Am I right to not trust this woman......

[nikki1978]

My DH are very happily married and have been together 8 years now and have two DC. We rarely argue and we get on very well. We also have a great sex life. All in all we have a very solid relationship. DH is a very friendly guy and makes friends easily and gets involved in lots of different projects where he meets new people. He set up his own business last year which is going well and as part of it joined a local networking group. He met lots of people there but became particularly friendly with one woman who he invited out to the pub with his friends a few times. She is 15 years older than him but when he met her he said to me that she looks very good for her age and is what his friends would call a MILF. She has three kids and is divorced. I met her a couple of months after he did and she seemed nice enough if a bit of an attention whore around men (the sort who wants everyone to fancy her). She had a boyfriend at the time who was 19 years younger (they broke up a few months ago) and she is clearly into younger men. Anyway 2 months ago I came home from work early and she answered my own door to me. Wasn't bothered by this as I had told DH that I was on my way home so there was no dodgyness on his part. Apparently she comes to our house every Wednesday to help him do the reports for their networking group. This made me a little uneasy but didn't worry about it. When she went home DH told me that she has told a friend of his (one he introduced her to) that several of the people at their networking group thought they were having an affair. DH thought it was funny but I was a bit upset and asked him why they might think that. He said that he always gave her a hug hello (no biggie he does that to everyone) and they always left together and went to have coffee and gossip afterwards. I said I didn't realise they had coffee alone together every week and why hadn't he mentioned it. He said it never occured to him and it wasn't a big deal. I festered on it a bit and told him that the whole thing bothered me and was starting to worry me. He got a bit upset that I had doubted him for a bit - which I admitted I did but then decided I trusted him and was sure nothing was going on. He said he would stop seeing her for the coffees if I wanted but thought that was "a bit sad" if I wanted him to stop. I said no it was fine but I felt I should have been aware of it. Anyway that was all forgotten but since then I guess I am wary of her and notice everything she does. Like I saw an email from her where she calls him "thmelly" i.e annoying babytalk for smelly. She also says "hello gorgeous" whenever she sees him. She came round the other day (he had said to her on Facebook "fancy popping over for a brew?". I heard him answer the door and she said "hello gorgeous" then saw me and said "oh hello" as if she didn't expect me to be there. There are a few things like that which make me very wary of her....

I am probably being over dramatic but would this bother anyone else?

DH found our his mother was having an affair when he was 11 by accident and it broke his family apart. He has never really forgiven her. He has said before to me that an affair is unforgivable and you only go elsewhere if something is wrong in your relationship so you should deal with your problems or split up in his eyes.

I really, really don't think anything is going on but this woman is really starting to bother me.

AIBU?

I reckon the climbing frame is the back-garden equivalent to pampas grass.

Lol Swedes. You can get adult swings...there was a link on here once.

I agree with Dittany.

ici

Flappycake - adult swings?

I think the boundaries have become blurred here. If I remember correctly, Mr Nikki posted about how he had done the threesome thing because his wife had suggested it and how they were so secure with each other, had a secret signal in case either of them became uncomfortable with it etc. He ( and she) assured us all how enjoyable it had been and basically pooh poohed anybody who said that they could see potential problems with the set up. It appears now, that despite what was said on here at the time, Nikki was not as comfortable with it as she had implied. If we were fed the wrong message, it is entirely possible that the DH has also believed her when she said how good it was. Maybe he is thinking of suggesting the new friend as a new partner for them both. Nikki, you need to spell it out to him that the threesomes etc have now finished. You tried it, thought you enjoyed it but now realise it is not for you and that it will not be happening again. He of course, may take a bit more persuading and you will just have to repeat it until he gets the message. I think it may take a while though because he has now discovered a new sweetie in the jar and has discovered that he likes the flavour!

When I first read the OP, I did feel the DH was being very naiive and disrespectful, but now, knowing the whole story, I do think that the can of worms was opened by both of them and I can understand why he doesn't see anything wrong with the present situation.

Good luck Nikki. I hope it works out for you.

I am sorry but all the couples I have known who say they rarely argue are the ones that have ended in divorce or separation (my own dbrother included who used to regularly berate me for having a lot of ups and downs with my dh).

Sometimes uncomfortable things need to be aired and 'rarely arguing' is not necessarily very healthy at all for a relationship.

What is clear you dearly love your dh so I would fight your corner, anyway, he may be flattered you see this woman as a threat but be open about your true feelings.

Nikki
You say a few posts back that you would go as far as to say that your relationship is the best it's ever been.

Then why are we even having this thread?

I also think some women are here are talking about their "dhs" in the same tone we sometimes hear posters talking about their 5 yr olds in the playground. "he couldn't help it" "she jumped on him" "he's naive". Well diddums.

All acceptable and valid when we are talking about 5 yr olds, but we're supposed to be talking about grown men here, who, as Dittany said, could simply have said no.

Nikki- before we presume too much we should clarify what is the primary objective:

-stopping your DH having sex with OW (if he is)?
-finding out wehether he did have sex with OW?
-stopping emotional affair with OW (if he is)?
-stopping OW running off with OW?

The above are not all exactly the same and it would be useful to know what your number one aim is.

rgds

Just further musings over the coffee....

Nikki instigated the 3some, Nikki instigated the swinging. Her husband is going to be completely confused as to why, with all that having gone on, she's not happy that he's mates with another woman.

If this woman is the scarlet harlot she's being painted, and the dh has told her about the above, then she probably does think he's fair game, and not only that, but that Nikki would probably happily join in as well.

Hmmm. A difficult one

But the question is what advice do we offer Nikki. I think we have to know what it is that Nikki wants?

Think we need SGB on this one

sgb....

the advice is veering towards "I told you so" hence the need for a clear thinker on this issue....SGB

Well I decided to have a chat with him last night as firstly I hate playing games and secondly, as much as I appreciate all the advice given on here I feel like this thread had started to take on a life of its own and was freaking me out possibly unnecessarily.

Firstly I was honest with him about the fact that I hadn't enjoyed the threesomes and swinging as much as I thought I would and that I never wanted to do it again. He said ok and that it was always going to be something about us as a couple and the moment one of us was unhappy then it stopped as our relationship is the most important thing.

Then I brought up this woman. He laughed a bit when I said something was bothering me and that it was her but I said no this is important and upsetting me so he said sorry ok go on... anyway I laid out everything that had bothered me (the names she calls him, the meetings at our house etc).

He said he can understand why an outsider would say this is dodgy don't let your husband see this woman but if they met her they would say there is nothing to worry about (I see where he is coming from here as she is a nice person it is just the weird things that put me off her a bit).

Regarding the names he said she calls all men at the group by these pet names and then he said and how is it different from the names he calls people (he calls everyone names like sweetie, angel, gorgeous - men and woman, young and old). He also said he can't really say to her no my names not gorgeous its Bob (not his real name) as it sounds weird and rude so he is not sure how to stop that happening if it is upsetting me.

Regarding the meetings he has at our house he said they happened for the first 4 or 5 weeks he started doing the job of all the reports and she helped him but she doesn't anymore. He said she goes out for coffee with several different men from the group it is not always him (it was at first as he introduced her to the group when he moved from his old one and he was the only person she knew there).

About the affair gossip he says that has died down now that everyone knows her better and sees she is like that with all the men. He did say he wasn't offended when they were saying it and it was an ego-boost that people would think that (he has always been down on his looks) but I said that was stupid and that it was offensive to me. He said ok fair enough.

Regarding the 'lie' about going to her house he says I misunderstood that and he wasn't lying.

He said in the end it all comes down to perception - he could see how someone who wasn't here in our situation would see it but that they would be wrong. From my point of view he is sorry that it upsets me but he cannot stop seeing her completely as the group gets him a large amount of work. He said he is not encouraging her but if she did happen to come on to him (he is adamant this would never happen) then he said he would immediately cut her off. In the end he said there is nothing to worry about. He said he is aware of what kind of woman she is and that she likes attention (particularly from men) but he does not flirt with her. He also said he thinks that after her divorce she is just letting her hair down and acting like a teenager after being in an unhappy relationship so long.

I am glad I had this chat with him as I think for some of it my imagination was running away with me. The fact is he has never kept this woman secret from me in fact he always invites me to the events where she will be too except on the days he goes to the meetings (he has actually invited me to go to one of the meetings).

I am still going to keep my eye on her when she is about as I don't trust her one bit - although I do believe she is more about liking the men fancying her rather than being a predator.

However I do trust my DH. I'm sure some of you will think I am naive but I know him and know what sort of man he is. We were best friends for 6 years before we got together and I trust him implicitly. Yes he was out of order for being pleased by the ego boost of the affair talk but I honestly think that is the only wrong he has done here. Either way I will be on the watch for anymore dodgy behaviour just in case.

Thanks very much for all your support.

Well done you, spot on!

I'm so glad you spoke to him. Ad your right things do get carried away, when all info is not known the blanks get filled in and its aways worse than the truth.

That's good Nikki, that you told him how you feel.
I imagine he'll make sure he keeps the woman at a bigger distance from now on, even if it is innocent

For some reason, I have been turning this over in my mind ever since I woke up.

I don't think you are naive at all.

But I do think this woman is a side issue.

Do you not think that the three-some and swinging have perhaps caused a shift in the intimacy between you and your DH?

You certainly lay a lot of import on the closeness between you (you mention this at the start of your OP). Therefore, if it has changed, even slightly, that may seem like a major threat to you.

I'm not saying that having a threesome will necessarily damage your marriage, but it will probably change things between you.

Putting myself in your DH's shoes, I could imagine wondering how much you really loved me if you were prepared to watch me having sex with another woman, for instance.

Not that he necessarily feels that way, but it may have altered his perception of you and your relationship somewhat.

The intimacy he seems to have created with this other woman could be a knee-jerk reaction to that. Or it could be that you are overly sensitive to it because you can feel a shift in things between you.

Whatever the issues are, they can only be solved with a lot of talking between you and your DH.

Try not to be distracted by this woman - I really don't think she is the main issue here.

Good point Dollius.

I think Nikki inplied that she was gratteful for the advice but is okay for now? Also, it sounds as though she is trying to move on from the threesome and still has a close and trusting relationship with DH. I am pleased for her. Also, prima facie it sounds as though the OW is using platonic relationships to help her get over her divorce- that may not be a bad thing for her unless she is causing Nikki distress. If she is a nice person then Nikki could join in on some of the fun if she feels like it.

Goodluck Nikki

gratteful grateful

Glad you talked to your dh, and as long as your happy then that is all that matters, although as you say still worth keeping an eye on her!

Think dollius is right here and nicki there are several points about your husband's reply that would worry me, sorry.Your relationship has changed - as all relationships are likely to do so following a new experience - you have to now deal with this as a NEW relationship in order to move forwards.

I inferred that Nikki has picked up on your point LindenAv. And it sounds as though she is holding it together and moving forward?

Nikki- you are showing great composure. Keep it going.