Please help my husband left today VERY NEWEST THREAD

[Notquitegrownup]

New thread here. Hope you find it BW.

Yes - I think cary on as if you hadn't had that text.

For a start that is no way to communicate in these circumstances.

Do not cancel GP if he turns up - it's important you still go. Maybe tell him you will see him at some cafe or something afterwards - and that is is NOT to just march back home before he has explained what has been going on and then heard you say your piece.

I think a night or two in a hotel wouldnt be a bad thing for him.And then decide whether it is spare room, trial separation or what.

i think he cant do a hotel...its either BW, or OW...prick

Night BW.

Good morning BoilerWoman.

Everyone's already said everything that's gone through my mind since reading your last posts, with "how fucking dare he" coming closest to my own sentiments!

Well done for not replying, nothing to be gained from engaging with him via text, especially since you have stated you are not willing to communicate that way.

It is vastly important today that you are not backed into a corner as you were last time he came home, i.e. did it in front of the kids so you had no option but to accede.

Please make sure you do go to the GP, even more so given last night's events. As you have some time off work, can you get the locks changed today?

Best of luck - I think you have learnt a huge amount in the last few weeks about your own capabilities and needs. Things he doesn't know. Now is the time to demonstrate them to him.

I agree with what everyone else have said about him. But

I don't think he is/will coming back to stay today. I think he will do what he did last thursday.

He will start with the 'sorries'

Then

He will come and make you promises

"yes I promise i will stop seeing OW". Followed by

"Yes i will come home to stay and and make our marriage work." Followed by

"Yes I will do whatever you want me to do"

And then the excuses But

"I need to tell OW whats happening and say sorry for hurting her" followed by

"I need to go and get my things" followed by

"I promise i will be back on Saturday".

And then once again he will bugger off and you will not be able to contact him again.

I would not let him see your youngest children today, just to have them upset again.

I would pack some of his belongings and listen to what crap he has to say. Then give him his belonings and tell him he must go and stay with FIL while you decide what the next steps will be. He must talk to you and not to text as you are adults and not teenages and you will not play text tennis and you will have proper conversation.

I hope you are ok, and get the help and support from your doctor and HV.

Good luck today BW, hope it all goes well at the Drs.

You know you can be strong, you have been so many times before.

Thinking of you today.

Good morning bw. I hope you managed some sleep although I'm sure it was probably far from a peaceful night. You must be so shattered but I'm sure you will find the strength today to hold on to your resolve and make brave decisions to protect yourself and your lovely DC from further turmoil and heartbreak.

Personally I can't imagine loving someone who has treated his/my children and me so diabolically and with such cowardice, disrespect and complete lack of humanity. I don't think I could ever trust him again knowing that he had been deceiving me for two years but you say you still love him and love defies reason. It has to be said though that he is not the man he used to be and the man you believed him to be. Don't lose sight of that bw. Your relationship has been torn apart and you have to consider that it might not be possible to fix it back together ... not without the help of counselling anyway.

I wish you mountains of strength today bw. Stand your ground. I hope your GP is kind and able to offer you all the support you need. Thinking of you. x

Hi BW, I was busy busy yesterday and have just dropped in on you.....god he's horrible, I think his actions prove he has no thought for you what so ever. He's vile.

That said, I know you love him so you must do what makes you happy at the end of the day but PLEASE have self respect, self preservation and PLEASE PLEASE don't just let him swan back in at the drop of a text. A text message FFS, he is such a wanker!

Yes BW, hope that you are OK today.

I agreed with MakemineaGandT's post last night, if you want to save your marriage, I think you can. However, you cannot make it easy for him, he can't just think he can come and go as he wishes and he must know how badly he has treated you and your DC. He has a lot of work to do to earn back your trust and respect.

Hope the doctor's goes well.

We're all here

and I hope your visit to the docs goes well BW. You really are doing all this with great dignity and fight....long may it continue

BW - dont reply - let him see he cannot treat you like this.

Take the time - and ask him to respect you and stay away for a while - if he wants to see the children let him but go out and have a scream.

He will only treat you the way you allow him to.

Telling him to stay away for a bit is not saying it is over and if he thinks it is then he really is not prepared to even start the hard work that is required i am afraid.

Doing everything you NEED will have to be one of his priorities and not what he wants.

I am shocked at the cheek of the man.

And so say all of us HappyWoman, great advice.

BW - please tell him that you are calling the shots now and you do not want him at home. If he is serious about you and your relationship resuming then he needs to work towards a situation where you can trust him.

If you just let him walk back in then you are allowing him to keep on kicking you to the kerb again and again and you will just end up hurting again.

Hitch a cloak of self respet back over you and tell him you deserve more - because him coming back because he actually wants to and has actually faced his actions of the last month or so will mean there is a chance that he will stay and work at your marraige and you won't be in a state of permanent anxiety waiting for him to do the off again. If you just let him back nothing has changed - he will still treat you with contemp and you will still be in pieces wondering whewre he is and what he is getting up to.

Make him earn your love and trust I suppose is what I am trying to say - BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT!

Good Morning BW.

I think he's having a breakdown. Honestly, this behaviour is bizarre in the extreme.

I was thinking about you when I woke up this morning, and remembering something that happened to me when my XH left me for someone else. I was broken, utterly and completely broken. I wandered around in a fug of grief for 2 months. (Oh, BTW, he refused to talk to me as well, and only ever told me that I was the one who'd broken the marriage by having an affair! which I hadn't)

I loved him desperately, and if he'd have made the smallest move to come home during those months I would have leapt at the chance. He didn't. One morning I woke up, and that rat-panic feeling had disappeared. I felt better, and actually, I wanted to go out and have some fun.

2 weeks later, he was back on my doorstep. Crying and pleading with me to take him back; but the thing was, I wasn't so sure it was what I wanted anymore. (We did get back together after 6 months of dating and therapy, only to split for good another 6 months later)

I want to reassure you. This grief will pass. Honestly, honestly, honestly, it will. And he will have lost so much, and you just won't care. He is a shit of a man BW, and you have proved to us, and hopefully to yourself, that you deserve infinitely more.

Wishing you luck at the doctors this morning, BW. If he shows up before you leave, please please please just tell him you have somewhere to be and tell him to call you if he wants to arrange a time to talk or see the kids. Don't miss this appointment, your health comes first and that is NOT selfish. It's imperative for you and the DCs.

Oh BW, what an absolute twat of a man . IMO, whether you want to take him back or not you have to make it as hard as possible. Don't let him come back when he wants, tell him as another poster said you don't want him to cpme back yet/if at all. You can let him do this to you again. In protecting yourself you're also protecting your dc anyway, they get to see that no one is allwed to treat anyone else like shit, thats a valuable life lesson that will shape their lives.

What an absolute arsehole! Not only did he say he would come back, he broke that promise then didn't speak to you then just 'told' you he's comeing back. Who the fuck does he think he is? He has taken the piss out of your 'ultimatum' by manipulating you so he can do things in his own time. No.No.NO! Don't let him!

Hope your docs app goes ok x

• can't let him do this to you again!

at spelling mistakes, trying to type to fast again!

thinking of you today BW x

Hi Boilerwoman,

Just found your thread and cannot believe what you are going through. I am so sorry. It sounds like you are doing amazingly well in the circumstances.

You have had loads of good advice but I just had two observations that I wanted to add.

Firstly, I have no idea about this so other posters with experience correct me- but is it not really great that you have got these threads as evidence against him when and if you do need to arrange your divorce settlements? They are really detailed and have lots of dates/verbatim texts etc as proof. Don't know, just wondering, might it also be good to make sure none of his answerphone messages and texts are deleted as well.....

Secondly, looking through the whole thing, it does sound like your DH may be having a breakdown of some kind. Not that it excuses his unbelievably bad behaviour in the slightest, just that I find it hard to believe that he can be such a great father/husband and support all these years and then just switch overnight. If this is possible it might at least make you feel like you haven't been conned into loving the wrong man all these years. I'm not suggesting by this that his actions are forgivable in the slightest, just that he may have been genuine in the past.

BW Good morning.....

Sooooooo, another difficult day for you. First off, just to say that you need to get your nerve back and centre yourself before you start to make any decisions.

Now, you say that you wanted DH back for the sake of the children. Well, think about this for a minute - three scenarios:

First, he comes back as he has said and things go back to the way they were before. So, in this instance, DCs have both parents back together - one parent (DH) doing exactly what they want to do. Other parent (you) a nervous wreck and downtrodden, frightened all the time in case DH decides in a few weeks/months that this is not what he wants. So, your DCs have one happy parent (DH) and one miserable, nervous, exhausted parent (you) who is running on empty and can't give them the love and hope that they need.

Second, he comes back under the strict proviso that you both go to Relate and both have counselling which MUST NOT stop after the first session and MUST carry on for what may take months.....

Third, you decide that you need to keep you (ie. your heart) and your DCs (their hearts) safe from the possibility of your DH doing this again and you decide not to have him back. Now, you will need to explain to your DC who are old enough to understand, that this is so not their fault, that Mum & Dad can't live together anymore, and that Dad will still be around and they can see him, he just won't be living with you all. Your children WILL NOT hate you - please stop believing that they will.

There are little bits of fun that you and the DCs can have which don't cost a lot of money - just a little bit of time. I used to do "dinosaur parties" for my DS when we were first on our own. Just get a pack of Bernard Matthews Dinosaurs, a pack of Smiley Faces and some baked beans or peas. Then, a tub of ice cream and pay a visit to the baking section in the supermarket - get some chocolate sprinkles, some jelly shapes or whatever takes your fancy and let the kids make their own mess ice cream toppings.

It's little things like that which do help. You keep that doctor's appointment this morning, and keep shouting out on here - we're all STILL behind you......

what makes me angrier than anything is that he lied to your DD, saying it was you that wasn't communicating. How DARE DARE DARE he! He breaks your children's hearts, you pick up the pieces and then he attempts to deflect the blame for his appalling behaviour on you?

Wait for him to come back, if he does. Ask for proof he's broken permanently with the OW. Then say "what makes you think I'd want you now?".

Bastard.

Oh - and try not to let work go too much. Your boss may be a turd, but you do need that job xx