

AnyFucker · 17/06/2009 22:04

mary

I went to YouPorn

Didn't click on any ads

In my internet history I have pages for "AdultFriendFinder" and similar

If they are ads with images, they come up as a GIF file, if you double click them, you get the ad's page (complete with Busty Brenda wants to shag you, and suchlike )

check it out

AnyFucker · 17/06/2009 23:14

a-ha

gotcha

HolyGuacamole · 17/06/2009 23:33

AF is right.

I don't have IE now but (from memory) it basically takes a copy of all images, adverts etc on webpages that you visit and stores them as seperate files, one reason is so that you can look at a previously visited webpage offline. It's not under the history button on your toolbar. It is in the box that comes up under "internet options" and is in there somewhere......been a long time since I used IE so can't remember exactly where.

For example I cleaned out my dads pc for him just before Christmas and he had 7 million files in there, images, adverts etc all from webpages he had visited.

AnyFucker · 18/06/2009 07:05

thanks hg

internet options...browsing history...view files

MaryfromBrum · 18/06/2009 20:45

I can only repeat what I said earlier.

I did all that has been said - there were no files listed so I assume that one of the settings in my version of IE differs from the settings in your version of IE.

AnyFucker · 18/06/2009 20:46

I doubt it mary

SolidGoldBrass · 19/06/2009 11:23

I think it';s a faulty assumption that one partner is entitled to order another partner to do, or stop doing something that is not a direct assault on, inconvenience to, or unreasonable restriction on that partner's life (ie if a partner is spending money the household can't spare on a hobby that would need addressing).
I think it's particularly unacceptable to feel entilted to control what a partner reads or looks at. It's his eyes, his mind, his willy, for that matter. If a vegatarian ordered his her partner never to eat meat that would be unreasonable and this is the same.

mayorquimby · 19/06/2009 11:36

exactly SGB, i don't get this idea that one partner has to stop something if it upsets the other partner even if the other partner is unreasonable in being upset by it.
escort agencies is obviously an issue but porn in itself? what if a man told his wife to stop watching SATC or rom-coms because he said it made him insecure or that the woman was using it as escape/fantasy exercise?
would ytou then expect the woman to never watch any romantic movie again?

sayithowitis · 19/06/2009 16:35

Who is to say that the OP is unreasonable in asking him to stop doing something she is uncomfortable with? As it happens, my DH, like me, doesn't like or use porn. But I know that if he did, knowing how uncomfortable it makes me, he would respect our relationship and my feelings and would not do it.

This debate is not about whether he should or should not use porn, it is about whether he cares enough about his DW's feelings on the matter. If she is this upset by it, and he knows that she is, he should respect that. If he cannot or will not, then I would be re-evaluating the relationship.

TitsalinaBumsquash · 19/06/2009 16:41

I would never order my DP not to watch porn, just like i would not forbid him to go to a strip club, i wouln't even ask him not to, i would simply say to him "DP you doing that makes me feel really uncomfortable and upsets me" but the fact is, he knows these things would upset me and he respects me enough not to do it, thats the issue.